We went to Hot Topic and bought a few things. I got two sets of bracelets, two new band shirts, a pair of black skinnies, and finally a adventure time shirt because that show is the shit.
After that we roamed the mall for another hour or so.
Now we were in the food court. Cassadee was practically forcing me to eat despite the fact that I'm not even hungry.
She said I only had to eat half. So that's what I did. We talked about girl shit while she finished her food. She could see I was still upset and didn't really care to be here however.
We threw away our food and hopped back into the car. "Maria, if you ever need to talk I'm here for you. Don't forget that." She said. I nodded and the rest of the car ride was silent.
We got to the house and I thanked her again for taking me out before marching upstairs back into my bedroom where I would reside for the rest of the day.
I quickly changed into something more comfortable; polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=83112538
I was really trying to be okay ya know. Trying to be happy. But I still found myself in his sweater.
I sat on my bed and pulled my laptop over onto my lap and checked twitter. I had a bunch of dm's and tweets from Jack, some from fans calling me names and whatnot for making Jack upset. I slammed it shut.
All the tears started to come back. I pushed the laptop off of me and brought my knees to my face. I wrapped my arms around my legs and just cried. Cried for hours.
I cried until I couldn't anymore. I laid in my bed now, staring at the ceiling, wishing I was dead. I'm such a idiot for falling for him. I can't believe the one person who's helped me through so much has put me back into depression.
I grabbed my blade from under my pillow. I need to cut.
Alex would kill me right now if he knew what I was doing.. I slowly but deeply cut my skin open. I didn't go too deep because I wasn't ready to die.. yet.
Please let this be a dream..
I grabbed a few paper towels I had hid under my bed and put it under my arm so it wouldn't drip onto the floor. I started to cry again. Not just about Jack though, about what I had done, what my mom would think of me right now, what Alex would think of me right now.. maybe even Thomas..
All the sudden there was a knock at the door. "Fuck.." I mumbled. I quickly wiped off all the blood but I was still bleeding. "Maria.." It was Alex. God damn it.
"Hold on just a minute.." My now raspy voice called. I wrapped a few sheets of paper towel around my arm then pulled down my sleeves. I shoved everything under the bed then finally ran to the door and opened it.
"Yes?" I asked wiping my eyes. "Are you okay? You haven't left your room all day.." He asked as he helped me wipe my eyes. I gave him a fake smile. "Yeah I'm fine." I lied.
"Then why does it look like you've been crying?" He asked. "I had a bad dream that's all. I'm fine though." I lied again. God I'm such an idiot. I started to fumble with my necklace.
I felt horrible for lying to him but it had to be done. He couldn't find out. He'd hate me.
He pulled me in for a hug. My arms wrapped around him almost instantly. I snuggled my head into the crook of his neck. "I'm sorry.." He whispered. "For what..?" I asked. "Jack."
"Alex.. It's not your fault. Really and I'm fine, it doesn't matter." I said. He sniffled. I felt a little wetness drizzling down my back. He was crying now..
"Alex don't cry.." I squeezed him tighter. He pulled out of the hug and kissed my forehead. "Go get some rest, I'll see you in the morning." He said before walking off. I nodded despite the fact he was already gone.
I closed the door and locked it again. I pulled up my sleeves and took off the bloody paper towel. I threw it in the little garbage can by my dresser along with all the other ones.
My arm had finally stopped bleeding. I sighed and pulled my blade from underneath the bed and put it back under my pillow. I put my headphones in and turned on some music before finally falling asleep.
a month later
It's been a month now. I'm back at home, still depressed as before.
But now I had more time to myself meaning more time to cut. Alex or Rian usually stop by two or three times a week to see if I'm okay since I haven't kept up on my social media because I can't stand all the messages from Jack.
I walked into the kitchen and looked into the empty fridge for the tenth time today. It's been empty for a while. I've haven't ate in ages.
On the bright side I've gotten thinner. I sighed and closed it and walked off into the bathroom. I stripped myself from my clothes and weighed myself in, for the 3rd time. I was covered in scars.
From hip to hip starting just above my lower area and ending just before my breasts start. Both of my legs were covered in cuts, all around. My arms as well, from wrist to shoulder. Sometimes if there was no room anywhere else I was forced to cut on my stomach and fingers.
