Lana Elwood
I heard the door open and close when Alex came back, disturbing my light sleep. Before I opened my eyes, I listened; heard his agonizing sigh and defeated, shuffling feet across the tile. Heard the creaking of a barstool as he sat down. Slowly, I cracked open my eyes. Faint sunlight was streaming through the sliding glass doors, and Alex was hunched over the counter. I stretched, feeling something fuzzy brush against my cheek as the sheets shift. The blanket I placed over Alex has been replaced over me.
Alex hears my stirring and turns, his ash-blonde hair sticking out all over the place, his eyes droopy and drained. "Did I wake you?" he asks, voice dry and needing a high dose of water.
"Yes," I tell him. "But it's fine. I needed to be awake, anyways. Where were did you go?"
He grimaces. His nervous tick kicks in and he wrings his hands together, studying the floor. "Alex," I command. "What do you have to tell me?"
"I met up with Xavier. He was interested on the events of the bunker coming from our side, but I didn't tell him much. There wasn't much to tell." Alex continues to gnaw on the side of his cheek, hands still overlapping each other.
"What aren't you telling me?" I calmly inquire, slipping out of bed and padding across the floor. I try to work the outdated coffee pot, filling it with water and filling the filter with coffee grains. Meticulously, Alex watches my movement.
"I'll wait for the coffee," he mumbles, burying his chin in his hand.
Crossing my arms, I prop myself against a counter and stare him in the eye until he meets mine. "You'll wait for nothing," I grouch. "What is it you're withholding? It isn't your job to baby me."
Alex snorts, throwing his hands in the air. "Oh, but it's your job to baby me?" he cries. "It seems like a bit of a double standard, Lana."
I grimace, still unused to my birthname being spoken, as well as unused to being categorized as anything besides the murderous drone I know I am. It's like if someone calls me by my name, I'm still just a girl; defenseless, weak, ignorant. Honest, Alex told me. "I haven't lied to you since last time."
"And I've never lied," he points out.
The coffeepot sputters, the hot black beverage pouring into the glass. I watch it for a while, pondering over something Alex told me a while ago. "When I almost killed myself in this kitchen...you stopped me. You said you had your own reasons for doing so. Will you tell me now, what they are?"
Alex sizes me up, as he always does before he tells me information or stories that are sensitive. He searches for something in me whenever he does so, and every time, he finds it. It makes me question what it is he sees in me. "Whenever I switched identities, I did unspeakable things, yet I would have no recollection of my actions. I'd only be present for the consequences. I never wanted to do any of that, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. Eventually, I got sick of hurting people. I thought the only way I could stop it was to stop my own life."
Once coffee is finished, I pour it into two mugs, which probably used to be the homes of cockroaches. We don't have sugar or creamer, so black is going to have to do. I place the cup in front of him, and when Alex peers down in it, he wrinkles his nose, but sips it anyways. "You tried to kill yourself before?"
He nods, running a hand through his disheveled hair. "A few times." I try to imagine willingly wanting to die, multiple times, all for the love of others. My trained reaction is to curl my lips downwards in disgust and scoff at him for being so weak. But my raw, true response is rather touched, and sad that someone as bright as Alex was ever in a place as dark as suicide. "But every time, my attempts failed because I turned. While I might've wanted to die, the other identities didn't."
I sip my coffee, which tastes like total crap. "You're..." Interesting? Crazy? Selfless? Unique? "...special."
"Special..." he echoes. "I wish that was how my mom saw things."
"I can't imagine wanting to end my life to save another," I quietly admit, dumping the disgusting coffee down the sink. I eye Alex's nastiness. "You don't have to drink that."
He shrugs. "It's not too bad."
"Are you just saying that because I made it?" I suspect, leering at him.
Softly, he chuckles. "Maybe."
"So, that's a great backstory and everything, but that doesn't explain why you stopped me. I haven't exactly been a great person to you," I point out, washing my cup and acting like I care about cleanliness to distract me from the deepness of the conversation.
"No kidding," Alex sasses. "But I just didn't want someone else taking my path when there's always a better one. Even if that particular person hates my guts."
