Chapter 25
My eyes switched between the cute floral top and the fitted black top.
I placed the floral top over the pair of high waisted denim jeans on the bed, and then switched the floral top for the black one. This pattern only repeated for the next five minutes. I didn't know why I felt so nervous, this wasn't going to be the first time Paul and I spent time alone, but there was a label on it this time. Our first date. Not just watching a movie or having lunch in the cafeteria. This time was slightly more daunting. Thinking back, I couldn't remember feeling this nervous about any other dates I'd been on before. But then again, Paul was different.
Definitely the black top; it was more me.
A knock on my door captured my attention and without a second thought I called out.
"Come in!" My mother opened the door and entered the room, closing the door after herself. I glanced over her attire (she wore a stunning pair of black pants that complimented the length of her legs, paired with a cute split sleeve white blouse) and turned back to my outfit. Maybe the floral shirt would look dressier?
"Kira, I was intending to ask if you were available tonight...but it seems you still have plans with Paul?" She asked, glancing down at the clothes on the bed, and pile of clothes by my drawers. I frowned and slowly turned to face her. My mother and I rarely spent much time together in Australia, if ever we spent anytime together. Often, if we it was only us two home alone at night, I opted instead to visit friends and spend time with them than stay at home with her. Yet, here she was asking to spend time with me. And I wasn't going to prioritise her.
"Oh, um...maybe tomorrow night?" I offered, "Paul is supposed to pick me up at seven." I glanced at my alarm clock to see that I had another hour before I was to expect him at the sliding door. She nodded and sat down on the bed, confusing me slightly. I honestly expected her to take that one on the chin and turn back around, leaving me to get ready on my own.
"I visited Sue today, while you were at school" She informed me, her tone light and a small smile on her lips. Is my mother making small talk?
"Oh, really," To be honest, I wasn't sure how to respond, "That must have been nice. You guys used to be pretty tight as kids, right?" She nodded.
"A long time ago. It seems, though, we still have a lot in common now." I couldn't help but think that they both shared the title of widows and felt a drop in my gut.
"That's nice. Did you catch up then?"
"We did and we had lots to cover, so it was lovely to do so." I nodded, feeling myself slowly relax but not allowing myself to fall completely under her spell. I wanted to remain alert just in case I had to jump into defence. "Anyway, this Paul character...he seems interesting." My mind drifted to the conversation Paul and I shared at his place yesterday. And quickly my relaxation was fading.
"I can't believe you offered him money" I scoffed with disbelief, turning to the pile of clothes on the floor and slowly start picking each up to stuff back in the drawer. My mother didn't look shocks or defensive at the fact.
"Ah, so he told you, did he?" Her eyes darted around the room, looking from the picture of the wolf, on the wall, and the desk with all my books piled on the surface.
"Yes. He did. I can't believe you did that."
"I wanted to test his character. I wanted to see how high he'd jump and, much to my surprise, he hardly left the ground."
"Much to your surprise?" I repeated. "He's not what you think he is? He isn't motivated by money like the awful rich men in your circle of influence." My mother grinned.
"No, but men are always motivated by something and I just scratched one off the list."
"Why do you have to do this? Why do you have to dissect him? You're wasting your time!"
"When it concerns you, Kira, I'm never wasting my time." This one threw me off guard. How was I supposed to challenge that? I knew that she cared about me, I've known that fact all along, and I care about her just as much. It was only when Dad passed that we forgot how to show that care and situations piled on top of one another that further complicated that broken line of communication. I let out a sigh and rested my back against my chest of drawers.
"Can you just be concerned in the back seat? You didn't have to go to that extent."
"You know," She stood up from the bed and wandered to the window, "I never really liked Dustin. You also know that I don't feel certain ways without it being backed up by reason and facts first. Initially, I didn't like Dustin because I didn't think the relationship between the pair of you was real, but only physical. I thought it was a distraction that was creating a road block in your grief, which in turn was making you act out so profusely. But then I watched the way you two interacted and I changed my mind a little. Then, I sent you to live here and once again, my facts changed. He came to the house the day you were taken to the airport and that particular day I was working from home so naturally I was around when he showed up at the door. He pounded at the door and rung the bell more times than I liked the sound of hearing it. Oh, boy, his face said it all. He was utterly heartbroken and—"
"Please, stop."
