Chapter 35
The phone rings from it's place on the coffee table. The vibration easily irritates me to the point where I have to pick it up. The time says midnight, but what the hell I'm awake. I only just got home an hour ago from the hospital, so sure, I'll pick the stupid phone up.
"He-" I start to say before I'm cut off.
"What did you tell Clark?" Joey's boisterous voice seems to wake me up from the remaining sleep that had clouded my eyes.
"What do you mean 'What did I tell Clark'?"
"He was here when I came home. Your little boyfriend had a shit fit and started yelling at me about being unfaithful to Emma?"
Oh no, Clark. Why?
"I swear to you," I say, sitting up and stretching out my back. I turn off the T.V as well before answering. "Clark asked me about it, and I told him that you were having girl troubles but-"
"Alex! But nothing! It's actually a good enough reason to assume I'd cheat on Emma! You're lucky she went into the house before she heard any of that!"
I put my glasses on, then, rub my eyes to rid the fogginess from them. I tell Joey, "Why is this such a big deal? You told him you weren't cheating, which you're technically not, so why does he assume and seem so sure that you are or did?"
I hear Joey's breathing through the phone, trying to figure out what it is he has to say. What's this all about, why does Clark seem to think that Joey would cheat on her?
"Because I did it in college," he finally breathes out.
I don't know whether to laugh or be completely astonished. So I laugh. "Haha, yeah right, Joey, very funny!"
He's not laughing. And he's not joking.
"Alex," he whispers furiously. "What the hell do you think this is, some sick joke?"
I hear him walking around inside his house, so he must have passed Emma. She's all moved in now, did it while Joey was at Jessie. She sounds like she's made herself right at home.
"No, I think all of this is. You cheated on some chick in college? What the hell, Joey? I thought you were close to tell me if something like this happened. Why didn't you tell me this?"
"It was Clark's girlfriend."
I actually drop the phone from my hand. No wonder Clark never seemed to want to have sex with anyone. It doesn't surprise me anymore. It doesn't shock me that he doesn't want to go around gloating about his sex life. How much do I want to make a bet that Clark was planning on sleeping with that girl before she cheated on him with my best friend?
"You did...what?" I manage to say when the phone is back against my ear. "You cheated on Clark's ex? What...what the fuck, Joey?"
A car door slams on his end of the phone. "I know, I know, I'm a horrible person. Please listen to me."
"Everything makes sense to me now. Why Clark...why we haven't had sex yet. Because he's afraid to. It was your fault?" I stand now, beginning to pace against the floor. I feel the dull throb from my gash - or maybe it's the appendix scar - pissing me off. Dammit. It doesn't help that I feel guilty for lying to Joey. It explains though, why he was never looking for sex unless the girl was serious.
It also explains why he always has this look...he's afraid I'm gonna cheat on him because that's what happened last time. He thinks I'm going to run to Dylan. But I stole his virginity...oh God, I need to sit again.
"How does he even look you in the eyes every day?" I'm stuck between upset and angry, I can't choose how I feel.
"You don't think I've been apologizing for years? She came to me, and she told me that the two of them had broken up, when in reality, she just wanted sex, not a relationship. She said Clark refused to put out. We went out, got drunk and the next thing I knew...
"Look, she tossed me aside as quickly as she threw aside your boyfriend. She wanted sex. That's it. So when he said he heard that me and her had sex...God you should have seen it. It was horrible."
I can't believe anything I'm hearing from Joey's side. No longer is the anger there, but the regret. But should I feel sorry for Joey? Probably. Do I? Absolutely not.
"Tell me why you're angry he showed up at your door then," I say, not wanting to continue talking about how my best friend hurt my boyfriend.
A car honking on Joey's end of the conversation causes me to jump. "What the hell are you doing?!" I shout.
"Driving."
"Well that sure as hell explains it," I say sarcastically.
Standing again, I go to the bathroom for an aspirin. My side aches again and now I have a raging headache. "Look, I'm not going to just forgive you now. I can't believe you never told me or Nicki in college that you did this."
