Ohh just wait until you read…
twitter: @takemehome053
tumblr: takemehome053.tumblr.com
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
It’s been five days since I’ve seen him. It’s been five days since I’ve had any contact with him. It’s been five days since that drunken night of his. It’s been five days since I told him.
Five days since I told him about the cancer.
How do you go on? How do you go through the days of pain and agony with not knowing a thing? I don’t know a thing. I don’t know a thing about what he’s up to now. I know he’s supposed to go back on his scheduled tour in three days for about a two-week time period. And with that done, he’ll be on a long and enjoyable break until the next tour.
I say the term “enjoyable” very loosely.
Who knows, it might be enjoyable for him. Or it might not be. Does he feel this way? Does the thought of not knowing what is happening between us scare him death, also? Does he feel this anxious when he thinks of me now?
Does he even think of me anymore?
Stop doing this to yourself, my conscious keeps reprimanding me from my stressed out thoughts. It’ll only make it worse, she keeps repeating. That’s all I think my conscious does; repeat, repeat, and repeat.
You told him, the truth is out, and he can now make his decisions. My conscious rings with thoughts like the last. No more hiding. There’s none of that. As much as I want to keep hiding, I know I can’t. There’s nothing to hide behind anymore. It’s like I’m the wizard hiding behind the curtain from The Wizard of Oz. But now the curtain is gone and it’s just me.
Just me.
It’s a scary thought actually; just you. There’s nothing more or less you can do about it because you are you. And no matter how or what, nothing is changeable. No matter how much you wish you could disappear or forget the past, you can’t. It’s a part of you and there’s not much left you can do.
So for the past five days it’s been just me, with a little help from Alexandra and Erin along the way. Through it all my days have been relatively normal, for me at least. I continued on with my classes that dragged on and on all day long, went out to eat with Alexandra, did course work, slept, went to the doctor’s, and surprisingly brought Alexandra to Erin’s house for dinner.
That was a fun time. Alexandra got on well with Erin and Clark. Alexandra and Clark seemed to have had found out that they had the sense of the same humor and kept joking around. They found great joy in sharing different American jokes that they’ve both equally had the fun of teasing me with.
But other than that, I’ve been the same. Occasionally dodging the animalistic stares I’ve been getting from my classmates and random walkers on campus. Nasty, jealousy, and admiration looks have all been casted my way due to him. I am now connected to him for as long as I may live.
Please note my sarcasm.
This isn’t how I planned to go about my schooling in London. Not one chance did I think I would find people, let alone a male, become so twisted up in me that it would affect me in this way. This was the number one reason why I refused to get close to any boy.
But seeing as that failed, I have to accept it and try to move on. And moving on…Ha. Next joke please. In my time apart from him, I realized that I have a lot more extra time than I thought. I then thought back to my time with him. If I wasn’t in my dorm doing homework or going to my lectures, I was with him in some way, shape or form. Either I would physically be with him, texting him, or talking on the phone with him.
But that hasn’t happened in a while. And you know what they say, old habits die hard.
Alex had been sensing something was off with me since I came back from Louis’ flat that night. I ended up staying the night with him, not being able to leave his side just in case something happened to him. I left in the early hours of the morning with Louis’ flat as quiet as a library and as messy as a dump.
Alex was asleep when I returned, which I couldn’t be more thankful for. But ever since that morning when she found me lying halfway off the couch she’s had her suspicions. At first, she would just give me a cautious look. But now she’s been more upfront and vocal about me talking about my problems.
“You know nothing good will come out of you keeping it all bottled up.”
“I know."
“I’m here for you. You know that, don’t you?”
“Yes.”
“He’ll come around. I know it.”
“Sure.”
“He’s just Harr…”
“Please just leave me alone.”
That is how most of my conversations with Alex have been for the past five days when she would try and bring him into the topic. It’s a very taboo topic in the Baker-Thompson dorm. Boys were a very taboo topic in the Baker-Thompson dorm if we’re going into specifics.
“And you happened to not tell me this because…” Alex had her hand promptly on her hip.
I shrugged my shoulders and turned the page in my book. “Didn’t think much of it.” With my free time, I have had a lot more time to read. I’m enjoying it very much actually.
“His life was finished before it had a chance to begin.” Is a sentence in my handy dandy book that spoke to me on different levels, “Johnny knew he was doomed and accepted it. Katie wouldn’t accept it.”
Those two sentences were true. Hopefully the first one was partially true on some level with him. Instead of talking about his life, I could talk about our life. With being with him for the past couple months; I gave up some of my privacy. Girls of all ages were recognizing me and following me wherever I went. I gave it up. And before we even had the chance to begin something more, it was all over.
