By the time Alice went outside to unload the bulbs, the air had turned crisp. She looked up at the darkening clouds. It was early November, and they hadn't had an Indian Summer yet. Now was the time to get the bulbs in the ground before it frosted over.
She chose the spot where the bench nestled right under the leaves of the Dwarf Japanese maple tree. Laying the boxes of bulbs on mulch under the bench, she stooped to sort them. Daffodils and tulips of all different colors; purple hyacinths because their fragrance was so strong. Crocuses. Just white. She loved color in her garden. She was not one to organize groups of colors like they showed in gardening books, although those arrangements were beautiful. She loved the freedom of the wildflowers in fields. Nature at its best.
Alice went to the garage and grabbed the navy-blue sweat-shirt with Shepherd University Baseball on the front. It was one of Todd's favorites for just hanging around. Slipping it over her head, the scent of her son teased her memory. She held a sleeve to her nose, breathing deeply.
"Todd," she said, and the tears flowed.
She sat down on the cement floor and let the memories sweep through her. She remembered something she had read somewhere. "Grief is like an ocean, it ebbs and it flows." Breathing deeply, the flow crashed over her.
After a few moments, she reached into the pocket of the sweatshirt and found some unused tissues. She had yet to wash it, relishing the scent of her son. She wiped her eyes and tossed the tissue into the open garbage can before she headed down the driveway towards the bench and her bulbs.
As she kneeled, she touched a leaf of the fiery maple tree. Then she began to dig the holes, enjoying the touch and smell of the rich, dark soil as it traveled through her fingers to the ground.
Something cold touched her forehead. She looked up as little flakes of snow started falling around her. Shutting her eyes, she let the small cold flakes gently touch her cheeks. She stuck her tongue out to catch a snowflake.
"What are you doing?" she heard a soft voice say.
Startled, Alice turned to see a little girl with almost white curls and bright blue eyes standing right next to her. Her cherub face was flushed and she had this questioning smile.
Alice looked at her and then looked around the yard, next door, up the driveway to see if anyone else was there. Not a person or a car in sight.
Alice leaned back on her heels and noticed how the little girl was dressed. She was totally unprepared for this weather. She was wearing a yellow dress, with ruffles along the bottom and a bow at her waist. She had no socks, but she had little white feathery slippers on her feet.
"What's your name?" Alice asked. The little girl was fiddling with the ruffles on her dress. "Are you by yourself? Where are your parents, Hun?"
"I don't have any parents."
Alice again glanced around at the empty neighborhood.
"Well, actually, I do have a mommy and daddy, but they don't want me anymore. So I chose you to be my mommy!" The little girl's excitement was authentic and Alice wasn't sure what to do. She stood, brushed her hands, and stooped to talk to the little girl.
"What's your name?"
"Haley Margaret Jensen," she replied, proudly.
"Well, Miss Haley Margaret Jensen," Alice said and reached for her hand. "My name is Alice and we have to find where you belong."
Alice started to walk towards the house that shared their driveway, but Haley held back.
"I belong here," she said, again. "I want you to be my mommy."
Alice smiled as they walked to the front door and knocked. She looked down at the little girl while they waited for someone to open the door.
"This is not my home," Haley whispered.
Alice nodded and turned to the opened door.
Her neighbor of 27 years opened the door and smiled at both of them.
"Hi, Alice," she said, welcoming. "Is this one of your nieces?"
"I'm Haley," the little girl said, hands behind her back, rocking back and forth toe to heel.
"Actually, Dana. I was hoping she was with you. You don't recognize her?"
"No," Dana said. "I've never seen her. You don't know her?"
"No. She just came up to me a few minutes ago. I don't know where she came from." Alice felt a squeeze of her hand.
"This is my mommy," Haley told the neighbor, leaning into Alice's legs, shyly.
Alice looked at Dana, and said, "Well, I think we might just take a walk to see if anyone is looking for her."
As they walked away, Dana called," Let me get my sweater. I'll help you look."
As the three of them started up the long driveway towards the main street, Alice saw Ben's SUV turn onto the driveway. He stopped and rolled down his window.
"Hey, ladies," he said, looking at Alice. "Are you collecting lost children again, Alice?"
He said it kindly, understanding the compassion she had as a teacher.
"No," Alice smiled, trying to contain a sprig of anger, smelling the alcohol on his breath. "She just walked up to me while I was planting bulbs. We're taking a walk to see if anyone is looking or her."