"I see." Nodding I open the fridge and paw through its shabby contents to find an actual drink that doesn't make me want to fry my taste buds off.
"Last night, you said you would tell me someday why you were trying to hide what I did. Is that someday going to be today?" he pries, totally taking advantage of the touchy situation.
"Because you're special," is all I tell him. I'm not going to explain what I mean by it, especially because I hardly know what I mean, myself. Sure, there's a certain innocence in him that is so foreign to me, but innocence is innocence, and I typically scour the world to snuff it out. So, why am I trying to keep it safe? What makes him different? "Now, are you going to finally confess the information you've been keeping from me all morning?"
"I tried to talk Xavier into helping us fight the dojo pentaplex," Alex confesses. "He didn't want to, so I tried to back him into a corner, and that seemed to make things worse -"
"Naturally," I growl, settling on pulpy orange juice to pour into a glass.
Alex rolls his green eyes and continues the story, but not before grumbling, "Joke while you can, Lana. It seems our little information broker has a mutual contact of ours. I'll give you a hint: it's Agent Elwood."
I nearly choke. "This news is worse than the coffee," I bite. "How the hell does he know Elwood?" I slam my cup so hard on the counter that it shatters and my hand comes down on the shards. "Dammit," I hiss, running my hand under the sink until the black bleeding stops. I try to tell myself the water running over my hand only makes it look like it's shaking, but deep down, I know that's far from the truth.
"I don't like it either, but you have to take care of yourself," Alex insists, going into the bathroom and coming out with a hand towel.
Practically growling, I glare at Alex and rip the towel out of his hands so fast, I'm surprised his skin isn't flaying off his skin and falling to the floor in ribbons. "What exactly did he say?"
"He knew Elwood visited me-"
"He tortured you, Alex," I rephrase, not one for sugarcoating things.
"Right. Anyways, he said my name, and I never remembered telling it to him. So, when I asked how he knew it, Xavier said something like, 'You didn't think you were the only one I've been keeping in contact with, did you?' and 'I know from an old friends of yours,' or something like that."
I pinch the bridge of my nose, trying not to totally lose my head at the lack of knowledge on this very important conversation. Part of me doubts Alex's honesty, and wonders if he's teaming up with the others to take me down, and is only trying to get in my head. Kill him just to make sure, a voice in the back of my head pesters. Let's not take any chances.
Sighing, I use all my mental force to push it away. I'm not killing Alex. "So, you mean to tell me that one of our greatest enemies is in contact with a shady ally, who made it sound like he suddenly wasn't an ally. Correct?"
Hesitantly, Alex nods. "Yes, that is correct."
I clench my jaw so tightly that it might just snap. "That's just great..." I survey the sorry excuse for an inn, contemplating if we're really safe, all holed up in this complex. We're over the first floor, so Father Dearest wants to see me, he'll have to use a giant ladder or the stairs, so we'll see him coming. But the walls are thin, the curtains over the sliding glass doors is practically transparent, and the door is easy to knock down. "We need to leave this place."
"Japan? Or the apartment?"
"I'm not leaving Japan until I'm finished with my mission," I inform, stomping into the living room and tearing open the nightstand drawers, shoveling our clothes out.
"Your mission? Or the mission that Supernatural Detaining gave you?" Alex probes.
I know what he's talking about, and the prompt makes me stop momentarily. Craning my neck, I meet the eyes of Alex, who's true human self has never shed a drop of blood. Why do I feel such a desire to keep him that way? What purpose would that serve me? "SD's mission," I finally answer him. "My personal mission..." The one where I wanted Elektra on her knees, begging me for mercy to make up for not being frightened when we first met. "It means nothing to me anymore."
After meeting up with Elektra on the Tokyo Tower, it was evident that who I was two years ago and who I thought she was have both changed. Elektra feels nothing for life; no happiness and pleasure, or sadness or pain. She just conquers until she feels the slightest ounce of power and considers that a rush. Elektra didn't stare at me with a blank face in Russia because she didn't care about my power or ability, but because she didn't care if I used it against her. To her, I think I was another battle she wanted to win, but I don't think that if I killed her, she would have minded. Elektra had nothing to lose besides a gang of fear-loyal strangers. I wonder if that's changed since running away from Asylum. It sure looked like it when she charged the bunker to help Kya. That was the fire from her that I've always wanted to see.
