Dina
Amity talked my ear off well into the morning, and I loved all of it. Until now, I didn't realize how much we used to hang out. The two of us used to spend every waking second together. As we sat here, with ice cream and her talking about how a guy at a restaurant kept insisting she was his ex-girlfriend that cheated on him with his brother, I missed her terribly. She kept me distracted all night, I don't remember when we fell asleep. All I know is that I was jolted awake at the sound of the door closing. Amity was draped over the arm of the couch, her legs reaching my side. My legs rested atop hers and I had fallen asleep across from her.
I shook her awake, knowing Farouz would feel uncomfortable if he walked in on her sleeping. When I was sure she was awake, I left her rubbing her eyes on the couch and went to greet him. "Salam," I whispered. Noticing his struggle to get his shoes off, I knelt to help him. It was three in the morning, and I had a million questions. But for now I settled with the satisfaction that he was home safe.
He gave no reply, but let me help him. When I stood back up Farouz pulled me into a long hug without words. He smelled like sweat, hospital, and slightly like pastries. For a second I wondered where he went, but I focused instead on where he was now. When we reluctantly pulled apart, I heard Amity shuffle off the couch. She attempted to fix her ruffled hair without much success, and smiled sheepishly when she saw us looking at her, "hey Farouz, how're you feeling?"
My husband leaned on me slightly and gave her a tired smile, "I'm alive."
She let out a small laugh, "and I'm really freaking glad you are! Well, I'll get out of your hair now."
Amity made a move for the door but Farouz shook his head and extended his arm to block her, "it's late out. Stay here tonight, in the guest room." My friend attempted to decline politely but he said, "please, I insist. Dina, make sure she stays please. And give her something to sleep in?"
Farouz didn't wait for me to reply before excusing himself and walking timidly through the house and into our room. I looked over at Amity and gave her a pointed look, she sighed and turned towards the guest room, knowing no way could she overcome me and my husband in one go. After fetching her something to sleep in and wishing her goodnight, I filled a glass with water and went to Farouz.
He stood in front of the mirror with his shirt pulled up to his abdomen, examining the bruising left by his ribs and the scar just below that. When he saw me he quickly tried covering up his act by trying to take his shirt off. That didn't go very well either, Farouz let out a painful groan and rolled his eyes at himself, "I'll just sleep like this," he mumbled, ambling to the bed in his dirty T-shirt and jeans.
I walked up to him, "what's a wife for if not to undress you?" Farouz's eyes widened and he laughed; then, rather sheepishly, he lifted his arms up as far as he could and let me take his shirt off for him. I paused when I saw his wounds, "do they hurt?" I asked, then, "stupid question, of course they do. Uh... can I?" He nodded, and I gingerly ran my hand over the stitches, careful not to hurt him. I didn't know what to say, they looked painful and I felt that through his every wince and movement. So I just gave him a small smile and continued my task. After Farouz was in more comfortable clothing, I handed him the glass of water and he chugged the whole thing in one go. "Are you hungry? I can make you something."
Farouz shook his head, "no, thank you. Aladdin already practically spoon-fed me tonight." I laughed at his light hearted joke as I climbed into bed next to him. Farouz then said, "we went to a bakery in his neighborhood. He always took me there when I lived with... them... before. He grew up with the family that owns it. I can take you sometime."
His offer made me happy, but I declined, "that place is for you and him. I think it's important you keep it that way. And, you didn't have to tell me where you were."
My husband quirked his eyebrow, "don't act like you didn't want to know. I know you Dina." My face flushed with guilt and he laughed, "it's okay, your curiosity is one of the many things I love about you."
"Does that mean you're not going to divorce me?" I covered my mouth right after the sentence ended. Earlier in the night I promised myself I wouldn't bring that up until he felt better, and I thought I'd put it in the back of my mind, but it just came out and took us both by surprise. Looking at Farouz's surprised expression, with his mouth open and his eyes wide, I rushed to explain myself, "I'm so sorry I'm so selfish astaghfirullah that's not even important right now! It just came out, and I wouldn't even blame you because this whole thing is my faul–"
"Dina."