"I don't want to make you feel guilty, but I realised that whatever you two shared had stood on a real foundation. And I was pleased that you had found one another. It was then that I realised that your relationship was helpful, perhaps a good remedy to overcome the lose of your father and there was something else stumping your progress." I wanted her to continue. She was so close. So, so close. Why couldn't she just say it?
"It wasn't too late to stop me from coming here then. Why didn't you call me back home?" I wondered. Not that I regretted my time here or wished I'd never been sent here, but more so why it mattered to her that I spent time in La Push. Her eyes narrowed out at the forest as she paused, her hands interlocked in front of her and she remained still.
"Because I wanted you to experience La Push, despite it being a small town there was so much it had to offer between the open space and lack of distractions. I had been planning it for a while, speaking to Aunt Willow about it, as well as Sue. Originally, I had thought to send you to stay with Aunt Willow, but the way you were still acting I didn't want to put that stress on her, if you were to behave the same way there. Then, Sue offered to take you in, thinking you'd bond with Leah. We thought you two might be able to help each other; she was grieving the loss of someone she loved too, although it wasn't quite the same as your grief, it was still grief. Anyway, I actually came over here in the beginning of the year to speak to Sue and Emily just so happened to be at the house and offered to take you in with her partner. I didn't like the idea of you staying in the same house as Sam Uley, but Sue thought it might be good as well. I trust Sue, so I agreed.
When my mother took me to the Makah Reservation it was some of my favourite and fondest memories and I just wanted to give you the opportunity to create something similar, rather than be surrounded by all the distractions in Australia. You know I don't lie and I don't like your circle of friends, so I hoped you'd meet more grounded people here, in the tribe."
It was a lot to take in. I figured her idea to send me here wasn't a spur in the moment decision, my mother never made impulsive decisions. I realised in all of that that she had my best interest in heart, and I suppose I'd always known that but there was something about hearing her say that was uplifting. Granted I had to read between the lines to get out what I wanted to hear. It had been a long time since she had been so candid with me like this, laying out her thought process and backing up her actions with her intentions.
"I hated you for sending me here," I started, lifting my eyes to glare at her, "I had to break up with Dustin, when everything was going so well, and I had to leave Will, where the longest time we had spent apart was a when he went to Europe for three months with his family. I had to leave everything I knew, the home I grew up, and the school I went to. It felt like I was thrown another curveball, it was like the thought that I was even around was too much for you."
"You think my decision was easy to make?"
"It seemed so," My tone was harsh, "Did you ask Emily how I've treated her?" My mother shoulders stiffened.
"Yes." When I didn't say anything, except look at her expectantly, did she continue. "And she could only express pure delight in having you around."
"Did that say anything to you?" I wondered, crossing my arms over my chest.
"Of course it did, Kira. It only told me what I already knew; that your issues are connected to me!" Her voice had risen as she expressed the words with a passion that I hadn't heart leave her lips for a long time. She always managed to maintain a cool and collected tone, that never quite gave away her emotions, only shared what she wanted you to hear. But this time was different; her full emotions were aired out. She let out a deep breath and her eyes dropped to her smart watch for a moment. I paused and waited for air to settle a bit. In a calmer voice I tried again.
"If that's what you knew, why did you send me away rather than solving the issue head on?" Her eyes lifted back to mine and then, they dropped back to her smart watch. I watched her brows furrow as she quickly read the words that popped up, before attempting to return her attention back to me.
"It wasn't an easy decision. One child was already out of the nest, doing his own thing with his career, and I was about to send my only other child away. I didn't want to—" Her eyes dropped back to her smart watch as she lifted her wrist to better see the message.
"You didn't want to send me away? Well, you did!" Her eyes lifted back up.
