Summer break! After a long promotion of our comeback, we got some time off, after this, we will get busy again as we have to prepare our concert tour, as well as JYP Nation concert. A break for a while won't hurt, I thought. I also need some time off. We have an agreement on no dating rules for 3 years, now that we already 3 years old, some members start looking for a relationship. I mean, now they are open when a boy asks for their number. Of course, we are still busy, but having a good companion is a good thing too. JYPE gives us a looseness a bit. I always tell Nayeon Unnie to date someone. Someone from her university maybe. She's the oldest. She deserves a relationship since she's now 24 years old. I love when Nayeon Unnie hanging out with other 95 friends of her. All this time, she took care of us, never even think about going out, she always makes us her world and universe. Thank God that Sowon Unnie and Nayoung Unnie now is really close with Nayeon Unnie. They're both trained for a long time before debut, they can share the burden.
There's no dating ban now in our group, as long as we notify the agency when we date someone. So that the agency could protect us. They always tell us to be careful. JYP PD himself tell us that. He wants their employee also have their own life. We also made a promise to each other, that we would tell each other if we happened to date someone. You can not guess at how many men ask for Nayeon Unnie number. I hope that Nayeon Unnie could get along with one of them. As for me, I think I need some time to really start dating. I want my heart to sort out first.
I don't want to start imagining what should I do when we have to go abroad together for our concerts. I am afraid that I'll become someone with no fun at all. No, I will not let that happen. I am a good actor. I could play fake. Nowadays, I drown myself in writing lyrics and creating pieces of music. I learned from JunK Oppa a lot. He's willing to help me. I don't want to just be a singer, I want to create music as well. Start from contributing myself at composing for our albums. I used to have some fun with the members, now that I admit in my heart that I'm in love with one of us, it's getting harder and harder. Every action that she created become something big for me. Every ignorance becomes ten times painful now. The past 7 months, I lost count at how many times I cried over her. I want to say that she's a bad woman. I feel that she take an advantage of my kindness. She knows that I will run if it's about her.
We live side by side, but every night I check every conversation on our group chat, staff's Instagram, or our Instagram in case she updated something, where I could just ask her, she lives just 5 meters away from me, for God sake. But I can't. I know the moment I talk to her, my heart becomes weak all over again. She will never know, how I will bring her meds when she just said something like 'I think I'm dizzy' on our group chat. She will never know how many times I stand in front of her room but always failed to knock. I don't have guts, I am a loser. She will never know how many times I am holding tissues behind my back while watching you cried in Jeongyeon Unnie or Nayeon Unnie hands. You cried a lot, lately. I am in pain too when I saw that. She will never know probably I peek at the window as the van leave, till I can't see the van anymore when you have an individual schedule. That's how badly I want to see just you.
I am not sure what will happen to us for sure. Part of my heart wants to tell her about what I've been through, it's been 4 years like this. Part of me wants to stop loving her. Part of me wants to forget this feeling naturally, I thought this was just a phase. Part of me wants to start a real relationship with a man since lots of men also ask for my number already. By the way, lost of men ask Mina Unnie's number too. I start to panic actually when Jeongyeon Unnie teases Minna in front of us. Even actors ask for her number. Maybe, somehow, if Minna Unnie starts dating someone, my mind would go crazy, but at the same time maybe I can use this to giving up on her too.
Somewhere around the end of the year, I enter Jihyo Unnie's room. All of them busy with dressing up Mina Unnie who is sitting on the dresser. I sit at Sana Unnie's bed.
"Remember, you have to wear the cap all the time, okay. Masker as well. Don't hold hand in a public place, and please meet up at the quietest place" Sana Unnie give a piece of advice.
"He said already book a whole place, Saguri. Besides, I'm just hanging out with him, it's nothing. No holding hands will involve" Mina say it.
"Yet" Jihyo Unnie add to the statement.
"Trust me, I don't want to have a relationship, okay? We're just friends, that's all"
"What's going on here?" I ask innocently.
"Minjae Oppa asked Mina out! You don't know?" Jihyo tell me vigorously.
I just shook my head. I know nothing seriously.
"Don't get jealous, Chaengie!" Jihyo add.
"No, why would I? I'm happy for you Unnie" I say it in a very shock tone as I surprise with Jihyo Unnie's statement.
