"There he is!" You exclaim cheerfully as you wait on the porch for Bucky to come home just as he starts to walk up the path. "Say hi daddy!" You carry on and wave Theo's hand as he sits on your hip.
He giggles in a high pitched baby screeching kind of way and gives a gummy smile.
When Bucky who initially hadn't seen you guys because he had his head down, seemingly concentrating in thought looks up and spots you he breaks out into a huge lopsided smile that Theo's pretty much matches bar the lack of teeth, looking much happier.
"Hey!" He greets you and holds his arms out. "How is everyone?"
"Good." You beam as he comes over and gives you a quick kiss on the lips and steals Theo from you. "We've got some exciting news," you add, unable to wait.
"Oh good please do tell because I have news too, although it isn't that good." He huffs, his face going more serious again.
"Oh?" You frown, your mood becoming much more concerned.
Bucky's bad news is always worse than you'd think what with his job.
"You go first, I don't want to spoil yours," he states.
"Okay, u-um." You clear your throat trying to be happier again rather than nervous and concerned. "I think Theo started to discover some of his abilities today!"
"Really?!" Bucky gasps. "He's only five months old."
"Yes but he's definitely a lot stronger than either of the others were at his age and he's already trying to walk when he's barely started to crawl, he's already talking, I mean not actual words but like he thinks it is and he responds to us when we talk to him. He just seems really advanced for his age," you explain.
"Wow. It sounds to me like we've got a genius baby on our hands!" Bucky jokes lightheartedly as he tosses Theo up a bit who bursts out laughing.
"It's your genes he's inherited," you point out.
"My manipulated genes," he makes a point to mention. "I wasn't born like this. It'll be interesting to see how it affects him as a child."
"Still, he's got it from you." You shrug. "But seriously, today I was playing this little hand game with him and he started to push on my hand and it actually took a decent amount of effort to stop him from moving it."
"Hm, this could either be really cool or make things really difficult." He frowns.
"Yes." You nod in agreement. "Now for your news..."
"Okay well it's not something you haven't heard before so it won't be too much of a shock but you're still not going to like it," he warns you. "It just hasn't happened for a while now."
Your heart sinks, you know exactly what he's talking about.
"Bucky no..." you huff. "Please don't tell me."
"Yes doll, I'm really sorry. I have to go on a mission," he says gravely.
The worst part is that as much as you hate it there's nothing you can do to stop it because it's for a good reason.
You've been lucky really, since he got injured there it just happens to be that there hasn't been any missions since then so for the past few months you haven't had to worry about it that much. But that doesn't make you any less nervous or it any easier this time, nor does it get less stressful the more times he goes away.
"I'm sorry it came up so suddenly. We have to leave in to mornings. It's quite a serious mission. I think I could be gone for quite a while, maybe even a month," he explains hesitantly and pulls you in for a hug. "I'm sorry, I really am."
As much as you want to protest and as frustrated as it makes you it's not his fault and all you can do is nod.
~~~~
You know these mission never run smoothly, something always goes amiss. So why did you take for granted that he would arrive home safely soon enough? How could you have been so careless and stupid?
You should've paid more attention to the way he sat at the dinner table with Luke on his last afternoon home before he left and helped him with his homework. How he rested his hand on the back of his sons chair and pointed at the different diagrams, patiently explaining how to work out all the different equations and calmly sealed with Luke's frustration when he just couldn't quite figure it out.
You should've watched more carefully when he took Isla's tony hand in his and walked with a stoop as she led him into the living room to play with her dolls for half an hour before she went bed. Listened to the conversation they were having and how much he genuinely seemed to care about what outfit Dolly Molly should wear to dinner because he knew it meant the world to Isla.
You should've taken more notice of how he took just an extra few minutes to put Theo down that night. Perhaps you should've watched from the doorway, seen the way you know he would've gently laid the little baby down and tucked the blankets around him tightly before pressing a kiss to his forehead. You wonder whether he told him a bedtime story and if so what one, or what he talked to him about even though he knew Theo couldn't answer him properly.
You should've taken into account how much he really truly loves those kids and how much it hurt him to have to leave them for an undetermined amount of time, to leave you. You should've realised how much he really didn't want to go and do it but he had to because he's a superhero.
When he finally got some alone time with you that evening you should've tried to talk more, while you were packing maybe or even just staying up later while cuddling rather than falling asleep. Even though the mood was solemn you should've just tried to find something more to say, another way to show him how much you love him and were going to miss him.
And when the car that he was in was pulling away you should've kept watching and waving and smiling and bidding goodbye until the car had completely disappeared around the corner far up the street when there was absolutely no chance you could see him or he could see you anymore.
You should've treasured all of these moments. Because now you know that they all could've been - probably are - last times for him, last times for all of you.
All of a sudden you have so many regrets that you didn't even bat an eyelid at before.
How things can change just like that. Because now you are sitting in S.H.I.E.L.D headquarters and after just being told what you have, they are all the things at the forefront of your mind.
Everything is a blur except Steve's words keep running through your head clear as day.
"Hydra got Bucky." He said.
Those three words keep ringing in your brain, rattling back and forth, echoing louder and louder, pounding their way out and making you feel like your eardrums are about to explode.
The walls are closing in on you all of a sudden. Your chest is tight, it's getting harder and harder to breath. Is this what a panic attack feels like? Wait, or is it a heart attack? No. You're dying. You feel like you're slipping further and further into a black whole. You can hear the others trying to grab you and tug you back out but they can't quite do it, because Hydra got Bucky.