Silence.
"You told Nicki didn't you?"
"About a week after you guys started to date."
"You fucking-" I stop, taking the aspirin to calm down. "What the hell, Joey?"
"I have a more important question, like why the hell did you tell Clark I'm having girl problems? Couldn't you just leave well enough alone? I'm struggling every day to make the choice between these two girls, and you interfering-"
"I'M DOING WHAT?!" I shout. "Excuse me, Joesph Micheal Richter! You're the one who came to me when you couldn't decide between our best friend or Emma! You're the one who went and got Nicki pregnant! You're the one who fucked up in the first place! Don't drag me down with you!"
Silence again. Of course.
"You shouldn't have said anything," he finally responds. "You shouldn't have said anything."
"So when my boyfriend, whom I care about, asks why you are always by Nicki's side, and then asks why Nicki is really in the hospital, do you want me to lie?"
"Did you tell him Nicki's pregnant?!" He sounds frantic and ready to scream at me if need be.
"No!" I sigh loudly and make my way out of the bathroom and back into the main room to get myself a beer. I'm up, I'm pissed, and I want a beer. "I told him that you were having girl troubles and then he ran off on his own theories."
I recount our conversation in the hospital earlier tonight, but to no avail am I able to calm down a steaming mad Joey. I hear several car noises, and am slightly annoyed that Joey's driving while talking to me. I always have this feeling that when I or anyone gets into a car it'll be just like with my parents. They'll get it, they'll drive away.
And then they don't come back.
"I need to learn boundaries?!" That's the one thing Joey seems to pick up on when I tell him what Clark said.
"Jesus Christ, Joey, it's fucking half past midnight and I have a headache can you not scream in my ear please?"
"Chill, Alex."
I love how I'm the one who needs to chill.
Another car door slam on his end.
"Seriously, what the hell are you doing?" I ask him.
There's a long pause, as if Joey's contemplating whether or not to tell me what he's doing. I take another sip of my beer as I wait for his answer, and stare out the large window. The lights in the city seem to streak the city with the high rise buildings shimmering, the freshly fallen snow making everything it's usual winter wonderland in January. It's freezing, yet beautiful. Like snow is.
I look at the clock on the wall. 12:35 is what it reads. Joey's been silent a full three minutes, which leaves me to thinking he hung up on me. But he hasn't, I can still hear him breathing on the other end.
"I'm lost."
"Do you need directions from where you are, Joey? I'll help you."
"I'm lost because I still don't know. Nicki or Emma. How can a choice like this be so hard? Shouldn't the person I love make me feel all strong and confident? Like anything in the world shouldn't matter unless they're there? Because...I don't just feel it for one girl, I feel it for the both of them. And if either of them knew this was happening, oh my god what would they do? What would they say to me?"
Nicki would probably jump into your arms and kiss you until the end of the century.
"I don't know." Is what I really say.
A sharp knocking on my apartment catches my attention. "Hang on, Joey, someone's at the door." There's some strange echo going on. "Where are you?"
Opening the door, the answer stares me in the face. "I'm here," Joey whispers.
Then, something completely uncharacteristic of Joey happens. With tears already in his eyes, he begins breaking down, and falls into my arms, loud sobs erupting from within him.
"Oh, Joey," I whisper back, stroking him. He cries harder than I've seen him ever in his life. My stomach forms horrible, painful knots as I close the door with my foot and lead Joey to the couch. I hold him, comfort him, but he doesn't stop crying. His tears pour down his face and his woes come out in sputters. Oh Joey.
We stay like that for a good thirty minutes. I just hold Joey as he lets out everything he has within him. How does love do this to a person? How does it eat you up to the point where you could just collapse at any moment without any type of notice? How is Joey even coping with this? I know what I want him to do. He has to tell Emma it's over, he's got to go back to Nicki. The two of them are in love with each other, they know it, they feel it. But Joey...he got himself too deep with Emma, he can't really think that by trying to ignore his feelings for Nicki they'll eventually go away. He's so naive that way. I want to hold him and tell him it's all going to be okay.
