Darry made me go to work today, whether I was feeling like shit or not. I really should have gone yesterday, Darry can't pay the bills himself and it was just selfish of me. I'm supposed to be the helpful one, I don't need help. I can do this myself, I'll be okay.
Steve asked if I was feeling any better from yesterday and I smiled at him, telling him I was. It was a lie, and I was hoping he would see through it. I had bags under my eyes from not being able to sleep correctly and everything hurt. I was so tired. But he smiled back at me and took the bait, believing me. The rest of the day we just joked around. I never knew it'd hurt so much to force a smile.
I was thankful when Darry came by and picked me up instead of making me walk home, but I deserved to walk home anyways.
On the ride home we were mostly quiet, but I felt him looking at me a lot, and it made me nervous. I think we weren't even halfway home though when he started talking to me.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." I muttered. I had to kick my own ass later for being so mean to everyone, but I just wanted to be left alone. I think I made him feel bad because he stopped talking for a little bit and that made me feel bad, even to the point where I wanted to cry. I just felt so terrible, for making him feel bad, for loving Pony, and for god knows what else, I just really wanted to cry. So I did. I started tearing up and trying hard not to cry which made me cry even harder.
"Soda? Little buddy, are you okay?"
"I'm fine!" I yelled at him. I started trying to open the door but he had them locked. "I want out!"
"You need to calm down!" He shouted. I gasped and froze and did just that, I calmed down. Mostly because I was a bit scared or surprised or something, but I didn't really expect that. I should have but I guess I didn't. When we got home I went straight to my old room and slammed the door shut, and started crying again. I was glad he and Ponyboy (who was home from school at this point) left me alone, but I secretly wished they would have came and checked on me. But I blew that.
Darry also made me come to dinner. I couldn't barely eat nothing. It's weird, I've been hungry when I can't eat and not hungry when I should eat. I just looked down at my plate and felt myself shaking. I would look at Pony from time to time; I like looking at him. But he looked back at me once and I couldn't look away and boy he always manages to steal my heart. I sure as hell don't deserve to keep it to myself. But I wish he could steal more than just my heart, maybe a kiss...
See? This is why I hate myself.
~Sodapop Curtis~