Chapter 15
Rae
I trudged ahead, allowing my feet to take me wherever they wanted. I no longer cared about my destination. The world seemed to blur and all I saw was my feet methodically guiding me through town. My phone vibrated in my pocket, but I couldn't muster up the strength to answer it. There's no telling who was calling, but I knew it wasn't her.
When I finally stopped in front of a chain-linked fence, I looked up. The light blue townhouse peered back at me, appearing almost unforgiving. I reached out to unlatch the gate when something occurred to me.
We aren't on good terms right now.
I clenched my fist around the metal, enjoying the feeling of it digging into my skin. I squeezed as tightly as I could, reveling in the way it sent shockwaves of pain up my arms.
Finally, I released it and turned away, heading back the way I'd come. I glanced around me, noting for the first time that the dogs hadn't followed me. There's no telling where they might have wandered off to, but I'm sure they'll meet me back at the house later.
I took my time walking aimlessly through town, not wanting to go back to my house where I'm sure they'd be waiting to tell me that she died. That my Serenity didn't survive the fall. I don't think I could handle that. There was only one way to deal with this, but the person who usually helped me, wanted all of me, not just what I could give her. A deep sigh escaped me as I slumped slightly, my shoulders coming up to my ears.
Who could I call? Who'd be willing to take what I could give them without question?
I pulled out my phone and dialed the number before I could second guess myself. They answered on the second ring.
"Hello?" the voice answered.
"Hey, it's me. You busy?"
"Hey! No, of course not. Come on over. The door's unlocked and my mom's out on a date with some doctor. I'd love the company."
"Cool. I'm on my way." I hung up, already feeling the guilt settle into the pit of my stomach. Still, I had to do this.
I was barely through the door when she pounced. Natasha was scantily clad in a fiery orange lace bra and panty set. Her hair was loose and sexily messy, her viridian green eyes burning into me with their intensity.
My hands instinctively grabbed onto her thighs, catching her mid-air and held her close to me. Her lips found mine, forcing her tongue into my mouth. Everything felt rushed and hurried, but I didn't have it in me to stop. I walked over to the couch, distracting her by letting her control the kiss.
When my knees bumped against it, I tossed her onto it. She cried out in surprise, her eyes wide. I peeled off my clothes, feeling as if I were shedding a second skin, and then climbed on top of her. She pulled me down to her, wrapping her legs around my waist and pressing our lips together again.
I wrapped her hair in my fingers, pulling her head back. My lips trailed along her jaw, up to her ear. I ran my tongue along the outer edge of it, her quiet whimpers and the writhing of her hips telling me she loved it. Her hands wrapped themselves around my waist, holding me flush against her. As I nibbled and licked along the column of her neck, my free hand tugged her underwear down her legs and off of her body. I tore my lips off her neck for the briefest of moments to give the silk panties a quick sniff before tossing them aside.
My legs nudged hers open and I settled myself between them. I licked and sucked at the juncture between her neck and shoulder, and she jerked against me, her clit sliding against mine. My entire body tensed up at the pleasure that tore through me. Both hands dropped down to pin her hips to the couch cushions, stopping her thrusts.
I lifted my head to look into her dark gaze and smiled. "Not yet, babe. Let's take our time. There's no rush."
Her hands came up to cup my chin and a wicked grin crossed her features. "Sorry. It's just been way, way too long since the last time I was touched by someone other than myself." Her legs curled themselves tighter around my waist and pulled me harder against her, this time dragging a groan out of me. "Seems like its been a while for you too."
I forced my eyes open just enough to see the victorious grin on her face. "So? She's a virgin."
"Yeah? Definitely not your type." She pulled me down and kissed me deeply, her fingers toying with the hairs at my nape while she slowly grinded against me. "This is good. I miss this. The intimacy."
Instead of responding, I grabbed her hips and pulled her harder against me, meeting her thrusts with my own. Her grunts filled the air along with the sound of our wetness sliding against each other. The warm slickness of her combined with my own was starting to get to me. My clit was pulsing and my arms were trembling from bearing my weight through this. My heart was trying to beat out of my chest, and I could feel my leg muscles flexing with each thrust.