Hopefully Harr…He, felt like something was taken away from him too. Not in a way that a cynical mind might think, but rather an emotional person. Did he feel like we were getting somewhere and now we’re nowhere. We’re not even at square one; we’re past it and in the middle of nowhere. I don’t know where we stand, everything was left a mess.
Alex rolled her eyes at my carelessness, “How could you happen to not think much of it Maddy?!”
I continued to flip through my pages and think of the last sentence. Johnny was doomed. Was he really doomed? Or was it just a lie Francie made up so they wouldn’t have to handle the truth?
I used to think that way. I used to think that I was doomed because of the cancer. I thought I was done for, that there was nothing that could help me. But like the book, I had my own Katie who wouldn’t accept it. Who wouldn’t accept the defeat when it came easily to them.
Harry.
It wasn’t the first time that my thoughts drifted back to him. In fact, all of my thoughts seemed to drift back to him. Every morning I would check my phone in hopes of seeing a message typed from him, or a missed call would’ve brightened my spirits in these past five days. But neither of those came my way.
When I told Harry about the cancer, I didn’t expect that reaction. Yes, I expected him to be upset with me, rightfully so, but not to the extent on how he displayed his feelings. I wasn’t going to lie to myself and say that I wasn’t scared. What good would that do me? Nothing.
To take my thoughts off his anger I would blame it on a different emotion. Denial. That was my first theory. He didn’t believe it when I first told him. I remember him saying that there must be a mistake, that this wasn’t real life. He couldn’t handle the truth so he denied it. He denied it to cover up his other emotions.
Instead of anger that he showed, I believed that he was masking up sadness. That wasn’t the Harry that I knew for as long as I’ve been in London. That was a completely different person. He was very good at covering up his feelings; I’ll give him that, because for a brief amount of time I was able to see the true feelings behind his anger. Those feelings were of sadness.
“How could you possibly not tell me that Johnny has been trying to chat you up again?!” Alex snatched the book out of my hands.
“Hey! I was reading that!” I leaned up on the couch and tried to retrieve my book from out of her hands.
Alex did not look impressed with my childish actions and she held the book up higher over my head, “Nah uh. You tell me now.”
“It doesn’t matter.” I settled back into the couch but this time without my book.
“And when did he start talking to you?” Alex questioned.
“About a week ago.” There was no point in lying to her, she already knew and she happened to be my best friend.
“Were you still seeing Harry at the time?” Alex crossed her arms over her chest while she kept my book in her hold.
“Yes.”
“Did you tell Harry?”
I was beginning to think that she was just saying his name to get some sort of reaction out of me.
“No,” I broke eye contact with her, “And can you not say his name?”
“Oh Maddy, that’s ridiculous. How can I talk about him if I can’t say his name?” Alex looked amused.
I rolled my eyes, “Well Alex, you can insert a pronoun for his name and it would make the sentence just as lovely.” I sickly smiled at her before dropping it into a frown and pushing myself up from the couch to leave.
“How come you didn’t tell him?” I heard Alex’s voice behind me.
“Didn’t think he would like to hear it.” I opened the refrigerator and pulled out a water bottle.
I turned around and saw Alex leaning against the breakfast bar slightly shaking her head, “Good news or not, you should have told him.”
I uncapped my water, “Doesn’t matter now, does it?” And took a swing of water before placing it down on the counter, “Besides, it’s not like I’m gonna go running into Johnny’s arms.”
“Madison,” Alex gave me a look saying that I shouldn’t even be joking about that, “I think you should still tell him.”
I rolled my eyes, “Yeah right.”
“I’m serious.” She placed her hands on the counter.
“Like I’m serious in changing my English major to a math major.”
“Madison!”
“Sorry, sorry.” I apologized to my friend. I sighed when I realized that she was waiting for me to say something more, “I’m not going to tell him. I can’t go five days without talking to him and just say that Johnny’s started talking to me! Especially since the last time I saw him sober was when I told him.”
Alex nodded, “I know. Maybe wait until he gets back from tour?”
“How about no.”
“When does the tour start back up?” Alex gave me a pointed look.
“Three days.” I said without skipping a beat.
“How long is it?”
“About two weeks in length.” I recited it like I was repeating my addition facts.
Alex smirked, “Who would’ve known?”
I rolled my eyes in a playful manner; “I’m not discussing this with you anymore.”
I was walking out of the kitchen with my water in hand but Alex grabbed my forearm and turned me around, “Has he, Johnny, you know…Has he been like…”
I saw the worry in her eyes and softened up my tone from what it was earlier, “No. And I won’t ever let it happen again.”
