IN LIGHT OF SIX (maybe even 7) -- make that 8 xo MONTHS WITHOUT AN UPDATE, HERE YOU ARE.
As 2018 springs into action, it dawned on me, that I haven't updated since August of 2017!Thanks so much my rays of sunshine for not just 10k OR 11k BUT 12K too! I've never had such a big case of writers block before. But who else from the Southern Hemisphere has their exams now!? Ugh. (I wrote this part back in November...)
ABOVE: birthday triplets
P.s I decided that Landon will be Beau Mirchoff (any Awkward fans??)
PART ONE
"Happy birthday!"
My other half exclaims, slumping tiredly but with excitement. He busts into the kitchen, where the boys sit and watch him quietly in their high chairs. Shirtless, pantless but not quite sockless, he walks over to me in his underwear, wrapping his big arms around me.
He sniffs, taking a good whiff of the frying pan in front of me. "You're making yourself your own birthday breakfast?"
"I'm going to give it to my brothers." I smile, as he sighs behind me.
"What if I want some too?" The fatty asks.
"It's their birthday too, you know."
Defeated, hungry and turned down, he drags himself over to the boys in their high chairs. They giggle jiberish as he pulls faces at them.
I look down at my omelette as my spatula slides under it. I just wanted to cook something one last time.
"Do you reckon he looks like me?" Ares asks. I turn around to see his big arm wrapped around Chase, their heads both a little tilted. Chase's little chocolate curls fall on his forehead as his greenish-blue eyes look at his father. His pink flushed cheeks light up when he giggles, just like Ares.
I laugh. "God, yes."
"Knew it." Ares ruffles up Chase's hair. "You've got the good genes, little man."
Coby, obviously offended, makes a loud babbling noise.
"It's okay, Coby baby. You look like your uncle Dexter." I tell him, well knowing that my children only have my eyes and nothing else. But still, Ares' blue clashes with my green, giving them ocean coloured eyes.
"He kinda does." Ares nods, kissing him on the forehead.
As I plate up and seal my food, Ares feeds the boys their favourite - mashed banana. I let him have a shower and get ready while I spend time with our sons. Then, when the time comes to change out of my pajama shorts, I stare emptily at my wardrobe.
What am I supposed to wear on a day like this?
My birthday, my death day.
I flick through the endless coats, dresses and playsuits. What will Ares do with my clothes? What will my family do with them? Will they keep them, treasure the memory of me, and try keep my scent laced through? Or will they burn them, too saddened by the thought of my voluntary death -- or as others might say, suicide.
My fingers stop tracing the clothing when I reach an old dress of mine. Green. Not bright, or pale but earthy. Short, very low cut at the front, and long sleeved. Not tight, or loose, but elegant. Something that I'd like to wear today.
As I fit myself into it, I twirl in the mirror. This could be the last time I look at myself. I stand close to the glass, so close that my breath fogs my image. I wipe the fog away, taking a good hard look at my features. My skin, my freckles, my eyelashes -- everything that makes me who I am.
I exhale loudly.
Now's not the time to be guilty. I have to do this. For my boys, for Ares, for everyone.
"Be strong, Aurora. Be strong." I prep myself.
Ares yells from downstairs. "Are you ready yet, Babe?"
"Coming!" I call out, fetching a pair of gladiator sandles. I grab my purse from our bed, admiring how everything's laid out. The blankets are nicely tucked in, the pillows are all fluffed. This is the last time I'll ever see this room. And as much as I wanted to crash on the bed, sink into the sheets I knew that if I did —there was no getting me up.
Pull yourself together, Rori.
"The letter." I remind myself, whispering quietly. I quickly rummage through the bedside table drawer. My hand grasps the envelope I hid a few days ago. I pull it out, shove the drawer in.
Ares.
I kiss it, placing the letter behind my pillow. There's some things that'll I'll never be able to say to his face. And I hope he understands that when he reads the letter. There's so many things I could've said. I tried my best to fit everything in that later that he would ever need to move on.
"Goodbye." I whisper, my finger flicking the light off, my hand shutting the door behind me.
Now is definitely not the time to feel guilty.
