Ren Walker
I collapse onto my bed, which isn't noisy enough. With all the heavy stress I'm shouldering, my flop should have more momentum and the creak of the mattress can't sound so small. I run my hands through my hair, trying to focus on the tug of the strands rather than the thoughts on my mind. Despite my exhaustion, I can't seem to fall asleep. I crawl under the bedsheets and undress, tugging the comforter over my shoulder. I close my eyes, wishing I could drown in the blackness behind my eyelids.
It's not so easy.
My head aches with war strategies, new information, anxiety eating away at all the what-ifs. I'm drowsy, and though my thoughts are a bit jumbled and scattered, I can still make them out. What if the Reaper comes back tonight to steal away another Sage? What if they burn down this house? What if next time they pluck an outlier, it isn't a Sage, but one of us? Kya. My worry for her is unexpected and unwanted. I turn over, trying to change positions and my train of thought.
My body aches from pent up rage. The Reaper prowled on one of my Sages – one of my people, who do nothing but watch out for us. She ripped out his eye, broke his ribs, extracted a tooth and his nails. And right out from beneath my feet, too. I should've kept out a sharper eye. Why didn't I? What was distracting me? Kya. Grunting, I roll over and onto my stomach, reaching for a pillow and squeezing the life out of it, as if draining my thoughts of her.
My heart aches at the recollection of today. From Kya being careless with some stranger and getting one of our Sages in critical condition, to the words I had to use against her, and how I had to act like she didn't exist. I'm the Dragon now. I don't have time for distractions and considering people's feelings when I have people to protect and people to attack. So, why does this hurt so much? It hurts, Kya said to me in the hallway. Groaning, I twist back onto my back.
I know why it's this way. It's not that I'm upset at Kya for being careless, I'm upset that she was careless with someone else. I'm not bothered by the words I said, as I've said far worse before; it's her reaction to them that wretches my gut. As for pretending she was never born...I've ignored people more times than I can count, but never have they been people who've seen me for me. God, I still can't get her expression out of my head when she pulled me back in the hall; the quivering lip, the overflowing eyes, her trembling grasp on my arm, her shaky fingers as they caressed my tears away. Kya.
Even after I used her most vulnerable parts against her, she still reached up to make me feel better. Which, of course, only makes me feel worse. Kya.
I went too far when I freaked out on her, and it makes me feel like a supreme asshole with how bad I hurt her. It was like every time a tear fell from her pale irises, another one pooled in mine. It bothers me how quickly I've become attached to her in just the short time we've been together.
I need to get my priorities in check. I know that the safety of my Sages comes first, then the safety of my travelling partners comes next, then the attacking of Reaper and Cerberus follows. Yet, no matter what I strategize over or think about, my thoughts return to her, and I can't pinpoint the exact reason as to why.
More than a little aggravated, I stuff a pillow in my own face and huff, trying to smother out the undesired thoughts of her. It almost works, until there's a voice in my room – deep and calming to hide the malice in the speaker's intentions. "Whatever seems to be the problem, dearest baby brother?"
Typically, Xavier's ghost is unwanted, but if it distracts me from other hot topics in my mind, then I'll entertain this psychopath. "Xavier," I dully acknowledge. "Whatever brings you here, I wonder?"
Xavier chuckles, the sound sending waves of blame over me. Even though he was trying to kill me, I'm still the one who ruined him. If I just knew some self-restraint, then perhaps my father and Xavier and Malakai would all still be here, which would mean Asylum wouldn't have any charges against me for reason to take me in. But such a thing as control doesn't exist around me, and I need to learn to live with that.
"Ugh, you're as emo as ever," Xavier sighs, dramatically rolling his eye. There's something bubbly in his tone that confuses me – he's lighthearted tonight instead of accusatory and hostile. On top of that, he hasn't been around since the night I burned Kya.
"You seem...chipper," I note, sizing up my psychosis. His hair looks a bit different, too. It's done as it usually is, but now there are comb marks through it, as if he's trying to taunt me more by appearing more human instead of the monster he really is – must be a Walker thing.
Feebly, he shrugs. "So, your mind's been pretty crowded since I've been gone. Did you miss me, Ren?"
"Tch." Now, it's my turn to roll my eyes. "I'll only miss the you before your dad died."
"He's our dad, baby brother," Xavier harshly corrects, flashing me that glare that I've become accustomed to. "You're just like him, after all." He puts his hands behind his back and roams around the room, taking in the scene as if it's his first time being here. He's like a circling predator. Calmly, he rests his hand on his katana's hilt – the one that used to be Dad's. "Guess I have to give you credit for one thing: abandoning Kya was probably the smartest thing you've done since...well, ever."