I stopped, "sorry."
But Farouz chuckled, "you know you ramble when you're nervous?"
Again, my face flushed with embarrassment, "sorry, again."
My husband ushered for me to come closer, and he leaned to place a soft kiss on my cheek, "Astaghfirullah Dina. What I said earlier, that was the devil talking. Allah only knows what could have happened tonight, but you saved my life. And, again, Allah only knows how hard everything is about to get. So I'm sorry, but you're stuck with me."
I stretched to kiss his chapped lips, "that's all I want."
He hummed, smiling against my lips. "I know you probably want to talk," the haunted look was back on his face, "but let's save that for another time?" Then he turned to face the other way, and Farouz lay down, pulling the blanket up to his ears.
I did the same, forcing myself to keep my eyes closed and let sleep take me. But I kept thinking about that man! And the gun, I kept thinking about how scared and worried Farouz looked. Every time I closed my eyes I felt his disgusting hand go down my hair, his fingertips touching my scalp... a shudder ripped through me, and I pulled the blanket tighter around myself, praying the image away. A hand touched between my shoulder blades and I jumped. When I turned, Farouz was looking at me, understanding and sorrow showing in his eyes. He felt responsible for what happened, and the feeling was mirrored in me as well. I scooted closer and Farouz lifted his head, placing it on my chest. I hugged him to me as his arms snaked around me snuggly. My hands played in his hair and I felt him sigh against me. Farouz inhaled deeply, "thank you."
"For what?"
"For being my wife."
And we stayed like that, me hugging him to my chest and playing with his hair until his breathing evened out and he fell asleep.
***
I don't know when sleep finally took pity on me and let me in, but I know that I woke up to Farouz groaning in pain. When the source of the sound registered in my sleep filled head, my eyes shot open and I saw him curled up next to me, his hands pressing onto his gut and his eyes screwed shut from pain. "Dina," he exhaled, "ya Allah, Dina wake up please!"
"I'm right here!" I placed my hand on his arm, "what hurts? What can I do?"
He opened his mouth to talk but all that came out was a painful yell. He gripped onto the comforter until his knuckles turned white, Farouz took short breaths in order to try and ease the pain. I watched, helpless, until I remembered the medicine the doctor gave me yesterday. "Oh!" I jumped off the bed and froze when Farouz let out another yelp, "sorry!" Quickly, I ran to the couch and grabbed my bag, when I turned around, Amity was standing outside the guest room, "don't leave." I said, knowing the look she was giving me, "just give me a minute."
"No, Dina I really should go. You two need to be alone and I have class anyway." I gasped in surprise when my eyes filled with tears, not noticing how panicked I still was. "Hey," she hugged me, "I'll always be a text away, Dee. Always. I'll see you later today? Okay?" I nodded, knowing it made all the sense for her to go. Farouz let out another painful groan and Amity kissed my forehead, "I love you girl. Go check on your man. I'll call you." And with that she snatched her purse and was out the door.
I fetched a glass of water and ran to Farouz. Without a word, I took out the medicine and gave it to him. The doctor said it was fast acting, but every second watching Farouz squirm and gasp felt like a lightyear. He reached for my hand, and I moved to situate myself in a way that permitted me to hold him. Farouz gripped onto my shirt and I cradled his head against me. Finally, his breath evened out and he was able to sit up. My husband forced a smile, "I forgot how much these stitches hurt."
"Farouz," I fumbeled with my words, "stitches aren't supposed to hurt that much."
He nodded, almost as if he was expecting me to say that. Farouz rested his head on the bed and said, "my luck, I'm allergic to the stuff they use."
"Why don't they use something different?"
His feigned smile fell, "like I said, my luck. It's all the same."
I tried to remain positive, "Allah rewards those in pain," I said, "that means Allah loves you." That earned me a genuine smile, and I couldn't help but kiss him. "I'm going to go make you something. You haven't eaten."
Farouz grabbed my wrist, stopping me before I got up. "Prayer first."
We prayed, and I prepared breakfast for him. But Farouz didn't put anything in his mouth. I tried making conversation, but once again he seemed lost in thought. "Hey," I nudged his knee with mine, "what is it? One second you're all here then the next you're gone."