But I can't even tell him that lie.
I can't look Joey in the eyes and lie to him like that.
"I lied earlier," I tell him, my own tears starting to fall. When he looks up at me, my heart breaks a little more and I know I have to tell Joey the truth. "I lied. Clark's not a virgin. We had sex last month. On tour. In Chicago."
I can tell he's not as upset as he was before, that's for sure. But he's not happy.
"You...what?" he asks me between his sniffles. "You did what?"
I decide it's time he knows why. "I needed to prove to myself something when I did it. There was so much up in the air at the time, and by having sex with Clark it cleared the rainstorm. I understand now that the person I thought I wanted wasn't the person, but it was Clark. And that's why I had to do it."
Okay I'm lying a little bit, and I know it. Everyone still tells me I have to break up with Clark basically every damn day and be with Dylan. But lately it's been decreasing, the number of times people tell me to break up with him. I think people are finally beginning to understand that Clark and I, we're real. And we both like each other. I really care about Clark.
A lot.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Joey asks, searching my face for some type of answer that I can give.
Because then it would fuck everything up, duh.
"Because I didn't think my sex life, or Clark's for that matter, was anyone's business."
Standing and wiping his eyes with the backs of his hands, Joey's face resonates something that isn't sadness anymore. More like hurt and anger. "Who knows? Don't say no one, because I'm not stupid, Alex."
I sigh. "Lauren, Walker, Darren and Dylan."
He huffs and throws his hands up in frustration. Walking towards my kitchen. "Oh of course! Dylan knows! Dylan always knows!"
"The hell is that supposed to mean?!" Gone is my resentment of lying to Joey and in place is my anger. "You wanna fight me, Joey? You really think you can compare your problems to mine? I'd like to see you try."
"What is it about Dylan that you're so fascinated by? I thought you were with Clark!"
"You're the one who just said that Clark shouted at you! Said he came to your house and yelled at you. Whose fucking side are you on?!"
"My side! A side that points me in the right direction!"
"Well guess what, Joey?!" I'm shouting now. Both of us are. "Just because you got fucking beef with my boyfriend and you've got your own relationships problems doesn't give you permission to come to my house at fucking one in the morning and cry about it!"
Joey takes a few steps away from me, turns and then, flips one of the chairs sitting at the small kitchen table. "Goddammit, Alex!"
"What?!" I shout back when he doesn't continue.
"What the fuck is wrong with us?!"
...Holy shit. I don't have an answer.
"I mean..." Joey throws his hands up and then they clap back at his sides in an attempt to find his words. "Huh," he says, trying to run his hands through his hair again. "What the hell?"
"I don't know."
I sit down on my soft couch, the same couch that held a sleeping Nicki many months ago when I first discovered she was having a secret going on with Joey. The same couch that I sat on for a long time when I was going through my depression before Christmas. The same couch that I had sat Clark down on our first date in New York afterwards. The same couch that I took from my parents house.
This couch means so much more than I'm willing to admit.
I pull my knees up and hug them to my chest, feeling like a little ball.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to think. I don't know.
My cell rings again and I look over at it sitting on the coffee table again. Joey stares at it in confusion. "Who the hell is calling you this late?"
"That's the same thing I wondered when you called me," I snap at him as I get up to check it. He cowers a bit as I pick it up. There's no ID.
"Hello?"
"You're not going to hide forever. Don't think just because you're happy now it'll stay that way."
And that's it. The phone goes dead as I look from Joey to the floor. My eyes are wide, I know it. I can feel it. And my heart is pounding hard inside my chest.
"What? Alex? Who was it?"
I'm honest, though not as terrified when I speak. "I don't know. Wrong number."
When Joey finally leaves an hour later, completely purged of all his feelings and I, mine, I take the half gone beer to my bedroom with me. Too bad there's not enough in this place for me to drown my sorrows in for the rest of the night. It's always better when I have beer to talk to. It never wants to talk about it's feelings, and it never complains. Beer is my best friend.
