Camila always believed that fame was one of those things that she will never tire of, no matter how many paparazzo she fights, nor how busy her life becomes. Fame, applause... She lived for those things like Tinkerbell, and she wanted nothing more than to live the Broadway dream by breathing in the cries of the crowd at her job well done.
She stares at the ceiling of her empty apartment. In her arm chair, a tumbler of chai tea in her hand, no artificial means could seem to warm her. Despite being dressed in her warmest knit sweater, Camila still shivered. She rubbed her hands along her arms, but it did nothing, so she wrapped herself in a blanket.
The heat was broken.
One letter masked what is truly wrecked. One letter made all the difference.
Each time she allowed herself the downtime to think, Camila's imagination often wandered to Lauren. She wanted to know how many women she had touched in a day. How many cried out her name as they came. But in all honesty, thinking about it only enabled annoyance and a rage she had no idea how to control.
Camila didn't want to think about Lauren being with anyone else but her.
In frustration, Camila got up and shrugged on her winter coat. After sending Dinah a quick text, they agreed to meet up in their favorite diner. A quick bus ride later, Camila sat on a booth and played Candy Crush on her phone while she waited.
"Hey, what's wrong? That was a pretty urgent-sounding text." Dinah asked, pink-cheeked and breathless as she slid in the booth in front of Camila. "And I hope you're ready to face Normani's wrath." She tucked her phone back in her purse and locked her fingers on the table.
"I just needed to get out of the house. All this idle time is not good for me. Ever since we finished filming the movie, I have too much free time on my hands." Camila sucked in a sharp breath to slow down the flood of words she wanted to speak. "I'll give Normani a gift basket or something to make up for this."
"I get that." Dinah nodded sagely, patting Camila's hand before ordering coffee for herself. "But in two weeks you'd be wishing you appreciated that alone time more."
Camila nodded. "I know." She nibbled the inside of her bottom lip. "How's Lauren?"
It was the first time in weeks that Camila spoke her name out loud, and it was easier than she thought, like an incantation she memorized long ago. The sound of Lauren's name in her own voice still had the same effect—pleasant with the aftertaste of missing her. She watched Dinah's features as she took her time adding cream and sugar to her cup.
"She's fine, why do you ask?"
Camila shrugged. "I was just curious, that's all."
Dinah squeezed Camila's hand in hers. "Mila, in another life, I have no doubts that you and Lauren would be good for each other. But in this world, I don't think it's smart to entertain the idea of being in a relationship with Lauren."
"Did she tell you how she feels about me?" Camila demanded, hands clenched into fists. It was hard to hear, but she had to, if only for the peace of her mind.
"She did," Dinah's voice dropped into a low volume that forced Camila to lean in closer in order to hear. "But it's not my position to interfere between you two. Just know that Lauren's feelings for you are real." Hearing this, Camila sat back, wide-eyed and shocked. Dinah smiled. "I've never seen anything affect Lauren the way you do, Camila."
She sipped her coffee, filled with delight at the taste and the satisfying news she just received. She couldn't see any other course of action but to say, "Dinah, what's her address? I need to see Lauren. And soon."
"I can't just do that." Dinah argued. "That's not information that is mine to give, and you agreed not to see her again."
"I can change my mind whenever I want," Camila huffed. "The things I say are not set in stone. And I realize now that it's not that easy to keep me away from someone like Lauren. Someone who makes me feel amazing in more ways than one." Camila closed her eyes, memories of Lauren's effect on her thundering through her like a shotgun to her chest. "With Lauren it's not just happy or sad or pleasure or pain. It's always both. Something complex and hard to name." Camila raised her eyes to Dinah's and saw her baby brown eyes, stark and bright and sympathetic. "Dinah, please."
"Oh god, alright already! You should stop playing on my weakness for happy endings, Walz. It's not fair." Dinah huffed as she scribbled down Lauren's address on a napkin. She slid it across the table and Camila immediately snatched it up.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Camila lunged over the table and hugged Dinah, her elbow almost tipping the ketchup bottle if it weren't for Dinah's lightning fast reflexes. "You're the best, China."