I leaned forward and took a breast in my mouth, sucking and nibbling on it as if to coax it to part ways with the rich nectar underneath. One of her hands pulled my head closer to the breast while the other gripped tightly onto my ass, roughly holding me tighter against her. I felt more than saw her legs suddenly fall open as she stopped grinding and literally started fucking up against me. Her grunts turned into frantic moans as she headed towards the edge. Both of her hands dropped to my ass and held me to her as she fucked up against me.
And then she was moaning my name as if she were in mid-prayer. She leisurely grinded against me, milking the rest of her orgasm for as long as she could before going limp beneath me. Her chest rose and fell like she'd just run the Iron Man in record time. I rolled off of her so she could breathe easier, and I studied her profile while she stared dazedly up at the ceiling.
Her skin flushed a satisfying red and her hair was a helluva lot messier than it had been when I first walked in. One hand was absently rubbing her breast while the other was wrapped around my shoulders like she were afraid I would leave. I kissed her on the neck, the salty taste of her sweat lingering as I rested my head on her shoulder, enjoying the tantalizing musk of sex that permeated through the room.
"Sorry. It really has been a while." she finally said, peering down at me with a sheepish grin. She rolled onto her side and let her fingers draw shapes on my stomach. "I'll make it up to you, though." She leaned forward and pressed the gentlest of kisses on my lips.
We kissed slowly, our movements languid and tender. Her tongue lovingly courted mine, tending to it like a long lost lover. Moving much slower than before, we refamiliarized ourselves with each other's bodies. Hands traveling along breasts, giving them a squeeze and a light tugging of the nipple. Her hands somehow constantly finding their way back to my ass and my abs. And then a rogue hand slid between my folds, and she gasped into my mouth.
"Jesus, baby. You're so fucking wet for me." she crooned against my lips, a smirk on hers. "Maybe I should do something about it." She raised the hand to her lips, licking my juices off her middle finger. Her eyes fluttered shut as she moaned at the flavor. "Baby, you taste so good. Even better than I remember."
I could only stare at her, my mind giving her dark auburn hair and brown black eyes that seemed to see right into my soul. I felt my entire body relax, knowing it was all a dream. I hadn't slept with Natasha and Serenity was still alive. And then a naked thigh rubbed against my bare pussy and suddenly, Natasha was laying next to me again.
"Hey, Widow." she whispered as she studied my eyes. "Where'd you go just now?"
I shook my head, forcing anything Serenity related completely out of my head. "Nowhere. Just thinking about you."
Natasha's face lit up in a grin and she pushed me down onto my back before climbing between my legs. "Is that so? Well, I'm going to give you even more to think about when you leave later on." Her grin turned into an arrogant smirk as she forced my legs apart. She leaned down so her face was level with the most private part of me and she breathed in deeply, savoring my scent. When she released the breath against me, my hips jerked involuntarily, trying to get closer to her mouth. She chuckled and moved further up to kiss me on the lips. "Don't worry, Widow. I'm gonna take real good care of you."
She inched back down, running her lips along my neck with a feather-like touch. When she reached my pulse point, she immediately bit down and sucked on it, no doubt marking her territory. I pressed myself up against her, feeling my arousal from earlier even more acutely than before. Her hands pinned my hips to the couch and she kissed her way down to my breasts. Not one to beat around the bush, Natasha latched onto one breast and sucked hard, her teeth holding my nipple in place while her hand molded my other breast.
I writhed beneath her, seeking some kind of relief from the fire she'd stoked within me. My clit felt like it was on a timer, nearing detonation. I grabbed her hips and pulled her so she straddled my waist and I thrust up against her. Her moan vibrated against my breast, sending shockwaves of pleasure down my body. I could feel myself shaking, knowing I was about to lose my mind if she didn't do something.
As if sensing this, Natasha released my breasts and climbed down my body, running her tongue along the defined edges of my heaving abs. Settling at the juncture of my legs, she put both of my legs over her shoulders, forcing me completely open to her hungry gaze. I watched in anticipation as she licked her lips like a predator preparing to feast upon its prey. And then she leaned forward, her tongue firmly running through my folds in one big lick.
I jumped, my hands latching onto the armrest of the couch as I bit my lip, holding back a yelp. But when she did it again, I couldn't stop a whimper from escaping. She looked up at me, a knowing grin plastered on her face. She knew I was a sucker for oral sex. If you really wanted to get me there, your tongue is all you'd need.