She was talking about the time Johnny was not so nice to me that time I was getting picked up by Harry. Which happened to be the last time I saw him. But then he showed up back in my life about a week ago.
“Do you remember what you promised after that happened?” Alex offered a light smile.
I scrunched up my eyebrows, “No?”
“You said you’d call him.” Alex smiled.
“Call who?”
“Harry. You promised him that you would call him right after anything else happened between you and Johnny.” Alex gave me one last smile before she walked out of the kitchen and left me in my thoughts.
I was left to think how she knew that promise. The only person who knew that promise was Harry and I.
••• ••• •••
“Is she still not talking to you?” Alex whispered into my ear as we walked down a pathway to get to the main lecture hall.
“Nope.” I shook my head but couldn’t help but smile a little to myself.
“I don’t see why she’s upset. I mean, she was the one that made fun of you.” Alex whispered.
I shrugged my shoulders, “Doesn’t really matter now.”
“But she––”
I slapped Alex’s shoulder, “Would you shut up?! She’s just a couple steps ahead of us!”
You could say that Alex was a little upset about how our friend, Abby, has been ignoring me ever since Harry and I went out on our first public date. But little does she know that we aren’t on speaking terms at the moment. I’ve tried talking to her, I’ve really made an effort to reconnect with her, but she won’t have any of it. She’s been too busy ignoring me and not giving me a valid reason why.
But if she were not willing to accept my efforts in trying to be a friend to her, I wouldn’t bother anymore. Alex keeps trying to tell me that she’s jealous because apparently I get to “snog Harry Styles on a daily basis”. Which let me tell you, has not happened on a daily basis.
“Just let it go.” I brushed against her shoulder with mine as she let out a yelp.
Her yelp caused Abby to turn around and send a nasty glare towards my way and a friendly smile over towards Alex. Once Abby’s head was facing forward I turned to Alex and gave her a questioning look.
“Dunno.” She shrugged her shoulders.
I let Abby’s moody image roll off my back a lot easier than Alex did. She would still send the occasional glare to the back of Abby’s head when she thought I wasn’t looking. By the seventh glare, I whacked her in the back of the head and told her to knock it off.
We walked in silence for a couple more moments until Alex started to talk again, “So…Have you tried?”
“Tried what?” I pulled my tan cardigan over my shoulders closer together as a breeze swept through campus.
“To call him.”
Any conversation related to Harry was to be awaited until we got to the presence of our dorm. So that way there would be no sneaky people who thought they were smart and could get away with eavesdropping.
I shook my head, “Can’t we wait until we get back to the dorms to talk about this?”
Alex looked to her left and then to her right, “There’s no one really around us who can hear you talk. It’s safe.”
“But––”
“Have you called him yet?” Alex interrupted me and repeated her question.
I sighed, “No.”
“How come––”
I let out a bitter laugh, “Do you really think that he would be willing to hear from me after what happened.” It didn’t come out as a question because I knew for a fact that it was a statement. He would in no way want to hear from me.
“You don’t know that for sure.” Alex hummed.
I stopped in the middle of the path; “He’s a week into his tour over in the Pacific’s. So what’s that? A good week and a half since we’ve spoken? Yeah, that seems about right.” I glared at her.
“Have you ever thought that he might feel the same way but just reversed?” Alex kept her cool.
“What do you mean?” In that moment a big gust of wind came through and I had to hold down my already tangled hair that was blowing in the wind.
Alex took her time to think and phrase her words carefully, “Like, how he could be thinking that you want nothing to do with him. He might think that you’re mad about him blowing up at you.”
I shook my head in denial, “No. That couldn’t be the case. What I did was so much worse.”
“You did say he threw a book at you.”
“Alexandra!” I widened my eyes; “He did not aim that book at my head. His anger got the best of him and he threw a book.”
“Which just so happened to land right next to your head.” Alex smirked.
“No! He didn’t mean it––”
Alex’s smirked wider, “Let me get this straight: You told him the secret, he threw a book at you, you two haven’t spoken in almost two weeks, and you’re defending him when he threw a book at you?”
“What? He didn’t––”
“Huh. Sounds a bit like you’re defending him Mads.” Alex started up walking again.
I stood there in the middle of the path in shock. Was I defending him? No, of course not. Like I said, his anger got the best of him. He didn’t mean for the book to land there. He couldn’t have. It was based off of a misjudge of distance and a really bad aim. No, I wasn’t defending him.
I jogged up to meet Alex’s pace, “You can think what you want.”
“Oh I will.” Alex giggled. I shoved her lightly, which caused her to laugh even louder. With her laugh, I laughed along with her. We kept shoving each other until we got to the steps of our dorm building.
