Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry'
Chapter Three: Apologies and Confessions
Sitting on the stream bank, listening to its quiet current, I am filled with sorrow and regret. I am deeply disappointed in myself for having allowed my emotions from earlier in the day, to affect my behavior towards Abram.
I can't help but think about my father, and the way he had acted this morning. I had lashed out at Abram, just like my father had lashed out at me. I don’t want to be like my father, but perhaps I don't have a choice? Maybe I can't avoid becoming the same person he is? Maybe it is my destiny; a destiny I can't escape?
This morning I vowed that no matter what, I would do what felt right in my heart, and treating Abram the way I had, felt very wrong. I realize that the only way I can escape becoming like my father is to keep this vow. I refuse to believe that I can't shape my own destiny.
I know that I can’t change the past. I can’t take back what I said to Abram any more than I can go back in time and prevent Keane from being taken from me. But what I can do is to ask for Abram’s forgiveness, and try to mend our friendship.
I stand with a new feeling of determination. I will find Abram at the Centenary and I will make things right. I stride purposefully out of the woods, already beginning to plan out what I will say to Abram when I find him. I just hope that he can forgive me.
I return home to clean up before heading to the Centenary, and I am relieved to find that my parents have already left for the celebration. I heat several large pots of water on the iron stove in the kitchen, and carry them one at a time across the hall to the washroom, spilling some water on the floor in the process. I am glad that my Mother is not home to see the mess. I add the hot water to the cast iron tub, until it has taken the chill out of the cold water already inside.
When it is warm enough, I soak in the water for a while, my eyes closed and my mind elsewhere. After washing my hair, and scrubbing myself clean with the soap my mother made, I dry off and gather some clothes worthy of the Centenary.
I pull the simple sundress up over my small shoulders, and brush out my long hair. My mother made the dress for me last year from a pretty red fabric with a subtle black floral design. She had traded soaps, baskets, and preserves in order to purchase the fabric for the dress, and had surprised me with it on my birthday. It is the finest dress I own, and I wore it to the Centenary last year. I wish I had a new dress to wear this year, but I don't, so I will just have to be thankful that I even own a dress fit for the Centenary.
Standing in front of the small mirror in the washroom, the only mirror in our home, I study the image that peers back at me. My face is plain and thin, framed by my long dark hair, still damp from my bath. I can only see myself from the shoulders up, so I can only guess what the rest of me must look like. Probably frail and ordinary, just like my face.
I gather my hair into a loose pony tail, and decide that it doesn't matter what I look like. The only thing that matters, is that I make things right with Abram. I slip my feet into my favorite pair of worn leather sandals, and pack a small canvas shoulder bag with a change of clothes for later this evening when the temperature drops. I don't want to be walking home in a sundress, when the chill of evening is in the air.
The Centenary marks the beginning of the official training period that takes place prior to the Petalisms. First year entries, and returning Seekers, are sent to stay and train in Castra Aleria, one of the Provinces surrounding Tamil, for a couple of weeks prior to the beginning of the Petalisms. The Centenary is a farewell celebration that is held to honor those who will be leaving for training in a few days. The southern-most section of Tamil, where I live, holds the Centenary in a large outdoor park.
I reach the park just as the sun is setting. I hadn’t realized that much time had passed, and that I had been in the woods most of the day. As I approach the edge of the park, I stop to take in the scene. It is a large open meadow with a few scattered trees, and a pond along one side. Enormous stone fire pits are scattered throughout the clearing, and are being used to cook food for the celebrations. Several large white, open-sided tents are set up next to the pond, creating eating areas protected from the elements.
A small river flows through the park, and slowly snakes its way through the open meadow until it empties into the pond. An arched wooden foot bridge spans the small river, providing people with access to either side of the park.
As I enter the clearing at the far end of the park, and look down the hillside towards the pond and tents below, I am struck by how beautiful it all looks. The sun is low on the horizon and casts a pinkish glow on the pond and nearby tents. Somehow, it just doesn't seem right for any of it to look beautiful at all. It is such an ugly contradiction; to be celebrating a process that will result in many of the Cities youths being sent away, torn from their families against their will. But, such is the way of the Taleio.
I take a deep breath, and start walking with resolve down the gently sloping hillside. I reach the tents, and search the crowds as I move from tent to tent, but there is no sign of Abram.
I am still searching for Abram when I hear a familiar voice calling out for me.
"Aaleya!"
I recognize the voice right away. It is my friend Blye. I turn around and search the crowd for her. She is waving her arm in the air above the crowd to draw my attention, as she heads in my direction.
"There you are!" she cries out as she meets me in the middle of a large cluster of people. "Abram and I were wondering if you were even going to show up. I am so glad that you did!"