Also since encountering her on that tower, I learned a few things about myself. I'm not quite the Reaper I used to be – the one that everybody treasured post Takumi's death and my mother's murder, but before teaming with a man with the capabilities of a god but the murder streak of a newborn. Before this mission, I also had nothing left to lose, and that was why I was so hellbent on defeating Elektra. Perhaps if I could kill the emptiness in her, it would prove that I could kill the emptiness in myself, too. But I've learned that life doesn't work that way all the time. Don't get me wrong, I still want to go after Elektra – it would be the ultimate battle – but with the purpose of filling Supernatural Detaining's orders. Not my own.
"Why do we need to move?" Alex asks as I continue to scour the room and bathroom for personal belongings. "Whether we move to Tokyo or Kyoto, it doesn't change the fact that Xavier knows Elwood, and that me might be coming down here tomorrow. Whether we stay here or not, we both know what kind of man your father is, and if he wants to find us, he'll hunt us down and get us."
I hate that he's right about that. No matter where we go, we'll be sitting ducks to a man like him. "So, what do we do? Just have a cup of tea from the kitchen and wait for his arrival?"
Alex snorts. "If it's from this room, hell no."
I narrow my eyes at him. Now isn't the time for jokes.
"Sorry," he sheepishly apologizes. "But I don't know what more we can do."
"We can get them first. We still have time!" I shout, springing to my feet and pouncing right in front of him. "They won't expect us so soon, we'll be at an advantage."
Gently, Alex puts his disformed hands on my shoulders and presses me down. I didn't even realize I was bouncing on my toes until now. "I hate Elwood as much as the next guy, which is you," he reminds me. "But the reason the Asylum breakouts won't expect us is because they know just the two of us can't take them alone."
I shake my head. "No, we were trying to preserve them last time. The bunker mission was to do everything we could to get information about the voice in my head, not to capture them and bring them in. Now, we can kill them. I'll do anything to keep Elwood away from me."
"Lana, I don't think going on an impromptu killing spree is going to fix this," Alex severely tells me. It's hard to believe he's as opposed to my father's arrival as I am, but I suppose it's because I have more to lose. My father coming here means stripping away my SD undefeated streak, as well as reprimanding me for my slow conduct. For Alex, as long as the Asylum rule breakers are dealt with, his duty to Asylum is fulfilled. Sure, he doesn't want to see the man who tortured him, but by seeing him, the only thing he's losing is his cool.
"How can you be so composed?" I snap. "Do you not remember everything he did to you?"
"No, Lana," he raises his voice, anger flaring in his eyes. "I suddenly forgot."
"Then why are you acting like this?"
Alex sighs and sits down on the chair, trying to get me to calm myself, too. "Because I've already accepted that we'll probably be seeing him. When I'm mad or upset, the worst thing for me to do is freak out. It only makes my condition worse."
Taking a deep breath, I sit on the floor amongst the piles of clothes I yanked out of the drawers. Fiddling with one of the sleeves to a shirt, I mumble a lousy, "Sorry," before packing it all away again. I might not be the Reaper I was anymore – I might just be a girl with a power, now – but I never ran away from a problem. I'm not starting now. "So, should we just...act like this isn't happening right now?"
"That doesn't sound like a great idea..." Alex grudgingly tells me. "But it's better than pacing a trail in our room."
That's when the phone rang; sharp and prudent. Demanding and undeniable. The ring is shrill and grating. The vibration against the counter is like a construction worker's drill. Before Alex or I looked at the caller ID, both of us knew who it was. "Toss it," I shakily tell him, holding out my hands.
Hesitantly, he does as told, throwing the small smartphone my way. I barely manage to catch it, his mere presence on the other line was enough to throw me off. Sucking in a breath, I answer the call. "Reaper here."
