| 3 | t h r e e
The car doors shut with a loud clap behind us, the wind kicking up and curling through my hair. I squint through the daylight, tugging my scarf further up around my neck. The winter sun is barely here.
'It's number five, right?' I ask Dan, who is hovering beside me, a stark slash of all-black against the horizon. He glances down at me, nodding. Rachel hops out of the car and bounces over to us, her heels clicking on the pavement. I'm annoyed she's here, but there's nothing really I can do about it.
'You've got the film gear, right?' She asks me, and I nod, shouldering the heavy camera bag, and bundling up some microphone equipment under my arms. Dan offers to carry the lights, so I let him, giving him a grateful smile. Akira, our camera guy, got a nasty case of the flu over the weekend and couldn't come in to film. Luckily, I had the basics down pat. We follow Rachel up the stairs to the heavily-fenced Brighton house, and I'm already breathing heavily, hunkered down under all the equipment.
Rachel knocks twice. It's quiet for a long moment, and then the door swings open, revealing none other than Felix Kjellberg. It's strange seeing him in the flesh. He gives us a tentative smile, eyeing off all the camera gear.
'Hi, welcome,' he says, his accent there, but soft. He seems to relax a little when he sees Dan, who gives him a hearty handshake. I offer him a smile, seeing as my hands are full.
'Where can we set up?' Rachel asks, glancing around the house. It's immaculate, all high-ceilings and aged, stylish furniture. Lace curtains frame the French windows, polished teak and velour loveseats circled around an ornate fireplace. Fresh lilies hang from a clear glass vase on the mantelpiece. 'Oh, this is just beautiful,' Rachel says, motioning to the living room. I glance around as I walk, my shoulders aching beneath the gear. I haven't seen a house this big in a long time. Natural light cascades into every part of the room, leaving nothing in muted shadow.
'Thank you,' Felix says, a little awkwardly. I get the impression he doesn't like having people in his home - this was probably just as a favour to Dan. I also know he doesn't like the press, so that's something we'll be working against. 'We can film here, if you like?'
'It's perfect,' I tell him, dropping the various bags and boxes. I start unpacking everything, and I glance up at Dan. I nod my head towards Felix. Go talk to him, I mouth, and Dan nods, clearing his throat. He wanders over to Felix, casually bringing up the new Mario Kart game.
Rachel stands next to me, not helping, which irritates me. I lug out the tripod, and then heave out the new camera, which costs about the same as my entire life's worth. I turn it on and start fiddling with all the settings - the room has such wonderful natural light, we don't even need to bother with much lighting.
'We've got to try and get him to be negative about social media,' Rachel tells me, watching Dan with Felix. They're talking softly in the background, making casual conversation. 'That's our angle.'
'Our 'angle' is whatever he wants to say to us,' I tell her, bent over, setting up the lights. 'I think he'll go that route anyway, but if not, we'll just have to talk to someone else.'
Rachel purses her lips, saying nothing. I heave up the lights, adjusting with the brightness. I give Dan the thumbs-up, and he nods at me, then turns back to Felix.
'So, do you understand the brief?' He asks Felix. Felix gives a shrug.
'Yeah, I think so. I mean, it's just about social media, and how it's affecting people, right?'
Dan and I nod. Rachel adds, 'essentially, we're looking at how social media can create a pathway for hate. How your personal experiences with it have affected you, emotionally and mentally.'
I frown. 'Well, we're also looking at the positives. So any positive stories you have with social media would also be great.'
Felix nods. He looks between Dan, Rachel and I. 'Who's questions am I answering...?' He asks.
'Dan's going to ask questions, and look at him when you're answering,' I instruct. 'Try to avoid looking directly at the camera.'
'Bit different to usual,' he jokes, and we laugh. He clears his throat. 'Okay. Let's go.'
Dan launches into the first question we prepared. We'd met a few more times over the past two weeks to organise exactly who we were talking to, and what we were going to ask them about - I'd been drilling Dan on his interview skills over too many cups of coffee, going over techniques, ways to ask questions, and ways to deal with hostility or emotion. Hopefully, we wouldn't need to deal with that from Felix - but it was good to have the skills for later on in the documentary process. Interviewing was a skill that could be taught, and it was important for Dan to be on top of it as our main journalist doing the talking. Luckily for us, he'd already had some prior experience in documentary work for the BBC.
Dan is doing great. I listen to them through my headphones, checking the audio levels. They rise and fall rhythmically with their voices. Good. We have two cameras set up for different angles, and so I go between them, checking settings, audio, and angles. Rachel uses a hand-held camera to get some more shots. Once the interview has mostly concluded, the two of them glance up at us hesitantly, as if to ask, was that okay? Rachel claps excitedly, and I give them a grin, stopping shooting.
