Bee
I hate cuddling.
Well, it's not that I hate it... I just don't like it with him.
Memo hadn't let go of me all night. Every time I moved, he would only pull me towards him a little tighter than before. His snoring would be right at my ear and the loudness of it kept me up at night. Needless to say, I hadn't had much sleep these last few weeks.
As I laid on the bed, staring at the ceiling, I thought about what had happened last night.
It has been close to two months that I haven't talked to Lola. I see her at school and she looks like she wants to talk to me but then just walks away. I know she's tired of the 'silent treatment' as she has put it many times. I would have come to her sooner but I couldn't. Memo was constantly on my back telling me to keep away from 'the dyke' and I just didn't want to fight. Tammy would be telling me about Lola and Christie and how they seemed to be getting closer. I'm not going to lie, it did bother me... because I couldn't be there for Lola when she was there for me.
That's a lie.
I'm jealous of Christie.
Lola is the friend you want by your side when things go wrong. She will go to the moon and back to make you feel better, to cheer you up. The way she gives everything she has to her friends makes you want her by your side; good times and bad times. That day two months ago, when we ditch school, Lola had done everything in her power to cheer me up. At the end of the day, I had forgotten what had happened before. And now... now whatever we had is gone and I don't know how to get it back...
I feel the prick of tears in the corner of my eyes and I swallow hard. I can't cry, not now. If I start crying I don't think I'll ever stop. It's times like these when I wish I could go to my mom and talk to her about everything. But how do you talk to the woman that protected the bastard that raped her daughter? Granted, she doesn't know, but I doubt she'd believe me. She has a weakness about Raul. It's like when she found herself raising me by herself, she relied on him when he came into the picture. She saw him as the one she would build a happy home with.
I think we would have been better off alone...
Memo grunts in my ear and stretches on the bed, tightening his arms around me. I can feel the beginning of stubble on his cheeks and I don't like it. It reminds me of Raul when he'd come into my room and... I pushed Memo off of me and climbed off the bed, running to the restroom across the hall and making it just in time to puke whatever was left in my stomach from the last time I ate. Vile rose in my mouth as images of Raul flashed through my mind. That accompanied with morning sickness, this was going to be the worst thing I've gone through.
I found out I was pregnant about two weeks after I left my house. I don't know if it's Raul's kid or Memo's, all I know is that I don't want it. If it's Memo's kid, it will only be born into a broken family with young parents that don't even know what they are going to do with their lives. If its Raul's kid, then it will be a reminder of the things that bastard did to me and to be honest I doubt I'll ever get over that. Molestation is one thing but rape is another... both traumatize you, yes, but only one of them can leave you with lifelong consequences that you need to name and 'care' for.
Memo doesn't know I'm pregnant. He couldn't be anymore clueless. I think the only thing he has noticed is that I don't want to be touched anymore. When I moved in, he would want to do it every night. I'd just lay there, numb, while he did his thing and then roll to my side and try to protect his ego by telling him that it was 'good'. How pathetic am I, really? Trying to protect his ego while I lay there broken? Have I no dignity? No shame? Have I been robbed of everything that made me who I am... who I was?
Yes, yes I have.
Many times I've laid on the bed at night while he snored away and thought about the future. I used to see myself going away for college to a place where Raul's abuse wouldn't reach me and where I could be rid of Memo's suffocating 'love'. I saw myself getting my degree in engineering and applying to major corporations where my work and intelligence would be appreciated. I saw myself finding a man who would love me and care for me unconditionally. Shit, I even saw myself having kids! To be honest, at one point I even saw myself renting a place with Lola if she were to go to the same college I was going to. Haha, now I can't even say I see myself being her friend...
When Lola came into my life, something changed. The way she sees life is very different from how I had seen it all these years. My world was black and white, while hers was color and HD for that matter. She saw the good in people and the bad too, but never focused on the bad. I saw the good in people and ignored the bad in fear that I would be the one being rejected. Lola isn't scared of rejection, she has shown that form the moment she stepped a foot into Crenshaw High.
