Kendra
June 19th, 1989.
Two days pass, the same report kept playing over and over in my head.
Three Strikes Out.
"Good evening, everyone, I'm Mary Hart."
"And I'm John Tesh. It seems that Kendra Atkins is making headlines again, but not for the reasons you think," He turns towards another camera, the angle changing. A juxtaposed picture of me, Jackie, Tatiana, and...Diana Ross?
"Reports are coming out of the scandalous relationship that Jackie Jackson was having with her, along with rumors from Tatiana Thumbtzen, a model who once worked with Kendra's current beau. There also seems to be some words shared with the media from Diana Ross, a longtime friend of Michael Jackson."
"Through previous reports, it was already known that Jackie was seeing Miss Atkins while still married to Enid Spann. But it was also revealed through recently uncovered court documents that Jackie continued to see Atkins while going through divorce proceedings! If that wasn't surprising enough, it was rumored last night that the both were seen out together and were rather close to one another." A picture of the both of us appears onscreen, but I don't ever recall going anywhere with Jackie recently. It looked highly edited to me.
"Meanwhile, model Tatiana Thumbtzen claims that she had priceless items stolen from her possession, and names Atkins as one of the main suspects. 'I think she's just trying to rob me of the special moment I shared with Michael,' is what she told reporters when asked about the theft. She has not named what the items were since police are investigating the matter." Great, called a homewrecker and thief in one report, what else could be said?
"Diana Ross, one of Michael's high-profile friends also seemed to share words on the model. 'I think it's such a shame...she seems like a sweet girl but she sets a bad example for young girls. We are role models to young girls on how things should be, the way she leads her life is not one to follow.'"
And a bad role model too. Fantastic.
Hopefully Sean could consider investigating this robbery for me as well.
I didn't quite know how to react. What did I ever do to Diana Ross? When did I spend time with Jackie? When did I steal anything from Tatiana? One answer...I didn't. Speaking with my publicist and manager about this proved my best option, there was a double-standard in terms of media response.
For a male celebrity, they could ignore scandals if they wanted until a new project came about. But for female celebrities, you had to respond as quick as possible or they'd immediately put you down as guilty or worse. So, basically, career suicide.
Luckily, I paid my publicist Jennifer to get mad at things like this. Jennifer's office was smack dab in the hub of the city so as anyone could imagine, paparazzi hang around like vultures just waiting for fresh meat. I was the fresh meat, unfortunately.
As soon as I stepped out the car, flashes were going off a mile a minute. Along with the questions about Michael and I's relationship, among other things. Like any logical person, I ignored them and shielded my eyes from the blinding flashes. I look up for one moment, glancing at the tall, foreboding skyscraper. It was one of the many that lined the street but this one looked more gut-wrenching than all the others.
I let out a sigh of relief as I head through the revolving doors, into the beautiful atrium-style lobby. This was the one place they can't follow me, thankfully. For a moment, I looked on with envy at the people who zoomed past me, their faces free of care or worry. Chances are they aren't being slandered in the tabloids right now.
I cling tighter to my purse, hoping it would relieve me of the stress that was building up. After a silent elevator ride, I walked out into a pristine-looking reception area done in a calming blue color scheme. I rarely made office visits so this was my first time being here in a while.
I head towards the crazy-haired receptionist, who chews on her gum like a cow chewing on a piece of grass. The phones are ringing nonstop. I'm almost sure all the lines are blocked up right now.
She doesn't even look in my direction before pointing down the hall, "You can go right in."
"Last office on the left. Jennifer's waiting for ya." I'm guessing she saw the news report too. I nod my head at her instructions, padding down the soft velveted carpet hallway. Soft music plays from behind the door to Jennifer's office, her stern voice coming through as well. I knock politely, hearing a faint "Come in!" before cautiously sticking my head inside the room.
As if on cue, the radio plays 'Controversy' by Prince. I'm not sure whether to laugh or roll my eyes. How fitting.
"No!" Jennifer yells into the receiver. "For goodness sake, Kendra does not have a comment on that situation and there are no problems in her relationship."