My husband exhaled, "I really don't want to talk right now."
I nodded understandably, "well I just don't want you to go through it alone okay? Farouz you can always–"
His chair scraped the ground as he shot up. Silently, I watched Farouz walk to the door and grab his coat from the rack beside the door. Picking up his keys, he said, "I'm going to go get some air."
"Farouz–"
"Dina," he interrupted, then, my husband took in a deep breath and collected himself, "darling, I understand that you're trying to help me. But I don't need to talk right now."
"Then what do you need?"
He gave me a sad smile, "just be there, okay? This, I have to deal with this on my own. Words can't heal me. I just need you next to me."
He excused himself and said he'd be back soon. Then Farouz and I spent the next few days in ignorant bliss. We didn't mention what happened and whenever Farouz seemed lost in his thoughts I let him be. The one time he addressed it is when he told me he put his face to face appointments on hold until further notice. I'm just going to focus on research for now, he said, I have a few research projects I've been pushing off but I'm going to start on those. That was a plus for me, Farouz only spent a few hours each day in the university library and his office, the rest of the day he was with me.
Through that I learned about all of the quiet places he went to work, because he took me with him to study wherever he went. I caught up on my school work and we spent some quality time together. However, through all of this feigning ignorance, anxiety started eating me up. Being alone terrified me, every time I saw my reflection I felt that man's hands on my hair, patting my face. I shuddered at the feeling, and I couldn't sleep without having nightmares.
Two weeks after that night, Farouz left me napping on the couch and made a quick trip to the library. I woke up and walked into the study for a couple of my rhetoric textbooks. A few feet from the bookshelf Farouz placed some decorative reflective surfaces; and goosebumps took over my body when I walked by. Looking back, I saw my face, with my hair framing it and ending at my torso. I worked so hard to get it this healthy and long, but when I went to touch it his face flashed before my eyes and my breath hitched. My chest ached and I–
.
..
...
....
Dina? Baby I'm right here...
My vision started cleared and I became aware of the hand gripping my thigh. Fearing the potential owner of that hand, I flinched away. But it was only Farouz, and I realized that the man possessing my thoughts would never be able to make it to my home... I was safe here. Then confusion hit, I remember standing at that mirror, but as I looked around I found myself crouched behind the desk. "What?" I breathed, and Farouz dropped the phone from his ear and put his other hand on me, relieved that I was finally responding. "What happened?"
"You tell me, dearest. I came home and you had your legs to your chest. Your eyes were just like... frozen. You were unresponsive! I've been here for 10 minutes!" He moved in front of me and rubbed my arms warmly, "What happened love?"
"I..." Last thing I remembered was the fear that gripped my chest because of that man. More than anything, I wanted him out of my mind. Without giving it a second thought, I marched to the kitchen and grabbed the first pair of scissors I saw. Somewhere far away I heard Farouz shout at me, ask what I was doing. But without looking at him, I gripped my hair inches below my ear and ran the scissors through it. Instantly, my head felt lighter as I heard the hair hit the floor.
Farouz gaped at me, "Dina? Why'd you do that for?!"
Tears finally clouded my vision, "I couldn't stand it anymore! All I could think of was his hands on me! I had to do something Farouz, I had to!" His eyes softened and Farouz pulled me into a hug as I sobbed into him. "I'm s...sorry! I know you di...didn't want me to bring it up but I can't live like this! I see him everywhere."
My husband rubbed circles into my back and said, "Oh God, I'm so sorry Dina. I'm so selfish, I've been focusing on me I didn't see how much it's been eating you up. What happened to you there is unspeakable."
I knew that I shouldn't burden him with what I'm feeling, that he has his own issues to deal with. But I was so tired! And scared, my chest was full of pain and fear and I had to let go. "He was going to shoot me," I sobbed, my grip on him tightening, "I was certain I was going to die! But even that wasn't even the worst part you know?" He hugged me closer, as if knowing what was on my mind. "He looked at me with this sick... those sick eyes! I–" a shudder ripped through my body and my knees buckled. Farouz was quick to take my weight onto him. Silently, he lifted me up and walked to the couch, gently setting me down.