With all the negativity around her, Lola didn't let that stop her. She is going to play Romeo in the school play, got the football team to give her a tryout, and even built a club for the gay and straight alliance. She has gone through so much because of who she is and hasn't let that stop her. She smiled through the bad times and laughs through the good times. Lola is someone to be admired and looked up to... someone who I aspired to be like.
Alas, that is not for me anymore... the life of a teenage mother with no idea who the real father of her child is, that is what I will become. The only thing I can become, really.
Realizing that my life had narrowed down to being another stereotype, I felt the need to have Lola by my side. I felt that if she was in my life, then I could actually do this whole single mother thing. It was selfish of me, I know, but at that point I was drowning! I can feel my face at the surface of the water, but a little shove and down I go again... fall into the abyss that is consuming me from the moment I found out I was pregnant.
When I told her I was pregnant, Lola was in shock. She stared at me and I could see so many emotions run through her eyes that it pained me when I saw disappointment flash there too. I questioned if it was the right thing to do and my heart screamed 'yes!' so loud I could have sworn Lola had heard it. I stood there, holding my breath, tears running down my cheeks, and my heart beats echoing in my ears before I was embraced in a tight hug.
She held me for what felt like hours but it was really minutes. When she pulled back, she had a sad apologetic smile on her lips and tears pooled in her eyes. She chuckled humorlessly once, hugged me again, and told me she'd call me in the morning.
And now it's the next day and no word from her yet. I know it was selfish of me and I still wonder if I did the right thing, but I'm just glad I was able to tell someone before this secret drove me mad. I stood up from the floor, brushed my teeth, and walked back to Memo's room. He was still asleep, snoring like he had no care in the world. I looked around his room, trying to find my jeans. I really needed to go home and get some clothes. I came to Memo's house with a change of clothes and have been borrowing his sister's clothes, but seeing as I'm pregnant I can't continue borrowing a fifteen year old tight shirts and skinny jeans.
I'm about a month or so, but it's hard to tell since I don't know if it's Raul's kid or Memo's. Thinking that there are two possible fathers, it makes me feel dirty; makes me feel like a slut. I don't even know why I slept with Memo in the first place. I hadn't been with him in the time we've dated, but then Raul hadn't done that in a long time too. Was that the answer? Did I sleep with Memo just to feel something? Ugh, the thought made my stomach churn.
I was about to run back to the restroom when I heard a 'ping' from somewhere in the room. My phone, I thought as I shoved Memo's things around. He really needs to clean his room, I thought as I found my phone and sat on the desk chair. Five texts from Lola, one text from Tammy, three calls from Lola, and a voicemail from her too. Nothing from my mother. Two months since I've seen her or heard from her... damn.
I opened Tammy's text first, 'what time are we going shopping? I don't want to study!' I rolled my eyes. Now that I was going through all this, the mere sight of Tammy irritated me. She always complained about little things and takes for granted everything. She has a loving mother, loving brother, and even loving father. Why then is she prancing around the school looking like a slut and complaining about every single little shit?
I opened Lola's texts next, feeling my body relax almost instantly.
'Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey! Wait, no, eggs make preggo chicks sick... damn it!'
'Seriously, woman, wake up! I really don't like standing here... shit I don't like being here, I think I'm gonna catch stupid.'
'If you do not come down in five minutes, I'm gonna ring the doorbell and storm in the house and drag you outside myself... even if he's in his tighty-whiteys! You hear me?!'
'I jumped behind the bushes when I saw his dad leave... sheesh, does everyone in that house have a permanent scowl?'
'You will find that patience isn't one of my virtues... hurry up! I'm hungry!!'
I stared at the texts, dumbstruck, and went to check the voice mail. It had been sent about an hour ago. I didn't even hear my phone ring. In that moment Memo snored so loud I actually got scared, that's why I didn't hear my phone.
Lola's voicemail: 'Hey... sorry I didn't talk much last night, it was just a lot to take on for one day. I needed time to think and I think you did too. Look I don't like talking about this through the phone, so I'm gonna go pick you up from his house and then we shall talk about this.... Then we're going to the free clinic and find out if you are or not. See ya.'