Ben pulled the truck to the side of the driveway, putting it in park. He stepped out of the car, and looked at Alice
"I was going across the street to Thomas Ct. There seems to be a party or something down there."
Dana indicated she would go left and Ben would go right.
Ben leaned down to speak to Haley.
"And who are you, young lady?" he asked.
Haley scrunched up her face and turned her head away, squeezing Alice's hand.
"I'm Haley, and you are supposed to be my daddy, but I don't want you if you have al-co-hol."
Stunned, Ben looked up at Alice, who just shrugged, holding back a sad smile.
"Well, I'm going to help you find your parents, all right?" He stood and for one of the few times in his life, he blushed.
"All right. But you won't find them," Haley stated.
They walked through their neighborhood, knocking on doors for almost an hour. Alice went down to the neighbors who were having the party but no one recognized her. They met back at the top of the street and decided they should contact the authorities to see if anyone was looking for a little girl.
Alice thanked Dana and told her she would keep in touch about the little girl. Haley went ahead of her, hopping and skipping to the front door.
As they entered the foyer, Haley looked around in awe.
"It's exactly how I knew it would be..." she said, enchanted.
Alice and Ben both looked at her as Haley moved easily through the kitchen and stopped to look at the display of photos on the front of the refrigerator. She glanced at all the pictures and then suddenly said, "That's him! That's my friend!"
She pointed to the picture of Todd on the refrigerator in his college baseball jersey. Alice glanced at Ben with a bewildered look. Ben shrugged his shoulders.
"I'll call the police and let them know she's missing, "Alice said, reaching for the kitchen phone, not knowing what to say.
Haley looked up at Alice, and said, "I'm hungry."
"Well then, let's get you something to eat," Ben said, heading to the pantry. Looking over his shoulder at Alice, he raised his eyebrows and his shoulders. He reached in and grabbed a bag of Trail Mix.
Alice spoke with an officer who said they would send a squad car and notify social services. There were no missing children currently in the local database and nothing had come through nationwide.
Alice went through the kitchen and noticed Ben sitting on the couch, and not in his usual recliner. She glanced at his recliner and saw the tops of white curls bouncing above the seat.
Haley turned to look at Alice, saying, "This is one of my favorite shows. Daddy found it for me."
They were watching a cartoon with a little pink pig speaking with a perfect British accent, and her little brother who had a green dinosaur. They were jumping in mud puddles. Alice had never seen the show before. She glanced at Ben, who was as confused and entranced as she was.
"I think it's called Pippa or something." His leg was crossed and she noticed that he had a glass of water on the end table.
"It's Peppa Pig! Her daddy jumps in "muddy puddles." Haley was eating from a baggie filled with Trail Mix. She reached for the little cup of water next to her.
Alice went to sit on the other side of the couch from Ben.
"Well, this is nice," she said, not knowing really what to say.
"Will you come sit with me?" Haley asked.
"I don't think that seat will hold both of us very well," Alice replied.
. Normally, it wouldn't bother her at all to sit with a niece or nephew or some little person she knew. She didn't think it would be a good idea for now. Haley seemed fine, no crying and she didn't seem at all worried. She acted like she belonged here.
Then, there was the picture of Todd on the refrigerator. How did this little girl know her son? Alice didn't know what to think. As Haley watched the television, she watched Haley, and her thoughts wandered.
When the doorbell rang, both Alice and Ben stood up, and Alice moved instinctively beside Haley. Ben went to open the door.
He escorted a familiar detective and two people from the county social services into the family room.
It was Detective Matthews. He was one of the detectives who had responded the morning Todd died.
"Detective," she nodded.
Matthews introduced the two people with him as they walked towards the family room.
"So, who do we have here?" the detective stooped beside Haley.
Haley looked at him, and then at the other people in the room.
"So, who are you?" she echoed.
"My name Mark. I've come to help you find your way back home."
White curls shook back and forth, and Haley crossed her arms.
"I can't go back there. They don't want me."
"Who doesn't want you, your parents?"
She nodded, and then said something that made everyone in the room uncomfortable.
"Yes. They were mean to me and I....", she paused a moment, wondering if Heaven was a big secret down here. "They gave me away."
"Where do you live?"
"I don't know. I'm only five years old!" She spread her fingers as she tilted her head.
"Well, Miss 5 years old," he continued. "How did you get here?"