I slither into my pj's and get under the covers, completely aware of how awake I am right now. The clock on my nightstand reads 2:18AM. Ugh. Great. I wasted so much time with Joey, I think to myself, That my schedule's gonna be fucked up tomorrow. I have to be at the hospital tomorrow for Nicki, then go to Airport for Birds rehearsal, then go to lunch with Clark, look for costumes for some of the shows and that's just in the morning.
I put my beer on the nightstand and pull of my glasses. I start to lie down.
I also need to find out if Darren's writing the music for our opening skit, if he finished the song he promised me, if Clark remembered to order the forms for the A4B merch, if Nick and Matt need help with the writing of the show...
I wake up with a massive headache. Goddammit. The beer wasn't even three fourths of the way finished, why does this always happen?!
My phone is dinging over and over and over again and I cover my eyes and grab it, oblivious to the fact that there isn't even any sunlight streaming in.
6:48AM. Are you kidding me?! I only slept for four hours??
But the dinging from my phone continues to go, and it's completely obnoxious.
What could someone want at this time?
The texts, I see, are all from Clark.
And immediately, I can tell he's drunk off his ass. Oh baby.
Clark: Hey hot thing.
Clark: Babe, why aren't you responding?
Clark: Have I ever told you how beautitful and amazing you are?
Clark: But don't tell anyone, cause I don't want them to take you from me!
Clark: Hey, remember when we had sex? We should try doing that again!
Clark: Hey, we don't even need to take off our clothes! Let's have sex, CLOTHED!
Clark: LOL I'm hilarious! :) You know you love me!
Clark: Hey, check it out, Joey's texting me. He seems mad! I wonder why?
Clark: What happens when a cute guy and girl meet? They have sex! Haha, trick question!
They keep going. And as they go, they get worse. Like, really graphic. So graphic I'm not going to tell you about it. It's like, really bad.
I silence my phone in an attempt to get the texts to stop pouring in. They're still coming right now.
Goddammit, what did Clark do?
Knocking on the front door to his apartment, I shudder in the below freezing hallway. For some reason this hallway decided to be absolutely freezing cold.
He comes to the door with his shirt off, his belt undone, and his hair a complete mess. The beer in his hand says it all. He's still drunk. Clark's smile turns into the widest grin I've ever seen from him. "Hey," he slurs. "What's up baby doll?"
Flashbacks. That's what's up.
"Clark...honey...what are you doing?" I ask him as I stand on his stoop.
"Greeting my fine-ass honey at the door, that's what!" He bends over and hugs me, the alcohol wafting him reeking.
"Clark!" I push him away and run into his apartment.
He turns and looks at me, my braid whipping me in the face as I turn to him as well. "What's wrong baby?" He seems genuinely upset.
I look around his apartment and can tell that something really has shaken him up. Because there is about five or six empty beer bottles stern across the floor.
"Why?" It's the only logical response I can give Clark right now. Why is he drunk? Why has he had more than five bottles of beer? Why was he drunk texting me to the point I woke up and now I'm in his apartment at barely 7:30 in the morning? These are the questions I'd rather ask. But I don't
"What possessed you to go to Joey's place last night?" I ask, still incredulous.
"Whatcha mean?" He replies with a ghoulish grin. Jesus Christ, Clark you're being a drunken ass.
"I mean," I say, taking the beer from his unsteady hand. "Why do you seem to be so dead set on Joey cheating on Emma with Nicki?"
"Oh that," Clark says, turning around. "Where's my shirt? Oh wait, I left it on the couch!"
As his feet patter on the floor, a flashback corrupts my vision.
The first weeks Jeff started to drink after his father died.
"Alex where's my backpack? I can't find it."
Jeff was sitting on my dorm couch while Nicki and I studied. Barely looking up I replied to him, "Did you leave it on the couch?"
"Found it! It was on the couch."
This made Nicki laughed again at that comment, and I rolled my eyes.