"I can't wait to see my lovely daughter," Elwood coos on the other line, gruff voice eerily light. "I'm about to board my flight. I decided that I've spent so much time away from you that I just can't bare being apart anymore." Jerkily, I swivel in the direction of Alex, locking eyes with him for...for what? Comfort? Reassurance? But he looks just as alarmed as I do.
I stomp next to Alex. I go to put my bastard father on speaker phone, but decide against it. I'm sure that just the sound of Elwood's voice will be enough to put him in tremors. I'm not doing that to Alex. Instead, I sit next to him and try to remain as calm as he is. "That wasn't part of the deal," I remind Elwood.
"Neither were attachments," Elwood prods. I keep my eyes on Alex, wondering if Elwood knows I've gone a bit soft on him, or soft for him. If so, how would he find out? "Was Takumi's lesson not enough-?"
Before he can finish his question, I jackknife up, barstool toppling to the ground and denting the weak wood. "Was Mother's lesson not enough for you, father? My life is mine alone. Mess with it or anyone else in it, and I'll return the favor without blinking an eye."
Alex's face registers shock, and I get the idea he knows the gist of our argument. To my dismay, Elwood chuckles, like he's about to put me in checkmate and there's nothing I can do about it. "Who else will you exact your revenge on? Your mother is dead. I have no other lovers. No other children. Who will you murder? Yourself, Reaper? You're far too full of-"
"If that's what it takes," I grit. Kill yourself. You were made of the shadows who consume souls, and while everyone fears you at night, you're nothing but myth and whispers in the day. You will leave nothing behind; a waste of space. Die, Reaper. Clenching my eyes shut, I force the voice away, although I do listen to it's too-true message.
"Well, if that's all it took, then I would've made this threat earlier," Elwood slams. "How should I deal with Alex Severo? Some way new and exciting? Or should I stick to what that demented boy is used to?"
"Fuck you."
I hang up and chuck my phone through the sliding glass doors. The cell easily outdistances the balcony, leaving a shattered window in its wake. Somewhere down below, there's a clatter as the phone hits the ground.
Alex clears his throat. "Well...that went..."
"It was a good father-daughter talk," I snide. "Great bonding time."
"What did he say?"
"He's catching a plane now," I inform. Regrettably, I look at him, which makes me want to melt. Alex seems to already know what else occurred on that call, and it seems he's willing to pay the price if it means staying near me. "He wants you dead."
"Why?"
"Because I like you," I blurt.
"I have Reaper's fancy?" Alex curiously inquires, perking up a brow. "I feel like I can do anything now."
"Does the gravity of the situation have no effect on you?" I antagonize, ignoring the breeze fluttering the curtains and tickling my skin. "Elwood is going to torture you to death if you don't get out of here. I'll help you disappear."
"He'll find me," Alex says, and when he says it, I know it's true. "My fate is sealed." He tips his coffee mug to the ceiling and finishes it off, gently placing it back on the counter.
"How can you be okay with that? You act like someone said they liked your outfit."
"Do you like my outfit, Lana?" Charmingly, he smiles. "It's hard to be upset when you just told me you liked me. Plus, I already came to a resolve the other night, before Xavier woke me up."
I pick the barstool back up and scoot right in front of Alex, hanging on to every word, eager to learn how he remains practical in the worst situations. The closer I get, the easier I feel his body temperature, which is warm compared to the frigid Japanese breeze. "Yeah? And what was that?"
"Don't sound so dubious," Alex pouts. Dreamily, he looks out the window, placing his cheek in his hand. An echo of a smile makes him look melancholy. "I had no idea what the purpose in my life was. Why was I here? Why did I go through the Therapist and Asylum and days of you ordering me around and calling me 'Dog Boy' to be here, in this moment? I decided I would never find out, but I'd live every moment to its fullest, regardless of what might happen next."
I snort. "That's reckless."
"I think it's rather romantic."
"Don't get all sentimental just because I don't find you totally unfathomable," I retort. When Alex releases a small, but strained laugh, I feel my spirits drop. Undoubtedly, Alex will die. Before or after we take down Asylum, I don't know. But if Elwood wants him gone, he'll find his way. No matter how much I want to protect and save the innocence in Alex, it's no use. Perhaps because I believe there's no innocence to save in myself, either. "Do you still not know why you're here? In this moment?"