She smiles as she gives me a welcoming hug. I hug her back.
"Well, I decided that I'd better come, so that I can talk to Abram." I explain, as I continue to scan the crowds over her shoulder. There is still no sign of Abram.
"Yeah, probably a good idea. I am not sure exactly what you said to him Aaleya, but he has not been himself since he got back from talking with you. He won't talk about it either, so I have no idea what's going on." Blye says, then she grabs my hand and starts to lead me over to one of the tents. "Come on, let's go sit down so we can catch up."
We sit on the nearest open bench, and Blye turns to me and asks, "So, what exactly happened with you and Abram?"
I haven't seen Blye all day, so she doesn't know about my fight with my father, or my conversation with Abram, so I fill her in from the beginning. I tell her everything including what I had said to Abram. When I am done, she looks at me with amazement.
"Wow, I can understand why you would have been upset, maybe even upset enough to say a few things that you didn't mean.” She comments, as she shakes her head. “But geez Aaleya, why would you say something like that to Abram? He is your best friend, and that was some pretty harsh stuff to say to someone who is as nice as he is. I mean, we're talking about Abram here, Aaleya. He's practically a Saint, and you know that. What is wrong with you anyway?"
I am my father's daughter… that is what is wrong with me.
"You can stop now." I say, "I already feel absolutely lousy. Would you like to rub some more salt into my open wounds now, or after we get something to eat?" I add sarcastically.
Blye looks at me, a little uncertain at first how to take what I said, but then I flash a smile, and we both burst out laughing. We have the kind of friendship in which brutal honesty is both appreciated and welcomed; a friendship based on mutual respect and trust. We aren't as close as Abram and I are, but we also don't share the history that Abram and I do. I value Blye's friendship though, and love that I can just be who I am with her.
"I plan on making it right." I explain, and she looks at me, and nods her head in approval.
"Have you seen my mother?" I ask. I suddenly have the desire to get some advice from a parent before confronting Abram, and my father is obviously not an option.
"Yeah, she is over there under that tent at the far table." Blye says, and adds, "Don't worry, I haven't seen your father all afternoon." She stands and smoothes out her dress. "You go ahead and go talk with her. I will catch up with you later. I am going to go grab something to eat, I am starving."
We part ways, and Blye heads towards the fire pits to get some food. I wind my way through the throngs of celebrating people and find my mother sitting at a table with her friends. She is wearing a simple black summer dress, and her light hair is swept back into a loose pony tail. As usual, she is stunning. As soon as she sees me she stands and holds out her arms for me.
"Aaleya!" she says, and I gladly step into her embrace, and hold on to her tightly. "I was starting to get a little worried." She says as she lets go of me, and holds me back at arm's length, examining me with a look of concern.
"I know, I am sorry, I just needed to be alone for a little while, that's all." It is a half lie, but it is all that I feel comfortable saying in front of all of my mother's friends.
"Mom, can I talk to you for a few minutes?" I ask.
"Of course. Do you want to go get something to eat, or just sit down somewhere?"
"Let's just go sit somewhere." I say. Food is the last thing on my mind at this moment.
We find a private spot to sit down, and I tell her everything. My mother listens without interrupting, and when I am done she finally speaks.
"I am so sorry Aaleya... You and your Father have always clashed, ever since you were little. He has always wanted what is best for you though; he just has a poor approach. He is right about your training, and I think you know that deep down, but that doesn't mean he handled the situation well. He would never truly wish for you to be sent to Piraeus, and I think you know that too. He just doesn't know how to talk to you."
Her light green eyes search mine for a sign of understanding. I nod. It does make sense, but it is all something that I have heard before. I need to hear something new. I need to hear something deeper; something that will help me to put the Petalisms, and my father's actions into perspective.
"I just don't know what to think about the Petalisms. I know that both you and Dad support them, and that they have resulted in many people working towards improving themselves, which can't be a bad thing. And I know that their ultimate purpose is to save the human race; to save us all...But..."
I lower my voice, and lean in closer before continuing, not wanting to be overheard.
"But then I think about Keane, and all of the other children who have disappeared, and then I hate the Petalisms. I hate them with a passion. How can something that is supposed to be good, be so horrible and evil at the same time, and result in so many things that are just wrong? Why can't you and Dad see any of this?"
I desperately need to make sense of it all.
My mother takes a long look at me, and her face changes. Her expression becomes serious and pained, and she takes both of my hands in hers.
"I guess now is as good of a time as any to have this talk with you." She says with a deep sigh, and I am suddenly very unsure as to where the conversation is headed.
