Ugh last week for the first week of school was horrible. But it was even worse this week too
Why are the kids at my school so ughhhhh
Today a guy was so damn close to my face and he was about to forcefully kiss me but I ended up screeching and kicking him in the balls.
And yesterday some boys tried to surround me and they were touching me and they wanted to fuck me, I have a fucking girlfriend. (And don't even think about asking me who she is, my love life is not your business)
And and the first week of school I was just so torn apart and so fuckin damaged. I was literally having the worst three weeks ever since
I had started school but I feel so tired and so damn sick all the time. And what’s even worse the principal is the guy I had as a principal,
In elementary school
And I am scared shitless of him because I did something so bad back then and if someone ever laughed about it I end up screaming again
I was stupid back then and what I did left a permanent mark on his forehead.
I was literally crying and screaming because I was accused of hurting people when really the kids in my class were so fucking cruel.
And when I tried to tell the principal what really happened he wouldn’t believe me then I ended up throwing a shoe in his face
I was blamed for hurting people and also beaten up in the process. And some people ask me why don’t you go to a therapist?
I do but I don’t want to go. Because they say mean things about me too. Last appointment I had with my therapist
She called me homicidal and that broke me down hard
Then other doctors said I was always depressed or just like this because so I can get what I want. And what’s fucked up my mom believes them
But they were lying. I never did that because i wanted to get my way I was literally broken my heart was nothing but a shard and now I feel
So damn empty.
But also my sister’s still hate me and I’m trying to be a better sister and role model for them but they always hurt & physically/emotional
*physically/verbally/emotionally and mentally abusing me, back then I was just so sad and felt so worthless I used to burn my skin
I used to cut or even drink alcohol even though I was young but I did stop &. Another thing I also hate that my family support my gay Uncles
But they didn’t accept me when I told them I was bisexual and I was agender, that I preferred to use Xe/Xir/Xem pronouns
I was literally going insane at that moment it happened when gay marriage was made legal I felt so lonely and felt like an outcast
And they kept telling me that “It’s just a phase”
“You don’t know yet”
“You are just confused”;
“You are so annoying”
“And you wonder why no body likes you”
“At least I’m not as retarded as you”
“Your better off staying in a mental hospital”
“She’s just doing to get her way”
“She’s so lonely she became homicidal,she needs more pills”
And on the first day of school I wasn’t so good, remember I said I was meant to go to Brakenridge highschool? Well I was rejected again
And they sent me back to Sam Houston, and what had set me off more was the principal at Brakenridge, she said she didn’t need anymore
“depressed” and “sick” students. I was so damn pissed off, and my sister got to go there and it was the school she wanted to go to
And she says it’s no big deal, she even said this “At least I’m trying to do something with my life unlike an embarrassment like you”
after school that day I was already very tired & sick, I had thrown up on the sidewalk after I got off the bus, then I ended up passing out
When my mom helped me up she told me she was making my favorite food to cheer me up, I was happy for that but later that evening was very…
Horrible.
When I had took a shower for just 5 minutes my sister bursted in and started yelling and screaming at me to get out and when I was trying to
Hurry up, 3 minutes later she came in again then grabbed me out of the shower and pushed me to my bed and told me to change so she could
Take a shower
She ended up beating me up and I don’t fight back because I don’t want to hurt my own sister
Then that’s when my dad gets involved and he started yelling at me too, and kept telling me to change, and I was but also he broke my phone
Right in front of me to hurt me more so I could ‘learn’ a lesson not to take forever in the shower which I don’t but yes I did get a new
*new phone,and I always have my phone with me to talk to friends and all that and they always use the things I care and love against me
And I was a literal sobbing mess that night, I couldn’t sleep just like the days before that day, I didn’t have sleep at all because I was so sick that day.
And my dad says to walk it off and just cry myself to sleep, and it just hurts so much to hear from my dad and says I should’ve stayed.