Maybe if Jennifer didn't see me, I could slip out and run. But, it was too late to turn back once Jennifer looks up from the stacks of paper atop her desk. I'm surprised she even saw me, with all the piles of magazines and articles on her desk, I barely saw her.
Jennifer was always dressed to the nines in a finely pressed blazer with matching pants. And her accessories always stood out like her Cartier watch and a beautiful diamond necklace (a gift from her husband), but today was a different story. Her suit was all kinds of wrinkled, her hair looked like a hornet's nest, and her makeup barely hid the fact that she hadn't slept all night.
She doesn't hesitate to hang up the phone on whoever was on the other line.
"Well, well, well. Speak of the devil," she said. "Just who I wanted to see."
I sit down opposite her in front of the desk. I hope this wasn't a mistake.
"I want to start off by saying I'm sorry about all thi-"
"Do you know what kind of day I've had? Any idea?" Jennifer demanded, in a tone that kind of sounded like she was going to answer this question herself. "Do you?"
"Well...um, actually, uhh...." I began, flustered already.
"On an average day, I get a hundred phone calls-a hundred and five, tops," she responds, gesturing to the heavens. "But, today, I've gotten one hundred and ninety-five phone calls, all for you, Kendra, and it's only two in the afternoon!"
On cue, her phone begins ringing again, and all the lines light up at once. She lets out a deep breath and pressed her fingers against her temple, probably trying to stop the headache that was coming on. She calls out for someone to answer the phone as we continue our discussion.
"A hundred and ninety-five? Who from?"
"Us Weekly, Star, publications all the way in London, Paris, Tokyo," she rattles off a few more, gesturing to nothing. "All of this is furthering the notion that you're a homewrecker, among other things."
"A thief and a bad role model?" I add, receiving a nod from her in response.
"They want to know how you could fall so far down the hole you've created for yourself."
I roll my eyes, "That photo of me and Jackie was doctored. Tatiana needs help, and Diana has no business telling anyone I'm a bad role model, considering the bullshit she's done."
We start going over suggestions of how to broach this delicate situation, each of us trying to figure out the best course of action without damaging any more of my reputation. The door bursts open, interrupting us both.
Jennifer's assistant trudges into the office, without even doing the common courtesy of knocking first. Her sheepish expression was no apology for her rudeness. "That director called again for Kendra. About that movie?" she announced, placing the slip on her desk. "Don't worry, I got rid of him."
There was a long silence. But I won't lie, my interest peaked at the words 'director' and 'movie'. I always wanted to branch out beyond modeling, there was more to a person than just looks and I really wanted to showcase that. Producing and movies were two things on my list.
"Emilie?" Jennifer said sweetly. "This is Kendra Atkins."
Emilie goes pale as she stared in my direction, I give her a closed mouth smile in response. "Oh," she said. "Hi. Sorry." Don't say sorry now, bitch. You already insulted me enough by interrupting us.
"You can go now," Jennifer commands.
Without another word, Emilie scurries out. Jennifer attempts an apologetic smile, "I was going to tell you about that."
"Some director saw you on in an old ad from Tiger Beat. He said you had just the look he was searching for," she explains, hooking air quotes around the words.
"Did he send a script?" I asked. Was there a better time than now to start branching out?
"Kendra, I think you should think about making yourself scarce in terms of work for now until this circus dies down. It's for the best," Jennifer tosses the slip of paper into the trashcan and it misses horribly. Before she can even say anything else, the phone starts ringing again.
While Jennifer is distracted, I notice the slip of paper has fallen at my feet. This thing was just begging to be picked up. If I couldn't fix this circus as easy as I wanted, I could still do something to take my mind off it, right? In one seamless motion, I lean down and quietly snatch the paper, stuffing it into my pocket. I jump to my feet, deciding this was the best time to make a swift exit.
I wave to Jennifer, who hadn't even noticed I got up. She gets deep into a rant on the phone, so I book it for the elevators without another word to anyone.
This one slip of paper has the wheels in my head turning at full speed. And I know exactly what to do.
----
Heading back to Neverland, I find it as quiet as ever.
Michael was nowhere to be seen, after the interruption of our conversation, he immediately immersed himself in writing and recording for his next album.