Downstairs, Ares waits for me with the boys strapped into their basket seats. His eyes light up as I walk down, and a smile stretches out through his face. "Well, hello beautiful birthday girl."
"Hello to you too." I kiss his cheek, as he tries to spin me to make my dress twirl.
He nods in approval, looking well below my eye level. "I like it."
"Eyes up here." I smack his arm, he chuckles.
"Everything's in the car, come on."
He lifts the boys into the car, and we buckle them in together. Happily, the two make noises to each other, and I wonder if they can understand one another.
The drive felt nice. I was with my family, it was my birthday, and everything felt extremely happy. Why couldn't everything be fine? My time was ticking, and there was nothing I could do about it.
"Are you okay?" Ares asks if we pull up to my parents house, where lots of other cars are parked too. "You're acting odd."
"Me? No, I'm fine. It's my birthday!" I tell him, "A day all about me? Not a huge fan."
"Good thing you have brothers." He smiles, turning the car off. He turns around to take a look at the babies, they giggle when he looks at them. So happy just to be acknowledged by their father. I turn too, to see the little faces we've made. They continue to giggle making their chubby pink cheeks flush with thrill.
He's a good dad.
"Come on you two, it's Uncle Landon and Dexter's birthday!"
I take Coby on my hip with my sealed omelet in my hand, and wander in the home with my heart beating at a strange pace. Fear, excitement, happiness and sadness. I didn't know that was even possible to feel.
"Is that my birthday girl?"
The front door opens wide, as my dad walks out with extended arms and a big smile. His green eyes lit up with happiness as he squashed me and Coby against his chest. "Happy birthday, darling."
"Thanks dad." I murmur in his chest.
"And how's my favourite eldest grandson?" Dad pulls away, looking for a Coby cuddle. I hand him over, and Dad immediately starts pulling faces and entertaining him.
"Hello, Ares." Dad acknowledges my mate rather monotoned.
"Max." Ares nods, holding tightly on to Chase.
So, my father is still hesitant towards Ares. He blames him for my kidnaping and torture, falling pregnant and I'm guessing the war the rogues want to start with his pack. But, at the end of the day, he's the father to his grandchildren.
We all make our way inside, where my mother hugs Ares and I very tightly before stealing Chase. "Gosh he's got your face." She remarks, looking between the baby and Ares.
"He's blessed." Ares shrugs, laughing lightly.
Balloons and colourful confetti paper drape the lounge, with a big banner hanging over the door;
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
My mother always puts so much effort into our birthday, no matter how old we get. I kiss her on the cheek, "Thank you, mama."
Before she can open her mouth, two of my brothers come crashing into the room. Dexter and Landon chasing one another, as per usual, stumble down the hallway into the living room cussing, taunting and laughing.
"Happy Birthday to you too." I retort as Dexter holds Landon into a head lock.
They look up at me, bright blue eyes and chocolate brown ones: "Happy birthday, Rora." Then continue to play fight each other.
"I brought you guys omelettes?" I persuade them, watching their eyes light up at the thought of food. "In the kitchen."
They race past me, each bumping into one of my shoulders without an apology. What's not to love about my omelettes?
"So where's Ash?" I ask my mother, eager to talk to my little brother. The only one who knows about my little secret. The only one who understands.
"Right here." A voice squeaks behind me. I spin around, my eyes land on my little-taller brother. He gives me half a smile, happy to see me but not thrilled about what today means for me. He wraps his slender arms around me, pulling me in for a tight hug. "Happy birthday, Rori."
I ruffle his hair, "Thanks little man."
"You're welcome. I've got your
present in my room. Come and I'll show you." He tells me, gripping on to my arm.
"Asher...." I groan, "There's no point in getting me anything... you know that."
Scoffing as although he were offended, Ash shakes his head. "Like I'd ever forget to get someone a birthday present."
And he was right. Throughout all the birthdays I've had, Dexter and Landon too, he never once forgot to give us a present. Even at the age of four little Ash was giving out home made cards with his master piece stick figure drawings. I've kept everyone of them.
He takes me by the hand, nevertheless, and ushers me inside his bedroom. Unlike my other two brothers, Ash actually keeps his room tidy and clean. It doesn't smell like dirty washing or crusty cereal, it smells like clean sheets and a bit like Angel. No doubt she spends a lot of time in here.