Shrugged shoulders were the answer.
Detective Matthews stood for a moment and moved to Alice and Ben. Alice was explaining to the social workers how Haley had just shown up earlier while Alice was planting bulbs. The little girl was alone.
"We'll have to take her with us," said Matthews, "until we figure this all out. But I need to ask her a question. No offense."
They both nodded and Matthews stooped down beside Haley one more time.
"Haley, did these people take you from somewhere and bring you here?"
Alice reached for Ben's hand, sensing where this was going.
"Oh, no...!" Haley said, looking at Alice. "I just came down and she was in the garden and I just came up to her and told her I wanted her to be my mommy."
Alice smiled wanly at Haley and nodded in agreement.
"Well, then," a female social worker said. "Haley, you need to come with us so we can find where you belong."
Tears welled in Haley's eyes as she jumped from the chair to grab Alice's legs, burying her face. Alice reached down to touch her shoulder.
"No! I don't want to go with you! I want to stay here! I want her to be my mommy!"
Alice glanced at Ben.
"Can we just keep her here until you find out who she is and where she belongs?" Alice asked.
"No, ma'am," Matthews replied. The lady stooped down next to Haley and gently pried her arms away, softly reassuring Haley that things will be fine.
Alice walked behind them as the lady carried Haley to the foyer. Both Detective Matthews and the social worker gave her their business cards.
Ben moved ahead and opened the front door. It was dusk by now, and there was a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stepped aside as the others walked outside.
"Oops!" the social worker said as she stumbled off the step. "I almost stepped on that frog."
Haley's eyes brightened, as she looked down. She jumped from the ladies arms and stood over the creature, staring down with eyes and mouth wide open.
"It's the toad! It's really the toad!"
She bent down and carefully touched the back of the little brown toad. It did not jump. It just sat still.
"He's beautiful," Haley whispered. Alice looked at the toad that still appeared every now and then, and then back at Haley. She had no idea what was happening.
Alice watched as the lady buckled Haley into a car seat. She swallowed as Haley's little lip trembled, but still no tears.
They watched the cars pull up the driveway and Alice turned to Ben. He was staring down at the little toad, still in the same spot.
"You think....?" His words drifted with his thought.
Alice looked at him, with a wondering smile.
"I have no idea," she said, as she turned inside. "Nothing makes sense. I wonder who she is and how did she recognize Todd?"
"And the toad," Ben said. "There is something about that toad. "
Walking into the kitchen, looking at the photo on the refrigerator, neither said a word.
"Well," Alice sighed. "I'm going upstairs to check my email and Facebook. What are you going to do?"
She hoped he wouldn't drink, although after what just happened, she wouldn't be surprised.
"I'll be up in a little bit." He looked at her, solemnly. "Sorry. I never made it to the meeting. I started thinking about Todd. No, I don't have anything here. I just went to Sonny's Bar."
He paused with a curious smile and said," You know what she told me when we were watching TV?"
Alice saw a look of wonder in his eyes.
"She said I shouldn't drink any more al-co-hol." He accentuated the words just like Haley had done. "She said I can be her daddy if I don't drink alcohol anymore."
Alice saw him look at her, with an exaggerated look on his face.
"Is this a trick to make me stop drinking? Did you hire that little girl to get under my skin?"
He faked a questioning squint.
Alice looked squarely at him. "Would that be so bad?"
"You know I'm trying."
"Actually, I don't know that.How can you say you're trying when you leave to go to a meeting and then go straight to a bar?" she sighed, heavily, not wanting to engage in this conversation tonight.
"Alice," she stopped and looked at him. "I will try again. Starting tonight. I'll start going to meetings for real and clean up and get back to work."
"Did you even meet the person you were going to meet for a job?" She knew the answer before she asked. His sheepish look only annoyed her. She was getting tired of that grin he hoped would make her smile. After years of promises and starts and stops, and no real effort, his sincerity, although true in this moment, would be gone with the next emotion he could not handle.
Alice nodded and continued up the stairs. Ben turned to go into the family room.
She paused at the top of the stairs, listening for the typical sounds of sneaking a drink. The alcoholic in her understood her husband. As easy as it seemed to stop drinking, her problem was she couldn't stay stopped. After a few days, she would convince herself that one drink would be okay. The drink that never ended.
