I don't know what I expected to feel when I first saw my baby on the screen. Shock? Happiness? Instant love? It's hard to put into words because none of those things will ever do it justice. It's as if my heart grew ten times bigger, bursting with love, pride, love, love and more love. I want to guard this tiny human with everything I have inside myself.
"And if you wait for just a second," the sonographer says, swirling the stick around my tummy, a whooshing sound echoing around the small hospital room. "Here's baby's heartbeat."
I can't take my eyes away from the screen. It's magical. I study the head, body and tiny limbs, wondering what he or she looks like inside there. Enzo sits beside me, just as transfixed. The sonographer is talking about run-up appointments, but I'm only half-listening, knowing I'll have to ask her all over again at the end of the appointment.
"It's a mini us, Am," Enzo says, sat next to me on a hard plastic chair, fingers in his mouth.
I can't stop my smile, tears threatening to push through to the surface. "I know...I can't believe it."
The sonographer presses a few buttons, giving me a small smile. "Do you want some pictures?"
I nod. "Two, please."
For all the nerves I built up coming in here, it's over in a flash. I can't take my eyes away from the picture in my hands, my top sticking to my stomach where I didn't wipe the gel off properly.
"Can I have a look?" Enzo says, walking beside me through the hospital doors.
I pass one over, still fascinated by the grainy image. It's blowing my mind. That little bean will grow into a baby. That I'll eventually have to push out. Oh, boy. One step at a time. There'll be drugs. And, plenty of them.
"Today is more than I ever imagined," Enzo says, holding me back by the arm when I almost step onto the road without looking.
I nod, starting to walk ahead when the road clears. "Me too. And then the next appointment we'll be able to find out if it's a boy or a girl."
"I'm looking forward to the gender reveal the most," Enzo says, his tone excitable.
"I keep having a dream that it's a girl."
"Our little princess," he smiles, stealing a glance my way. "I bet she'll be spoilt rotten."
The smile on my face is genuine, and the biggest it's been in a while. "I want her to have everything. Opportunities, love, toys."
Enzo laughs. "Let her get here first."
I blush, folding my arms over my chest, seeing mum parked in the near lane. "So, I'm sixteen weeks."
Enzo looks like he doesn't want to leave just yet. "Sixteen weeks. Who'd have known? I was thinking the other day how the warning signs were there; we just didn't realise what they meant."
"Hmm," I respond, kicking myself for not listening to my body. Even after the nurse reassuring me that baby looks healthy, I can't help but worry. Cocktails, zip wires, deep lake diving - I've done it all.
"Are you hungry? We could go grab pancakes," he says, avoiding eye contact.
I back off, not ready for brunch dates. "I can't. I'm due back at work." In two hours.
"Oh, you're back at work?"
I nod. "Yeah, I am."
I've yet to mention to him about my promotion. I don't want to jinx anything by boasting, but then I do. I'm proud of what I've achieved, with or without him. It's awkward to know if I'm oversharing and giving too much away.
"Do you want me to drive you there then? It's on the way to the University. It's no bother," he responds, edging closer to me.
I shake my head. "Enzo, you're suffocating me. Just because I want you here for the baby, doesn't mean that we're sweet again. I'm hurting. I need time."
Enzo blinks several times, lowering his head. "I'm sorry. I'll back off. Can I still come to the next scan?"
Why does this have to be so hard?
"You know you can come," I say, starting to head over to mum who's now getting out of the car. Better to leave now while he has time to run.
Mum's been scouring the internet for ways to get revenge on your man. I had to take her card away from her before she bought the bag of horse manure to be delivered to his door. Yes, companies do that for a fixed price.
"Bye, then. Call if you need anything," says Enzo, voice strained.
I shut my eyes in emotional pain, grabbing onto mum's arm when she tries to bypass me, heading towards the car.
...
"Little bit small for you, isn't it?"
I drop the white baby grow back on the pile, moving my head to see Gabe standing behind me, his Cheshire Cat smile as broad as ever.
"Hey, you," I laugh, falling into his arms when he reaches out for a hug. "Why are you in a baby shop?"
Gabe pulls back holding me at arm's length, his mouth still grinning. "Didn't you know? It's a hotspot for cute women."
I laugh. "You're an idiot."
"I saw you when I was passing and wanted to say hi," he chuckles, reaching for the tiny booties on the shelf.