And on top of his neatly made bed sits an ordinary cardboard box. Not wrapped or in a bow, just your standard box you'd pick up from your local supermarket.
I give him an inquisitive look. I'm used to receiving chocolates and nice smelling body washes, not strange looking cardboard boxes.
"Just open it already.." He moans restlessly.
"Fine." I blurt, nearing myself closer to the evil that may await.
As my hands reach out to open my box, it begins to rattle, sway side to side — until it inevitably tips to the floor, unleashing what it holds.
A small four-legged creature rises up on two feet, leaning it's other two legs on mine. Furry, panting, and unbelievably excited — the golden retriever puppy looks up at me with a pair of loving chocolate eyes.
Unlike most people, a wishy-washy lovey feeling did not take over my body. My heart stayed at a consistent rate. My voice didn't grow high with excitement and I certainly didn't fall to my knees crying. Instead, I turn to my little brother; "A puppy? What were you thinking?"
"I know, I know. You don't need a puppy, blah, blah.." He says rather sarcastically.
"Ash, don't you get it? I'm only here for one day." I whisper to him, hoping no one will hear me through the walls.
"Look, Rori. It's perfect. She's perfect. You can enjoy her today. She'll keep everyone company."
When he described it like that, it wasn't a terrible idea. The puppy —- she'll be a distraction for everyone. Something to ease the pain. Someone for the boys to grow up with.
A puppy wasn't horrible. A puppy was good.
"What's her name?" I ask, looking down at the small pupper. Some people say that dogs don't smile. But she smiles. Not with her mouth, but with her eyes.
"That's for you to decide." Asher folds his arms, "Are you gonna pick her up already?"
I extend my arms out to the small fury baby who gladly takes my embrace. Her small tail wags into my face with excitement as she kisses me with licks and love. I pet her, trying to calm her down but her excitement continues to grow until I have to put her back down.
"Isn't she adorable?" He asks.
To which I reply, " She really is."
——————————————-----------
Around the table, we all sat and ate. The food kept us occupied, as we talked about our lives with no worries in the world.
I stab at my mashed potato. My brothers laugh at my dad as he threatens to hit them all, while my mother giggles. Ares sits next to me, talking to Angel, who holds Ash's hand underneath the table. Sapphire is distracted by my new puppy, Mila, feeding her bits of steak. Ares' hand rests on my knee protectively. I feel transparently visible. Everyone can see me, but not really.
No one but Ash really can see me. I can't even see me.
I wanted to scream to them, "Hey! I love you all so much! I don't want to leave!" But what good would that do? Wouldn't that just make everyone try and stop me? And then what? The deal is canceled, and hundreds, maybe thousands of people lose their lives --- when I could fix it so simply?
So I won't scream out. I'll just stick with the envelopes I've prepared to give everyone. A hand-written apology, good-bye and I love you to each of my brothers, my mother, my father, my boys and my mate. Those letters contain content that I would never be able to say. Not ever to their faces.
"What's wrong?" Ares whispers in my ear, his hand grips to my knee tightly.
"Nothing's wrong." I say, finally scooping the mashed potato that I've been stabbing at for the last minute. "Just thinking that I'm getting old."
He laughs. "Oh yeah, so old."
"I mean, I'm already an engaged mother of two. Aren't people supposed to be at that stage when they're in their mid-thirties? I've skipped decades. I'm old." Mila pokes her head out beneath the table, chewing on the steak she's been fed. "And I have a dog. I think it's time to retire."
I feel horrible for talking to him so casually. These conversations will be our last, and I'm talking about old age.
"We've done good for ourselves for a half-rogue boy and alpha-born runaway couple."
I put my hand on his, "We sure have."
I lean forward, kissing him on the cheek. I rest my head on his shoulder, and a gushing feeling throws a lump in my throat. I roll my lips, looking at everyone as I lean on the love of my life. This is all I ever wanted. He wraps his arm around me, and I let my eyes water I hold back the flow. I won't let myself cry.