She chuckled and patted Camila on the back. "I know."
Despite Camila's enthusiasm upon receiving Lauren's home address, she was unable to muster up the courage to ride the train to visit her. It took her three days of staring at the piece of crumpled paper, debating and arguing with herself as she paced around her home on whether she should pay Lauren a visit or not.
She understood then that before going to see Lauren, first she must have a conversation with certain people. Like Colson and Elle, for example.
The conversation with Colson was easier than singing notes in their perfect pitch. He continued to support Camila and her romantic endeavours, no matter how small. And when Camila told him that she made up her mind and that she was so ready to see Lauren again, he was nothing but smiles and hugs.
"I'm so proud and happy for you," Colson said after squeezing the air out of Camila. "And I want you to go for it. Let's deal with any dumb scandal—if they even come—later. Besides," he grinned and rubbed the back of his neck. "I kinda just met this girl and we hit it off, so. This is good news to me. I'm still really happy for you, Mila!"
The last person on her list was Elle. Camila bucked up and headed to her office on a particularly warm mid-morning. She unwrapped her scarf from around her neck, regretting missing her train because of her desire to be prepared. The elevator doors hissed open, and Camila rode it up to the highest floor. The marble floors clicked beneath her heels as Camila approached Elle's secretary who nodded to her in acknowledgement.
Camila was allowed in Elle's office within the minute, which was surprising since she was a very busy woman. She sat down on the leather couch and eyed the woman who eyed her back. "It's nice to see you, Camila." Elle began. "How's Colson?"
"Colson's fine." Camila said. "I'm here to simply tell you something, and I don't care what you think or say."
Her thin eyebrow raised, Elle tapped her lacquered nails against her desk. "But by coming here, you obviously need me to hear what you have to say. You made an appointment and everything. How interesting."
Camila clenched her fist, urging herself to not lose control. "I'm going to see Lauren again," she said without any preamble. She was done toeing the lines of what was expected of her and what she wanted to do. She waited long enough. "I've really missed her. I know she feels something for me, and I want to have her in my life."
Elle sighed, her fingers massaging her temples. "As you said, you don't care what I say or think. You don't care that I know more than you. The fact of Lauren's career alone is enough to ruin you, Camila. Do you understand me? News of what she is will leak—jealous ex-girlfriends, her clients... Did you think this through?"
As much as she loathed to admit, no. Camila didn't think this through, and she said so. "But," she insisted. "This isn't something I want to think about. I don't have to be rational over love."
"So you love her?" Elle asked in disbelief. "You have sex with her and what? That's love to you?"
"I admit that we got the order wrong," Camila gritted. Elle was hitting all the sore spots, but she refused to back down; refused to change her mind regarding this. "We had sex first, and we have yet to get to know each other. But I think that I deserve to know what it would be like to be with Lauren. She is a risk I'm willing to take."
Elle said nothing for a few minutes. "Alright, fine. I won't interfere. But don't say I didn't warn you."
Relief flooded Camila, despite her earlier claims. In the end, she needed that approval. She needed to know that she was free to pursue Lauren without interference. "Thank you so much."
-
It was time.
Camila stepped up into the light of the New York's surface to pay Lauren a visit. Dinah, being the majestic help that she was, made sure to text Lauren, asking if she was home. Camila sucked in a wintry cold breath and walked into Lauren's apartment building. The doorman allowed her in, much to Camila's confusion. Nevertheless, she went up to the sixth floor and knocked on the door.
"Come in," she heard someone say from within. Obeying, Camila turned the knob and stepped in Lauren's home. A simply furnished space with oaky tones surrounded by neutral colors, Lauren's apartment was bright and smelled faintly of old leather. Lauren was standing by her desk, leafing through her mail. "Camila."