I picked my head up to see Jeff get up and grab himself another beer out of my mini fridge. He was lucky that I had just turned 21 last month and I wasn't going to get in trouble for those beers being stored in my dorm room. It was a hot April day, and the sun was causing our room to be stuffy. So the three of us in that room was making me really iratiable and I really just wanted to be anywhere but there at that moment. It was uncharacteristically hot for an April day in PA. I still remmeber how the weather was called to be 75 and sunny. Jeff had visited for the weekend since he was taking the week off from his fathers death on Sunday. Now Saturday, Jeff still hadn't done anything, just drank and begged me to fuck him basically every night. And every night he was drunk. I refused everytime.
"What's this?" Jeff asked me as he picked up my philosophy paper that sat on the coffee table.
"My paper for Professor Brinker, why?" I asked as I looked back at my notes.
Then, the first of many unfortunate events leading up to our break up occurred. Jeff hurled. Right there, on the floor and my paper. My hand-written, four page paper.
Nicki laughed, though I didn't see the amusement like she did.
"Fuck," I heard Jeff say. "Sorry babe."
I probably looked mortified at the occurrence. I remember wanting to punch him in the face for that. I remember I wanted to scream, cry or do both. I didn't. "Can you call a janitor, Nicki?" I'd said instead. She obeyed my request and I took my hard worked on paper and distastefully picked it up by two fingers before putting it into the trash can. Then I took Jeff's hand and led him to the small kitchen sink for him to clean himself up.
"You can't keep doing this. You binge until you throw up. It's happened more than once now, Jeff. Please."
"Alex..." His normal voice had returned, making it clear he was sobering up now. "I'm sorry."
"I love you," I had whispered. "And I want to marry you, but please, Jeff. Please learn to control it."
He had looked me in the eyes, kissed my forehead (which is gross since he just threw up everywhere) and then took my hands. "I'll do anything for you, Alex."
And he lied.
"Why?" I seem startled by my own voice. "Why did you feel the need to drink more than one beer tonight, Clark?"
Sitting and putting his shirt back on, Clark doesn't reply, but starts humming some tune I've never heard before. "Clark!!" I shout again, causing him to turn to me slowly.
"Hey," he says, his eyes finding a new light to them. "I have an idea."
He comes to my side and presses his face against mine, beginning to kiss me roughly. He tries to grab my Starkid sweater that I had thrown on when I was looking for something to wear, trying to pry it off my face. But I'm too quick, and I push him off, nearly knocking my glasses off with him.
"What the hell are you doing?! I'm not here for a fucking booty call, Clark!"
"What's so up your ass?" Clark asks, angry now. "Who says we can't have sex? Joey can have sex with whoever he wants, you can choose to have sex with me when it's convenient for you. Meanwhile here I am, little Clark Baxtresser, never getting anything unless it's good for everyone else! So I'm sorry if I thought you were here because you wanted to make love to your fucking boyfriend! Sorry I can't be perfect for you!"
He storms into his bedroom, his bedroom door slamming painfully loud.
But it's not even ten seconds until he storms back in the room. "Do you know what I put up with day in and day out? I have to watch Joey with Emma, their perfection. And then Nicki's added to the equation...somehow. I don't know what's going on there, but something is. And then you are always out with Dylan when you and I are clearly a couple! Like, what the fuck, Alex? Are you even committed to this relationship like I am?"
I'm literally five seconds away from slapping you, Clark. Watch your mouth. "How fucking dare you."
"Tell me, Alex. Why do you always seem less into this relationship than I am?"
"I'M IN THIS RELATIONSHIP ONE HUNDRED PERCENT, CLARK!" I shout louder than I have all night. Louder than when Joey and I were talking. Louder than I've shouted in a while. I'm completely steamed now, I'm so pissed off. "You know what? You're acting exactly like Jeff does to me when he's drunk! Did you know, everything you just did now, before you fucking blew up? That's exactly what he did! And you seem to think I'm not committed to this fucking relationship? Are you going to dictate who I can and can't be friends with now too, Clark? You're going to be that boyfriend? Tear me away from my best friends? Then fuck you, Clark. Fuck you. I'm not committed? How's this for not committed? Want to break up?"