I look to my mother and father who each have Coby and Chase in their laps, and gesture that I want to hold them. My mum courteously rises from her seat holding Coby on one hip, and pulling Chase from dad to her other. She walks around the table as my family engage in an intense conversation about going on a holiday. She places Coby in my arms, and Chase in Ares'.
"Naw, you too look so adorable. Let me take a photo, alright?"
I don't protest like I might usually do. It's a good idea. We need a family photo.
"Alright." I say, smiling into Ares' shoulder, as I prop Coby up nicely where you will see his adorable chubby cheeks clearly enough.
She steps back, pulling out her phone and holding it up and out. The flash goes off three times, as my family-of-four put their best smiles on.
"Send that to us." I tell her, as she sits back down. "So we can frame it."
"Good idea." Ash adds in, across from me. I give him a small smile back, and he does the same.
I can't help but think of how that'll be the last photo of the four of us together. It wasn't right that I would leave the three of them with three petty photos. Was that all I could leave these boys with? A sorry and a few photos?
I check the time on Ares' watch. Ten minutes now. Ten minutes until I have to get up and leave everyone that I love behind. And boy, does the time fly by.
Everyone seems to finish their lunch by the time I need to leave. We all stand up and pack dishes, wrap the food and clean up. How am I supposed to say goodbye to people without looking like I'm leaving? I can't say that I'm going anywhere, because there isn't a place in the world where I could be right now besides back at home. Ares would know that I'm lying, anyway. He would call my bluff better than anyone else would. And I can't let him know. He would be the last person I could ever tell. He can't know that I'm letting his biological father take my life, he just can't.
So, I take my sons and I sit them down in their shared crib. Mum keeps one in the living room for when they visit, which has been quite a lot lately. I hug and kiss both of them hard, at the same time, trying not to shed a tear. I place them down next to one another, and they sit up no struggle looking up at me with their blueish-green eyes. Completely unaware. To small to understand.
I wish I could be there to watch them grow...
Their first day of school. I can imagine backpacks being strapped on tightly as they stand in the drive way, waiting to be dropped off. Their first day at high school, I can see almost clearly two young Ares-look-alikes dressed in their best clothes waiting to meet up with their friends from middle school. Dressed classy eighteen years from now for Prom, with dates on their arms, looking more adult than they actually are.
But every mother must protect her children. And I know my babies aren't safe in this environment for as long as I am their mother and Ares is their father. By blood, they are in danger.
"Goodbye my babies." I whisper to them very quietly, squatted down to their eye levels. "I love you two so much, my boys." Cluelessly, they coo and babble to one another.
I never imagined how difficult it would be for me. How my legs would feel like anchors, and this room would feel like the bed of the ocean. How difficult it would be to leave the latch of their eyes from mine. They're only infants.
And yet, I still choose to leave them behind.
I run into my brothers in the kitchen. All three of them. Landon washes the dishes while Dexter dries and Ash stacks. I stand still, frozen, staring at the three of them as they help one another. That's all I want to do, I tell myself. I just want to help them.
"What? Never seen a man in the kitchen before?" Landon blurts out at me, as Dexter whips my hip with a tea-towel. Ash looks at me like he knows whats up. And he does, I guess.
"No. I just, love you guys." I tell him honestly, not knowing what to expect.
Noises of 'aww' slip out of Landon and Dexter's mouths as they drop what they're doing and pull me in for a big cheesy group hug.
"Is little sister going soft?" Dexter queries, while Landon rubs his wet dish-washed hands on the top of my head.
"I think she's getting old, Dex." Landon chuckles, squeezing my body tightly.
"Yeah, very funny." I mess his hair as he messes mine. Our strange sibling-loving ritual, and this would be the last time. I step back, trying to keep that crystal-clean smile plastered to my face so they don't suspect a thing.
"Hey, me and Ash are going for a walk, would you keep an eye on Coby and Chase for me?" I ask Dexter and Landon non-directly. Although, right now they may look at my question as something temporary - that I'll eventually come back for my boys and they can continue with what they're doing -- I hope that they realize that's not what I meant. I want them to look after Coby and Chase. I want my two older brothers to always be there for my boys, like they were always there for me.
"Yeah sure, no problem." Landon says, dipping his hands back into the sink.
