Okay, so you will need tissues at the ready, I was crying just writing this, but here you go J
‘Okay, so on three we jump yeah?’ Tammy asked me. I shook my head smiling. ‘You’re crazy!’ I said as I looked downwards, the blue green sea lapped against the base of the cliff. ‘I don’t care, it will be another thing crossed off my list yeah?’ I shrugged, she squeezed my hand, I squeezed it back, reassuring her, although this was her idea, I could tell she was nervous, she hated heights and water. ‘Three... Two... One!’ She said, we both leapt forward, our feet leaving the rough edge of the rock before a couple of seconds later, plunging into the freezing sea. My head went under the water, my hand still tightly around Tammy’s. I resurfaced, pushing my blonde hair out of my eyes. I smiled at Tammy who was grinning madly. ‘I did it Niall!’ she said excitedly, but then the fear set in, her teeth began to chatter, I pulled her arms over my shoulders so she was resting against my back, I swam the short distance back to the shore. We both flopped down on the sand beside the bags we had left on the secluded beach. Tammy rummaged in her bag and pulled out her notebook, crossing off number 38 on her list. She smiled to herself before passing the notebook to me ‘only 14 things left Nialler!’ She said before flopping down and resting her head on her rolled up towel. I glanced down the list, checking over the last 20 wishes on her bucket list:
· Sneak out at night without telling anyone
· Watch a beautiful sunrise
· Buy something ridiculously overpriced just for fun
· Stay up all night with a friend just talking about anything and everything
· Have that one special person treat me like a princess
· Raise £200 for people with cancer like me
· Randomly redecorate my room without permission
· Meet a celebrity
· Be tweeted by Katy Perry
· Order everything off a menu
· Be a stylist for a day
· Make another person’s dream come true
· Spend a night under the stars
· Go outside during a storm
I sighed, I could feel the tears that wanted to stream down my face, but I didn’t let them. Tammy never cried about her illness, I wasn’t about to; she didn’t want people to treat her differently so I wouldn’t. ‘Come on, we need to get back home now,’ I said, picking up my hoodie and pulling it on over my head. Tammy stood up and pulled on her baggy navy shirt over her white bikini top before putting on her denim shorts and brushing her hair out of her eyes. I picked up her bag along with my own and she wrapped her towel around her shoulders, still shivering at the cold Irish weather. We got back to my brother’s car. ‘Ready to go back?’ Greg asked me. I nodded and opened the door, allowing Tammy to get in before putting the bags in the boot and climbing in next to her, hugging her to warm her up. Greg turned on the radio, it was Chasing Cars. I sang along softly as Tammy fell asleep. I just wished she could know how I felt about her and how relevant this song was.
Tammy’s POV
A slight knocking woke me up from my sleep. I opened my eyes lazily and pushed back my duvet, walking over to my window. I opened the curtains, Niall was sat on the branch of the tree next to my window. I glanced at the clock, it was midnight. I opened the window, the cold wind making goosebumps rise on my arms. ‘What are you doing Nialler?!’ I asked. He put his hand in his pocket and retrieved my notebook. ‘I came to give this back and to cross off numbers 56, 89 and 4 on your list. I glanced down the page, skimming over the wishes already crossed out and taking numbers 56, 89 and 4 into consideration:
· Sneak out at night without telling anyone
· Watch a beautiful sunrise
· Spend the night under the stars
I looked up at Niall and smiled. I ran to my closet and pulled out a cardigan and my TOMS, putting the cardigan on over my pyjama top, I then slipped on my TOMS and climbed out the window, taking Niall’s hand to steady myself. We climbed down the tree and went out through the back gate onto the now empty streets of Mullingar. We headed towards the park, just chatting and made our way up the hill. We sat down and glanced up at the stars. ‘It’s so pretty!’ I said, admiring the clear skies, allowing the silver sparkling lights to glimmer from space. I lay down, still staring up at the sky. ‘It is isn’t it,’ Niall agreed, copying my actions. Niall began to softly hum twinkle twinkle little star, making me laugh a little at first but then I fell asleep, Niall’s soothing humming filling my ears as I separated myself from the world.