She ducked down and ran her tongue along my folds, lapping up my slickness. She lightly bit my labia, causing me to flinch and then press myself towards her. She ran her tongue passed my opening, heading straight for my clit. It was so engorged, it was literally throbbing. She ran her tongue around it, doing figure eights and changing how much pressure she'd put on the area. Sometimes it would be as light as a feather while others, it'd be like she was pressing a penis against it. It was driving me mad.
And then she slid her tongue inside me. My hips rose towards her face and I buried my fingers in her hair. It was right there. I could feel the warmth in me starting to boil. She sucked and licked, her tongue flying in and out of me so fast I was starting to get light-headed. I rode her face, trying to get her tongue deeper, but then she pulled out. I opened my mouth to complain when she buried two fingers inside me, all the way to the second knuckle, and she wrapped her lips around my clit. I moaned loudly, the sound coming out hoarse and deep. She sucked hard as she pistoned her fingers in and out of me, hard and fast. Fuck, this girl knew I liked it rough. Her hand was pounding me in a way I knew would leave me aching and limping tomorrow. And then her tongue curled against the left side of my clit and the entire room went pitch black.
I peaked hard. Harder than I thought I could. And she didn't fucking let go. She kept fucking and sucking, and I kept beating her face with my pelvis. My clit screamed for her to let go and give it some relief. I tried to push her off, but that caused her teeth to lightly scrape against it and suddenly I was coming again. I vaguely recall her name being wrenched from between my lips.
When I opened my eyes, there she lay, just watching me with a big grin on her face. The entire lower half of her face was covered in my juices and she didn't seem the least bit perturbed. She leaned forward and kissed me, and I buried my tongue in her mouth, getting a nice long taste of myself on her lips. When we came up for air, she stood up and pulled me to my feet.
"Come on, Widow. Let's continue this in the bedroom." She grabbed our clothes and sashayed up the stairs, my eyes never leaving her ass as she went.
This is gonna be a long night.
I readjusted the collar of my polo as I gazed down at Natasha's peaceful form. She'd always been an adorable sleeper. She was still naked and stretched out on her stomach, her ass the only part of her body covered by the scarlet sheets. Her arms were folded underneath her pillow, her hair spread wildly across it. She had a few hickeys on her back and along her neck. There was no telling how many were on the front of her body, but anyone could tell by the small smile on her sleeping face that she was beyond satisfied.
I love her. I always have and always will, but it'd never work out between us. The sex is great and we enjoy each other's company, but I don't feel that something that I feel for Serenity. It still doesn't have a name, but I'm hoping to eventually figure it out.
I slipped out of her house quietly, the sun just starting to appear over the horizon. I'd literally stayed the entire night, screwing my best friend. Shaking my head in disgust, I wandered out on the streets, headed towards home since I had nowhere else to go. I'd barely made it ten feet when my phone rang. "Hello?"
"Hello? Rae?" an even voice responded.
"Jordan? Hey, is everything okay?" I asked, my anxiety suddenly surging within me.
"Dude! Where the hell have you been? We've been trying to get a hold of you forever!"
I glanced back at Natasha's house, feeling the guilt creeping up on me again. "I was distracting myself. What's up? How's Serenity?"
"She's going to be okay. She was malnourished and severely exhausted, but no serious injuries occurred."
I released a breath I felt as if I'd been holding since I'd stumbled upon her. She was going to be okay. My Serenity, was going to be okay. I swayed slightly, my entire equilibrium off as relief flooded my body. "Thank God. When are they going to release her?"
"We're not sure yet. Do you think you can come and see her? She misses you."
"I'm on my way." I hung up and then realized I needed transportation. I knew for a fact there was no way in hell I'd ask Natasha for a ride and Terry was out of town on a business trip. I stared at the tops of my shoes for a long moment before pressing my speed dial.
"Rae?" the soothing voice crooned.
"Hey, Mel. I've got a huge favor to ask of you." I waited a beat, thinking it over in my head, knowing this was a helluva favor to ask a former lover. "I need a ride to the hospital. Serenity got into an accident and I need to see her."
The other end of the line was silent for a long moment before a sigh came through. "Where are you? I'll scoop you and drop you off."
I stepped through the sliding doors, my eyes darting around the waiting room. There were people everywhere, just milling about. I kept my head down and hurried over to the front desk. Before I could speak, someone called my name. I turned to my left to see Junior stalking down the hall toward me.
