You are not pregnant.
I was ashamed of the fact that I was relieved hearing those words. Those words were supposed to break hearts. Mine did too. But I was relieved knowing Evan wouldn't get mad. He wanted this. My vision blurred with tears and the smile on my lips felt too heavy. It hurt so much. Just when I was beginning to feel something, the harsh reality was thrown in front of me. I wasn't going to become a mother. And now I could never become one. What did I do to deserve this?
I nodded wordlessly to the doctor explaining the possibilities of my symptoms relating it to stress. She scribbled something on a prescription for me, but I barely looked at it. The world crashed beneath my feet.
"Thank you, Doctor. We'll leave."
There was going to be no baby.
I'd never be a mom.
Unstoppable tears ran down my cheeks. I didn't even realise when I reached the car. The driver opened the door for me, and I went inside the confines of the car. My world grew smaller in the confines of the car. I wanted something to hold onto and cry my heart out.
It was stupid of me to cry over something that was never in existence. I didn't lose a child, nor did I ever conceive one. Wiping my tears I inhaled a huge breath to calm myself down. I couldn't cry. I was stronger than this.
The rest of the car journey was silent. Neither of us spoke anything until we reached home. Before the driver could open the door, I rushed out straight inside our home.
Evan followed me inside and stopped me just on the foot of the stairs.
"Are you alright?" He held my hand and urged me to face him.
"I want to be alone. Please let me go." He didn't. I couldn't even look at him. I was hurting and his face only reminded me of the disappointment I had seen on it earlier. I was afraid of seeing relief on his face.
"I need some time alone."
"I'm going to work from home today. Just call me if you need something." I didn't reply as I climbed up the stairs.
Crying soothed me as much as the hot shower I had taken only moments ago. I looked for my favorite book to read before bed. I checked in the bedside drawer but found something else instead.
My hand froze on it.
It was a picture of me with my family. My parents were in the middle, my dad's hand was around my mother's shoulders and me and my sister were on either side of our parents. We were smiling, we were happy. It was taken on my parents' anniversary. I had surprised them with a small party after landing myself a job in Carter Industries.
I missed them.
My heart was filled with so much longing for my parents. I needed them now more than ever to hold me and tell me everything was going to be alright. I needed my mom to console me in her arms.
Then the painful realization hit me. All my life, my parents had loved me so much, but I had disgraced them by eloping. Karma was hitting me in the face for being a bad daughter. It was only fair that I would pay for my sins. God was punishing me by not letting me experience motherhood because I had hurt my parents. I was paying for my sins, and I deserved it. I deserved all the worst punishments.
Was this how they felt when I broke their hearts?
Maybe they felt worse.
Mom, Dad, please forgive me.
*****
Diana standing in the hallway of our home and waiting for me was not what I could have imagined.
"Hi Rose," Diana greeted me with a warm hug.
"You look beautiful. The wedding glow is really showing on you." Diana genuinely looked very beautiful. Her skin glowed and she had a healthy tan on her body. Jake loved her very much and I had never seen her happier.
"Oh yeah! I was in LA last week, and I had a wonderful spa and hair treatment. I'm glad that it's working. You should've come with me. We'd enjoy it there." Diana excitedly talked about her trip. I listened quietly pretending to be enthusiastic about it.
"Let's go shopping."
"I'm really sorry, but I don't feel good." Shopping was not on the list of things I wanted to do right now. Rotting in my bed, curled up under a blanket was more apt.
"No, I'm not taking a no for an answer. You're coming with me and that's final."
I gave up. "Okay, but I have to tell Evan first."
"Don't worry about him. I've already spoken with him. It won't hurt him if you leave your husband for a while." She chuckled.
We hit a few stores throughout the city and Diana clearly loved shopping more than me. I picked up a few cosmetics and some shoes she recommended.
I watched Diana as she confidently moved around like she didn't care about anything else. She was younger than me but a lot more confident and courageous than me.
Bold and beautiful, that was her.
"Thanks Diana." I spoke. I wasn't very ecstatic about the shopping spree earlier, but it successfully taken my mind off the cursed morning. I would forever be grateful to her for being there for me.
Something about the tone of my voice must've made her stop in her tracks. She gave me a small smile.
"I'll always be there to support you. Whatever happened...." She said but stopped mid-sentence and her eyes widened. I was confused. Did she know? But how?
"You know what happened?" I asked her. She seemed at a loss for words.
"Evan called me and asked if I could take you out. He said that you were upset over something so I should try to cheer you up. He didn't mention what it was, and I won't force you to tell me but I'll always be there for you. We're sisters. He asked me not to tell you that it was his idea, but I guess I can't keep secrets. Please don't be mad." I hugged her grateful to have her beside me. She was right, we were sisters. I couldn't be mad at her.
It was Evan who needed some sense knocked into him.
"I'm not mad at you." I told her and saw her posture relax. "It's Evan. He hurt me."
"Don't worry darling, he gave me his credit card earlier. Let's make him pay for it." She winked at me, and I found myself smiling for the first time.
. . .
It is so much fun reading old comments and seeing people losing their minds. I know I shouldn't find this so funny but damn you guys are entertaining. Keep up the love!
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