I was awoken by a little nudge in the side. I yawned and opened my eyes. ‘Look,’ Niall said, pointing into the distance, it was still dark; I sat up and looked where he was pointing. A thin strip of golden, yellow, orange and pink was just about visible behind the distant rooftops of the houses of our small town. We sat there in silence, me leaning my head on Niall’s shoulder, watching as the sky turned from black to a mixture of warm, golden colours. Once the sun had fully risen, I turned to Niall. ‘Thank you,’ I said softly. He smiled at me and pulled me in for a hug. ‘Anything for you Tam,’ he said. I really did love my best friend, but I knew he wouldn’t feel the same way back, I had another 5 months left to live, but how could I tell him? I couldn’t so I wouldn’t and I wasn’t about to end my life with a broken heart when he didn’t feel the same way back. ‘Let’s get you back home Tam, you could do with a bit of sleep,’ Niall said, helping me up. We walked in silence back to mine where Niall left me at my front door with a hug. I watched him as he turned the corner at the end of my road. I pushed the front door open and snuck up to my room. I fell back to sleep, my mum blissfully unaware of my outing.
I woke up at about 2pm, yawning I got out of bed and went for a shower. I then sat in front of my closet, trying to decide what to wear, I was going round to Niall’s at 5 for a sleep over, where I was hoping to cross off number 18 on my list:
· Stay up all night with a friend just talking about anything and everything
Then I would have managed 5 things in one weekend, I thought back to yesterday, Friday. Greg was there to pick me and Niall up from school, we ran out of the gates and Greg drove us to the beach where I completed number 38:
· Jump off a cliff into the sea
Then, that evening I went out and completed numbers 56, 89 and 4. I eventually stopped daydreaming and decided on an outfit, my chinos with a stripy t-shirt, braces and TOMS, I had quite a unique sense of style, I liked to be individual.
Niall’s POV
I opened the door and there stood Tammy, looking as beautiful as ever. I let her in and we went straight into the living room, choosing to watch the Titanic, her favourite film. We didn’t really pay attention to the film, we were just chatting about everything. ‘I’m hungry,’ I suddenly announced mid conversation. Tammy rolled her eyes and stood up from the sofa. ‘When are you not Nialler,’ she said. I chuckled and we made our way into the kitchen. ‘Hey Tammy,’ Greg said, munching on a slice of pizza. ‘Hey Gregory!’ she said. He hit her arm playfully, she knew full well that he hated the nickname that she had given him! We heated up a pizza and sat at the table by Greg as we chatted. ‘How do you think I could raise £200?’ Tammy asked thoughtfully, taking a mouthful of pizza. I shrugged, I wasn’t the best when it came to ideas. ‘How about singing or something?’ Greg half heartedly suggested whilst texting someone. That wasn’t a bad idea but I knew that Tammy would never sing in public. ‘Oh I have an idea!’ Tammy said. ‘I could play guitar and Niall could sing in the shopping centre!’ Tammy said excitedly. I choked on my pizza, me sing in public? No. Tammy looked at me with pleading eyes and then I remembered why we were doing this and quite frankly I couldn’t say no!
We stayed up all that night just chatting and joking around. We talked about everything we could think of. I loved the way that she tilted her head back when she laughed or how she twirled a bit of her light brown hair round her finger when she was thinking about something. I loved the way that her eyes glistened and how her hair fell perfectly to just below her shoulders. Basically I was in love with my best friend and I would never be able to tell her. When I was with her, I was happy, when she wasn’t there I couldn’t help but think that this would be what would happen in the end, she wouldn’t be around. The doctors had said that they couldn’t cure the cancer and that she had about a year and a half left, that was 4 months ago, she had 14 months to go.