I met him halfway and looked up at him. "Hey, Junior."
He ignored pleasantries and instead scooped me up in a tight hug. "Jesus, Rae. You scared the hell out of me." he whispered against my head. "You can't just disappear like that. We thought something had happened to you."
I closed my eyes, breathing in his woodsy scent. "Sorry. I thought she was dead. I can't go through that again, Ju-Ju."
He finally released me, meeting my gaze. "You won't. She's tough, you know that." He shifted away from me, nodding in the direction he'd come from. "Come on. I'll take you to her room."
We walked silently, our steps echoing in the hall. My breaths came out labored as I started to become nervous about seeing her. What if she was angry I'd left her there surrounded by strangers? What if she knew what I'd done with Natasha? What if she didn't want anything to do with me anymore? Question after question shot through my mind, slowly making it harder and harder for me to breathe. When we finally made it to her room, I was afraid that I might have developed asthma at some point without realizing it. Then my eyes landed on her.
Suddenly, it was like all the air I'd been deprived, came pouring back into my lungs. My gaze traveled over her, taking in the beauty before me. She did look thinner than what I was used to, her cheeks a bit hollow. The damn hospital gown made her look so goddamn fragile as she lay prone on the bed. And then my eyes met hers. Hers burned like charcoal, threatening to leave me scathed from its heat. Yet, at the same time, the heat drew me in like a woman stuck in the middle of the arctic seeking warmth.
Before I knew it, I was standing beside her, gazing down at her. I didn't think. My body just moved of its own accord. I straddled her, and then buried my face in the crook of her neck, breathing her in. Her arms came around my back, pulling me tighter against her.
"I thought I'd lost you." I whispered, my voice dropping into a whimper. I felt her arms tighten around me.
"I'm right here, angel. I'm not going anywhere." She shifted beneath, and then her hand was forcing me to look her in the eye. "You need to change your voicemail."
I stared at her, my mind working overtime to figure out what she meant. Oh shit.... "Shit. I totally forgot about that thing. I'll change it. I promise." I snuggled back into her, pressing my lips against the column of her neck. "Maybe you can be in it this time."
Serenity chuckled, and then her hand slid beneath my shirt, gently caressing my bare back. "I'd like that."
I took the lull in our conversation to do a quick scan of the room. It was empty besides us two. "Where'd everybody go?"
"They went to get something to eat. I'll be getting released soon." I met her gaze, smiling down at her.
"I'm glad. You really scared me, precious."
"Sorry. I guess I wasn't thinking." She ran her fingers through my hair, her eyes searching mine. "What happened to you, by the way? Where'd you go?"
I immediately tensed up, then forced myself to relax. "I spent the night at Quinn's. I didn't want to go home if Junior was there grieving your death. I was afraid to face a reality without you a part of it." I quickly explained before she could bite my head off.
Serenity nodded slowly, her eyes scanning me for any abnormalities in my appearance. "Okay, fine. As long as she doesn't try anything, then I'm fine with it." Then her hand reached up and touched something on my neck. Belatedly, it occurred to me that I had a hickey there from last night.
I stared at her for a long moment, my mind racing with many excuses, but none of them appealed to me. I could keep lying to her and hope she bought it, or I could grow a pair and come clean. Inhaling deeply, I climbed off of her and stood beside the bed. "She didn't. I did." Her dark eyes burned into me, anger, disappointment, and hurt in their depths, but also a glimmer of hope. I extinguished it with my next words. "I went to her house and slept with her because I'd thought you'd died. It's always been my way of coping, and I can't seem to break the habit. I know it's no excuse. I screwed up big time and I don't expect you to forgive me. You've given me enough chances as it is."
She stared at me, her dark eyes moist and red. The steady beeping on her heart monitor slowly sped up as she sat up. She pushed herself to the edge of the bed. I stood still, waiting for the ball to drop. It came in the form of a hand colliding with the side of my face. The force of the blow sent me stumbling backwards, my hand holding my now warm cheek. "Get out." she growled, her voice hoarse and broken. "Get out before I have security remove you."
I stepped foward, my hands raised placatingly. "Precious, the last thing I ever wanted to do wa—"
"I said get out! I don't give a flying fuck about what you meant to do." She stood up on shaky legs, her eyes hard and ablaze. "We had an agreement to remain faithful to each other until we figured this out, and you go and sleep with the bitch who is hellbent on keeping you for herself?!" She shook her head and then sat down heavily, suddenly too tired to put up much of a fight. "Get out, Rae. And stay away from me and my family." And then she climbed back on the bed, laying on her side, facing away from me. I waited a full minute before turning and walking back out.