Curiously, Alex peers down at me, eyes carefully scanning my face. "I was starting to believe I was here so I could fix you."
"Fix me?" I repeat.
"Help you remember that you're more than the Reaper; you're Lana, who still has a heart."
"Hearts are weaknesses, that's why everybody aims for them when they shoot," I quip.
"They do good things, too," Alex rejoinders with a careless shrug, an amused expression on his face as he watches me get worked up. "Like allow you to like me."
I roll my eyes. "I'm starting to regret that decision."
"Love is never a decision," Alex softly tells me. "The heart wants what it wants."
Suddenly, I feel weak under his fragile gaze. "Does it bother you as much as me that, within fourteen hours, you'll be on Elwood's kill list?"
"I'm bothered," he admits, which is more than I expected. "But if I get to spend my last moments with Lana, who lets me see her eyes tear up..." I blink away the haziness in my vision. "And not Reaper, who drives herself insane..." I unclench my palms, knowing that my anger with my father won't stop him from killing Alex. "Then it's worth it."
For a while, we sit on the stools, knees touching and faces six inches apart. Normally, I only get this close to a breathing body when I'm trying to make them into a corpse. When I do, I set emotions aside and deal with the problem at hand. But now, it seems that everything is overrun with all those suppressed emotions that I've bottled for years. I feel bold when I ask, but sound scared when I speak. "Do you really believe that every moment means something significant?" My hand seeks out Alex's, who grasps mine like it's about to break. I give him a tight squeeze, trying to drain everything I can from this moment, as well as keep him rooted here forever.
Reassuringly, he squeezes mine back just as tight. "Right down to the very millisecond."
Tentatively, I meet his gray-green eyes. Something in the way I looked at him must have gave away that my next words would have a double meaning. Already, he's leaning forwards, open to hearing whatever hidden message I have for him. "We only have fourteen hours before all hell breaks loose..." I slowly tell him as he nods. "Before we go to Asylum and before your potential...ending." I take a deep breath, hoping to God or whoever listens and reads all these thoughts, that he understands what I really want without making me say it. "I want to make every moment count with you, Alex."
For a split second, his caramel brows knit together in confusion. Then, his ears turn bright pink and his cheeks flush a light shade of red. Still, he's as calm as ever. "Are you sure that's what you want, Lana?"
He's not letting me back out; he's asking for permission. "Right down to the very millisecond."
The timid boy who obeyed Reaper's orders and never wanted to hurt a soul breaks out of his calm shell. There's no holding back or cautious ease when he draws me close and lands his lips on mine. He doesn't handle me like a psychotic killer, but like a girl who wants to be with him in his final moments in the most intimate way. I think it's rather romantic, Alex would say if he heard these thoughts. Of course, he'd only say that to Lana.
But as I tug at his shirt, signaling for him to take it off, and as I let my fingers roam his structured torso and carved chest, his brawny shoulders and toned back, I realize that's all I am. I'm just Lana Elwood, born into this world out of the miserable wound of death and violence. The Reaper was strong enough to stitch me up, and Takumi was enough to patch up the mark when it started to reopen. But now it's time for those stitches to disintegrate, and as Alex hefts me off the ground, my legs wrapping around him and our lips never leaving each other, I revert to what I am: a human girl, given the gift of temporary immortality, who used it to compensate for the gaping hole I crawled out of that was the lack of innocence and love in my life.
When Alex flops both of us onto the futon, undressing me with nimble and misshaped fingers, I take solace in meeting him, despite the inevitably cruel end he faces. Once both of us are in our purest forms – the way we were when we first entered the world – Alex's kisses begin to wander, leaving trails of fire and electricity from my neck down to my toes.
The breeze is chilly, forcing us closer together than we already were. His skin is soft where he isn't scarred, but wherever my fingers find the masses of abused tissue, I can't help but stifle a sob, knowing all he went through. And I can't help but marvel at what a pure soul he's grown into because of it. Rather than let the darkness consume him like I did, he reached towards the light, clinging to the hope that tomorrow will bring him better days.