Tammy’s POV
The week of school flew by, I was so lucky to have the amazing friends that I do, they all said that they would be there on Saturday in the shopping centre, they didn’t know I had cancer, they knew my dad had died of it and naturally assumed that this was why I was doing it. Before I knew it, I was walking into the shopping centre, carrying my guitar. Niall was stood there looking as flawless as ever, a red chequered shirt hung open over a white t-shirt and his faded jeans hung loosely on him. I approached him, I could tell he was nervous. We went and stood in the middle and Niall cleared his throat before starting to sing quietly at first as I strummed along on my guitar.
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?
By the end of the song, quite a crowd had gathered, Katie, Sean, Chloe, Kate, Lucy and Ryan were at the front, clapping insanely! A few people tossed some money into the bucket by us. Niall turned to me and I gave him the thumbs up. He looked as if he wanted to cry. I felt so guilty, I realized how selfish I was being. I spent all my time with him, he was my best friend but soon I would be gone, I was acting so casually about it. I had faced up to the fact that I was going to die. I knew it would happen and there is no point hiding from the truth. But he was going to carry on living and I was wasting his friendship on something that wouldn’t last. He didn’t need my dramas in his life. Putting my thoughts to one side I continued with the next song. We played for over two hours.
By the end of it, the crowd had got bigger, the applause was incredible. Our friends had stayed throughout. Me and Niall thanked the audience before receiving hugs from everyone. ‘That was amazing!’ Chloe squealed pulling me in for a hug. ‘Your dad would be so proud,’ Ryan whispered in my ear. I nodded into his neck and a tear rolled down my cheek.
‘Well, today’s been eventful and successful might I add!’ Niall said, sorting out the money into piles of £10. I counted the piles so far, a heap of money still in the middle of the floor. ‘Niall! We have over 40 piles already and more to go.... that’s over £400!’ I said, launching myself off the sofa and onto Niall who just laughed. ‘You’re a really good singer Niall,’ I said once we had finished laughing. Niall went silent and looked at his feet. ‘What’s up Nialler?’ I asked, putting my arm around his shoulder. ‘I’m really going to miss you,’ he said, a tear running down his cheek. A lump formed in my throat. ‘I’m going to miss you too, I’m sorry!’ I said. I hugged my best friend tightly. We sat there, hugging for ages. But like all things, it ended and we were soon back to our normal selves. ‘Really Niall, I think you should audition for X Factor or something, your voice is really good. He smiled weakly. ‘I couldn’t I wouldn’t want the humiliation of getting sent home,’ he said. I punched him on the arm ‘you wouldn’t everyone would love you,’ he shook his head and I left it. I knew he wanted to as all he wanted to do was sing but he was far too modest. He would never do it. I found it frustrating though, he often said that his dream was to sing. But he didn’t pursue it due to his lack of self belief in himself.
Over the next few weeks, we didn’t manage to cross anything else off my list, I was feeling too unwell. I even turned down visits from Niall as I just didn’t feel up to it. It was now mid October and it was raining outside. I was sat in Maths, wishing Niall was in this lesson with me. I had just about got back to normal, I felt fine going to school. Suddenly a knock at the window beside me caught my attention. A familiar cheery face peered in, his hair was soaking wet, rain droplets running down his face. I knew exactly what he was thinking. Without asking the teacher I suddenly got up, pulled on my coat and ran out of the room, down the corridor and out of the school. The heavy rain pounded on my head as I ran around, making my way over to Niall. He held out both his hands and I took them in mine. We leant back and spun around. Both of us laughing, the rain had gone right the way through my coat and my hair was a soggy mess, but I didn’t care. ‘Number 21 done!’ I yelled above the loud rain. Niall laughed his perfect laugh, causing me to grin widely. It was times like these when I forgot I was even ill.