Yet, the mother inside her who chose recovery was frustrated at his efforts. As hard as it was to finally choose sobriety, it was becoming more and more difficult to understand why he didn't want to stay sober. Why after even eight or nine months, he convinced himself he could safely drink again. The unstoppable merry-go-round would begin again.
She certainly knew how hard it must be for him since Todd died. She knew it was only through the tools she learned in recovery and her efforts to honor both sons that she had stayed sober since his death. It was not easy. But she knew that there was nothing now that a drink would make better. She simply had to go through each day, with eyes and heart wide open.
Shaking her head, Alice sat on the bed and opened up her little blue computer. She thought about Haley. Where did she come from? How did she recognize Todd's picture? She knew about the toad. Why did she insist she was her mommy?
What in the world was happening?
As she settled into bed, Alice felt comforted that whatever happened in the morning, she was certain that Haley would be all right.
#####
Alice opened her eyes, startled at a sound she heard from downstairs. The room was dark and so was the sky that peeked through the blinds. The taste in her mouth and the computer hanging off the bed helped her realize she had fallen asleep. She glanced at the neon light of the clock. 12:30AM.
She held her breath and listened for the sound that woke her from sleep. She recognized the British voices of that children's show Haley had been watching coming from the family room below.
Oh, God. He's drinking...and watching Peppa Pig.
She turned to bury her head in her pillow and was startled at the deep snort that came from next to her.
She looked next to her to see Ben turning on his side, mouth moving as he slept. She shook his arm, and he woke up, turning groggily to her.
"Did you leave on the TV downstairs? I hear Peppa Pig."
She looked as Ben listened to the television, and they heard the quiet familiar giggles.
"I think we have company," he said, curiously. "What is going on?"
Moving to the door, Alice looked back and said, "I have no idea."
Haley was sitting in her now 'favorite' recliner, and she turned to look at them as they entered the room.
"Hi, mommy!" All smiles.
Alice went to her and stooped beside her. Her eyebrows were set as she looked at Haley.
"How did you get back here?" she asked, firmly.
"I don't know how it happens. I just think it, and I'm here!"
The house phone rang, breaking the silence in the room. Ben answered and spoke in short phrases.
"Yes, Haley is here." Pause. "No we don't know how she got here." He glanced over at Alice. "No, we were asleep and we've been home all evening." Pause. "We just woke up ourselves. She's down here watching TV." He raised his eyebrows as he looked at Alice. "Yes, we locked the doors."
Another long pause.
Haley moved over so Alice could sit next to her in the recliner. She rested her head against Alice and within moments, she was asleep.
"Listen, can we just keep her here until the morning? Believe me, detective. We have no idea what's going on, but she's just a little girl and she is sound asleep in my wife's arms." Pause. "Yes, sir. We will be here in the morning. Thank you for understanding this situation. It's not like we are strangers to the county. You know who we are. All right."
Alice snuggled into the blanket Ben offered, tucking it around Haley. She nodded as Ben indicated if she wanted water. She smiled as he set the bottle down next to her and he kissed her softly on the forehead. He stroked the top of the little girl's hair.
When she smiled at her husband, she saw something in his eyes that she hadn't seen in a very long time. Even before Todd had died.
She saw the man she married so many years ago.
"Goodnight," she said, as he moved away.
"Oh, I'm not going anywhere," he said, settling down on the couch, covering up with a blanket. "The way she pops in and out, I'm going to make sure if you leave, I'm going with you all."
Alice rested her head against the back of the chair, looking down at Haley. Holding this little girl, memories of hugging another little boy, so many years ago swept over her. Blinking back tears, she laid her head on the top of Haley's curls, the soft scent and quiet breathing of the little girl bringing a sense of peace.
Alice sighed, feeling a peace for the first time in weeks. She had no idea what was happening. It didn't make sense and there had to be some simple explanation. But for this moment, she wasn't going to think about anything at all. She closed her eyes and fell asleep, nestling into the chair, holding Haley safe in her arms.
*****
The chirp of the doorbell woke her up, and Alice started to hug Haley but held her own arms instead. She blinked to wake up faster and her heart began to race when she realized little girl was not in her arms.
She glanced around the room and heard Ben in the front foyer, opening the door.
"Ben, is Haley with you?"
She stood, the blanket falling around her ankles. She looked at Ben as he entered the kitchen. Detective Matthews was beside him, holding a sheet of paper in his hands.
"We have a court order to take Haley to the hospital for a complete check-up to make sure she's all right," he said.
