CHAPTER NINE
It had been several hours and yet our intrepid travellers had no luck in finding Schuh Kopf –or any of the other men (Zafa being Baenab's number one priority, obviously). They had waged two bloody battles with hordes of zombies thus far, only this time everyone made sure to only grievously harm the zombies, rather than kill them, now that they knew there was a potential cure out there somewhere.
By the third hour since they had left the safe confines of the Ofghan Kebabs (because that was what Zafa's organisation of men was called), Laybi had grown thoroughly sick of the entire escapade and was now begging Harriet that they ditch the entire group to go have some Israelbucks.
"But Laybi," Harriet whispered under her breath as they tagged behind the rest of the group, "Israelbucks is outside of the school grounds. One would have to actually get out of the school, which is entirely impossible for obvious reasons..."
"Not if Yulicious were here..." Laybi sighed mournfully over the lover who had run away from her (but he hadn't run away from her specifically, of course; he was just shy around new people).
"Laybi, just stop, you knew him for what? Like, two minutes, under which you were his hostage." Harriet rolled her eyes, her patience having finally been worn thin by Laybi's erratic outbursts that had progressively become more aggravating as the day had drawn on. "Plus I heard he isn't even into Pakistani women. Finds bindis to be very weird, so I've heard."
"But Pakistani women don't wear bindis!" Laybi cried hysterically and the rest of the group stopped in alarm and turned to look at her. She shot Harriet a filthy look. "How dare you culturally appropriate an entire item which is so sacred to Hindu women all over the world! God dammit Harriet, I thought you of all people would understand how devastating it can be for a POC woman to undergo through so much oppression and racism! Don't rah-rah at me about such things when you yourself—"
"Well, well, well, look what we have here."
Everybody jumped at the new voice that had cut into Laybi's tirade and whirled around to be faced by none other than Harward the Holy himself, draped in a new cloak – sparkly, this time, with a tinge of pink to it – who cast them a malicious smile. His long thin fingers were also holding what was a gun, except it too was sequined and glittery.
"What's with the new get-up, going for the Malibu Barbie look?" Baenab sniggered. No one had the time to jump into action in the time that Harward had raised his gun, pointing it directly at Baenab's forehead, and pulled the trigger. There was a loud bang, a shriek, and the thudding of a body against the floor.
"NO!" Everyone screamed. Kaitlyn fell to her knees, feeling as though the wind had been knocked from her own body, and she scooped Baenab's motionless form in her arms.
"She didn't even get to have her first kiss with Zafa," Laybi murmured in a trance-like state.
"She's had her first kiss alright," PreetyKiran said with a smirk before she remembered that Baenab had just been shot and contorted her expression into a sad frown.
Kaitlyn had only just let out a howl that sounded like the one John Watson let out when Mary died (Sherlock fans know what I'm talking about) when Harward tsked. He had only moved a step forward when he found three guns being pointed directly back at him.
"An eye for an eye, as they say," Cho Han hissed. Harward, to their immense surprise, merely smirked.
"Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you," he said coolly. "One small mark on my body and you'll find that you're responsible for a friend's death. You see, I've installed some cameras around this area and my bodyguards are watching you as we speak. Some of you have been marked as targets. You pull the trigger," his eyes moved ominously from Cho Han to Abby Ghale, "and you might find that the person next to you has been shot as well. Now we wouldn't want a mess on these lovely school floors now, do we? It'd save the cleaning ladies quite a lot of trouble."
Everyone looked at one another and reluctantly brought their guns down.
"Good girls." Harward's smile grew wider.
By now, Kaitlyn had begun to sob hysterically and Harward's lip curled in distaste.
"Oh do stop your wailing," he muttered. "She isn't dead. Merely unconscious."
"W-What?" Kaitlyn looked up at him. "Seriously? You couldn't have told me this earlier?"
"Drama." Harward pirouetted like a ballerina. "It's what I live for."
"What do you want from us?" Cho Han asked. "We're of no use to you at all, I don't know why you're chasing after us like a creepy stalker."
"Well, 'tis indeed true that I, Harward the Holy, cannot extract much advantage from lingering around mere mortals such as yourselves." He paused thoughtfully, stroking his hairless chin. "And yet...despite my qualms, I find myself thinking of all those great Emperors of the past...how they all had wives...and I do not..."