‘Mum! I’m home!’ I yelled, walking through the door and dumping my bag by the stairs. My mum came through from the kitchen ‘Why are your clothes soaking Tam?’ She asked me, raising one eyebrow slightly. ‘Number 21 on my list,’ I mumbled before running upstairs and hopping into the shower. Over dinner it was pretty much silent, my mum didn’t like me mentioning my list as it just reminded her that I was going to die in about 4 months now. But my reason for my list was simple. I was going to die. That was a definite. I would die young for sure, I’m living on borrowed time now but I figured if I managed to complete everything on my list before I died, even though I was dying at the age of 15, I would have had enough experiences to fulfil my short life span. Once everything was crossed off, I had lived my life and dying didn’t seem so scary.
‘So, just today left of school then half term!’ Niall said cheerily as we walked to school. ‘Yup,’ was all I replied before staring at the ground again. ‘What’s wrong Tam?’ Niall asked, putting a comforting arm round my shoulder. I shrugged ‘I want to try and get as much done over half term on my list as possible,’ I replied ‘but I don’t know how to go about it,’. Niall looked thoughtful for a second, chewing slightly on his bottom lip ‘We can do it!’ he said decisively, that’s what I loved about Niall, he was always so positive and his confidence in everything made me feel that everything would be alright. The lessons today dragged slowly on, all I wanted to do was get out of this place for good!
‘What colour do you want?’ Niall asked, standing by my side as we took in all the different colours of paint. ‘Any, I don’t even care!’ I replied, walking forwards and loading tins of paint into the trolley. By the time I had finished we had orange, pink, purple, dark blue, red, green, yellow and light blue. We went to pay for the paints before loading them into Greg’s car. ‘You took your time!’ he chuckled. We didn’t answer him, we just climbed in wanting to get home as soon as we could. By the time we reached my house, Katie, Lucy, Chloe, Kate, Ryan and Sean were already sat on my doorstep. Me and Niall climbed out the car and opened the boot. All my friends came over and took a tin each. I unlocked the door, waved goodbye and shouted my thanks to Greg and we trailed up to my room. ‘So what’s the plan?’ Kate asked, putting down her tin of paint. I felt like being reckless so I replied. ‘Just chuck your paint at the wall, or anything, no plan, just make it creative!’ Kate giggled whilst the others gave me a strange look. ‘And you’re doing this why?’ Chloe asked, beginning to open her tin of pink paint. ‘Because I want to add some life to my room!’ I said ‘And I want my 7 bestest friends to help me!’ With that everyone looked at each other and shrugged before nodding and launching their tin of paint at the wall. With the remaining paint, we all did handprints and then dated them. My room looked well, individual to say the least. Splashes of colour ran down my walls onto the sheets covering my carpet. Thank God my mum was away for the week.
After everyone had gone home I lay in bed. I picked up my notebook from my bedside unit and opened it. There was something I needed to do. I crossed out number 11 before flicking to the back page and beginning to write. I looked at what I had done, it looked too plain, so I opened the draw by my bed and found my favourite picture. It was of me and Niall last year. We went to Spain and we had both tanned a little which was pretty impressive bearing in mind our pale skin! We weren’t looking at the camera, we were both just laughing, my mum had taken the opportunity to snap a photo. It portrayed our relationship perfectly and it was so natural which is why I loved it. I was really looking forward to tomorrow. Greg’s friend from school’s brother works for a magazine, tomorrow I had been offered to be a stylist for one day at a photo shoot. I just couldn’t wait! I entered a peaceful sleep knowing that tomorrow would be so much fun!