I snap my head up to my ex-brother, examining him intensely. He's turned towards me, giving me an emotionless smile that sends shivers down my spine. If Xavier is telling me that I've done something good, doesn't that mean I've done something bad? Or, is there a fragment of the older brother who loved me, and is genuinely congratulating me? It's hard to tell, and I can't seem to get a good read on him. The only way to know is to drag the situation out and make him talk more, but I want to talk of Kya as little as I can.
Xavier's smile widens, his pearly teeth glinting in the room. "Is that so?" he prods, being a part of my mind and hearing my thoughts. "Then I guess I'll keep it short. First, Ren, she was far too cute for you. Second, it was best to ditch her before she ditched you, which is what she's doing now."
I furrow my brows. What she's doing now? What does that mean? I turn away from Xavier, realizing that he's just trying to bait me into asking about Kya. He's trying to rub salt in the wound just for the hell of it, and I refuse to let him get his way. I settle back into the comforter, trying to get cozy. But it's kind of hard to do that when the ghost of your older brother is hovering over you.
Xavier sighs. "Tell you what, Ren. I know you're wondering who it was she was dancing with tonight." I don't respond, trying not to dwell on it so I can douse Xavier's fire with water. His voice grows louder in my ear as he persists on nagging me. "Who it was that she gave her first kiss to."
First kiss? Kya never kissed anyone before? For some reason, I find that hard to believe. Everyone seems to fawn over her so much, I figured that along the lines, somebody put their lips on hers. It's strange, how she kissed someone she barely knew. I figured Kya would be more of a romantic; sharing her first moment of intimacy with someone she was comfortable with and had known for an extensive amount of time.
Xavier snorts. "Don't forget to breathe, Ren." I didn't realize I held a breath when he had last spoken. I release it, feeling the roil in my stomach. This shouldn't bother me, I tell myself. It doesn't. I'm unaffected.
I sit up, ready to end this once and for all. "She could totally walk out on all of us and I wouldn't give a damn," I lie, hoping Xavier doesn't call my bluff.
He pouts before sighing. "Guess you don't want to know his identity, after all. By the way, Ren, didn't you issue a tight curfew?"
Tentatively, I answer. "...yes."
"Interesting," he purrs, planting thoughts in my head. Unfortunately, he's successful. Is Kya gone already? Has she left without saying goodbye? Is she purposefully neglecting my orders just to get back at me? I never took her as vengeful, but I also never took her as a one-night-fling, either. Unless tonight was more than a one-night-fling and she's gone to meet up with that stranger... "Oh, have I peeked your interest?"
"Why do you insist on doing this to me?" I bite through gritted teeth.
"Well, I'm dead," Xavier says, as if I somehow forgot. "If I can't kill you, then I can at least make you want to kill yourself. Now, don't you have something to ask me?"
It's tempting to give in and just get the guy's identity. I shouldn't care if she's safe or not, but I do, so the least I can do is run background checks on her stupid little crush and insure he's not some psychopathic killer. "Nothing," I mutter, throwing Xavier my dirtiest look.
"So be it, little brother," he chuckles before vanishing into thin air.
I take a few minutes to gather my breath. I want to have a Sage tailing Kya, but I don't need them to begin that work now. They just got over the gruesome attack of one of their own. But Xavier embedded the idea of Kya going back out there again, and I compose myself to see if I really need to follow through with having her watched right now.
Troubled about the answer, I shake my head and holler for a Sage. The one who watches me the most appears in my doorway. "You called, Master Walker?"
"Yes," I confirm, motioning him to step inside. "I have a rather superfluous request." Suddenly, I grow sheepish with what I want done. "I want to start the surveillance on Kya starting now. And I want you to do a complete check-up on anyone she's friendly with."
The Sage looks perplexed. "Sir, she's friendly with everyone."
"Anyone she seems previously acquainted with," I gruffly rectify. Anyone she would've given her first kiss to. "I need to cover all our bases. We can't afford to have any weak spots. Especially not when we have a plan of action. We can't screw it up."
"I will send someone to watch her promptly, but she's in her room right now, last I checked. She slipped in there while I was on my way here."
Before I can stop myself, I ask, "How was she?"
Befuddled but unquestioning, the Sage responds with, "Well, she seemed happy. She was practicing earlier and seemed to be making speedy progress."
Quietly, I whisper, "That's good." I find myself settling into my sheets a bit easier and letting my head sink into the pillow a bit more. "Thank you."
There's a coy smile on the Sage's lips that I don't inquire about. "Is that all, Master Walker?"
"Yes."
"Very well. Sleep well, Master," the Sage bids, bowing his head and stepping into the hall, shutting the door behind him. With a deep yawn and a stretch, I sprawl over the mattress and close my eyes, where I'm not haunted by Xavier or anymore plaguing thoughts. The dark abyss of the subconscious dreamer is welcoming.