I weighed in at 98 pounds.
I'm still not thin enough. I barely have a thigh-gap but it's coming. Soon, I told myself. I groaned before putting my clothes on again when there was a knock at the door.
I trudged my way to the door. "Who's there?" I asked. My voice was raspy and gross because I hadn't talked in so long. "Maria?" A familiar husky voice asked.
"C-Can I come in?" They asked. "Who is it?"
"Jack." They mumbled. My eyes widened. What do I do, what do I do. I'm dreaming aren't I? I clutched my eyes closed and took a deep breath as if I was trying to wake up from a nightmare, before opening the door.
I finally exhaled and opened my eyes, "What do you want?" I asked. "I kept trying to message you.. and call you but you wouldn't answer. I called Alex but he said you weren't there and told me to come here.." He mumbled.
"I don't want to talk to you Jack." I went to go shut the door but he pushed it back with his hand. "Maria.. please let me explain." He was on the verge of tears now.
"You have five minutes. Not a second more Barakat." I stated. He nodded and walked over to the couch. I closed the door and followed, sitting across from him.
"Maria, you have to understand, I was drunk. But not just drunk I was fucking hammered okay. I missed you so bad but I needed space at the same time. I didn't know what to do so I got hammered. It sounds so dumb but it's true. I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you." He cried into his hands.
"Damage is done." I said. ".. and a lot of it too." I mumbled so it was almost inaudible. "What?" He asked. "Nothing, it doesn't matter." I said. "What's that on your hand?" He asked reaching for my head.
I pulled down my sleeves and gripped on them "Nothing, just a cut from cutting an apple. Stupid mistake." I lied. "But there was a bunch of them. "Mistakes." I lied again.
"Can I see your arms?" He asked. "No. There's no reason to." I lied. "Please." He begged still crying. "Jack it's just gonna make you cry even more." I said.
"I.. I did that to you. I made you do that to yourself. I'm sorry Maria. I'm so sorry. I-"
"Shut up Jack. You didn't make me do it. I did it myself." I stated. "But it was my fault! I made you want to do it." He said. "No Jack. Stop it." I said. He grabbed my hands. "I'm sorry Maria. I'm sorry." He cried.
No matter how mad and upset at him I was I felt so bad. I was making him cry. I was causing him distress. I engulfed him into a hug. "Stop it Jack, I'm fine, really." I lied.
"I love you, please forgive me." He begged squeezing me tighter. I sighed. "I forgive you Jack." I said and I wasn't lying this time. "Really?" He asked.
I nodded. He grinned. Oh how I missed his smiles. They were always warm and filled with joy. I haven't seen him smile in forever. "Does this mean, we're together again?" He asked.
"If that's what you want, I'm down." I smiled. He gave me a peck on the lips before hugging me again.
'Shake It' by Metro Station started to play. I laughed, it was my ringtone for Alex since he hated the song. I reached out and grabbed my phone from the table.
"What's up?" I asked. "Just calling to check up on you as usual. How's it going? Everything alright?" He asked worried. "Yeah, Jack came over and I let him explain. Everything is okay." I explained. He sighed in relief.
"Good. I was getting really worried about you.. I thought you might have started harming yourself again." He mumbled the last part. I wasn't going to tell him, especially not now. Jack gave me a look that had 'Tell him now' written all over it.
I shook my head. "No, no. I'm fine. Sorry for worrying you." I lied. "It's okay, as long as you're okay. Hey we were all gonna hang out tonight, do you guys wanna join?" He asked.
"Yeah sure, what time?" I asked. "About two hours." He stated. I nodded even though he couldn't see me. "Sounds good, see you then." I said and with that I hung up.
"Maria you need to tell him." Jack said. I stood up. "No I don't Jack. All it's gonna do is hurt him knowing I didn't ask him for help. He's gonna blame himself." I said. He just shook his head.
"We're going over there in 2 hours, so go clean yourself up." I ordered. He walked off into the bathroom while I went to my room. I took out some clothes and brushed through my hair.
I had already took a shower this morning so I was fine. Over the time I was well, depressed I cut my hair so now it had layers and it was cut just above my shoulders.
I put some eyeliner and mascara on then finally got dressed.