I wandered the halls, not sure what to do with myself. Now that Serenity actually did hate me, I could go back to bed with Natasha if I wanted to, but I don't. I'd call Melinda, but I've bothered her enough already. It's a wonder she even talks to me anymore after everything I've put her through. I kept walking, my feet having a mind of their own. I avoided the eyes of the people I passed in the halls, afraid they'd see the torment I felt in mine. I came to a stop in front of a desk and raised my eyes. Ms Stacy, the receptionist, was sat behind the desk typing.
She looked up and smiled at me. "Hi, Raeshawn. Dr Lee is in with a client right now, but she's free afterwards. I'll let her know you're here."
I nodded and then sat down in my usual seat, staring at my hands resting on my thighs. My eyes closed of their own volition, and the memory of being in Serenity's arms flooded my senses. Her scent, an odd combination of oranges and chocolate, would make my mouth salivate at the thought of tasting her. The smooth feel of her skin and the firmness in her arms elicited the most pleasurable tingles up and down my back. The sweetness of her as my fingers slid out her pants and into my mouth. The sound of her whimpering my name in my ear. The feel of her tightening her grip around me, holding me in place when I wanted to run. The way she looked at me as if I were the only one for her.
I opened my eyes and felt the familiar burning in my nose, that would soon spread to my eyes. I fucked up big time. At that moment, the door to Dr Lee's office swung open and an older gentleman stepped out. He laughed at something the doctor said before walking out the main door. Dr Lee turned to me and gestured for me to come in.
I stood up and trudged past her, flopping down onto the couch. My hands picked at each other restlessly as I waited for her to join me. When she settled into the small chair across from me, I looked up. She didn't have her usual tablet she typed in during our sessions. She was dressed comfortably in a pair of khaki pants and white short sleeve blouse.
Dr Lee reclined back in her seat, her gaze slowly combing me from top to bottom. When she met my eyes again, she smiled reassuringly. "What's been going on with you, Rae? You missed two weeks of sessions, and then you pop up out of the blue. Is everything okay?"
I leaned forward, intertwining my fingers and resting my forearms on my thighs. "I've just been—I don't know. Busy, I guess."
"What changed?"
I shifted in my seat, my eyes leaving hers. "I fucked up." I whispered, my eyes starting to burn.
She straightened up in her seat and leaned forward slightly. "What do you mean? What happened?" I told her about having trouble defining what I felt for Serenity and how I asked all of my former lovers about it. I told her about how I'd touched Serenity for the first time and met her parents for the first time. I gave her a brief summary about the day of the storm and what happened. I described how I'd spoken to Melinda about it and how I'd hurt her by admitting something I probably shouldn't have. I told her about how I'd had a panic attack when we'd gone into Henri's Hangout and how everyone fought over me afterwards. I explained about Serenity's accident and how I'd found her. I even told her about the sex with Natasha and then coming to see Serenity afterwards. The hardest thing to tell her about though, was the way Serenity had thrown me out of her room after telling me she'd never leave me.
All throughout the explanation, Dr Lee remained silent, never interrupting me and just letting me get it all out there. "I messed up, Doc. She doesn't want anything to do with me, and I understand why. But, I think my happiness is dependent on her." She opened her mouth to say something, but I raised my hand to stop her. "I know it's not healthy, but it's the truth. I depend on her so much and now that her position in my life is being threatened, I don't know what to do. I don't think I could handle it."
Dr Lee waited a bit, making sure I didn't have any more to add before responding. "It appears that a lot has happened over the last couple of weeks. I remember your parents rescheduling your appointment, but you never came in. Let's try to handle this one at a time, okay? We'll save the Serenity thing for last because it's definitely a biggie." When I nodded in acceptance, she began. "You had sex with Serenity."
"No. Not sex exactly. More like I reached second base with her."
Dr Lee shook her head, a small smile on her face. "I don't think I'll ever understand the whole sexual progression between women. Anyways, you got to second base with her. How'd that make you feel?"
