The stars above seemed like they were perfectly painted on the vast, void skies acting as canvas. It wasn’t really dark—the stars twinkled like they were humming me lullabies as I calmed myself.
This night feels like every other night, but my heart beats abnormally ecstatic. Marahil ay dahil sa alak o sa sigarilyo na aking ipinanghalili sa pagsusulat.
These days I have been really down and unmotivated. I have been receiving calls from my publisher and I can’t deny that I am a bit pressured. Sino ba naman ang hindi? I am a novice at this. I mean, I have been writing since I was in elementary, but this is another level.
To publish a book is one of the many things a writer could dream of.
And I am already a step ahead of that dream. Sa oras na maipasa ko na ang aking libro ay matutupad na ang isa sa mga pangarap ko.
This was our dream.
But now, it’s only mine to fulfill. Mine to continue. Because some characters of the book are meant to go outside the world and leave the writer with nothingness. Maybe that was his part.
Make me feel numb for me to learn how to strive for emotions.
“Odessa,” I looked at the door to find my Dad on his white, satin suit paired with a navy blue tie. “Can I come in?"
Tipid akong ngumiti. He went inside and sat beside me, on my little, rattan chair and looked at me intently. Parang alam ko na kung saan tungkol ito.
“Anak,” He started. I know he’s having a hard time right now with all his problems with his mistress. “your Mom and I decided that—”
I cut him. “Pa, kung tungkol ito sa paglipat ko sa Espanya, I assure you, I’m totally okay with it.” I said, nonchalantly. I darted my gaze at my blank paper, avoiding his.
Papa sighed, giving up. “Okay. Just tell me what you need, ‘kay?” He kissed my temple and partly patted my head.
As long as I heard the door shut, I let out the air I was holding in. I have to do it—to save myself from drowning here, in this chaos, in this fire that’s constantly burning my sanity.
At least, sa Espanya, no one knows me. No one would know what I did here. I laughed at myself. Really, Dessa? Tingin mo ba matatakbuhan mo ang mga bulong? Ang mga titig?
No, Odessa, the burden will forever be with you. This goes infinite.
Kumuyom ang aking mga palad. I can’t contain my anger—or maybe, this is guilt.
Why would I be guilty over something that made me whole? If I haven’t done it, then I wouldn't be here holding this pen.
Fucked up.
I stood up and fixed myself in front of the mirror. Matagal kong pinagmasdan ang aking repleksyon, tila hindi na nga makilala kung sino iyon. I looked so innocent, wearing this flowy, floral, pink cocktail dresss, a pastel pink stilleto, and a pendant.
Ang aking buhok ay malayang nagpapahinga sa aking likuran. My hair’s wavy and painted with bronze brown. I looked like my Mom so much. Maybe, that’s why my Dad chose me over my sister.
Dane is my 14-year-old sister. She was brought to my Lola Claire in Canada. Matalino siya, the reason why she was always the highlight of every family gathering.
While I would just lock my room and pick a pen—sometimes to write, most of the times to—
I was cut with my thoughts when Rei beeped my phone. Isa pa ’to, I whispered myself. Lahat ng kaklase namin ay humahanga sa pagkakaibigan naming dalawa.
We actually looked like sisters. Kami ang palaging nagkakasama sa school, we eat lunch together at the green meadows on the field, and most of all, kaming dalawa ang top palagi sa academics.
But no, I don’t really like her. She reminds me of Troy. He likes chess, too. He is equally annoying as her.
Pinabayaan ko nalang iyong mensahe niya at inayos na ang sarili ko upang maghanda na sa pagtulog, kung makakatulog ako sa gabing ito.
But, unfortunately, my phone rang.
“Hi, Odessa!” Her voice made me cringe, I can't help but grimace. “Alam ko magkikita naman tayo bukas, eh, but I just want to share this good news to you!”
“Yeah?” I tried to sound excited about it but I know I suck with pretending.
She squealed and I felt like my eardrums are going to crash. “Magnus asked me on a date!”
Now, she caught my attention. “You mean... Magnus Lincoln, the Senior?” She should be kidding me. Magnus is a total snob. No, don’t think of romantic sceneries because that’s not what I am pointing out here.
He is a weirdo.
Even though he is undeniably god-like, he still is Magnus. Kahit isang beses, hindi pa siya nababalitaang may nililigawan o may napag-iinteresang babae. And don’t pair me up with him because he will never look like a boyfriend-material to me.
“Quit your thoughts, Des. Bakit hindi ka na lang maging masaya para sa ‘kin? I have been crushing on him since we were on 7th grade!”
She doesn't know a thing. Gusto ko siyang sigawan but I have to control my emotions. I don’t want anyone knowing this side of me—baka umabot sa puntong masisid nila ang pinakamalalim na parte ni Odessa.
I sighed in resignation. “Do what you want, Rei. But I am warning you.” I hung up. I don’t want to hear her innocence.
I closed my eyes as I snuggled on my bed. “Malipat na, Des, matatakasan mo na ‘tong lahat.” If I have to brainwash myself just to escape this storm, I will. It’s not like I still have a choice.
The next thing I saw as I opened my eyes was the faint streaks of sunlight peeking through the curtains reflecting a dancing prism of bursting colors depicting the hues of the rainbow.
I have to go to school at exactly nine o’clock in the morning to pass my Oral Communication project. Of course, I know, I did well.
I went downstairs after I took a bath. I wore a plain, ivory, cotton sweatshirt paired with a black leggings perfectly wrapping my long legs. I brushed my hair with my fingers, gently curling it to make it look naturally wavy.
“Good morning.” My Dad sat on the table together with Alessandra, his mistress. I’m not even moved, seeing them eating together.
Tipid akong ngumiti sa kanya. I turned my gaze to Alessandra and caught her staring at me. She looked away; I smirked.
“May lakad ka?” He asked.
I took the seat in front of Alessa and waited until the maids were able to fill my plate and glass. “I’m going to school.” I said without even throwing him a glance.
“May lakad ka pagkatapos?” I shrugged at him. Ayokong manatili sa eskwelahang iyon, masyadong nakakabigat ng pakiramdam ang bawat sulok. Nagkatinginan silang dalawa. “Gusto ka sana naming isama ni Tita Alessa mo sa isang batch reunion.”
Unfortunately, they were batchmates. Alessa was my Dad’s first girlfriend, as what he explained to me. Nakilala niya lang si Mama dahil sa mga magulang nila.
But when I ask him if he loves Mom, he would look down—and that made me realize that love is non-existent.