Todd found himself being pulled high above the house and his room began to fade in the soft mist of the clouds. A bewildering sadness ached in his heart and he yearned to stay longer. Anger began to overwhelm the sadness as he looked around him and he cried out, "NO Not now! Things are just getting good! I'm not ready!"
He strained to see his house, and the mist parted so that he could see everything from a distance, like looking through a spyglass. As tears threatened to fall, he ignored the soft voices surrounding him. Gentle arms caressed him, as he rose higher and higher through the clouds.
We know, whispered the voices. It's always hard at first when it's so sudden. He had been given three more years, so many prayers were answered then. But now it was time.
His feet shifted as if he was standing on dry sand and ocean waves gently washed his feet. He looked down through wisps of clouds. The widened and he noticed a man in a long, flowing, white robe, waving to him with a white feather pen.
Todd blinked back a smile. This is all just a dream, he thought. Did that man look like Bill Murray?
He felt a little hand slip into his and a quiet voice asked, "Is that your mommy?"
Todd looked down and saw a little girl, around six years old, with pearl-white curls pulled back high with a pink polka-dot bow. She was looking down at his mother, who had just moved away and had walked down the hall outside his bedroom, resting against the wall.
"Yes, it is," he said, choking back the sadness.
"Why is she crying?"
"She misses me, I guess."
The little girl looked up at his face, her bright blue eyes questioning him.
"Why are you crying?"
"I miss her."
The little girl crossed her arms as she looked down at Todd's mother with a sad pout.
"I miss my dog, Shelby."
Todd glanced down at her polka dot bow, a smile creeping through his sadness.
"What's your name?" he asked, quietly
"Haley Margaret Jenson," she stated proudly. "What's your name, Mister?" she said, enthusiastically.
He waited a moment before answering, preoccupied with the scene unfolding below them.
"Todd," he said. "Todd Clifford Thomas."
"What do they call you? I have a little friend down there. His name is Brady. I watch over him sometimes when he is sad. His parakeet died."
Todd looked down at her and smiled weakly. Does she understand where she is?
"Of course, silly. I'm in Heaven."
He shrugged, unsurprised that she could read his mind. He glanced again at his surroundings, noticing that he was standing in the middle of billowing cotton candy.
"I'm Todd. Well, my dad and brother call me, Toddo. My mom calls me Todd."
They were sitting on a wall of clouds, watching as his family arrived below them.Haley nodded her head, her white curls bouncing as she leaned forward to get a better look. She saw a man sitting in an easy chair, looking around at the people joining them. He stood up to accept hugs.
"Is that your daddy?"
"Uh-huh."
She turned toward him and cupped her hand as if to tell him a secret. He smiled at that, knowing that no one could hear her. At least no one down there, on earth.
"He's drinking, you know." Her eyes were bright with a knowing sadness. He nodded. "He's been drinking since last night."
"I know."
"My daddy and mommy drank all the time." She looked at him, confused. "I just don't understand how sodas can make you act that way." Her hands exaggerated her words.
Haley shook her head and continued talking, this time out loud.
"I wasn't allowed to drink sodas. Daddy got mad at me one time when I drank his soda." She leaned into Todd and said, "He hurt me then. He threw the glass at me, and it broke. It scratched my arm. I started crying and that made him madder. My mommy sent me to my room, with no dinner."
The truth was stated so simply. Todd looked down at her, tried to smile. She slipped her hand inside his again.
"The Scribe told me to come see you," she whispered.
They both turned around to see the man in a long, flowing white robe standing nearby. Todd noticed he was writing in a large, weathered book he held in his hands. The Scribe waved a white-feathered pen at them, nodding and giving them a "thumbs up" gesture. With eyebrows lifted, Todd nodded back.
A billow of clouds floated below them, changing colors as it did. Todd heard the voices comforting him. His mood was lifted by their words, and although he was unsure what was happening, he was not afraid. He slowly began to understand where he was.
He must be in Heaven.
He saw a medic sit by his mother's side as she leaned towards him. He remembered what she had said to him, was it just yesterday? She picked him up at work, grinning widely as he got into the car. He had smiled at her sheepishly, waiting for what she was about to say. She was proud of him. She asked if he remembered what she had told him when he asked if he would ever be in the same place his friends were life-would he ever "catch up."