I relaxed into my seat, staring up at the ceiling, searching for the right words. "It was life-altering. I mean, I got permission to kiss her and grind on her a little, but then she told me to take off my shirt. That was a shock in and of itself. But then, she let me put my hand in her pants and touch her, and she touched me too. I didn't think in a million years that she'd touch me that way. And when we came together.... I don't know, Doc. It touched something deep inside me. Deeper than anyone ever has."
Dr Lee smiled, and clasped her hands in her lap. "I think we're making progress. Let's move on to the next progression. You got stuck in a memory during the storm at school. Can you tell me what you saw?"
I immediately straightened up, my eyes dropping to my hand where I was reflexively rubbing at the scar in my palm. The image of the piece of the bridge dropping in front of the car flashed in my mind and I squeezed my eyes shut. "I can't." I whispered. I shook my head, reluctantly meting her eyes. "If I tell you, you'll turn around and tell my parents. They can't find out. They'll hate me even more than they already do."
"Then I won't tell them."
"You told them about my dogs, and they lashed out at me. If they freaked out over that little thing, imagine how they'd react if they found out about this."
"I didn't think they'd lash out at you, Raeshawn. More than anything, I'd hoped it'd make them understand you a little better and let you have your space while you worked through your problems."
I shook my head, meeting her gaze. "I can't tell you what I saw, but I'll give you this. It reminded me of the crash. Can we move on?"
Dr Lee sighed, leaning back in her seat. "Alright. The conversation with Melinda. You admitted to thinking about Serenity while sleeping with her."
I nodded, screwing my eyes shut. "That's one of my biggest regrets. She didn't deserve that. She's a good woman and I did this to her." I met her eyes, knowing full well she could see me holding back tears. "Regardless of what I did, she always came back to me. Always. I slept with Terry behind her back, and she forgave me almost instantly. She found out I was screwing Quinn on the side and still, she took me back. I told her I couldn't make a commitment to her, and she accepted it. Choosing to take what I could give her. Anybody would be lucky to have her, and still, she stuck by me through everything. She was my rock when things got tough. She never expected anything in return. No declarations of love or realizations that she was the one for me or even the consideration of actually trying to have a relationship. She accepted me only sleeping with her when the urge hit me and my leaving as soon as it was done."
When I was quiet for a few minutes, Dr Lee spoke again. "Do you love her?"
I nodded. "I do."
"But not enough to want more."
"No."
"So, she's hurting, and you feel guilty about it."
"It's more than just guilt, Doc. I wish that I could love her the way she loves me. She deserves that and more." I shook my head, rubbing at my scar harder. "I wish I'd seen it sooner. I would've broken things off. I never meant to hurt her."
Dr Lee uncrossed her legs and leaned forward, resting her head in the palm of her hand. "What about Natasha and Terry?"
"Terry has accepted that I don't want to be with him. He looks out for me though. Gave me a key to his apartment and I've got clothes and stuff there. We have lunch together every now and then, and he's always there to rescue me whenever I call on him." I stood up and walked over to the window and peered out, watching as cars sped by on the distant highway and people walked about in front of the hospital. "Natasha.... She isn't ready to let me go. She even told Serenity she was willing to fight her for me. That's what the fight was about after my meltdown in front of Henri's Hangout. She says she had me first, and therefore should have me, but I don't feel that way about her. I mean, don't get me wrong. She's beautiful, smart, sassy, and witty, and I'm damned attracted to her and I love her with all my heart, but I could never love her in that way."
"Does she know that?"
I stole glance at her before turning away again. "I've tried telling her that."
"But you keep sleeping with her. You understand that gives her the wrong idea, right?"
I nodded, pressing my head against the glass and closing my eyes. The cool surface helped to ease the headache I could feel building up behind my eyes. "Yeah. I understand. And that's the problem. How do I stop?"
"Do you think you're addicted to sex, Rae?"
"No. Not addicted to the act itself. More like addicted to the escape it gives me from my life. I don't have to worry about anything but making her come as hard as possible." I dug my thumb into the scar, wincing at the sharp stab of pain I felt. There were still pieces of glass embedded in it. "I can just turn my mind off and just feel. Enjoy the sensations sweeping my body off the ground. I can forget that I'm stuck in my own self-imposed purgatory."
The room was quiet for a while, the only sound being the hum of the A/C. I waited for her to say something, but when the seconds turned to minutes, I finally turned around and found her just watching me. Her gaze seemed to look right through me and see what few people actually knew about.