Shit!
I grabbed my jeans and one of his shirts and pulled them on. My converse where in the living room so I ran down the stairs and stopped mid track when I saw Memo's mother staring at me with a raised eye brow.
"Where are you up to so early on a Saturday?" Her perfectly trimmed eye brow raised once more as she waited for my answer.
"I told a friend from high school that I would help her with a project and I'm late already." I said while I walked to the living room and pulled on my shoes.
Memo's family is picture perfect to the public but a complete chaos behind closed doors. His father is a workaholic who doesn't realize that his wife is cheating on him with his business partner. His sister is a slut in the making who admires Tammy that should explain it all. And his mother is a control freak who sleeps with her husband's business partner thinking that she will profit somehow too. In these two months that I've lived here, I finally understood why Memo is who he is at school. If I had known all this before we got together, I doubt I would have agreed to it.
"Does my son know about this?"
Excuse me? It was my time to raise my brow, "I don't see why since it's my business, not his. Now if you excuse me," I walked towards the door and opened it quite briskly and stepped outside. Who does she think she is? I don't need to tell Memo about everything I do, sheesh.
Control freak, I tell you.
Once I had calmed down, I walked down the driveway and looked around; no sign of a girl with colorful hair anywhere. I took out my phone and called her. I heard the beat of Animals and turned to see Lola walking towards me from the curve. She had on teal shorts held up by a single suspender and a black t-shirt. Her hair was hidden by a black beanie and she wasn't wearing her neon shoes. Lola stopped in front of me and stared at me for quite a while. I thought she was going to hug me and when she didn't I realized I wanted her to hug me; to hold me close and tell me that everything was going to be alright.
She placed her hands in her pockets and gave me a small smile, "did I wake you up?"
I shook my head, "didn't sleep much, to be honest."
She chuckled, "Yeah, me either..." That's when I noticed the bags under her eyes and the fact that she had no eye liner on.
I felt bad, felt that this was my fault and I couldn't stop the tears. "I'm sorry, Laura."
"Shhh," she said in a low tone and pulled me to her, tightening her arms around me and holding me together before I broke completely. We stood there, hugging each other, for what felt like eternity and I felt myself calm down and was able to breathe normally without feeling like the biggest jackass on the planet.
"Let's go before the lady of the house wakes him up," she said in my ear and I felt goose bumps cover my body from head to toe. I turned towards Memo's house and saw his mom staring at us through the window. Her eyes were wide open and I could see the wheels turning in her head.
I let go of Lola and she took a step back. She took a deep breath and then grabbed my hand. I stared at her and then back at the house, as if asking if she was sure about this.
"Eh, we're not doing anything wrong. Let them talk, might make their lives worth living somehow," she winked and for a moment I saw the Lola I had met so many months ago. The Lola that had a smile every day and that carried around bags of gummy bears everywhere she went.
Lola pulled me along with her and with one last glance at Memo's mother, I gripped Lola's hand tighter and walked with her. We were quiet for a while; the comfort of her hand holding mine was immense. I felt as if my broken heart, broken spirit, was being glued back together the longer we held hands. We walked in silence but I knew she had so many questions, I just wish I had all the answers.
We walked past a frozen yogurt place and my stomach rumbled. I hadn't eaten anything this morning and I couldn't remember when I eaten last. I held my stomach and blushed a bit, hoping that Lola hadn't heard that.
As if reading my mind, Lola asked, "Did you eat this morning?"
I shook my head.
"Did you eat last night?"
Again, I shook my head; feeling the blush intensify.
She pulled off her beanie and run a hand through her hair, "When was the last time you ate, Bee?"
I shrugged and kept my head low, scared that I had pissed her off. These pregnancy hormones were making me very emotional and I didn't like it.
