[ This chapter will contain talk of mental health and swearing if that bothers you I suggest you move tf along ]
My birthday is coming up , and I've never really been much about it , hell I hate attention . Also I hate people buying me things .
But I've never had very good birthdays anyways , so I don't have much to compare it too . But this year something is really bothering me about . and I can't pinpoint it exactly. So I thought I'd explain it as best I can .
Family Issues
You can probably already guess that I have those , I mean every family has those . But my problem with them is 1 - I don't want them spending alotta money on me, given I have no way to return the favor when their birthdays swing around . 2 - They are Smothering . I mean that in the nicest way possible , they're just too much . And I don't just mean that in the hovering type of way , I mean it in every aspect of my life they : ask to many questions , excessively ask me if I'm okay , constantly try to make me eat, relentlessly complain about me never leaving my room , and tell me they love me over and over and not at different times either , they'll say" I love you " and I'll say "I love you " and they say it back and forth with me till I start to get annoyed . 3 - They're so full of drama even Twitter has less than them . They can turn literally anything into a problem .
4- Finally, they skitz out too much , especially my mom . They all could smoke alittle weed , cause Goddamn they need it . Like bad . The smallest things piss them off. And I'm about ready to get them all in one place and just feed them pot brownies .
My Own Pride
Another reason is my own mind ; It won't let me figure out a solution without throwing another problem in my face . And for christ's sake I just wanna get through the day ! But having this much anxiety makes it nearly impossible.
Fear
Most of all in afraid of waking up on that day . Not that I wanna die . But its going to be extremely hard. 1 - I don't have alotta of friend so my brains going to constantly remind me of that . 2 - I dread the stress that comes with thanking people . I don't know how to take complements or gifts ,or even something as some as "Happy Birthday. " . 3- Not alot of money . My mom works 2 jobs and she stills struggles to support us . And I know it's my fault . We would be going to free public school . But in March of this year I attempted killing myself . and she took me out and my little sister . So I feel bad for expecting anything at all , I don't deserve it. 4- I crave love . Not in a greedy way , but in a lonely way . I crave to be held and hugged and cuddled and all that jazz. But everyday is just a constant reminder that I don't have that . So I feel like shit on a regular day and even shittier on a important day . So I don't feel like waking up that day . And again not meaning I wanna die . I just wanna sleep through the day and skip all the bullshit .
That's all that's been really been bothering me lately , other than a few personal things ...
I don't know how to end this chapter . So I guess I'll just end it by saying , You have no idea how much every little nice thing means to me . Thank you for reading and liking if you are . Thank you for all the support.
And with that , I will see you in the next chapter ,
Buh-Bye!