21 // Pris
The entire night spent with Dani felt magical. We truly reconnected. It was a lot fun, smiles and laughs. I hadn't felt happiness radiate out of her in a while. It was almost weird seeing her like this. I've gotten used to the dry texting and the short sentences. I know it's mostly due to the recovery post-assault but it has really taken a toll on our relationship.
Don't get me wrong. I want to be there for her. But sometimes the best way to be there for someone is to not physically crowd them. Or at least, that's what I assumed Dani needed these past days. I've been hanging out with Arianna, doing my homework and reading actually. I've been reading a lot. It's pretty easy when you're not texting your significant other until 2 a.m.
I've been lying next to her for the past twenty minutes. Her face is still on my chest. I hear her breathe peacefully against me. It's comforting. I'm able to relax and feel at home like I used to. The apartment is totally quiet. Under normal circumstances, that would worry me. There's usually so much noise. Either Alex is hyped up about something random or Blue is laughing. But the assault has even changed the atmosphere in these rooms.
Dani rolls over when the front door of the apartment opens. I hear voices. It's Alex and Tony. They're talking about traveling to Montreal and how clean the apartment is. I turn my head and Dani is yawning.
"Good morning babe," I tell her, sitting up.
"Hey, baby," she says, her eyes half-open.
"How did you sleep?"
"It was all right. Been getting plenty of sleep lately. You?"
"I always sleep well next to you," I answer.
She smiles. I kiss her. We kiss more until we hear a loud knock on Dani's bedroom door. Dani jolts up and yells, "What's up?"
Alex's voice responds, "You good?"
"Yeah, I'm just here with Pris."
"Hey Pris," Tony and Alex yell in unison.
I just laugh, "Hey guys."
There are footsteps that go towards the living room and kitchen. Alex has never been this tolerable, ever. I'm surprised. People really can change I guess.
"How are you feeling?" I ask her.
"Depressed. Hella depressed," she replies, sitting up as well. She scratches her neck, "But a lot better than if I weren't with you."
I smile. We kiss again, except this time, we don't stop. Next thing I know, she's made her way down between my legs again. I can't resist her. She understands my body like I never thought someone could. I always imagined that I'd never be comfortable enough, confident enough or cared for enough to be prioritized in bed. But if Dani's love weren't evident in every smile and small gesture, it is when we have sex. She takes her time, she doesn't leave out one part of my body and she makes me feel safe. I'm never anxious by her side. It makes having fun a lot easier, that's for sure.
I end up satisfied once again. She's left hickeys all over my body and my legs have still not recovered from all of the shivering of last night's sessions. I really hope Alex and Tony didn't hear me. Especially Alex.
"I never asked, but how are you?" Dani asks before licking her lips.
I manage to roll my eyes, even though my body is still in that shaky, euphoric, post-climax phase, "I'm good. Just enjoying it all."
"I bet," Dani says while getting up and throwing on random clothes that are in her dresser. She starts to head towards the door, "I'll be right back."
Before I can say anything, she's long gone. Quick footsteps to the bathroom. Then, the loud sound of someone throwing up. More footsteps of the living room towards the bathroom and concerned voices. I quickly clothe myself with Dani's wardrobe and head out. Alex and Tony are at the bathroom door, looking at Dani hunched over the toilet.
"What's going on?" I ask.
"We don't know. And she's too busy throwing up to tell us," Tony answers. "What were y'all doing?"
I try to remain serious but I start blushing. I can also hear Dani's muffled chuckle.
"Well that's my answer," Tony laughs. He turns to Dani who is now sitting next to the toilet, holding her stomach. "What's happening? Did you eat something?"
"No," Dani breathes out. "Everything's burning."
"Stay by the toilet, I'll get you clean clothing," Tony says before disappearing.
"I'll go buy some sports drinks from the store real quick," Alex says.
Before I know it, I'm alone with Dani. She looks like she's in a lot of pain, despite throwing up so much. My mind is racing. What if she tried to kill herself or something? She's been so depressed lately and I've been worried about possible suicidal thoughts. I didn't know how to bring it up so I stayed silent. It sounds stupid but what if I made her sick? We had just had sex so I hope it's not my fault.