"Yeah we love those little rascals." Dexter chuckles, getting his tea-towel ready for the dishes Landon is washing.
"Thank you. I love you guys." I make sure to say, waving back, the plastered smile beginning to crumble.
I take four deep breaths.
"I gotta go, Ash. I gotta go now before I change my mind." I tell him under my breath as we make it outside. Everyone seems to have shuffled to the living room, where loud laughs seem to be heard.
"Go where?" Ares peeps around the corner. So maybe not everyone is inside.
I flash Ash eyes that read 'play along'.
"There you are! Me and Ashy are going for a walk. I've asked Landon and Dexter to keep an eye on the boys." I grab his arm, pulling it towards my chest for an embrace.
"Oh, good." He nods. "You two have fun then."
My fingers enclose around his big hand, and I look up at his sweet blue eyes.
I'm doing this for you, baby.
Tip-toeing, I plant a small yet seemingly deep kiss on his lips. He kisses back. Like normal. His stupid floppy curl dangles down the front of his face, so I tuck it away for him. I inhale his scent one last time. Ocean and fresh earth.
Such a peculiar scent.
He has come so far from the boy I once met, invading my territory, with raging red eyes. From the guy that everyone was scared of, to someone everyone has grown on, gotten to know and like. From young man, to father, words cannot express how god-damn proud of him I am. Words cannot express how much I know that this is going to break him. But I know that he will understand. Not today. Not tomorrow. But someday, in the future. Our boys will be grown and they'll be thriving, they'll get home from school one day and ask about me and Ares will have to sit down and talk to them. At the point in his life will he realize that I made the right choice. That he and the boys might not be sitting there with each other if it wasn't for me.
"I love you, Ares." I tell him, building up that beginning-to-crack smile again.
"Love you too, baby."
He goes inside, turning his back to reach for the door as Asher and I begin to stray away from home. I catch the last glance of his back. His broad shoulders, and for once -- his head held high.
As we walk further and deeper into the forest, Ash holds my hand. Or more of a clutch. A tight grasp around my hand, not for me, but for him. I look up at my little brother who shouldn't be taller than me at age fourteen, and catch him crying.
"Oh, Ashy." I stop in my tracks, swinging my arms around him.
He sobs into my neck, clasping fist-fulls of my hair in his hands as he squeezes me body into his own. His breathing becomes shortened as he frantically chooses sharp weeps over air. I feel my top dampen, along with my heart as I stand there with my arms wrapped around my little brother.
"I love you, Rori. I wish you didn't do this, but I know it's what you want. It's what you think is best." He manages to say through his snotty nose and red-soaked eyes.
"Thank you for being someone to confide in, Asher. You're beyond your time Ash. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place at the moment, Ashy. Thank you for getting it. Thank you for everything."
He lets go of my hair, pulling away gently and wiping his eyes. He looks down at his feet while catching his breath again.
I hold up his chin with my index finger, his saddened blue eyes meet mine -- "You're the best little brother anyone could ever ask for, Ash."
He nods, not saying a word, knowing very well that as soon as his mouth opens the tears will spill again.
"Can you please make sure that Ares looks after the boys. I know that there's a good chance that he won't for a while --- it'll hurt him too much. But please put some sense into him... he's the only parent that they'll have left."
Chin held up high, my youngest brother nods the pain away. "I will." He croaks.
"Good, now come here." We hug once more.
For what felt like seconds but was probably minutes I hugged my little brother tightly trying to make him feel better. Just like the old days.
"I love you, Ash." I kiss his cheek, ready to leave now. "Thank you for everything."
"I love you, Rori." He gushes into a thousand tears, lips pink and trembling. "Be brave."
I closed my eyes before turning my back to him. That way I didn't have to deal with my little brothers engulfing sadness, and wouldn't have to watch him fall to the earths surface after seeing his knees shake distraughtly.
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mel.
I don't think I've ever had such bad writers block in my life? I guess this chapter was really hard to write because I hate goodbyes. I'm so sorry for the delay I don't know what came over me. I've honestly written this chapter over several months, piece by piece, just because I couldn't get it done.
Hopefully the next chapter will be out sooner rather than later?