"I was waiting to talk with you about this until just before you left for Castra Aleria, but I think you need to hear it now. This is just between you and I though, understand? Your Father does not need to know about any of this, ok?" She says.
I am completely caught off guard, and I don't dare say a word. My mother has never asked that I not tell my father about something we discuss. I have the feeling that I am about to hear something that I have never heard before, something that my Mother has never shared with me before tonight.
The fading daylight has given way to the sepia hues of dusk, and evening shadows play across her face as she speaks, adding a sense of drama to her words.
"I love your father very much, and I will always support him. I always have. Sometimes even when I did not completely agree with him. His heart is usually in the right place, but he just has a hard time knowing when to listen to his heart instead of the Taleio. That is the difference between your Father and I; I know when to question the Petalists and to listen to my heart instead. I support the Petalisms, because I support your Father, but I place your happiness above everything else."
This is the first time my mother has ever indicated that she and my Father don't always see eye to eye.
"Most of the time I try to keep the peace, so I pick my battles carefully. If something is not worth fighting for, then I support your Father, and whatever decisions he makes. But if there is something worth fighting for, I will question your Father's opinions, and I will stand my ground."
I suddenly have a whole new respect for my mother. What kind of strength must it take to pick your battles and turn your cheek, even when you don't completely agree? I don't think that I could do that, especially when it comes to my father. I am in awe of my mother's inner strength.
"I want you to know that you are the most important thing to me in this world. I will always be there for you no matter what, even if that means that I have to disregard your father's opinions, or possibly even act against him or the Petalists. You will be facing some very difficult challenges, and you will have some extremely tough choices to make in the months to come. I will support you regardless of the cost. As long as your heart and actions are in the right place, I am prepared to fight for you and what is right, when the time comes."
She looks me dead in the eyes with such conviction that I suddenly understand the true gravity of her words. She is prepared to literally go to battle for me, even if it will be against the Petalists; a battle that we both know she can’t possibly win.
I stare at her in complete amazement. I suddenly feel like I truly don't know my mother at all. There has been a side of her that she has been hiding from me for years. I have always thought that she totally agrees with my father on everything, and that she is timid, relying on my father completely. This now seems like it couldn't be farther from the truth.
What she says next only adds to this new sense of strangeness that surrounds my mother.
"There is more that I need to share with you, but it can wait until after the Centenary is over."
How could there possibly be more? My mother has basically told me that she will risk everything, and go against her husband and even the Petalists if the situation calls for it. What else has she been hiding from me for all these years?
I continue to stare at her with bewilderment, not liking the new feeling of unfamiliarity that I now have towards my mother. We have always been very close, and I now feel like this closeness was not as complete as I thought it was, and this makes me feel a little lost. My world feels turned upside-down. My mother is my anchor. And I now feel as if this anchor has suddenly been pulled out of the water, and I am in danger of drifting aimlessly through this life alone.
My mother must have seen a sign of the inner struggle I am experiencing, for she takes me in her arms and attempts to reassure me. "I know this is a lot to take in, and that I have not always shown you this side of myself, but I want you to understand that this changes nothing; nothing about us that really matters. I love you very much."
I cling to her; my mother, my anchor, and I am almost afraid to let go. I am about to tell her how much I love her, and to shower her with questions, when I hear Blye's voice calling for me.
"Hey, Aaleya!" Blye calls out as she approaches us. "Are you going to come over and sit with us by the fire?"
I release my Mother, and look to her for direction. She gives me a look that says, go to your friends. "We can finish our talk later." She says, as she squeezes my hand reassuringly.
I stand and look back at my mother as I begin to walk away with Blye. My mother smiles warmly at me, her eyes conveying profound love. And I know that she would never abandon me, or let me drift aimlessly through life alone; even if things between us might be different now.
As Blye and I walk back towards the tents, I realize that I didn't have a chance to talk with my mother about Abram, or to get her advice. I suddenly feel slightly panicked. But then the sight of the tents in front of us immediately takes my mind off of all of that. Dusk has completely given way to twilight, and all light is now coming from strings of lights hanging from the tents and the gazebo, or from the moon above. Everything looks so beautiful, that it takes my breath away.
Globe shaped paper lanterns hang from the tent awnings, and strings of small white lights are strung on the roof of the gazebo illuminating the dance floor below. Even the railings of the foot bridge are strung with small white lights. The lights' reflection in the river below creates the illusion of a second bridge extending down into the water.
On the other side of the river fires are still burning in several of the fire pits, sending glowing embers up into the night's sky. People are still sitting around the fires eating, talking and laughing. We approach the foot bridge and begin crossing. As we are nearing the center of the bridge I see Abram approaching the bridge on the other side of the river. I immediately stop walking and turn to Blye.