I get on my knees and sit beside her, stroking her face, "What's going on, Dani?"
"I'm so anxious all the time."
"What do you mean?"
"My mind starts racing and I can feel my body build all this adrenaline. It burns my stomach so much because I'm so stressed out. I thought it would pass but it happens more and more often, with more random triggers. I keep wanting to throw up during a panic attack. I've never had to before."
She starts sobbing. This is overwhelming. I didn't realize how intense the mental health issues she was facing were. That was my mistake. I feel like I haven't been understanding her at all lately. I take her into my arms. Tony appears in the doorway with clean clothing, as promised. He stays silent when he sees Dani in my arms. He throws me a considerate look, and puts the clothes on the floor. He walks away.
"We're gonna get through this, okay?" I tell her. I hold her tighter. "We're gonna make it. We're gonna get through all of this."
"Okay," she cries out, with some sniffling.
She leans back, face puffy and shirt covered in bodily fluids. My chest feels cold and wet, so I know it got on the shirt I'm wearing too. I look back up and Tony has brought me clothing. I change really fast, after Tony walks away again. By the time I've put the shirt on, Dani is still staring at her shirt, immobile. I help her get cleaned up.
We settle in the living room. Tony lights up some candles and keeps the rooms dim. He turns the TV on and lets it play on a comedy channel. I can hear him brewing some tea. I'm next to Dani, my fingers going in and out of her hair, while I watch the shows.
Alex opens the door shortly after, arms full of light blue sports drinks, as she said she would. She sets them on the table and I can hear Tony and Alex whispering. I leave Dani on the couch and approach the two.
"Has she said anything to you?" Alex asks me.
"Yeah, it's anxiety and panic attacks that are leading her to this."
"She hasn't been herself lately. I was really worried," Tony says. "She's been unresponsive to text messages. She walks out in the middle of the night for walks that last a few hours. She's been missing classes. And whenever we do catch her in the house, she's locked in her room with food. We need her to seek serious counseling services."
"I agree," I say.
"I don't," Alex says.
She's about to say something else but I interrupt her, "What are the other solutions Alex? You want us to just ride it out? She needs help."
"Therapists don't help. Cops don't help. When will you fucking understand that all of that shit is for show? God, you're so naïve."
I'm ready to start fighting but Tony interrupts, "Alex, that was uncalled for. We all care about Dani. I think Blue's opinion in the matter is important though. If Blue has reservations for professional help, I will agree to not take her. If she agrees, you're gonna have to let this slide Alex."
Alex huffs. I'm horrified that they are weighing out whether or not my girlfriend should seek proper help. Like literally holding a vote. This seems like a given to me. She's struggling with her health. It's impacting her life, in many ways, making her less functional to perform her daily tasks and responsibilities. The answer is so evident to me. Of course, she needs professional counseling! This is just ridiculous.
I don't feel like arguing past this though, so I just go back to Dani.
"What are y'all talking about?" Dani asks me, not looking at my face. Her face is blank.
"Finding solutions for what's going on with you," I answer, still gazing at her.
"I don't want to see a shrink."
"But, why not? They could really..."
She interrupts me by jumping out of the seat on the couch and storming away. I watch her leave and slam her bedroom door behind her. Tony and Alex stop their conversation in the kitchen and turn to me. Meanwhile, I'm in shock. What the hell just happened? Dani has never erupted in anger like this in front of me before.
"What the fuck did you say?" Alex yells at me.
"She asked me what we were talking about."
"So you just told her? Do you know how to lie? I fucking told Dani she shouldn't be fucking around with a sixteen-year-old."
I get up, "What the hell is your problem Alex? I've been here this entire time trying to support Dani despite it draining the fuck out of me. I know you guys have been through a lot but so have I, trying to be there for you all. This entire apartment was a mess until I cleaned last night because you guys deserve a clean space to live in. But maybe you don't. Maybe Dani doesn't even need me at all."
I start walking out but Tony catches up with me, "Please, Pris. Don't go."