Her words echoed in his memory.
"I told you that you needed to make up for those three years from your accident and depression. Remember?" He did." Well, not only have you 'caught up' to being twenty-six, you're also wise beyond your years." His heart swelled even now as he remembered her words. "And if I were thirty years younger, and of course-not your mother, I'd think you were hot. Look at you with that hard - working look and all. You're so handsome." The moment she said those words, he knew his world and everything he had regretted from the past, was now behind him. He had grinned at her and said, "Oh, Mom," at her words, but he felt good inside.
He grinned now as he had then. Haley squeezed his hand.
"She's nice, your mommy. She's funny."
He looked down at the little girl, the smile still warm on his face
"Why was she holding you like that? Doesn't she know?" Haley whispered.
"She's saying goodbye." His voice choked as he spoke.
They sat there, on the wall of clouds, watching his aunt and uncle, then his brother Adam, and his wife, Lindsey, enter his house below.
His sadness transformed into a subtle aching, a tug of longing. Everything seemed surreal. He willed himself to reach down to touch his brother. He wanted to tell him goodbye. He was a funny, supportive and protective brother. Todd loved him very much. He wished he had said so more often.
Anger and resentment began to creep into his sadness, again.
A firm hand squeezed his shoulder and a deep voice, sounding a bit like his brother, said, "Easy, Todd. You can't change what has happened. It was your time."
Haley rested her head on his arm, her hand touching his hand. He heard her breathing. She must have fallen asleep.
"She needed to sleep. She's been here since yesterday and all she could do was as what happened."
Todd heard the voice from behind him, this time sounding like his own. Who was he?
He squinted up at the man standing next to him. He was a giant of a man, with a barrel chest and familiar, laughing eyes. He did not know him, they had never met - yet he recognized him immediately. The soft, golden eyes; the silver-yellow hair glowing in the sunshine—an older male version of his mother.
"Grandpa Carl?" Todd said, eyes raised in wonder. The man nodded, folding his large frame and sitting down beside his grandson.
"She's going to be all right, you know. She doesn't feel that way now. She's going to miss you for a very long time. Forever."
Todd smiled at the grandfather he had never met. Grandpa Carl had a very kind face, full of joy and laughter, just like his mother had told him and Adam when she recounted stories from her childhood.
Grandpa Carl looked down at Ben, who was sitting on the couch in the living room, forlorn.
"Your dad's the one who is going to have a rough time. He's a good man, and he will get through. He has choices he needs to make. I'm sure he'll make the right ones."
Todd nodded as he watched his father reach into a paper bag tucked under the recliner and poured some vodka into a glass.
"I think he was drinking last night, when I asked him if he wanted to go with us to a movie."
Grandpa Carl nodded. "Probably."
"He said, we'll see."
"Don't we all do that when we're drinking? It's kind of hard to commit to something when you don't know how tomorrow will turn out, you know. Like if you would still be drinking and all."
"I don't want to be here," Todd said softly. "I wanted more time. Things were just getting good."
"I know. Same here."
He sat next to his grandfather, Haley resting her head on his arm, breathing deeply.
"I've been wanting to give you this since the day you first picked up a bat and ball."
Todd saw the baseball hat Grandpa Carl had in his hand. It was black and white with Washington Senators scrawled across the front.
Todd adjusted the cap as it was placed on his head.
"How old were you, about three?"
Todd nodded, thinking about how much he wanted to play when his father and brother would toss the baseball around in the yard. He used to wear an oversized glove, and they had each taken turns tossing the ball to him.
"Mom would join us," Todd said, feeling comfortable next to the man he had never met in life.
Todd folded the brim of the baseball cap just right before putting it back on. Haley snuggled into his arm as she hummed in her sleep. Grandpa Carl was on his other side, a strong arm draped around his shoulder. Todd felt a sense of belonging.
He watched the people he loved moving about below. He hoped it would not take too long for him to learn how to help them through. He wanted to make things better for them. As his mother used to tell him, she was happy when her family was happy.
He felt relief to know that if his family were happy down there, he could be happy up here.