TW - SUICIDAL THOUGHTS
It has been a long few days. The boys just got off their break, and they haven't spent time at home for about a week. Working on their next comeback has taken a lot out of them as a whole. You've only seen your boyfriend, Taehyung, once in all this time, and it was for a cutesy little movie date, which was interrupted when Joon set off a fire alarm by accident.
Aside from this, you've always hated these frigid, dreary winter months, usually for different reasons, but Tae's constant absence makes you want to die. Not even "Jingle Bell Rock" can draw you out of your slump.
You think it's apathy, yet all these sickening qualms come to you every once in a while. You're halfway there.
It's a little after midnight. You lay motionlessly on your side of the bed, turned toward the window instead of the door, and your bare legs are exposed to cold air. You curl them against your chest as an attempt to feel less isolated. Tae always used to tell you to dress warmly; he even bought you an electric blanket for when he isn't here (he likes to brag about his natural heat, claiming it's the key to your relationship). But the blanket remains unplugged, untouched at the foot of your bed as you tremble in your shorts and his large T-shirt. There are urges bombarding you from every direction, telling you to brush your teeth, to put on some socks. You can't seem to move an inch though.
You miss him so badly it's physically restraining you. He's all you think about. Deep down, you sort of blame him for leaving you alone the whole week, but you remind yourself that you love him, so it's fine. All you have been doing is yoga and watching live performances anyway, which you could easily do with Tae around. He's just in the shower or something.
You hear some keys click against each other, shoes patter on the floor, and soft laughter as Taehyung almost coincidentally approaches the door to your bedroom. He seems to hang up his phone before he comes in, but you're not paying full attention. You don't even turn to see him yet, but the light from the hallway infiltrates your pitch black room and makes your teary eyes sore.
Without a word, the muscular boy shuts the door quickly and removes his shirt before shuffling to his side of the bed and laying down. He scoots to your side and kisses your temple, but when he returns to his side, you release a whimper and flip over so you can effectively hug your boyfriend.
"Ah," Tae laughs at the sudden contact. He giggles as he secures his arms around the feel of his own T-shirt. "Hi, baby."
You don't say a word, just bury yourself in Tae's warmth. You won't cry on him. You will not.
"I missed you," he whispers after realizing how emotional you probably are. "This week was really hard for me. I'm so sorry."
"I still miss you," you murmur against Taehyung's skin, your cold hands connecting behind his back. "It's like you're not even real."
"I know, and I'm sorry," he whispers. "I'll try to avoid weeks like this from now on--ah, you're freezing."
"Not anymore," you say, nearly smiling at your cheesiness.
"It's December. Please be warm for me," Taehyung says. "People die from freezing. Your heart rate must be zero."
"I wouldn't mind that right now." After the sour words come out of your mouth, Taehyung squeezes you tighter despite inwardly hating the feeling of your cold fingers on his back.
"Please don't say that," Tae mumbles, stroking your hair. He knows it's a touchy subject for you, hence his nerves when you make jokes about death.
Out of the blue, your stomach grumbles. It almost vibrates against Tae, but he wouldn't have felt it. However, it was loud enough to startle your attentive and all-too-apologetic boyfriend, and he wonders, "Did you eat today?"
"Yeah," you lie. It's such a bad lie at that. You're bloated with water, so you don't know why your stomach is rumbling. You start to panic as Tae keeps prying.
"What did you have?" Tae asks, his voice low and his thumbs rubbing patterns on you. "Tell me, baby."
"Lunch," you mutter. Your stomach gets louder.
"Let's get something to eat," Tae offers, seeing right through you. He sits up in a way that pulls you with him. "I'll make you something. Jin taught me a thing or two."
"I don't want food," you whine.
"I know you're hungry," Tae says factually. "You can't deny your body what it needs. You'll pass out."
"So?" you ask. "Tae, I'm sure it's nothing. I'm not actually hungry. I'm on my period or something."
Tae stays quiet for a minute, pushing you off his chest ever so gently but just so he can look into your eyes. It's dark, but your vision has adjusted. Tae looks absolutely wrecked, not from disappointment in you but from weeklong exhaustion. You feel bad for giving him a hard time and for being with him long enough to make him worry about you. You wish he would worry about himself.
He has stared at you for about a minute, sadness evident in his eyes. Then, defeatedly, he asks, "Why aren't you eating?"
"I am," you assure him. All you do is lie, you bitch.
"When I came home, the kitchen cabinets were open from when I was here last. I know you hate when I leave them open."
You're suddenly intrigued. "Did... did you close them before coming to bed?"
"No," he shakes his head, his long fringe falling over his eyes during the brief motion. "Why didn't you?"
"I... they reminded me of you," you struggle, looking down at your lap. You twiddle your fingers anxiously, awaiting another one of Tae's painfully smart observations.
"Stop lying to me," he pleads, sounding heartbroken. It's the worst sound. "You couldn't have known I'd be gone that long. I didn't even know it myself. You haven't been doing much around here, have you?"
"No," you say quietly, finally collapsing. The guilt was too real for you to persist. It has always been hard for you to lie to Taehyung.
"Please take care of yourself," Tae says. "Take a shower. Go outside. Talk on the phone. Eat something. You need to be healthy for me, baby. I want you to be happy during Christmastime."
"I don't want to."
"But when I'm not here, I'm worried enough that you'll feel left behind," he argues. "Now I'm worried that you're not only sad but starving, cold, and sick. It's a horrible feeling."