"I'll meet you over there, ok?" I say, and look back in Abram's direction. She looks at me, and then notices Abram approaching.
"You bet... see you in a bit." she says, and then lowers her voice before continuing. "Good luck by the way, you're going to need it!" She giggles slightly, and pats me on the back as she starts to walk away.
I ignore her teasing. I have to focus on what I am going to say to Abram. Even though I have practiced it in my head many times already, I am still afraid that I will freeze up, and forget everything that I want to say.
Abram is looking down as he walks swiftly towards the footbridge. When he looks up and sees me on the bridge, his pace slows, but he doesn't stop. I take the fact that he keeps walking in my direction as a good sign; a sign that he might be open to accepting my apology.
When he reaches me, he stops a few feet away, and gives me a small, forced smile.
"Hey." He says. His voice sounds strained and unsure.
"Hi." I say in return, searching his face for a hint of how he is feeling. But all that I see is an emotionless mask, hiding what must be just beneath the surface. Even in the darkness, I can tell that this is not the happy and open Abram that I know. My heart breaks. I did this to him.
"You came after all." He says in an emotionless voice, which doesn't reveal whether he is glad that I have come, or disappointed that I have shown up.
"Yeah.", I say as I look down at the wooden floorboards of the bridge. "Can we talk?" I ask, and force myself to look up at him again. My heart fills with fear. I am afraid that he will say no, but he surprises me.
"Sure.", he says quietly, as he turns towards the river and holds onto the bridge railing with both hands. He looks thoughtfully down into the river below.
I do the same, standing beside him peering down into the black water. I watch the reflection of the lights and the bridge as it ripples and distorts slightly in the slow current. The image is tenuous, a symbol of our friendship in this moment.
I take a deep breath. "I am really sorry Abram." I say quietly.
He doesn't say anything in return, or look up. He just continues to stare down at the undulating image of the bridge. He doesn't appear to be angry though, so I continue.
"I should never have said those things to you. I know you were just trying to help, and to make me feel better. I was hurting inside, so I lashed out at you. It was wrong, and I shouldn't have done that. I wish I hadn't, but I can't take it back. All I can do is to tell you how very sorry I am."
Abram looks up at me. His face is illuminated softly in the darkness by the white lights strung on the railing. I can see the hurt in his eyes, and something else that looks like disappointment. The hurt is bad enough, but the disappointment is almost more than I can bear.
"Leya, I will always be there for you, you know that. But, I am going to tell you like I see it. I am not going to just tell you whatever you want to hear. I will give you advice, and then you can do with it what you want. I wouldn't be doing you any favors, if I just sugar coated everything for you, and led you to believe that everything was fine all the time. If you want me to continue to be there for you, then you are just going to have to learn to accept that."
He pauses for a few moments, as if considering whether to say more or to stop, and then he continues.
"I might say some things that you don't want to hear, but the one thing I can promise you that I would never do, is intentionally hurt you. You are too important to me."
"You are important to me too. Your friendship means the world to me. That is why I feel so horrible right now. I am so afraid that I may have damaged our friendship."
I can hear the anxiety and uncertainty in my voice. Have I damaged our friendship? I would never be able to forgive myself if I have done something that will cause me to lose Abram.
"You would have to do or say something a lot worse Leya, for me to be unable to forgive you." He pauses for a moment, and then a hint of a smile plays across his lips, "But, that is not an invitation or a challenge!" He warns me playfully, and his eyes speak volumes. His eyes say that I have been forgiven. They also seem to be saying something else; something that I just can't quite put my finger on.
I smile back at him, studying his face. I try to figure out what else it was that I was seeing in his eyes, but it escapes me, so I let it go.
"I will try hard not to do anything unforgivable then." I kid with him slightly, but I am also serious. I will not do or say anything to jeopardize our friendship again.
His smile widens for a moment, and then he grows serious again.
"Good, because I don't think I could handle losing you." He says.
"I don't want to lose your friendship either Abram." I say.
He looks away from me and down at his hands, which are still grasping the bridge railing. His jaw clenches and unclenches nervously, and I can tell that he is struggling internally with something; something big. I have never seen him act like this before. What is going on with him? Why is he acting so strange? When he finally speaks, I immediately understand, but my brain still has a difficult time wrapping itself around what he says.
"It is more than just a friendship for me, Leya."
He speaks very quietly, but his words are heard loud and clear.
He looks up again, and into my eyes, and I suddenly realize what that other thing was that I had seen in his eyes. His eyes convey such strong emotion, that I can't understand how I hadn’t noticed it before.
How had I missed this?