I slipped my notebook into my pocket before jogging downstairs and pulling on my shoes. Niall’s mum’s car pulled up outside, I just slammed the door and went. ‘Hiya love, how are you feeling today?’ Niall’s mum asked me as I got into the car. Niall’s family were the only other people who knew about my cancer and I loved the fact that they were always there for me. ‘I’m feeling alright today thank you,’ I replied. Niall rolled his eyes at me and I knew exactly what for, he had told me many times on other occasions about the way I treated his mum and dad and sometimes even Greg with far more respect than I treated him. He said that his mum and dad only liked me because they thought that I was this polite and well mannered girl not the rude and insulting one that he had to put up with day in and day out! We passed many buildings on our way to the magazine office. Niall softly humming songs, occasionally he would sing but he knew if he sung too loudly, I would tell him yet again to audition for the X Factor. I wasn’t a massive fan of the X Factor this year, I mean yes, that blonde Welsh guy, Lloyd I think it is, was fit and he could sing but he was nowhere near strong enough to win the competition, then there was that Olly guy, he was quite cool but he didn’t appear to be the public’s favourite and I doubted his success after the show. But anyway, we pulled up at the offices and Me and Niall jumped out. Niall was reluctant to come along but he knew how much I hated being alone and his mum said that it would be a good idea if there was someone there who knew about my cancer just in case. I hated it when people thought that I wasn’t strong enough to look after myself but I knew they only wanted the best for me so I couldn’t really complain. We walked in through the glass automatic doors into a bright white space, two black leather sofas were in the corner, a glass circular coffee table between them with a crimson rose in a glass vase on it. Everything was minimal and simple. We approached the main desk and gave the friendly young woman our names, she glanced down her computer screen, checking off our names before telling us to go down the corridor where the studio was. We did as we were told and entered the studio. We were greeted by a rather chubby man who was apparently the photographer. He was very friendly and directed us through to a room across the studio. This room wasn’t as glamorous as the rest of the place, but there were tans of rows of racks of clothes. We spotted a fairly short blonde girl over in the far corner, writing something down on a piece of paper clipped onto a clip board. She heard us approach and smiled warmly before telling me the style of photo shoot that they were going for. She left us for a moment saying that the model was here and that she would bring her in so that I could choose the sort of clothing that I thought would suit her. The wooden door opened again and Sarah, the blonde woman, walked back into the room. I had to take a double look at who was behind her. No, this couldn’t happen. I just might be able to cross two things off my list in one day. I looked at Niall who was just as shocked as me. I knew that he loved her, I mean the poster of her above his bed, along with one of Busted (which I thought was a little weird) and one of Kylie showed that she must be up there in his top three. She smiled at me and said hello, I stammered out a hello back, not quite believing that I was stood here about to choose the outfit for Katy Perry!
After my initial shock, the day flew by, I was told that the outfits I chose were individual but that they suited both Katy and the theme that they desired. I was so pleased with myself and I watched as the photos were taken of Katy. It looked like so much fun to be a model or just a celebrity. Niall was still in shock, gawping, mouth wide open at Katy. I can’t blame him though, she is stunning! At the end of the day, I went to go and pick up my bag, Niall went over to talk to Katy who nodded and smiled, Niall continued to talk and she nodded once more before calling the photographer over who also nodded his head before calling me over. I did as I was told and approached them. ‘Tammy, would you like to have a picture of you with Katy?’ The photographer asked. I nodded, maybe a little too eagerly causing Niall to laugh at me a little, at which I glared back before also laughing at myself!
‘Did you have a good time?’ Niall’s mum asked us as we got back into the car. Niall didn’t reply, I think he was still in shock so I answered and told her how amazing it was and that I actually met Katy Perry, explaining Niall’s unusual silence! I realised then that Katy Perry’s lifestyle was the one that Niall deserved, showing off his talent, having pictures of himself in magazines, have people want him to tweet them and send him fan mail. I knew he could, I mean he had everything going for him. He was perfect in every single way.
I went up to my room and turned on my laptop, signing into twitter. I tweeted a couple of my friends and replied to some random girl who seemed nice enough on twitter. Then I realised something. Katy Perry was following me! I sat there in absolute shock. Then I realised she had tweeted me. Thank you so much for picking out some stunning outfits for me today, it was a pleasure to meet you J x I screamed to myself. I rushed over to my jacket and pulled out my notebook and crossed off two numbers, 60 and 77. I smiled to myself, I was feeling more confident in finishing my bucket list. I could do it before I died, I knew I could.