With my real dad but he had died on Christmas day, and when my mom had gotten home she started yelling at them too,my family never gives me
A chance to prove I am not worthless, it’s a battle every single day to me & I had lost 7 pounds when I started eating less, I was laughing
I was laughing so much at my pain during that day too, I was laughing so much I couldn’t stop and started crying.
Sometimes I think why do I even try anymore? But I keep going but just think it’s worthless to keep moving forward because I was always beat
Down but hey at least my dad didn’t bring out the belt during that day haha.. I had so many bruises & wounds when I went to school the next
Day and people were wondering why I was so damaged and why I look like a beaten bloody pulp, I chose to laugh at it and just say I fell but
I didn’t, I just kept saying that I was “fine” after that hellish week I started to eat a lot during the weekend because I was so hungry
I even sweated a lot even when I had gotten in the shower, and I was so sleep deprived I just ignored the empty numbness in my heart as I was just laughing so much at what they had Said
*As I kept smiling and laughing at my pain, my sister’s called me a freak or saying that I enjoyed pain when I didn’t
After that week & this week I just kept going, I have nothing left in my heart, I feel dead inside, I can’t enjoy the things I like as much
My heart is honestly nothing but an empty husk of what was left of the “real” me
I still kept going but felt nothing at all
And during summer break when I went to the Mcnay art museum I went to a LGBT art group meeting & everyone was talking about their struggles
When I started talking about my life everyone started crying, saying I don’t deserve to feel this way
Even though my family just blamed and abused me for so long for 15 years they are trying to change and be better to me, but my dad and sis
They are not, they are always angry all the time and take it out on me
Whenever something happened to me because of them I would tell my friends online and they would say, “They need to stop being so hard on you
Or "I swear your sister’s aren’t supposed to treat you this way, you do so much for them but they just treat you like trash”
Or even saying this “If you can’t trust therepist’s then don’t.go to them if they keep saying those bad things about you”
The mean things those therepist’s were saying was this -
“If she keeps crying she will become homicidal”
“She just needs to stop being a-
*"She just needs to stop being a crybaby”
“You need to stop being the way you are and.just grow up”
Well how can I if you keep bringing it
Up? How can I if you keep beating me down and abusing me in so many ways?
And also the horrible things my sister’s always said about me just makes me hurt the most
“Your so annoying just stop trying to breathe and talk”
“I wish you weren’t my big sister!”
“I just wish you were dead”
“God you are such a crybaby, no wonder no one likes you”
“Stop crying so much just because you are lonely”
“Oh walk it off! You’ll die alone”
And honestly I am just so done with my sister’s bullshit when I keep trying to be there for her she calls me selfish for crying
And when she is down I was always there to cheer her up but she always pushes me away
Anyway. As I was saying… I have to deal with everything that has ever happened to me, but those horrible things keep repeating over & over
They keep repeating in every single moment of my life and it has driven me mad, I still and trying to recover but it’s not so easy.
I have a constant battle every day in my head to try and recover. It’s a struggle I am unable to overcome..