"She fell asleep on my lap," Alice said, looking at Ben, trying to stop the fear creeping into her thoughts. "I didn't feel her get up at all." Her voice trailed as she looked at Matthews and the two people with him.
"Mrs. Thomas," Detective Matthews said. "I can't figure out how you got her here again, but this is getting out of hand."
"You think I don't know that?"
For the first time, Alice's voice echoed her fear as she started up the stairs. She moved past them and started up the stairs. "I don't know where she is."
As Ben and Matthews went into the kitchen to look for Haley, Alice shot an anxious look at the two social workers texting on their phones.
"Can you please help us look for her?"
They apologized, put away their phones and started awkwardly looking around the kitchen. A movement from outside caught her eye and Alice opened the front door. On the left side of the step was the little toad. Sitting right next to it was Haley
"Hi, mommy! I'm playing with Todd's toad. Well, he's not really playing. He's just sitting there like toads do. But I'm talking to him and he is listening to me." Her voice was sweet and not at all aware of the commotion she just caused.
Alice called out to Ben, "She's here!" and moved to sit beside the little girl.
She looked up at Detective Matthews who glanced at both social workers.
"You didn't see her when you just came up to the door?" She recognized their looks because she felt the same confused thought. What is going on?
Detective Matthews stooped down to speak to Haley.
"Haley, are you all right?"
"Yes, but I'm hungry. Can I have breakfast?" Alice looked into her bright blue eyes.
" Haley. Remember these people from yesterday? Mrs. Lacey was very worried when she found out you were gone. You need to go with them. I have some snacks you can take with you."
"Well, I told her I was going back to mommy," Haley replied, scrunching her nose and shaking her head. "She knew I was coming back here."
"But how did you get here?" Matthews asked.
"I don't know. I just wish it and then I'm here!"
Alice watched the detective stand, saying, "Mrs. Thomas. We should take her with us. I don't know how you got her here, and I'm not going to do anything about it right now. Just let these people take her where she needs to go and don't have any more contact with Haley until we find out who she is, and where her parents are."
He reached for Haley's hand, and Alice encouraged her to go with him. She watched as Haley went to the car, saw the sad eyes as she was strapped into a car seat. Sadness enveloped her.
"I want to stay with you," Alice heard the quiet voice say as they walked away.
Alice waited until the detective came back, offering her another card. She looked at it, curious.
"Just in case you need help dealing with the loss of your son," Matthews said, gently. Alice glanced down at the card. There was the name of a grief counselor offering services through the county. She thanked the detective, warily watching as he moved down the sidewalk towards his car.
"She's not here!" one of the social workers declared, as she looked in the back seat.
Alice watched as Matthews walked towards the car, hands out to his side.
"What do you mean 'she's not here?'"
Alice saw both the woman and the man looking at the car seat empty. The buckles were still tight, but there was no Haley.
Alice caught her breath as Matthews looked towards her, frowning.
"Okay, okay. I don't know what the hell is going on but this has got to stop."
Alice looked at him, tilting her chin high, equally returning his stare.
"I've been trying to tell you," she said, earnestly. "I have no idea what's going on. And..." she handed the business card back to the detective. "It certainly isn't in my head. She just showed up. She just appears. I have no idea what's going on."
She turned to walk back inside. The mother instinct kicked in and she called out, "Haley, I want you to come here to me right now." She had no idea why she said it or if it would even work. She heard a little sigh from upstairs, a giggle and a whisper, "Oh, all right."
Haley appeared at the top of the stairs and slowly started down, leaning against the wall, watching Alice carefully.
"Don't be mad at me, please. I'm just playing. I just want to stay with you. Todd said you were a good mommy." The moment she said it, Haley realized what she had done. Heaven was supposed to be a secret, she remembered.
Alice raised her eyebrows at the mention of her son's name. A smile tickled at the corner of her lips.
"Todd...." her voice trailed softly.
"I just want to stay here. I want you to be my mommy. I want to be happy with you." Alice felt the soft curls as Haley grabbed her and laid her head against her legs.
With a deep, exasperated sigh, Alice stood face to face with Haley, as the little girl stood on the third step.
"Haley, please tell me what's going on. Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
Alice stopped. Haley's eyes grew wide and her mouth gaped open as she looked through the side windows of the doorway.
"My friends!" she cried. Alice felt the little girls hands on her cheeks as she implored," All my friends are here!"