‘Just come on!’ Greg said, dragging me out the front door. ‘Only if you tell me where the hell I’m going!’ I argued, but it was hopeless, he pushed me into his car and drove into town. I saw Niall standing outside a restaurant grinning at me as we pulled up beside him. ‘Happy now?’ Greg asked rolling his eyes. ‘Yes thank you Greg!’ I replied before skipping out the car and over to Niall who pushed me into the restaurant where we were shown to a table. When the waiter came to take our order, I said something that I have always wanted to say. ‘One of everything please,’ I said, finishing with a smile. The waiter looked a little perplexed before dashing off to the kitchen. An hour later we were sat at the table trying to get through as much of the food as we could. Niall was still going, he has always had a massive appetite! ‘I’m full!’ I moaned, putting my hands on my stomach, Niall rolled his eyes and continued to eat. 3 hours later even Niall was beaten, we still had 4 pizzas and 2 portions of pasta in front of us so Niall, being Niall, asked for a box to take the pizzas home.
‘So what do you want to do?’ Niall asked as we strolled slowly around town, both really full after our lunch. I sighed ‘I really don’t mind I replied,’ so we called it a day and went home, wishing that there was more than 3 days left of half term. I was slightly dreading my mum returning tomorrow and I told Niall and he said that he’s sure it will be fine. I turned off my phone and went to sleep. I really couldn’t thank Niall enough for everything he does for me. Especially as right now, little did I know, he was phoning my mum, telling her not to get cross with me about my room, that it was one of the things that I wanted to do before I died, and her being the amazing and caring mother as she is, agreed to not even mention it.
‘MERRY CHRISTMAS!’ Niall yelled at me down the phone. I smiled to myself. I loved our early morning Christmas conversations that we had each year. I had a relaxing day with my mum and I got some lovely presents, although it suddenly dawned on me that I wouldn’t have long to use them. I had one favour to ask my mum. ‘Tomorrow mum, can we go shopping, just the two of us?’ She beamed at me and nodded before engulfing me in a hug. I realised then that I had been pushing my mum away when she was probably the one I needed most.
I flopped down on the sofa, dumping my bags all around me. With my £500 of Christmas money I had bought presents for all my friends, especially Niall. They were going to be my good bye presents, it was my mum’s idea and I had to say, it was one of the best ideas ever!
I ran upstairs once I had recovered from a day’s shopping and ticked off that on my list. I sat and looked at my list before dashing downstairs and finding the form that had come in the post that morning. I took it back upstairs and put it in an envelope. On the front of the envelope I wrote Nialler, go and chase your dream, for me, I want you to share your talent with the world, I know you can do it. I’m just sorry I won’t be there to see it. I love you so so much. In fact more than that. I’ll be waiting for you to join me but I don’t mind how long I wait, I’ll always be waiting and watching you. Love you Tam xxxxxx
I then wrapped up all the presents for my friends, last I wrapped up Niall’s. I took my notebook and crossed out:
· Have that one special person treat me like a princess
And wrote a small message next to it Thank you Nialler, you have made me feel really special, I’m sorry for leaving you but I have a feeling that you will still have a lovely life and meet some great new friends. You have really treated me like a princess since my diagnosis when I was 14, but even before then you put my needs first. Thank you
There was only one thing left that I hadn’t done but I was feeling worse by the minute, I had to learn to let some things go. I wrapped up my guitar and wrote a label saying Nialler on it. And got into bed.
Tammy’s Mum’s POV
After boxing day Tammy’s condition grew rapidly worse, today it was the 5th January 2010, the first day back at school for some people. I phoned Niall to let him know that Tammy was feeling poorly and that he could come and see her after school. He said he would be round after school and to tell her to get better soon! But I knew and he knew she wouldn’t.
