I screwed up today, oh my god I screwed up. I don't know what came over me but it just happened. I got so scared and too sad and the thoughts wouldn't stop and it just happened, I didn't mean too, I swear I didn't.
Me and Steve were at work and I was feeling more sad than usual. I couldn't stop thinking about Ponyboy... and a lot of my thoughts were kind of sexual... I hate myself. Why the hell can't I just get over it? He's my brother, he's never going to love me the way I love him. I shouldn't want him. I don't even deserve it.
I started crying out of nowhere. I thought of him moaning my name and it hurt. My chest was constricted and my groin started to hurt because I was turned on and... I just started crying. Steve came over and kept asking what was wrong, which only made me panic more. I pushed him out of the way and ran to the bathroom. I couldn't breathe right. I ran right up to the sink to look at myself in the mirror and I saw a failure. I couldn't stand it anymore. I don't remember how I got it, I don't remember having it before, but I pulled a razor out of my back pocket and I just started cutting up my wrist.
There was so much blood.
Steve came in because I forgot to lock the door. I know he was just worried but he shouldn't have just came in. But when he saw all the blood, I felt more pale than I probably was. I was crying and I was just scared. He helped me wash all the blood away and he took the razor from me. I was happy he did, I didn't want it anymore. Throughout the day I felt like i needed it, but i can't hurt myself. It'd kill me, it'd kill Steve, and it'd kill anyone else who found out. I don't' want to hurt people.
Steve drove me home today instead of letting Darry. He stayed with me at work even after his shift ended just to make sure I wouldn't hurt myself again. I didn't trust myself either.
He kept asking why I did it, why I was crying, why everything. I told him I didn't know, but he didn't believe me. I wouldn't believe me either.
I couldn't hold it back anymore. I told him this:
"I think I'm in love with Ponyboy, and I'm scared out of my wits."
He asked how long I've been scared or if I've been hurting myself, and I said:
"I've never hurt myself before, honest... But for the past month or even more, I realized I really did love him differently... I want him. But... I can't do anything about it."
That last part hurt just saying it. I can't do anything about it.
~Sodapop Curtis~