I turn back to him, "Why shouldn't I? I don't seem to be helping at all."
"Let's talk a walk."
We're outside. It's a nice day. Perfect for a t-shirt and shorts. Tony has his hands in the pockets of his jacket and staying silent. I am trying to cool off but there is so much I wish I could say, but it hurt everyone's feelings. Dani has been hard to be around. I don't want to break up with her. I love her. I truly do. But I don't even know how to be there for her. Her energy rubs off of me in general, so this pessimist outlook on life makes me reconsider what makes me happy too. I can't just leave her in a time of need, but I find it really selfish that her friends would judge whether she should seek help, regardless on the pressure that is put on my shoulders. And theirs. They have to support and handle her as a roommate and friends too.
Tony speaks, "Did you know that Dani spent time in a psychiatric ward?"
My face drops, "No."
"Dani's mother committed suicide in front of her. She, I mean, Dani, was advised to stay there for a while. She really hated it. They were pretty homophobic and a tad bit racist. She can explain her experiences better than I can. But yeah, she's familiar with this amount of depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts."
I clench my teeth. Of course, people have backstories. They have unique pasts that creates their current being. But I was expecting a divorce, a move, a heartbreak that was never healed. Nothing of this scale. I've been relatively sheltered my entire life. I never had to worry about much. My parent's divorce and having to choose between my mother and father for vacation was my most traumatic memories. Being gay is difficult, but I feel like I navigate not too badly. So, all in all, I knew Dani and I were different but not this kind of different.
"She's weirdly obsessed and fascinated with psychology but also occasionally triggers herself. That's why we know how bad she can get when we talk about seeking professional help. It's a trauma. She will not be okay with seeing a psychologist. If Blue thinks we should help her seek counseling, we're going to put the mental and physical energy to encourage you to seriously go see a counselor, consistently. It will require a lot of work. Checking up on her, without making her feel observed. Asking about her progress, without triggering her. Detect lies, without making her feel like we don't trust her. Honestly, I think she needs someone like you. I've never seen her get this attached to anybody before. But, this is difficult and you're allowed to leave for your own mental health. I just need you to understand that you do have a choice. Either way, we will support Dani and help her recover. What we experienced in those streets, at the station, that night, we need to learn how to cope with. I'm technically the least visible person in our friend group, and the safest one too, yet I get afraid to be strolling around at night."
"I didn't know. I promise you, I didn't know."
"I know. Alex gets very defensive over Dani. I side with you, on a rational level. But Blue will have the final voice."
"From what I can see, her vote will either make it a draw or a clear win."
"I'm not counting your vote," Tony says, straight-forwardly.
"Why not?" I argue back.
"Because you can leave. We're her best friends. In the end, we will see her recover. You don't have to. You don't get to have a say then drop out."
"Why does everyone keep thinking I will give up?"
"You're so young. And we've seen girls like you many times."
That last sentence stabbed me in the heart. I didn't know I was typical conquest for Dani. I don't even know what that means in relation to our relationship. And while part of me is really concerned by that, the other part of me is much more focused on proving how much I love Dani through supporting her recovery.
"What can I do now?" I ask, diverting from the last point completely. We're walking back anyway. I can see the apartment building.
"Try to get into the room and calm her down. She will not talk to us most likely. She might not want to see you so don't push it. When she's ready, you'll know."
I nod. We enter the apartment again. Alex is gone. Her keys were on the kitchen counter and her shoes were near the door. She probably took a walk too. I thought Blue would be here by now but she's been even more M.I.A than Dani and at this level, it's hard to do.
I knock on Dani's door. Tony went back to his room. It's just me and her but I can't hear an answer.
"Dani, it's me. Please let me in. We don't even have to talk. I just want to know if you're okay."
The door unlocks. I slowly open it. Dani is already back in bed. The blinds are closed. The room is so dark. I close the door behind me and sit on the bed next to her. I touch her foot by accident. She jumps a little. The shivers and sniffles make me realize that she's been crying this entire time.
"Dani, I love you. I'm not gonna leave."
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