My husband reached for the blanket that lay only feet away and wrapped me with it, "I'll be right back." With a comforting smile, he kissed my temple then walked back to the kitchen. I heard him shuffle around, only to return a few minutes later with a mug of tea, and a glass of water. "This should help calm you down." Farouz sat next to me as I silently drank the tea, his hand resting gently on my shaking leg. "Dina, honey–"
Already feeling bad for throwing my baggage on him, I interrupted, "no, it's okay. I'm fine don't worry about it."
"It's my job to worry about you Dina. And I'm really sorry you had to go through that, I'm sorry we both did. I haven't been noticing how much it affected you and for that, again, I apologize. I have been so wrapped up in my own emotions and because of that I completely neglected the fact that you went through something worse than I did."
"Not worse," I shook my head.
"Yes worse!" He sighed, "Dina, I got beatings worse than the one I got that day, sadly, I'm used to it. But you shouldn't have had to experience that, ever. I should have protected you from that, but instead I'm pretending you're okay." He ran his hand through his hair, "I guess... part of me wanted you to be okay. So I can convince myself I didn't let you down."
I set down the empty mug and placed my head on my husband's shoulder, taking his hand in both of mine, "what happened wasn't your fault."
Farouz wrapped his arm around me, and I felt him kiss my hair before saying, "I know, but it isn't your fault either. And as much as I wish we could, we can't undo the past. What happened was a challenge, and thanks to Allah (SWT) we passed. We can only focus on the future now. Somehow learn to be okay with all the change it brought on our lives."
His words gave me comfort, and he was right. It already happened, and wallowing in it wasn't going to improve anything. At least we had each other's support through it. But his last sentence was hinting at something else, the one subject I knew never left his mind since that day. "Have you visited the hospital yet?" I asked.
He shook his head, "I don't want to see her. But when we were there the doctor told me she's 18 weeks pregnant. That means she's six months pregnant by now! Dina that kid has existed for just a little under the time we've been married."
I looked up at him, and Farouz's eyes held the look of old, tired men. "What are you going to do?"
My husband let out a shaky breath and scratched at his growing beard with frustration, "I don't know. Am I supposed to take care of that woman too? Will I even be allowed to take that baby in? And," he looked at me, his eyes panicked, "I'm 25 Dina! How am I supposed to raise a baby that isn't even mine? Where do I start? That's an entire lifetime! What about when we want kids? Will this one effect that? How will you study and I work and raise a baby that'll probably struggle with medical issues for the first years of her life?"
"Hey, hey," I placed my hands on his face and cut his rambling short, "you're thinking about stuff that's far down the road. I think for now we just need to take it day by day. And remember, Allah (SWT) never gives a man more than he can bear."
A/N: Very content-packed chapter. I wanted you guys to know what was in their minds and how they were dealing. Especially Dina! Since we've been focusing on Farouz most of the time.
The idea of raising this new baby is a heavy weight on the two of them and it will definitely change their lives forever, how do you think it will do that? How will the storyline change with the entrance of this new life? Tell me what you're thinking of! Who knows, I may like that more than my original idea ;)
Life Update: I move into my college dorm in a couple of weeks! Then classes start only days after that, all of you know of course that means a huge change in my schedule/ life routine. And I will need some time to adjust. Of course that doesn't mean I'll stop writing. However, I will probably take another hiatus so that I'm not pressured to write every week and I can focus more on adjusting and starting my studies. I'm not sure how it will work, right now I think it'll be like I'll just update whenever I can, instead of the promise of every week. Because that'll take a lot of pressure off me.
I AM NOT CURRENTLY ON HIATUS. YOU WILL GET AT LEAST TWO MORE CHAPTERS BEFOER I MAKE A DECISION.
However, I will probably take one of sorts when school starts. And I hope you guys understand and continue to support this story. I lost a lot of readers during my last hiatus and because of that I'm afraid of this one. But I know that those of you who love the story will stick with it Inshallah.
But for now! Don't forget to comment and VOTE!
And I'll see you next Friday!
~Nehal