Everyday my mind always to tell me to smile and laugh at my pain, just keep smiling and laughing through the years and pain
& I do that, but I also am ready to confess somethin I have NEVER told anyone. It was always embarrassing to talk about it but now I’m ready
Y'all know about my Persona’s Alicia & Deathly, they are the good & the bad personas, but also I never told anyone why I like them so much
I liked them so much ever since I was a baby child. I always saw them by my side, they would talk, they would even help and comfort me
Stayed with me, loved me, and they considered me as a friend. They always were there for me, but what’s even sadder, I would try to hug themAnd when I did.. they always disappeared. I would break down so much, it was so much pain I couldn’t handle, it was seething agony
They were always there because I was so dangerously lonely and I have them with me still, they are still with me today as well, they always
I was so damaged & broken as a kid for 15 years, I couldn’t bare it at all, I used to even try to smoke because my grandma Ann used to smoke
I used to drink alcohol because of my Grandpa Art, but also… When I was in my school year’s I ended up coming home all the time, bloody
Bloody,burised,cut and always limped, my family didn’t really care for me back then, but the ones who were with me was Grandma Rose and Leslie
I felt so lonely and worthless I had started cutting and burning myself when I was only 3
I would sob all the time but I still managed to be the top at my class, and when I had started drawing, I did it to calm myself down
And still, I draw and I’m an artist because I love to draw. But back then people used to rip my drawings apart in front of me
I would just feel so bad, people would hurt me and use things against me to make me miserable and unhappy, not letting me be myself
Even before I went to highschool, I know in the 8th grade I was drawing in the middle of class, to calm me down, but the substitute took it
She threatened to burn it, if I didn’t start working, when I asked the person to ask him if he could ask her to give it back he yelled at me
He yelled at me in front of the whole class, I had started to break down and scream into my hands, sobbing because I felt like I was doing
I felt like I was doing something bad when I actually wasn’t, the school allowed me to draw during class if I ever felt nervous
2 other cases had happened as well during that 8th grade year, I was in a special class AND was told to wait for my teacher for my special teacher
The teacher who was in that classroom I was told to wait in, took my drawing book away and I asked her nicely to give it back, but all she
*But all she said to me was “Oh shut up and stop crying” I was so furious. She KNEW I was allowed to draw during class or anything if I
Ever felt nervous, but she just ignored it and told me to stop being a crybaby. The assistant principal had came in after that as well
*Like she was the victim and that I was the bad guy in that situation, she said she didn’t do it when I SPECIFICALLY heard her say that!
I was sent home after it had happened that day, I still don’t have my old drawing books.. I still wanted them back but they wanted me to pay
*Pay for it,
EXCUSE ME!? those books are MY property! I bought them myself! You have no right to take them & expect me to pay for it as if
*As if it were a phone! It was so ugh! I was so pissed off & I still don’t have them,my grandma even stormed down to the school to get them
They wanted me to pay 50$ in order to get them back,I hated it. The other case that happened was my teacher taking out their anger on me
& I started crying so much when she thought I was slacking off when I was using the computer to work on a essay, the other students who were
Only 4th graders kept on telling the teacher to stop because they knew that I was working,but she didn’t. she told me to grow up..&….
She told me this “Oh stop crying and grow the hell up, stop being such a crybaby”
After lunch,I went back to her class she ‘apologized’ & said “I’m sorry for screaming at you I was just so angry with the 4th graders”
“I was so stressed out with them I’m sorry for yelling at you, you need to stop crying although and grow up”
“And stop slacking off.”
WTH JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE STRESSED OUT DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT OUT ON ME AND EMBARRASS ME
And I still hate her, I still have the people who abused and hurt me, but I know they were just being pricks
I would never forgive them after what they did to me, they even did it to me because of my disorders & because of my looks & myself entirely
They said was nothing but a waste of space. I was always so broken & I still am, I have nothing left in my heart, just a husk of the old me
It’s funny… How I thought Alicia and Deathly were my real 'friends’ when I made them up in my mind
It’s so sad at the same time, so depressing, they will still be my Persona’s because they are the voices in my head & I like them so much
But these week and the many hurtful things that happened to me has completely broke me, I feel nothing, I feel empty, I feel lonely and sad
So there you have it, about why I’m like this, I have a feeling you all are gonna tell me to grow up& stop being a crybaby but go ahead…
Go ahead I guess but also I’m sorry you all had to read about how I feel and feel annoyed about it, I understand.
This is what was exactly said on my Twitter account when I decided to tell everyone about how I felt.
(plus had to make a part two because I reached a limit for a text post on Tumblr but yes...)
Now you all know what is my current situation and why updates and art posts are slow, but for those who think I'm being selfish and just want attention I'm actually not. I'm just explaining how I feel.
Plus I did do a drawing of how I feel because I thought it was needed for what and how I felt, and for those who care about me. Thank you, I'm glad you are there for me and will always be my friends and like family in my heart :'3