They're an adorable grey knitted pair with silk laces, perfect for a stroll in the pram or a Sunday spent at a restaurant.
Gabe starts to undo the box, and I rush to stop him. "You can't take them out."
He frowns. "Then how am I supposed to see if I like them? They want me to buy them and hope for the best?"
Well...he does have a point. "Maybe we should ask first."
Booties in hand, he strides across the shop, charming the pants off the woman behind the register, returning with a 'told you so' smile.
"Debrah says it's fine to take them out of the packaging."
I giggle. "I bet she did. Go on then, let's see if they're cute enough for my girl."
I glance up when he doesn't seem to be opening it, confused what's taking him so long. Staring at me with eyes that I'm sure hold tears he shakes his head, blinking an abnormal amount.
"Girl? You found out already?"
My cheeks turn pink. "No! It's just a feeling I have - it's hard to explain. I keep dreaming about the baby being a girl, and whenever I think about the pregnancy, a brown-haired girl pops up."
"Then it's set," Gabe goes over to the next shelf full of stuffed toys, picking up a tiny pink teddy. "This has to be her first toy."
I don't have the heart to tell him that I've already bought tons of stuff, teddies included. I couldn't help myself when I was waiting for mum outside the hairdressers, seeing a Mamas and Papas store across the way.
"You big softie," I reply, squeezing his arm.
The bear is in my face, fur going into my mouth. "Says it smells like strawberries. What do you think? Is it okay to give scented things to a newborn?"
I splutter, shoving his hand away. "Gabe, seriously? Right in my face?"
Bear gone, he looks like he's about to laugh. "Sorry. So, do you think it's all right for your girl?"
I haven't the foggiest idea. I shrug. "I think so if it's for sale in the newborn bit."
Gabe nods, cuddling the toy close. "We'll take it then. You seen anything else you like? I bet it's all so exciting and new for you."
We head for the cash register, and I spot a pack of blue bibs that say: 'Daddy's Little Man' scribbled across the front. My stomach drops to the floor when my mind automatically goes to Enzo, and how happy he was today when the baby popped up on the monitor.
Look, look, look, Am. Do you see?
Wow, oh wow, look at the tiny legs.
Can you get a closer picture?
When will we find out the sex?
Thank you, Am. Thank you so much, baby.
A nudge in my arm pulls me away from my daydream, faced with the smiling cashier, who's holding her hand out for the booties still in my hands. I let her scan up the items and pay on my credit card, seeing a tiny silver photo frame, especially for ultrasound pictures. I pick out one, with the intention of it going on mum's mantlepiece, choosing the second one for Janice, because it's her grandchild too, and I'm a soft-touch. Idiot, you're probably thinking.
Once I pay, we manage to escape the crowds of mothers and the two-year-olds, as they file into the shop for the weekly toddler group meeting. Gabe takes the bag from my hands and swings it subtly when we make our way down Ledbury Road, and towards the big glass building that is DailyDiets. I only half-listen to Gabe's story about his friend's spider phobia and wave to Kerry, the security guard who always gives me free perfume samples from Selfridges, as her girlfriend works there and gets given them to try out. It's always a good day when she pulls out the Chanel. A perfect day, indeed.
"Who's your friend?" says Kerry, arms crossed over her chest, the red lipstick complimenting her pale complexion.
"Gabe," I respond, taking the baby boutique bag from his hands. "Gabe, this is Kerry."
Gabe lifts his hand, an easy smile gracing his face. "Nice to meet you. So, you keep this place safe?"
Kerry puffs out her chest. "Yeah, well, I try to at least."
"Gotcha, I bet it's hard to keep tabs on everyone walking through the door. I worked the security room at BarginMart once, and it drove me insane," he says, referring to a job he hated with a passion.
On the weekends, I used to visit him on his long shifts, often getting told off by the managers for riding in the shopping carts with Gabe pushing me down the aisles, scaring the customers half to death. To pass the time, we'd mix up the paper cups with plastic, and help ourselves to cola bottles from the pic & mix. Don't ask me how he kept that job for five years because I couldn't tell you. Desperation for staff, probably.
I can tell Kerry is going to give Gabe her life story when she takes a deep breath and rests her back on the glass window, so I use it as my excuse to leave, telling Gabe that I'll call him to arrange a catch-up soon, pulling out the ultrasound picture when I get inside the lift, my eyes hypnotised through 13 floors.
...
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