"I'm sure this one's worse," you tell him, not thinking about how little that would help Tae cope. You change your tone: "I'll be okay. I haven't stopped taking my medicine."
"Thank you, thank you, thank you," Tae sighs with relief, swooping down to kiss you on your lips three times with an unmeasurable amount of joy. He squeezes you after that, so impressed with you.
But that was another one of your lies.
"I'm so proud of you. That's one thing you know you have to keep up with, and you did it," he smiles softly.
"Thank you," you force out, grabbing Tae's huge hands and pressing your forehead onto his chest. You want perpetual skinship; Tae is all the health and good living you need.
"Please eat something for me," Tae requests again, "before we go to sleep. I'll eat with you."
You look at him with unsure eyes, but he readily guides the two of you into the kitchen and tells you to sit while he makes eggs and toast.
"Did you do anything cool this week?" you ask, leaning on your elbows as you slump in your chair.
"We've been dancing a whole lot," Tae enthuses, but you can still tell he's exasperated; you look at the clock, and it reads 00:57. "I had a lot of fun. Hoseok taught me a new move, too. I can show you tomorrow!"
Kim Taehyung makes his deadbeat girlfriend breakfast at one in the morning and offers to dance for her even though he's probably 10 times more fatigued than she is. What did you do to deserve him?
And all you can think about is how many lies you've told him. Let's see... that's six so far. You can be such a spoiled prick sometimes, you know that?
After what feels like the blink of an eye, Tae slides you a plate with steaming scrambled eggs and a triangular piece of toast. You are somewhat happy to see a glass of orange juice, too. He has the same meal for himself, but his proportions are a lot bigger than yours, so you respect him for knowing your limits--not that you didn't respect him beforehand.
All you can do is stare at the meal and listen to Tae's fork squeak on his ceramic plate. Then, suddenly, you feel your face heat up and burst into tears. You should not be eating this, nor should you be dating Taehyung. He's way too pure. He's way too precious for you to damage with your illness.
"Hey, what's the matter?" Tae asks, turning his chair to face yours. He holds your hands and lets you nearly cut off the circulation in his, his eyes scanning your face as tears evacuate. "Crying is good. It's supposed to make you feel better."
"It fucking doesn't," you bleat, your chest heaving in almost a hyperventilation kind of fashion. "I hate it here. I-I want you to be on--on your own so you don't have to deal with me."
Tae rises to his feet slowly, his expression grave and unreadable. He takes you with him.
"I'm n-not joking this time, Taehyung."
"[Y/N]," he says softly. You hiccup as the tears speed up and your breaths are strewn apart in a sloppy way. You're so ugly when you cry. "Look at me."
It takes everything in you to keep your eyes open, but your shoulders hop up and down as you sob messily. You see fear in Tae's eyes, but you want to listen to him.
"I've never been more serious in my life," he disclaims, "or scared, at that. But you must know that I'm so in love with you it hurts. Now, I understand how desperate this situation is, so if being with me were to take you down, I'd have to go down, too. I want you to do what's best for you, okay? I will be proud of your decision and respect it."
"Wh-what are--are you saying?" you stammer, appalled at how slightly Taehyung's facial expression has changed. He's not showing emotion in case it makes you nervous or feel pressured; instead, he's a responsible authority right now. God, Tae is so perfect. You continue to babble, "I... don't understand."
"Do you need a break?" Tae simplifies, still gripping your hands tightly enough to keep them from shaking. "Please do what's best for you. I could never be offended at a time like this, so if you need some time, I'll give it to you."
"Tae, I-I don't want to lose you," you crumble. He swallows, and you watch his Adam's apple bob. He nods with a little bit of a smile. "But I don't deserve you either."
"You deserve the world, baby," he replies, his voice shrunken and deep as the moment becomes less intense.
"I'm selfish."
"You're humble."
"I'm lazy."
"You're tired."
"I hate life."
"Maybe you haven't found yours yet. Your life, I mean. You need to be out there."
You sigh, looking at the floor. You can hardly make out where your ankles end and your feet begin because hot tears have flooded your vision. "You expect me to do all this brave stuff, but I can never be like you, Tae."
"I don't want you to be like me, I want you to be like you," he remarks.
"But--" you begin, your mouth open but the flux of words abruptly dammed. You blink and look at Tae's face. Finally, his eyes have become red with both sorrow and faith, and he's biting the inside of his bottom lip--an anxious habit of his.
He loosens his hands and stands up more straight, walking into you and hugging you gently yet firmly at that same time.
"By the way, I don't want to lose you either," Taehyung mumbles. As you slide your cold arms around his bare waist, the last of your tears smear on his pectorals, and you close your eyes as you take in his temperature, his heartbeat, his affection.
He descends slightly to whisper into your ear, "Let's eat, okay? We'll get it over with. We can sleep in tomorrow and watch your favorite movie."
"You have to work," you say skeptically.
You feel him shake his head. "Not anymore. You're much more important than a single studio day."
You back up and nod, sitting on the edge of your chair and breaking off a piece of toast. You realize Tae is still standing, and you turn your eyes only, beginning to question him. He has the biggest grin on his face.
"What?" you ask.
"[Y/N], you make me so happy."
-
a/n
hi! first of all, i don't think i'm going to update this book ever, seeing as i am no longer an army. i only had one draft of it when i first came up with the idea and this was it (and i originally wrote it at like 11pm on a week day).. sorry if any of the details are inconsistent. hope the trigger warning was enough! was the story good?