"You've got to be kidding me," she whispered and dropped my hand and walked inside the yogurt place. I stood outside like a rejected puppy and gasped a little while later when a container was shoved to my chest. There was cubed fruit and what looked to be strawberry yogurt underneath all the fruit. She had gotten everything except raspberries; I hate raspberries. I looked up and she had a similar container just with no fruit. She grabbed my hand and pulled me to one of the tables outside the establishment.
"Eat," she said before she spooned some yogurt into her mouth and glared at me. I grabbed the spoon and ate a bit of yogurt. My stomach groaned like a pained animal and I felt sick.
"I can't," I covered my mouth, scared that I was going to puke.
"Try."
I looked her in the eye and held her gaze as I spooned some yogurt into my mouth and swallowed. It went down smoothly and the pain in my stomach subsided. She smiled and continued to eat her yogurt, her eyes never leaving mine. I finished my yogurt, the fruit, and even what she kept spooning into my container. By the end of it, I felt better; I felt full.
"You need to eat, Bee," she said in a concerned tone.
I nodded, "I know."
Lola grabbed the containers and threw them in the trash can near us. She held out her hand to me and I grabbed it. We continued walking until we reached the park where we had ditch that time; god, it felt like it had been ages ago. She didn't let go of my hand until we reached the swings and claimed one for herself. I sat on the one next to her and we sat there in silence.
After what felt like hours, she finally spoke, "Does he know?"
I was confused to whom she was referring until I remembered that I hadn't told her about Raul. I shook my head and she sighed.
"Why haven't you told him? He needs to take responsibility, Bee."
I shook my head again, "If I am going to do this, then I'm doing it alone."
She turned to me so quickly I thought she'd fall off the swing, "What do you mean 'if' you're going to do this?"
I shrugged, "There are other ways, Lola."
"Yes, adoption..."
I shook my head, "There's also ab-"
"Don't you there.... Don't you fucking dare, Beatriz."
I was taken aback by her reaction, "If push comes to shove, I will resort to it, Laura."
She scoffed and got off the swing. Lola paced back and forth in front of me, pissed off. She stopped, looked at me, and then continued her pacing.
"You can give the baby up for adoption... it isn't so bad, you know?"
I sighed, "I know there is adoption, Lola, but... I don't want to bring a kid into this shitty world. If I give it up for adoption, what are the chances that it will find a family as loving as yours?"
"But if you kill him, he will never know how amazing life can be!"
I looked away, "I don't want to take my chances..."
Lola threw her beanie on the floor, ran both her hands through her hair, and kneeled down in front of me; her hands on my thighs, she looked almost desperate, "You cannot condemn a child to death, Bee, no matter how bad it gets or how bad it is... Imagine if my biological mother had thought the same things you are thinking right now... I wouldn't have met Kevin and Eric, I wouldn't have learned everything I know now... I wouldn't have met you..."
Tears burned behind my eyelids as I closed my eyes and shook my head, "Don't make me the bad guy here, Lola."
"What else can I do or say that will make you change your mind?"
I shook my head and Lola stood up from where she knelt and glared down at me, "if you're really going to abort your kid, then you shouldn't have gotten pregnant!"
Rage coursed through me as I stood up and threw the swing back, "You think I asked for this?!"
"You fucked him! Of course you were asking for this if you--"
The slap resounded in the early morning silence across the playground. Her hair covered her face but I knew she was stunned. My hand tingled as an after effect and the mark of my fingers was starting to imprint on her cheek, but I didn't care. Lola didn't move, her head still turned from how hard I slapped her.
"I was raped.... I'm not asking you to understand... I'm not asking you for anything... I just... I thought you could help me with this without judging me... you always say we shouldn't judge people, yet you're the first to do so when things don't go your way... I... I don't know what I was expecting, really..."
I turned and walked away from her. My hand ached from the intensity of the slap, but what ached the most was my heart; what little had been glued back together had shattered completely. I hadn't planned on telling her that I was planning on aborting, much less telling her that I had been raped. I trust Lola, but there are some things that I'd rather no one knew... sometimes I even wish I didn't know them myself.