"I won't ask about the panic attack because I'm certain it's reasons are the same as the ones from the storm. So, we'll just keep moving forward." She motioned for me to return to my seat and I did so reluctantly. "Serenity had an accident. Is she alright?"
I nodded. "She's fine. A little malnourished and sleep-deprived, but she'll live. She got away with some bumps and bruises, but no lacerations or broken bones."
"Okay. You thought she was dead though. What made you come to such a conclusion?"
I shrugged, staring down at my palm. "I don't know. She wasn't responsive and she wouldn't move. I thought I was too late again. That history had repeated itself and that everyone I loved was doomed to die by my hand." It took me moment to realize I'd said too much. Wide eyed, I met Dr Lee's eyes and could practically see the wheels turning.
When she opened her mouth to speak, my body tensed, ready for the inevitable questioning. "So, you left and slept with Natasha?"
I blew out a breath I didn't realize I was holding, but looked her in the eye. I could see that she had questions, but that she'd reined them in, understanding that I wasn't ready to talk about it yet. "Yeah. I slept with her."
"Did you enjoy it?"
"I did. But, it was pure lust. Lust and grief. A lethal combination when it comes to me." I flexed my fingers, feeling the miniscule glass shards shifting as I did so. "More than once, my mind tried to imagine she was Serenity. Twice, I almost called her Serenity. I really am a head case, aren't I?" I asked her.
She shook her head, giving me an understanding smile. "Everyone deals with their grief in their own way. You do it by sleeping with others, in hopes that it's all a dream and you'll wake up with her beside you." Her gaze shifted over to the picture of her and her family. "When I lost my husband and daughter, every night for six years, I'd go back to where the accident happened and drink myself into a stupor. And every anniversary, I'd put a gun in my mouth, and I'd pull the trigger. Every damn time, I forgot to remove the safety. I could never try to shoot myself a second time, so I told myself I'd try again next year." She took a deep, cleansing breath and wiped at her eyes. "Eight years after the accident, here I am today, trying to help others who understand the pain I went through."
The tears were streaking down my face now as I stared at my hand. My chest throbbed and my other hand came up to rub at it, hoping to ease the ache. My throat closed up and my nose burned as the memories played out in my head on repeat. I clamped my eyes shut, a sob slipping through my lips as the weight on my shoulders seemed to triple. My body shook as sob after sob ripped through me, and my ears rung.
"You're holding in so much pain and self-loathing, Raeshawn. It's starting to take its toll on you. Why don't you just let someone in? You say it yourself that your family already hates you. Why would clearing the air make it worse?" I couldn't see her through the tears, but I felt it when she sat down next to me. "When you've already hit rock bottom, there's only one way to go, and that's up."
I'm not sure how long we sat there, me crying and her just silently listening. But when I'd finally run out of tears, the sun had set and it was dark out. I stood up, wiping at my face and turned to Dr Lee. "Thanks for listening to me, Doc."
"It's no problem. It's kind of my job. What about Serenity though? What are you going to do?"
I shook my head, my hands clenching into fists. "I don't know. I'll just have to wait her out, I suppose. Pretty sure I screwed up our chances though."
Dr Lee stood up and grasped my arm, giving it a gentle squeeze. "Don't count yourself out just yet. If you two really love each other, you'll find a way."
We said our goodbyes and then I was skulking through the halls again. I made sure to go the long way around so as to avoid passing Serenity's room and went outside. The air was very cool, which alluded to the possibility of snow this year. Now, I wish I'd grabbed a jacket before leaving the house. I sat on a bench outside the hospital, my teeth chattering and pulled out my phone. I dialed a number I hadn't used in years and waited as it rung.
"Dominique?"
"Hey, mom. Can you please come get me from the hospital?" I felt a lump appearing in my throat as I spoke. "I don't want to drag Junior from his friends and I really want to go to bed."
The line was silent for a long time before Carey answered. "Get out of the cold air, Dominique. You're not Superwoman. I swear you and your father are two peas in a pod. I'll be there in forty-five minutes."
I did as asked and went back inside to wait. She got here in thirty-nine minutes. I climbed into the front passenger seat of the ford truck. I buckled my seatbelt and then met her eyes.
She looked me over, her gaze softening a little. "You've been crying."
"Therapy session."