"You did fix me," I manage to whisper between furious kisses and bedsheet rustling.
Alex pauses the friction, mildly panting and adopting a thin sheen of sweat, which makes his glisten like a Greek god. Carefully, he places his long-fingered hands on either side of my face. "No," he whispers, planting a kiss on my forehead. "I was stupid." His lips touch against my nose. "You were never broken. You just forgot who you were."
"Thank you for helping me remember," I croak, feeling an influx of emotions, wave after wave. This time, I let them consume me. It's been too long since I felt like a human being.
"Just promise me one thing," Alex begs, eyes filling up with tears. "When I'm gone, don't do what you did before today. Stay like this. You're strong and capable like Reaper, but having emotions isn't weakness. Don't hide this beautiful side of yourself, anymore."
I wrap my arms around his back, his warmth intoxicating. "I'm not letting you die, Alex."
Sadly, he smiles. "Let's not talk about my death," he puts aside. "But I asked you to promise me something, Lana."
"I promise," I tell him, feeling a weak smile form on my face. "I'm not going to hide behind the Reaper anymore."
Happy with my answer, he leans down and works his mouth against mine. Once we really start to get intimate, I hold him so forcefully I fear I might be the one to kill him instead of my father. But I remind myself that Alex is a lot stronger than he looks, and I hold on even tighter. I don't want to let him go. I can't let him go.
Alex is a shining light, who without guidance, raised himself on the road of righteousness. Without expecting anything in return, and while tolerating all the abuse thrown his way, he's tried to help everyone in his path. Even Reaper. He's made me see that life isn't about winning and standing over a victorious pile of dead bodies. It's about seeing the love in little things, and knowing that if we're kind enough, and gentle enough, that good things will come to us, even if we have to wait for them. It's about keeping an open heart and accepting the flaws in life's system, as well as the flaws within ourselves. Not only has Alex made me feel love again, but he's made me feel love for myself – the self that feels human desires every time Alex and I call each other's names. The self that cries when I think of his passing, even despite this ardent moment full of nothing but respect and affection.
Once we finish, we remain in a tangle of legs and arms, breaths coming out in hot huffs and clouding in each other's hair. Alex will whisper something like a small joke, or a poetic line about how life has its abrupt ends but that, if we learn to appreciate those ends, then they're timely enough. I'll teasingly nudge him, or agree with his wisdom, or whimper with the thought of his departure.
One thing will lead to another, and a tepid kiss turns into an arduous one, and the process of becoming innocent by losing our innocence repeats itself. I don't know how long we go on in this cycle, but it doesn't seem to be enough. I can't get enough of Alex's easy laugh, or his sleepy smile, or his droopy gray-green eyes, or his all-knowing proverbs of life in a mere 14 hours. It's not enough. We could have until the end of the world and it would never be enough.
Why him? I want to ask whoever decided that our fates would be so devastatingly star-crossed. Why give everyone in the choir a lit candle, then snuff out the brightest one?
Yet, Alex's only wish is to remain with me until his time is up. He's not okay with dying, but he won't fight the track that destiny put him on. There's so much I want to tell him. Thank you, I'm sorry, I love you. But there's no time. The only way I know he gets these unspoken messages are through our actions and the infinite bond now solidified between us. It will always be with me. Even after this life. Even after the next.
Perfect, is the only way I can describe Alex. He's perfect.
And I know that no matter what happens in the end, I'll do everything it takes to keep him alive. That's my personal mission, now. It's my life mission, now. I have to preserve something as impossibly perfect as Alex, because if I can't even do that, then I don't know how I can continue being his Lana.
Alex brought back me. He brought back Lana, and it will be Lana who saves him.
Perhaps if we do well against the Asylum criminals, then Elwood will spare Alex, and everything will be okay in the end. But if not...if we wrangle up the outlaws and Elwood still has the mindset to murder Alex, then we'll have to see what happens.
I'm not going down without a fight.
But if going down is what it takes to keep Alex alive, then that's what I will sacrifice.