I was half way across the park when I felt arms embrace me from behind and hold me tightly. I lowered my head as I felt her tears wet the back of my shirt. Shame, guilt, hatred, and self-loathing coursed through me at once that I too started to cry. I turned in her arms and we held each other as we cried. I didn't know why she was crying, all I knew is that we needed each other in that moment.
As I held her in my arms, her words replayed in my head. If her mother had given abortion a second thought, then I would have never met Lola. I would be going through this on my own, perhaps I would have already killed myself because I wouldn't be able to handle it myself. Can I really deprive a child from learning about life? There are good experiences and bad experiences, but life in the end can be beautiful. I have good memories and bad ones too, but put all that aside life has been grand; a grand experience that I can change the more I learn about it.
I think the question now is, am I ready to be a mother?
A few minutes later, we walked around the city looking for the free clinic. Neither Lola nor I had ever gone there, so we were basing it on the GPS on Lola's phone. She kept cursing it time after time until we found ourselves in front of it. I was tired by the time I sat down and Lola brought over the paper work.
"They keep all this confidential, so your mom will never find out."
I scoffed as I took the papers from her, "She'll find out eventually, Lola. I hardly doubt she'll believe I gained so much weight in exactly nine months."
Lola gasped as her eyes widened in surprise, "You mean... you're giving it up for adoption?" The smile in her eyes made me chuckle.
I nodded, "Maybe... maybe I'll just give motherhood a try." Lola squealed, wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed my cheek.
I laughed as I pushed her away and filled out the paper work. So much paper work for a pregnancy test, you've got to be kidding me. Once I was done, I was given a cup that had to be filled with piss. I felt grossed out as I tried to pee in the cup and after a few tries, the doctor told me to wait about an hour for the results. Lola and I sat in the small room with only one bed and one chair. I laid on the bed, nervous, and Lola twirled on the chair; I think she was nervous too.
"Beatriz Draco?" The doctor who came in asked and looked at both of us. Lola glanced at me with a raised brow and a smirk on her lips. Yes, I used her last name so in case someone found out about me coming here, there wouldn't be any evidence with my real name on it. I blushed as I rolled my eyes at her and raised my hand at the doctor.
"Well, I've got your results here. When did you find out you were pregnant?"
I tried doing the count in my head, "Around the time it happen... I was going to start my menstruation, so when it didn't come for the next two weeks I bought a home test and it came out positive."
The doctor nodded and jot down what I was saying. I glanced at Lola who seemed to be counting in her mind. Damn it...
"Well Ms. Draco," the doctor said as she opened the envelope and read what the paper said, "I'm happy to announce that in deed you are pregnant. You're two months into gestation. I'll make an appointment for your first ultrasound in one month." She signed the paper, placed the envelope in the folder and smiled at me. "Do you have any questions?"
I was stunned that I couldn't concentrate on what was being said.
"When can we find out if it's a boy or a girl?" I faintly heard Lola ask the doctor.
"It varies from mother to mother, but I believe at the five month mark." She smiled at Lola, looked at me, and left the room. She returned shortly after with a cup of water for me, "Breathe, honey, everything will be alright. You'll be fine as long as you remember to eat and sleep and take care of yourself."
I drank the water in one gulp, "When will I start showing?"
The doctor looked thoughtful, "Since you're so thin, I'd say by the fourth month you'll be showing the baby bump."
"Thanks, doc." Lola said as she helped me off the bed and we left the clinic. We walked around the plaza for a while, looking at nothing in particular.
"I think... I think I want to do this..." I said out of nowhere and stopped Lola from walking away.
She nodded, "I'll help you out, and I think you should move to my house as soon as possible. If Memo find out you're pregnant, I doubt he's going to take it on a happy note. The dude is massive and you're weak..."
I nodded.
Lola sighed as she stood in front of me and raised my chin so I could look her in the eye, "Now that that has been settled, I need to know what did you mean back in the park... who raped you, Bee?" my eyes widened as I stared back at Lola. Her eyes darkened, looking murderous.
Oh fuck...