Niall’s POV
I sat in Maths, a knotted sensation formed in my stomach. I knew then that there was something I needed to do. As soon as the school bell rang I ran out of school, ignoring the fact that Ryan and Sean were yelling after me. I had to go to Tammy and tell her exactly how I felt. I couldn’t contain my emotions anymore. I loved my best friend. I was in love with Tammy.
Tammy’s Mum’s POV
I held her hand and glanced at the clock, 2 pm, school would be finishing in half an hour, normally Tammy would be complaining that she was hungry had she not had lunch yet but she was sleeping. I watched her, her chest was rising up and down, but it grew slower and slower. ‘Mum, say goodbye to Niall for me, I love you mum,’ Tammy croaked. At 2:31 pm, Tammy passed away. Cancer took her life.
Niall’s POV
I checked my watch 2:35pm, record time to get to Tammy’s I had never run so fast. I turned the corner and watched as an ambulance sped past me, leaving Tammy’s mum standing on the driveway. As I approached, she gave me the look. I knew it was over. We embraced each other. Crying until there was no tears left. ‘Tammy said to tell you goodbye,’ her mum sniffled. A solitary tear rolled down my cheek, proving I still hadn’t cried out all my tears. I went inside and up the stairs. I sat on her bed and placed my hand on the purple handprint just above the headboard. Her hands were tiny, mine covered up all the paint. I sobbed, leaning against the wall. Her mum entered and handed me a small present, I knew what it was instantly. I unwrapped it, it was her notebook. I looked inside and saw her note next to number 45. A lump formed in my throat. I flicked through the rest of the empty pages. Something at the back caught my eye. It was the picture of me and hr in Spain and there was a note. Nialler, I realise now that I never told you how I felt. I was scared of having my heart broken so I figured I can tell you now as my heart has stopped and now can’t be broken. I realised something almost a year ago. I realised that I was in love with my best friend. I was in love with you. I still am but I know we can’t be together. But I will be waiting and when the time is right we can be together again. Now look under my bed, I want you to tell the others why I didn’t tell them about my cancer and give them each a present, tell them that they really were the greatest friends I could ever ask for but you Nialler, you won the contest by a long way. I want you to live your dream, you have a beautiful voice. Give it your best shot. You’ll be forever in my heart. Tam xxxxxx
I cried then, I stayed in her room for hours before I eventually pulled out all the presents. I unwrapped the ones for me. The first was her guitar. I couldn’t even play guitar but I made myself a promise. I would learn how to play it. Then there was an envelope. Inside was an application form for the X Factor. Tam had filled it out and left a little post it note on it. ‘Just post it, hard work is done, now let the talent shine through, I’ll be watching proud of my best friend, you’re amazing’
***
I looked to my right and smiled, Louis gave me a reassuring smile back. The X Factor doors opened and we stepped out. It had been almost a year since we had come third and now we were back performing our latest single Gotta Be You. I knew Tammy would be watching down. I gave the song all I had. Catching the eyes of the other boys. Tammy was right, I had made some great new friends, each reminding me a little of Tammy in their own ways. Louis had a similar style to her, we were always happy when we were together which is like how I was with Tammy. My four new best friends were helping me get over the loss of my bestest friend ever. After the song I rushed backstage and rummaged in my coat pocket for the notebook. The studio had now emptied and I went and sat on the steps on the stage. I held the notebook, just reading the message at the back over and over again. I read it one last time before going to the front and neatly crossing out number 100
· Make another person’s dream come true
I looked up to see the rest of the boys gathered round. ‘She must have been an amazing person, Harry said, sitting down beside me. I smiled and nodded as a tear rolled down my cheek. ‘She is so proud of you right now Ni,’ Zayn added, giving me a smile which I returned. I nodded. ‘She really was the best, I’m in this for her now,’ I replied. They all nodded and I stood up and walked out of the studio with them. I looked up at the sky, it was a clear night in London and there was this one star shining especially bright. ‘Thank you,’ I whispered, looking up at the brightest star. ‘I miss you Tam,’ I finished.
SORRY ITS SO SAD L xox