"I was just doing what I thought was best for you at the time. We weren't ready to face our issues with one another and our lack of communication was only making the relationship deteriorate faster. I sent you here to separate yourself from the voices in your ear and allow you a chance to think through everything and maybe move on a bit from your grief." Her eyes dropped back to her watch and I rolled my eyes. I couldn't concentrate on the conversation anymore with her divided attention.
"Just call them. I think we're done here." Her eyes lifted to meet mine and for a second I hoped she would detach the distraction from her wrist and throw it out of the window. But instead she let out a sigh and left the room, which left me with a lot to think about.
At seven o'clock, Paul sent me a text that he was in the driveway. I made my way out of the house, being sure to let Emily and Sam know where I was going, and found Paul sitting in his truck in the driveway. I hadn't seen my mother on the way out and, to be frank, I was glad I didn't. I didn't want her to see how much our conversation had affected me. I slid into the car with ease and pressed a kiss against Paul's warm cheek. He sent me a grin.
"You look stunning" He complimented.
"Thank you. You clean up pretty nice yourself."
"Of course I do" Paul teased with a smirk and pulled out onto the road. Despite the fact that Paul and I had known each other for a while now, I still felt a swirl of nerves in my gut as he drove the familiar roads towards the main strip in town. Small talk was made in the car, but Paul seemed that little bit giddy himself, based from the amount of times he turned his eyes from the road to me and fidgeted with the heater knobs.
"You sure you're not too cold because you know I can't feel it, so you have to be honest" He rambled, adjusting the heater for the fourth time. I laughed and reached forward, taking his hand in mine and holding it in my lap. I turned his palm upside and traced my finger over the lines in his palm. Instantly, I noticed a relaxation drop in his shoulders as he sheepishly sent me a grin. "Sorry."
"It's cute" I shrugged.
The La Push main strip wasn't much, but its simplicity held tranquillity in the air that made it inviting. There were more cars parked than I initially estimated and families walked along the sidewalk, occasionally ducking into the cute shops that stayed open for late night trading. The street was lit up with vintage looking light posts and sidewalk stole light from the stores and restaurants. Paul parked his truck along the main strip and he led us towards a quaint looking restaurant.
"I'm sorry it's nothing fancy. Sam's had us on high alert in the lead up to the battle, so I couldn't take you anywhere out of town" He admitted. I squeezed his hand, which accompanied mine, and sent him a smile.
"I love it, don't worry." He sent me an appreciative smile and opened the door for me. The inside of the restaurant had a rustic feel to it with all the wooden décor. Paul recounted his name to one of the waitresses whom led us to a table.
"Now, if you told me two months ago we'd be going on a date, I would have laughed my ass off" I teased, sending Paul a cheeky grin. Paul scoffed.
"I guess my charm is still in very good tact," He bragged. I playfully kicked his leg under the table and laughed along with him, as our eyes turned to the menu.
"Whatever you say, big guy. Your so called charm was very annoying."
"It worked, didn't it?"
"What can I say? My options were limited."
Conversation carried on during dinner and even in moments of silence, the atmosphere was still comfortable. I didn't feel pressured to continue the conversation when it faded because his company was enough for me to simply be. That absence of pressure made the time more relaxing and easy. I was worried that the official title of a date would create an awkward strain that wasn't there when we had casually spent time together alone, but it was just as it had been... easy and natural.
Once we were finished in the restaurant, we made our way back to his truck and hoped in. My eyes had quickly turned my attention to the array of stars flickering in the clear night sky. I leant forwards just to get a better look at the beauty of the night sky. The moon proudly showed of a crescent of itself, but against the shimmering stars it appeared to create the most picturesque view. I hadn't even noticed Paul had driven off, until he was back on the quiet and dark roads sending the truck into a faster speed.
"It's stunning when it's clear, isn't it?" He smiled. I nodded.
"I feel like I've never noticed it before" I admitted. He shrugged.