The words leave my lips before I have time to process them. That's not what I wanted to say. I don't want to break up with Clark. I can't break up with Clark. I like him too much.
A lot, actually.
I don't want to break up with him.
"Alex..."
"I...I'm sorry." I want to turn and leave, but Clark has more to say.
"I didn't know that stuff...about Jeff. I always forget that you two had a past together...and that it ended badly. I always just think about the present."
Is he sober?
"I'm not...I don't trust easily. And I'm assuming that Joey told you about college and Olivia. She was my last serious girlfriend, I lied to you in Chicago. I wanted to have sex with her, we'd been dating for six months, and I thought we were ready. But she...she didn't know I was waiting. She went and she cheated on me with Joey.
"That's why I lied to you. I thought if you heard that story...if you heard how the last girl I was really into broke my heart and broke a friendship between me and Joey for years, that you'd think less of me. And that you had just used me for sex, too. How was I able to tell you that?"
He's either admitting this because he's drunk, or he's serious. I can't even tell. But I can tell that the tears in my eyes are fucking real and that my heart is breaking.
It's my turn to kiss Clark, and I hold him, kissing him with as much love, passion and kindness I can muster.
I look into Clark's eyes when we're finished.
It's like the world disappears around us as his adorable smile returns to his face. He gives me the old Clark look that I fell for in the beginning. He never ceases to amaze me, how much we can shout at each other and then make up as quickly as we do. How is it we can suffer so easily and then make up with a kiss? How words can mend but break us so quick?
Is...is this love? Real love, rather than what I thought I shared with Jeff for so long? No, no, that was love, that really was. But is this, what I have with Clark right here, is this our version of love?
I don't have to continue guessing because then Clark says to me, "Maybe it's the booze confessing this so quickly, Alex, but I think I've known it for the last two months. I...I love you."
I realize that saying this is going to change everything. Change how we are, change what can come of the two of us, change...change everything. I know that if I say this, I can't go back on it. I can't lie about it, I can't say I said it out of pressure. I have to say it back so I can confirm once and for all I too, love Clark.
Because I care about him. A lot.
"Clark Baxtresser," I say, hugging him. "I love you, too."
"I promise," Clark says as he holds me tight. "That I will be ten times the man Jeff ever was to you. I promise not to let my past get in the way of how I see the future. And I promise," he lets go of me and looks into my eyes. "That I will love you. No matter the flaws, the weaknesses, the pain you feel. I love you, Alex."
I kiss him again, putting my hand on the back of his head and pressing my lips firmer into his.
Letting go, our noses touch as our heads are slightly arched together. "I think we should continue this in the bedroom."
Chuckling, Clark's hand finds mine. But we stay standing the way we are for a moment longer. When we finally begin walking, Clark's smile lights up the room like a ball of sunshine, and I know I made the right choice in telling him.
It wasn't Dylan, it never was. The moment I met Clark, I knew it.
"I love you," I tell Clark as he shuts his bedroom door.
Ripping off his shirt in anticipation, Clark replies to me with a sexy whisper, "I love you too, Alex Rose."
A/N: Oh shit just got fucking real here.
Yep. Love. You read it right. What the fuck were you thinking was coming? MWAHAHA!!
Happy Easter weekend! I have Friday-Monday off. Yes, it's called Spring Long Weekend. This is what happens when a) you get 9 snow days and they take your Thursday and b) they don't want to give you a full week anyways. Stupid district.
So. This chapter though. Man. That was fucking weird. Damn Alex just gets herself wrapped up in all these situations. But they never end well, so let's see if her luck turns around, shall we? I'll try to get another chapter up during my time off. Can you believe I have no homework/don't have to go to work and a ton of free time? :D
One more thing: I'm in the Top 10 most read Starkid Fan Fictions on Wattpad!!! I literally went through all 23 pages of Starkid Fan Fics and I'm in the Top 10!!! YAY!! Let's keep it up, shall we? :D
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