They put me in this weird contraption to help me stand. It's supposed to help me learn to walk. "Look," the nurses squeal. Shawn's been gone about two months and my walking is starting to improve, I'm really excited for our wedding. "Look who they brought in." Shawn's mom has been with me for a while she just likes watching me.
"Hi baby," I wave at my little boy. They brought him in, this is the first time I'm allowed to see him since he was born. Shawn and the others went in everyday to check on him. My mom comes in every day regardless of if there's someone else checking on him she likes to make sure he's healthy and always making progress. "Hello," I've also been taking speech therapy and it's helping a lot, soon I'm gonna go through a small surgery to make sure as can be proper and then they say I should be normal again.
"Look at how he's grown," his mom smiles at me. "He looks a lot better now," he's still tiny but they're gonna let Brooke and Geoff bring him home.
"Hi," Brooke walks in standing next to me. "We're bringing him home today." She smiles and I nod.
"You'll take good care of him?" I stare down at the little boy I'll never be allowed to keep.
"Always," she nods very firmly. "I promised Shawn I would and I'll promise you the same." She reassures and I nod.
"You'll let me see them lots won't you?" Tears fill my eyes and I just wanna fall down and cry. "Please Brooke they're my babies." She sighs giving me a hug.
"I'm not supposed to let you see them at all." She looks down and I cry really hard. "Not until Shawn's home and I have police clearance." I stare at the little boy in front of me.
"Am I allowed to hold him? Just this one time?" I look around at all of the hospital staff who shake their heads at me. "Please," I let a tear fall against his one piece.
"You're not allowed." My physical therapy instructor sighs.
"Come here love," his mom gives me a tight hug and I watch them give him to Brooke telling her to leave quickly. I didn't even get to see his eyes, I can't tell who he looks like and I can't see him, Shawn won't be back for a few years and this is only month two of maybe twenty four without seeing my kids, they'll have all forgotten about me by the time I can have them back.
-
"We told you it was a really bad idea," Ian sighs while Chrissy and I watch a movie. I haven't payed attention to anything happening in the movie I've just been listening to Ian as I know Chrissy is doing too. "It's all getting worse." He groans. "She loves you too much," his voice is weak and I look down. "Just come visit her."
"Visit home?" Nothing more will form, I just can't do it, no matter how hard I'm trying. Chrissy gives me the same distressed look I know I'm displaying.
"What?" She pouts at me and I cover my mouth.
"Visit home," it sounds like every word is tripping over my tongue and it's not fun to be like this. Soon it all goes back and everything I've worked for is gone. I can't see very well anymore so I have to put my glasses back on and the half waddle I could do is nothing anymore. I just fall flat against the ground, hitting my head down again giving me an excuse for this behaviour.
"Back to square one," Ian sighs lifting me up. They give me this horrible apologetic look, the same one Shawn gave me when he left. No one wants me around, I'm too much to deal with, that's probably why Shawn left.
"No Ian you're not even considering it." She hits his shoulder. "Ian we promised him we'd take care of her through thick and thin." I curl myself in a ball, I don't want them to fight because of me.
"Maybe we can't care for her like he wants us to, maybe we'll just be doing what's best for them." He shrugs and she sniffs.
"How could you say that." She turns to me, staring deep into my eyes she can see my fear and I know he can too but I also know he wants what's best for me.
"Tomorrow," I nod. "Gone," I sniff doing the best to wipe the tears I shed. "Nathan bring me to hospital." I nod reaching for the phone I can't use.
"No, no it's ok sweetie," Chrissy reassures. "You'll stay here until Shawn gets home." She nods and Ian shakes his head.
"She's right Chrissy, she needs a hospital." But when Chrissy looks at him she cries bringing him into the kitchen.
"Shawn left her in our care with what seems to be no intention of coming back, she has no where else to go, she can't see her kids she can't even live the life I know you wanted for her. She needs love not surgery." I barely payed attention to any of it. No intention on coming back? He promised me he'd come back to get me, and he promised me a wedding, a nice wedding with my big white dress and everyone there he can't not come home.
"What do you wanna do babe?" Ian sits next to me bringing me into his lap. "Do you wanna visit Nathan? Do you wanna stay here?"
"Hospital," I nod at him with tear filled eyes. "Nathan, hospital." I nod trying to explain that I'll make Nathan take me to the hospital.
"I'll take you princess." He brings me to the room I have. I have it to myself and I hate that but there's no where else for me to go. I just lay on top of the teddy bear I have and pretend it's Shawn. Our wedding was the only reason I wanted to get better.