Meanwhile, Jermaine and Joseph frequented the studio with Michael. I had an idea of why but I wasn't so sure and let it be.
I was fighting to even have Michael listen to me. Which was something I never experienced before with him. Every time I wanted to talk about recent events, one of his staff would pull him away for something 'important'. But not today, I head straight to where he is. And as usual, I'm correct. He seems to be completely in the zone and I hated to take him out of his element but it had to be done.
I tap him on his shoulder, "Michael?"
"Yes?" He turned to me, hesitant but politely.
"Can we please talk?" I begged, almost getting down on my knees to emphasize how desperately I needed this conversation to occur. Michael lets out a sigh in response, scratching at the bridge of his nose before standing up. He leads the way into our shared bedroom, sitting me down at the edge of the bed.
Michael manifests my previous thoughts as he gets on his knees to meet my eye level as I sat down. He reaches his hands out for mine, gently clasping them in his own. A clear frown was already set on his usually smiling face.
Michael lets out a deep breath, "Kendra, my love." I give a faint closed mouth smile at his words before he continues. "Please listen. Okay? Just listen and understand."
He raises my wrists up to his mouth as he lays a chaste kiss against them both.
"What's going on?" I questioned, my breaths coming out shakier by the second. He just nodded and swallowed hard.
"I truly care for you," he spoke, his words promising, "More than I ever thought I could and because of that I don't ever want to hurt you or upset you in any way, shape, or form."
His words were like anchors in my heart, weighing it down and dragging it down to the bottom of my feet. His voice had taken on another form, more anxious and upsetting with every word and his gaze tender upon me. But it didn't calm or soothe me the way it should've...it scared me. What could he possibly say?
"I've been...lying. To myself. And you," he muttered. Everything had stopped in my mind, I could only stay silent to hear what he had to say next.
"Kendra, please, know that it's not your fault," he continued, his hands slipping from my grasp. "There was a misconception going on within myself, one I should've fixed the moment it manifested in my mind but I'm so sorry that I didn't."
I scrunch my eyebrows in confusion, "What?"
"You remember the night I didn't come home?"
I quietly nod, the memory still fresh in my mind. My eyes find his and I brace myself for the words he was going to say.
"I was with Diana."
Those four simple words were like a blow I couldn't recover from. I should've known.
"This thought came about in January, and like I said I should've fixed myself the moment I thought it but I didn't. Quietly, for some time, it's been growing and consuming my mind."
"I realized that maybe if I pushed Diana out of my orbit and my mind, it wouldn't hurt so much. For some time, it worked...it really did. Only recently, Diana and I had become cordial once again but I couldn't let myself fall into her charms again. That's when I met you, and I truly did fall in love with you. For all this time, she hadn't even been on my mind until January and at your sister's wedding."
"I was truly fooling myself, fooling myself into getting over her but I'm not. Diana was my first choice, and I think she still might be..."
The words froze against my skin like a Fall wind. The pain pricking against my skin like ice. I couldn't even stop the tears leaking from my eyes and I wasn't going to. I hated showing such an ugly amount of emotions like this.
"So, what? Was I just some toy until Diana came back and decided she wanted you?" My usually sweet voice became tense, hoarse with the sobs that came from my throat.
"No! Kendra, I love you so much!" He clung onto my legs, holding onto them as if that would keep me here.
Given the expression Michael wore, he was unsure of what to say next. Tears sprung to his eyes as well but they seemed like crocodile tears to me. All this time, I genuinely believed he felt the same way I felt for him. The things we did together were just distractions from Michael's wandering heart?
My mind goes back to the first time Michael ever told me he loved me with a genuine smile and a passionate kiss. It also went to what Colette said about pushback, but the way Michael said these things and his determination, there was no way time could alter that.
I wasn't his first choice. And I'm not sure if I ever would be, that was all in Michael's hands now.
The tears dried on their own as I stepped out of Michael's grasp. I felt like a completely different person, so restrained compared to my chipper, loving self. Michael said nothing, and did nothing. I silently separated myself from the ring that I once loved to look at, placing it beside Michael as he sat on the floor.
In this moment, one of my greatest joys became one of my greatest sorrows.