"It's probably because it's cloudy most of the time, so you don't get a chance to see them out." Before I knew it, Paul pulled into the car park at First Beach and came to a halt in front of the water. The sight in front of me just about took my breath away. There wasn't too much light being emitted by the moon, but what it did give off in combination with the stars created a stunning shimmer against the vast ocean.
"I've got one of those picnic blankets, did you want to go on the sand for a little bit?" I nodded almost immediately and eagerly opened the door to slide out. Paul followed me to the sand and opened the large blanket. I struggled to tear my eyes away from the sky as we lay down on the blanket. I didn't lie far from Paul, wanting to keep as warm as possible in the cool air. We were comfortably silent again as we looked up at the stars and took a moment to breath.
"Your mum seems pretty tough on you" Paul's voice broke the silence. I let out a sigh at the topic of my mother being brought up. I was feeling in limbo with her at the moment; which, oddly enough, was progress from when she arrived.
"Yeah, she is. My dad and I were pretty close, so I took it really hard when he passed on," I confessed, "Did Emily say much about why I was here?" Paul shook his head.
"Nah, I didn't even know they were taking care of you until I actually met you and Sam explained it to us, so we knew to be on our best behaviour."
"Well, my mother thought I was losing my mind a little while I was back at home and she didn't think my circle of friends were helping the situation, so she wanted me away from them quickly."
"Now that you have been separated from them, do you think she was right?" He asked, his tone was gentle and held only curiosity, no signs of judgment.
"They weren't exactly mild mannered citizens, but they also didn't provoke me into doing anything I didn't want to do. The problem was that we thought alike, so when one got a bad idea the others would generally support that idea, rather than discourage it and think a little more...sensibly. That probably wasn't for the best but, at the end of the day, we were a strong band of mates and I'd do anything for those idiots. Me being in La Push haven't changed those connections."
"I keep getting the impression you were a little rebellious" He chuckled.
"It's safe to say I didn't know what to do with all the grief and anger I was feeling after Dad."
"I know the feeling."
"How did you deal with it all?" I asked softly.
"Not well, that's for sure. I had my sister for the first year without him, before she moved away to Florida for her career and her partner. Then I had the pack and they became my family. They've been what I always wished for, to be honest," A smile lifted the corners of his lips, "But there was a period in between where I wasn't handling it well. I'm sure you've learnt that I can have a bit of a short temper and during that time it was really bad. I was actually in a relationship and that ended badly, which only seemed to add fuel to the fire. I slept around a bit, looking to fill that void of loneliness. For a while, it felt like I had no one." My heart broke as he described that time of his life.
"What about your mum? Do you get along with her?" I asked, realising I'd never met a Ms Lahote or really heard much about her.
"No, she left when I was young. I remember her and my Dad argued a lot and then one day she just up and left. I asked about her, but he never shed much light on the situation...just said she had too much will for La Push."
"That's pretty rough. Has she ever tried to make contact with you or your sister?"
"Not that I know of. I used to think she'd just show up one day and say that she'd seen all that there was to see and now she just wanted us...but soon enough I grew up and stopped caring."
"It's her loss, you know?" He smiled and wrapped his arm under my torso and pulled me closer against him.
"It's okay."
"It must be sort of fun to live alone though. Like independent and all that." He chuckled.
"Yeah, it's nice sometimes. I was lucky that Dad had mostly paid off the house, so my sister was able to finish off the payments before she left for Florida. Now I just pay the bills and maintain it. My sister is pretty supportive as well, she often calls up to check up and offer a hand if I ever need it."
"That's sweet."
"Yeah, it's nice." Our attention turned back to the night sky and my eyes couldn't help but jump from star to star, trying to create pictures.
"It's so stunning." I felt Paul lightly squeeze my waist.
"Not as stunning as the sight I've gotten to stare at all night." I lightly scoffed and turned my head to look up at his eyes, which held a twinkle of amusement mingled with another emotion.
"Still as smooth as ever, huh, Lahote?" He grinned.
"I can't turn it off."