We kept joking around until we saw Johnny leaning up against the railing to the front doors. Alex gave me an annoyed look and I shrugged. There wasn’t really much I could do. He did go to school here too.
“You need to tell him to get lost.” Alex muttered under her breath as we walked up to the steps together. Our plan was to ignore him and hope for the best. But when do my plans ever go accordingly?
As we approached Johnny I saw his present smirk grow in size as he saw that we were trying to ignore him. He even knew that we saw him.
He leaned up from the railing and took two steps forward, “Ladies,” His smirk changed into a smile when he greeted Alex. But went back into a smirk when he looked at me.
And he didn’t just look at me. He looked at me. Eyes trailing all around like he was an American running their mouth about the government and then saying, I can say whatever I want to because it’s a free country. America is a free country; but Johnny’s eyes were not free to roam on anything from America.
“I was never one for jean capris Madison. But, damn do they look nice on you.” Johnny tried to compliment me.
“It’s nice to know that chivalry isn’t dead.” Alex snorted as we kept walking straight to the door. I held back a giggle and kept my head down with my hair shielding my face.
“No hello from you Maddy?” Johnny walked next to us.
“Girls dorm. No guys allowed.” Alex snapped at him as she went to reach for the door handle.
“What, are we in primary school?” Johnny smirked.
Alex closed her eyes and refrained from saying anything back to him. To the ears of Johnny it was inaudible, but I heard it loud in clear to what Alex muttered; “Some of us are.”
“Come on, let’s go Maddy.” Alex grabbed my hand and tried to pull me along. But what stopped me from following her was another hand that grabbed my hand. I froze up and looked peeked up at Alex.
“You’ve got five seconds to let go of her.” Alex demanded.
Johnny ignored her order and moved his other hand to move my hair out of my face, “Why hide your beautiful face from me? I haven’t seen you yet.”
It felt as though my body shut down and that I was placed in a freezer fridge. I couldn’t move. No matter how badly I wanted to get out of this situation, my body was incoherent. He tucked the stray pieces of hair behind my ear and then trailed his hand down my cheek.
“No need to hide from me. I wouldn’t hide you away from the world.”
It wouldn’t take a genius to know that he was talking about Harry. Just hearing Johnny indirect him made my blood boil. But before I could say anything, Alex yanked me towards her and placed herself between Johnny and I.
“Don’t ever touch her again.” Alex defended me.
“Is your daddy gonna pay someone to carry out your threats?” Johnny shoved his hands in his front pockets.
It was my turn to hold Alex’s hand and bring her back, “He’s not worth it. Come on, I wanna get something to eat.”
Alex huffed in response and let me lead her inside. We walked up the stairs and made our way safely into our dorm. We both kicked our shoes off and dumped our bags next to the door.
“I swear if he goes near you one more time––”
“I can handle him.” I told her as I pulled left over pizza from the fridge.
Alex froze in her place and looked bewildered, “You can––You can handle him?! No you can’t!”
“Alex!” I was slightly offended by her accusation.
“What?” She huffed, “It’s true! Did you not see the way he practically physically assaulted you?! He was all over you! And you expect me to believe that you can handle him on your own?”
I stood my ground, “Nothing bad happened today. If anything does happen, I’ll tell you.”
Alex shook her head, “No. No, no. If anything happens you’re telling him. You’re sticking to your promise and calling Harry straight away.”
“He’ll most likely be busy.” I protested.
She shook her head once more and laughed sarcastically, “He could never be too busy for you! Are you blind?! He would still fly all the way across the world if anything happened to you. He’s rearranged his whole schedule just for you! He adores you! How can you not see that after months of being with him?”
“I don’t––”
“So if anything happens; tell him first and then me.” Alex said as she promptly left the room and stormed off into our bedroom.
I huffed in frustration and took a bite of my pizza.
Nothing more will happen with Johnny. And if it does, I can hold my ground. I can do it. I just need to have the confidence and support my actions. But my thoughts kept going back to Alex’s rant about Harry.
How does she know that he would never be too busy for me? Hello, international pop star in a drop dead gorgeous boy band has a schedule to maintain. And she made the part about him flying halfway across the world if anything happened to me up. He wouldn’t do that; He couldn’t.
I sat in frustration and ate my pizza in silence.
–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
So I'm trying to reintroduce some of the old characters that were in this before (Abby, Johnny, Scarlett…) So bare with me on those parts!! But seriously, tell me what you think!! And if you want to see anything else, just comment below (!), tweet me (@takemehome053), or message me on tumblr (takemehome053.tumblr.com).
Wooo double update!!
Thanks a million to everyone who has been reading this story!! !