She whispered Camila's name almost reverently, but Camila didn't want to get her hopes up just yet. Her throat bobbed, and it all felt surreal that after weeks and months reimagining Lauren's features, her presence alone knocked the air out of Camila's lungs. "Lauren."
"Dinah told me you were coming." Lauren smiled. Everything about her looked so easy, from her posture to the way she motioned to the couch. Camila sank on it, the fabric rich with Lauren's ever-present scent. "Three days ago. But today is a good day as any. Do you want coffee or tea?"
"Neither, thanks. I just had some." Camila smiled. Now that she was here, she had no idea how to go about telling Lauren that she wanted to be with her. There seemed no easy way to say it.
"What are you doing here, really? Dinah didn't tell me a reason. She just mentioned that you might pay me a visit." Lauren leaned forward, elbows resting on her knees. "We're not supposed to see each other, remember?"
"Yes, I know." Camila sighed. "But I don't care about any of that anymore. I'm done with the film. They can't fire me anymore without trashing the entire thing. There might be a scandal, but... I really don't care."
Lauren stared at her, green eyes like love in starlight. Camila refused to lose herself in them before she said what she wanted to say. "I'm here because I miss you. Dinah told me that your feelings are realer than anything she has ever seen, and..." Camila swallowed hard. "Lauren, I need to tell you this. You make me feel many things—things that I never thought possible or real. I've always been the good girl in life and love that being with you is so exhilarating and new."
"So you're saying that I'm just one of those experiences you have, like smoking pot or mixing your hard liquor or shoplifting a pair of socks?" Lauren asked, a distinct tightness in her voice. She smiled, like a guitar string pulled taut. "I thought I could be more than that."
"No! That's not what I meant at all!"
Rising from her seat to pace the length of her apartment, Lauren ran her fingers through her hair as if to comfort herself, when Camila wanted nothing more than to be the one caressing, the one comforting. "I understand, I think. After all, people like me are here for cheap thrills. You, Camila, deserve more than what I can offer. We both know it." She stopped in front of Camila, while she looked at her, mouth slightly agape at what she was hearing. "You're afraid that with my job, something like this would happen again. That I would find someone like I found you, right?"
Camila shot up and gripped Lauren's palm. Her hand was clammy and trembling slightly, but she didn't pull back from Camila's steady, warm hand. She pulled her close until their noses were touching and everything in Camila's vision was blurry save for Lauren. "No, Lauren. That's not true. I don't know if I love you, but I know that I can."
The brunette licked her lips as they grazed Camila's lightly. She stepped back and smoothed her shirt out. "I quit my job." Lauren murmured. "Not only because I don't want you to feel like I would ever cheat on you at a drop of a hat, but because I'm tired. Not of sex, but of the lack of stability in my life." Reaching out, she traced the line of Camila's jaw for a brief second. "I'm not really cut out for a life of just sex. I want to try a life of something more than that. And I want you to show me that life."
Camila felt at a loss. She didn't know whether to lunge for Lauren's lips and taste her after weeks of abstinence, or to hold her hand. "Does that mean you... want to be with me?"
The heater cut on, and for a minute its whirring was all Camila could hear. But when Lauren's lips parted as she spoke, Camila heard nothing else. "I do." She whispered. "But I want you to make sure that you want to be with me as much as I do."
"But I'm here, aren't I? I'm here, and I want you." Camila balled her fists. "What more could you want?"
Lauren cupped Camila's fists and pried them open, finger by finger, before kissing her upturned palm. "I want you, for sure. But I need you to know me. Not just how I can make you feel." She smiled and lifted Camila's arms to rest against her shoulders and curl around her neck. She rested her palms on the swell of Camila's hips, causing her to shiver at Lauren's proximity. "And I have an idea. Think of it as our first date."
If Camila had to describe the happiness that swelled within her from Lauren's words, she would describe it in a kiss. For her, words weren't enough, so she tightened her hold on Lauren and devoured her mouth. Camila felt Lauren's smile, and for that moment she forgot how to breathe. "A date sounds great, Lauren."