"EW EW EW!" Baenab had woken up all of a sudden and had slapped her hand against her mouth in disgust. "HE WANTS TO MARRY ONE OF US!"
"Did you just assume he wanted a monogamous marriage?" Laybi snapped angrily. "It is perfectly acceptable in many cultural traditions, particularly among monarchs, to have more than one wife. In fact, Harward would be well within his princely rights to marry all of us, should it suit his needs."
"Needs?" Kaitlyn's face paled with ill-disguised revulsion. "Does he even have needs?"
"STOP INTERRUPTING ME!" Harward screamed, going very red in the face. "Harwardina does that all the time and I will NOT have my potential brides doing the same to me! And no," he said, turning sharply to Laybi, "I think one wife should be sufficient for the time being."
Laybi smiled. "I was saving myself for Yulicious anyway."
"And what makes you think any of us would marry you?" Abby Ghale asked, contempt written all over her face. Harward chuckled.
"Well, there's the matter of all your lives being at stake," he said pleasantly. There was an evil glint in his eye that suggested there was much more in this bargain than just their lives, and Kaitlyn felt her insides twist into sharp, painful little knots as Harward continued on: "You see, it is quite often the case that geniuses create terrible inventions... along with the means to destroy them."
"What?" Kaitlyn whispered and she stepped forward. "You mean you—you've had the cure to this—this virus the whole time? The whole time?"
Harward shrugged. "Yes—naturally, anyone with half as good a brain as mine would understand the repercussions of creating such a deadly virus. I had to have a cure, just in case things got...out of control, should we say." His mouth twisted cruelly. "And, of course, what better way to exercise power than through dangling the carrot in front of the donkey?"
"I'm not a donkey," Baenab murmured. "Although I can't say the same for the others."
"So you see," Harward said, hands clasped together, "it is either a marriage to myself or the loss of a cure that could save so many lives."
"So you're saying you'll give us the cure if one of us m-" Cho-Han took a deep breath. "M-Marries you?"
"Precisely." Harward grinned. "How very astute you are, Miss Cho-Han."
"DIBS I'M NOT MARRYING HIM!" Baenab screamed. Everyone else groaned.
"I was just gonna say that..." Kaitlyn sighed mournfully.
"Tick tock, tick tock, ladies," Harward said. "Opportunity is not a lengthy visitor."
"I'll marry you, Harward."
The voice came from none of the girls from the group, but from another source entirely. A silhouette that stood by a doorway next to them stepped out into the light and everyone let out a simultaneous gasp.
It was Portugirl.
"Can't say I'm surprised," Baenab muttered, prompting a look from Kaitlyn.
"Portugirl, this isn't a play," Kaitlyn said urgently. "If you're serious about tying the knot with him, you've got to know—and I mean it—it's the real deal."
"And you can't even divorce him because you're Catholic," Laybi added.
"I know it's not a play," Portugirl muttered, a dead look in her eyes. "I realized after Haligram shot Pun-Low...she would never have done that unless she really knew Alles Claar was truly dead. Also Mr Legitimate came back to life, which would be really poor writing if this was a play," she added.
Kaitlyn fanned herself briefly at the mention of Rednaxela Legitimate's name.
"They were lovers you know," Portugirl said, still in a sort of trance-like state.
"Mr Legitimate and Alles Claar?!" Kaitlyn cried in outrage.
"No, of course not!" Portugirl exclaimed. "I meant Haligram and Alles Claar."
There was a chorus of "OOOOHS" alongside side-comments (mostly from Baenab) such as "Haligram and Alles, huh? Who would've thought?" and "FINALLY SOME LGBT REPRESENTATION!" from...well you can guess who said that.
"ENOUGH!" Harward cried. He swooped down on Portugirl and took her hand, kissing it as though he were kissing a snail. "So you are to be my lawful wedded and bedded wife, eh? Well, it could've been worse. Come with me, darling, and we shall rule – not as equals, for I am your superior—together."
"HOLD UP!" Baenab said. "What about the cure you promised us?"
"Ah yes." Harward giggled. "Follow me girls and I shall show you the cure you so desperately seek..."
With a mixed sense of apprehension and foreboding, the group followed him, watching in slight disgust as Portugirl slipped her hand into his.
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