She nodded slowly, as if it explained everything. "I'm assuming you made a breakthrough." She pulled out of the parking lot. Traffic was decent for once, and it looked like it wouldn't take much time to get home.
I shrugged, rubbing at my palm. "Something like that. Just some more stuff I've gotta work through. Mostly just me being a goddamn idiot."
"An idiot, hunh? How so?" she asked, glancing at me before looking back at the road.
I sat back in my seat, staring at cars as we passed them. "When Serenity got injured, I was the one who found her." When Carey's startled gaze met mine, I shrugged. "I freaked out. I called 911 and tried to wake her, but she wasn't responding. Not even a groan of pain. I thought she was dead. I stayed with her til the paramedics got there, and then I bolted. I went to Natasha's house and I had sex with her all night. And then I get a call from Jordan telling me that Serenity was going to be okay." I closed my eyes, resting my head back on the headrest. "You and Lexi were right. I do fuck up everything. I'm sorry you're stuck with me. I wish things could be different, but I can't change what I've done and who I've done it to. I wish there was a way I could do it all over again."
The rest of the ride home was silent. I could feel her eyes on me, especially when we were stopped at a light, but I didn't meet her gaze. When she parked the truck in the driveway, I muttered a thank you before going inside and locking myself in my room. I lay on my stomach, my face buried in the pillow. At some point, I dropped into a light sleep. I remember someone coming into my room and gently brushing my hair out of my face and pressing a kiss to my forehead before whispering goodnight.
I woke the next morning feeling as if I hadn't slept a wink. I forced myself up to take a shower and brush my teeth before heading downstairs in search of food. I found Joe and Carey in the kitchen cooking breakfast together. They both looked up as I walked in.
"Morning." I said.
"Good morning, Rae." Joe answered, pressing a kiss to my forehead. I could feel the three-day old scruff on his face as he pressed his lips against my skin.
"How'd you sleep, sweetheart?" Carey asked as she flipped a pancake. Joe turned and stared at her as if he'd never seen her before.
"I slept okay. Not as well as I would've liked, but better than usual. You?" I responded, walking over to the refrigerator and grabbing the orange juice.
"Very well, thank you." She reached into a cabinet and handed me a plate. "Go ahead and eat. I know you haven't eaten since breakfast yesterday." I obeyed the gentle command and went work piling my plate high with food. "Did you talk to the doctor about your next appointment?"
"No, but I think I'm going to need to make some more appointments." I told her as I took a seat at the island. "I think it's going to take more than six sessions to fix me."
Joe sat down next to me, his gaze shifting back and forth between us. "That's a very mature decision to make, sweetheart. What brought it on?"
I finished a bite of pancake before responding. "I had an impromptu meeting with Dr Lee yesterday after my big 'break up' with Serenity. I realized I have a lot of issues to work through if I want to have an actual relationship with someone." I scooped up some eggs and bacon and put the fork in my mouth as I thought about what to tell them. When I'd swallowed, I continued. "There's just too much going on in my head to have a healthy relationship with Serenity or anyone for that matter. And the fact that I sleep with other people to deal with my problems prevents me from being able to commit to someone without hurting them. I don't want to be dependent on someone to be happy. I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask?"
Joe shook his head. "No, of course not."
"It takes time to do though, Rae. Are you ready for that?" Carey asked, putting the stove top on low so she could focus all her attention on me. This must be how Lexi felt all these years. Having a mother who gave a damn about you. Feels kinda nice. "There's a lot of hard work and self-discipline involved on the road to getting better. Are you prepared to go through that?"
I dropped my gaze to my stomach, the scar just below my breasts out of sight. "I just don't want to wanna die anymore." I felt the change in their demeanors as they watched me.
"You want to die?" Carey asked, her voice soft.
I nodded, not wanting to voice it again.
"I don't understand much about being depressed, Rae, but there has to be a reason for it, right?" she asked, her eyes searching mine. "Why would you want to die?"
"To make things right."
"To make what right, Rae?" Joe asked, his voice a little higher than normal. "Just because you cheated on your girlfriend doesn't mean you can kill yourself over it."
I shook my head, knowing they wouldn't understand my reasons unless I told them the full story. Unfortunately, I'm not ready for that just yet. I stood up and placed my empty plate into the sink. "Thanks for breakfast, you guys. I'm gonna go for a walk."