"Yeah, right, you can't. I might just have to do it myself" I teased, inching myself ever so closely to him. His brow quirked, as he mocked my actions by inching closer to me.
"And how do you intend on doing that?" He enquired softly, but we both knew how. The desire in his eyes only increased as I crept closer to him. It would have been easy to quickly open the door to his emotions, in that moment, but I preferred being in the present as the energy between us turned electric. I tilted my chin upwards slightly and gently took a handful of his shirt in my hands, pushing my torso closer to his warm body. To be honest, all I wanted to do was swing my leg over him and take control of the moment, but at the same time there was something satisfying about prolonging the moment. He lifted his body slightly so that he could creep his lips closer and I almost wanted to just end the teasing right there and then.
But the glorious sound of Paul's phone ringing pulled us apart, as if a hot knife had cut the connection that was pulling us closer together. He let out a groan and plucked his phone out from his back pocket and fell back against the blanket.
"It's Emily." He muttered as he answered the phone. I relaxed myself in his arm and rested my head on his shoulder. "Yeah, okay. I'll bring her home." I frowned in disappointment as he hung up.
"I don't want to leave" I mumbled, childishly. He chuckled and pressed his lips against my temple.
"I know, but Emily asked me to bring you home." I let out a sigh and got up from the blanket. Paul stood up and lifted the blanket from the sand, throwing it in the tray of his truck before we jumped it.
I wasn't too sure whether to feel surprised or glad to see my mother's rental Mercedes in Emily's driveway, when we arrived back at the house. Paul took my hand in his as we walked towards the sliding door that led us into the dining area. My mother was standing at the kitchen, an untouched cup of tea in front of her and swiping at her smart watch. Emily was bustling around the kitchen, no doubt organising Sam a bit to eat for when he finished patrol. At the sound of our entrance, both Emily and my mother stopped to greet us.
"Good, you're back. There has been an emergency at work that they need me for...I'm going to have to leave." For a second my mother's words shocked me. I was expecting her to stay a little longer than she had and, after our conversation earlier in the night, I was hoping to finish that conversation. However, I shouldn't have expected so much from her, in fact this was expected. Work was always a high priority for her, particularly since she didn't have Dad anymore.
"I should have seen this coming from a mile away," I honestly responded, letting go of Paul's hand to cross my arms over my chest. My mother stepped closer to me and looked at me with disappointment in her own eyes. But rather than be disappointed with her, I looked away from her and scrunched my nose. "This is so like you to waltz in and be all bossy, only to waltz back on out."
"I really didn't mean for this to happen, Kira. I organised myself so I could optimize my time here, but this happened out of my control. I'm sorry." This was the first time in a long time she had apologised for running back to work and I should have turned back to her, with understanding in my eyes and told her that everything was okay; that I understood that she had a business to run and that these things happen. But instead, I looked back at her, with eyes void of emotion and laughed without humour.
"I'll most likely hear from you soon, when I screw up next."
"Don't act like this, Kira. I was hoping you'd be more mature than this" She retorted, lifting her chin to shadow my challenge.
"We didn't even get a chance to talk properly."
"I know, but we can talk soon," Her eyes dropped back to the dumb watch, "I really must leave." My mother and I hadn't shown much affection in a long time so I hadn't expected her to kiss me on the forehead or embrace me. She did neither, just as I assumed, but rather placed her hand on my shoulder as she walked around me.
"I'll be in touch." And just like that she had walked away from me for the umpteenth time. The room was silent for a couple of moments.
"I'm going to go take a shower." And I did just that. I hadn't expected to find Paul sitting on my bed when I got out the shower, but welcomed his presence in a heartbeat. After he cleaned up, we slipped under the covers and drifted off into a slumber within a matter of moments.
Some time during the middle of the night, a shifting movement had woken me up. I kept my eyes closed as light footsteps gently stepped around the bed and left the room through the open door. The lack of weight in the bed beside me made left me with the assumption that Paul had left, probably to go home or on patrol. I felt his absence for a short while, but quickly drifted back into sleep.