"Thanks, Chaengie, but again it's nothing. He's been asking me out 10 times, I'll be labeled arrogant if I kept refusing" Mina explain to me as she really assures me that it's really nothing.
"You're so pretty Mina-ya, Minjae Oppa would be lucky" Sana praise her. She is indeed pretty. Always pretty for me, even without this makeup, even when she sleeps with her mouth open. Even when she's too focused on her game sometimes. She's pretty in everything.
"Nayeon Unnie also goes out for a date, Our turn might come soon, Sana-ya!" Jihyo Unnie say it while touching Sana Unnie's shoulder.
"Yes!" Sana Unnie replies Jihyo's statement.
Mina Unnie then comes downstair. The managers already check the basement, in case if there's any paparazzi. Minjae Oppa then come pick her up. I see from the window until I can't see his car. My chest hurt for no reason. In our dorm, Jihyo and Sana Unnie are watching the television. The rest has an individual schedule. Tzuyu is not home yet. I can't cry here. Too odd. I then decide to jog at 9 pm, in a 9 degrees weather. But I need this. I need to distract my mind. Since our dorm is near the han river I decide to take a jog there. Jihyo Unnie and Sana Unnie are both amazed that I would like to run at this time.
I ran, I ran through han river, I ran with my earphone in my ear. I ran like crazy. I grin in a cold weather but I don't care. I have to focus on my running. My head and my hear hurt, also my body hurt to know that Mina Unnie went out with Minjae Oppa. But I can't do anything right? It's her life, it's her choice. Besides, she knows nothing about my feeling. I stop at the nearest park around our dorm. My favorite place. I sit there and sip my isotonic water. I'm sure tired, also feeling cold. But moreover, my heart is colder. I bite my lips too many times cause I don't want to have tears on my face. Until this song play into my ears.
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm OK
But that's not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do
It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
I don't know what the song is until I check it, that's Rascal Flatts's song called What Hurts the Most. That's when I feel tears falling down hard on my face. And I can't stop it. I want it to stop, but I can't. I drown my face in my leg, my chest is hurting I don't know why. I try to punch my chest many times, I want this hurt feeling to stop. I hate this, I rarely cried. I cried only when I talk about my family. And her now she could make me like this. I keep punching my chest till someone stop me. I look up, it's Tzuyu. She immediately hug me and I cry in her stomach. She keeps stroke my hair, telling me to stop. I then cry for almost 15 minutes in her. I am tired. I release the hug.
"Done?" Tzuyu ask. "You could continue it if it makes you feel any better"
I take a deep breath. I shook my head.
"I looked at our group chat, they tease Mina Unnie a lot because of Minjae Oppa. Then, Jihyo Unnie mentioned that you went for a run. In a weather like this? Really?"
"So many people in Han River went for a run, you know. I met a few"
"Yes, fool people, just like you"
Tzuyu then sit beside me.
"But if it's could release anything that builds up in your chest, go ahead Chaengie. Just don't die out there"
"YA!"
"I mean it tho. Don't do anything stupid over love"
"I just need this. I realize as well that this is stupid, but I need this"
"Chaeyoung-ah, nothing happened between them, okay? You could also go out with a man if you want to, also with a woman as well. You could date someone if you want to"
"Yet, Tzuyu-ah nothing happen 'yet', They could become a lovely couple. Why don't them? Minjae Oppa is a nice person"
"You, you, you. It's all just in your mouth. I know deep down inside you feel like you want to die, I know that"
I then rub my eyes. Too many tears fall today.
"Is my eyes look okay?"
"You can tell them that your eyes are swollen because of cold weather"
"That bad huh?"
Tzuyu nod.
"You know that I rarely cry, right? I am tired somehow, Tzuyu-ah"
"I know you can't quit this feeling. Do what makes you feel happy then. Don't suffer yourself"
"Thanks! For here and there"
"You're welcome"
"You can also tell me everything, anything, you know right?" Tzuyu nod.
"Like when Mingyu Oppa ask your number, perhaps?"
"YA CHAENGIE!"
"I could see you smile from ear to ear, you know"
"Let's go, it's cold, let's go back to our dorm" Tzuyu then leave me, avoiding this conversation.
I keep teasing her all the way to the dorm.
With this feeling going on, I almost forget that Christmas and New Year are near. This is way too bad to end 2018. Time flies so easily.