'That was brilliant,' Rachel says excitedly. 'Absolutely fantastic. We got everything we need'
I tug the headphones from my ears, letting them hang around my neck. 'Good job, guys,' I say, and then we start packing the equipment up. Felix offers us a cup of tea, and Marzia drifts hesitantly into the kitchen, wearing pale pink and cream. Her hair falls gently down her back, and she gives us a curious smile.
'Hello,' she says, 'I hope I'm not interrupting?'
'No, no, we were just finishing up,' I tell her, offering her a hand. She gives it a gentle shake as Felix puts the kettle on to boil. One of the pugs waddles into the kitchen - the older one, with a missing eye. My heart aches for my own dogs back home - I had to leave them with my family when I left after university. I have always loved dogs, and it was hard being without them.
'Hello little one,' I coo, crouching down. She wanders over to me, her movements a little stiff with age. She sniffs my knees, tongue hanging out. She's breathing heavily. 'What's her name?' I ask, and Marzia beams down at the two of us.
'Her name's Maya,' she says as I give Maya a good scratch behind the collar. 'She likes you.'
'Yeah?' I say, and Marzia nods, and then the other pug comes bundling in, much livelier than the second. He knocks into her, pushing her out of the way, reaching for my hand. I laugh. 'Whoa, little guy.'
'Edgar, Deutschland,' Felix says, and Dan laughs.
'I love how that's your version of 'no',' Dan says, giving Edgar a pet. 'Why'd you go with that?'
Felix shrugs, leaning up against the counter. 'I read that if you teach a dog 'no' is bad, then whever you say no, they think they've done something wrong. Even if you're just talking and you say it. We figured, deutschland doesn't come up very often in casual conversation, so it would be okay.'
'Smart,' I say, and Maya heads over to Felix, standing at his feet. Her one eye watches me, relaxed. She pants even though she's hardly been moving - a product of her breed, I guess.
We drink the tea at the kitchen table, which is old and beautiful. Marzia tells me it's an antique they found in Prague and shipped back. Odd, new-age art hangs on the walls. Felix explains that it's from one of his favourite artists. He rolls up his sleeve, where similar art is inked into his skin. He tells us the story behind each of his tattoos, and it's nice, just talking like this. After the tea we say goodbye, and I think we've left a good impression of the media on him, finally, after being screwed over so many times. I feel good about that. I hope he sees we're not all assholes.
The car ride back to Brighton is long, with me driving and Dan beside me. Rachel is on her phone in the back, the camera equipment stacked beside her. There's traffic, like usual, and the car pulls up to a stop behind the one in front. It starts raining, and I sigh, leaning back against the seat.
'Traffic is a bit shit,' Dan observes. 'You'd think it'd be okay at this time of day.'
'You'd think,' I say, puffing air out of my mouth. Rachel is still on her phone, fingers clicking away. I wonder who she's talking to. What she's talking about. 'How are you enjoying the documentary so far?'
Dan nods. 'Yeah, pretty good. It's good to have a concrete interview down, you know? Now we just need to find someone else.'
'Mn,' I say. 'We'll have to do some more brainstorming later. I'd kill for a coffee right now.'
Dan laughs. 'Me too.' It's quiet for a long moment. Eventually, Dan says, 'I don't actually know anything about you.'
I glance at him as we creep forwards a few metres. 'I guess not. We haven't known each other very long.'
'That's true.'
'What do you want to know?'
Dan shrugs, a little embarrassed. 'I don't know. Are you from London?'
I shake my head. 'Manchester when I was younger, then a country town a few hours from London. You?'
'Similar. I was about forty minutes out of London.'
'Good. That's a good distance. You can get away from it all, but still be close enough to do things.'
'Yeah.'
We take the exit and the traffic clears for a moment before building up again. The rain beats down harder, coming in sheets. I'm actually glad there's traffic. Driving in this would be difficult. 'Do you miss your old town?' I ask Dan. He shrugs.
'Not really. Sometimes, but mostly not. It feels like the past. And I don't really want to revisit the past.'
'Bad experience?'
'Relatively. Rich kids pretending to be thugs and assholes taking out their own insecurities on you was never really my thing.'
'Understandable.'
'What about you?' Dan asks.
I do what he did - shrug. 'It was okay, I guess,' I tell him. 'I sort of just stayed out of trouble. I went to an all-girl's school, which could be good and bad. I didn't have to worry about impressing boys or anything, not that that was ever my style. But it could get a bit bitchy. That was probably the worst part.'
'I had a great time at school,' Rachel intervenes. Dan glances back at her. I don't because I'm driving, but I can practically see her smug little face. 'Friends, parties.' She giggles. 'A few summer loves.'
'You were a popular kid though, right?' I ask her.
She gives a falsely humble shrug. 'I guess you could say that.'
Dan I and look at each other knowingly, and burst out into a laugh. Rachel asks us what we're laughing about a few times, but Dan waves his hand, saying, nothing. I don't know him very well, but I can tell that neither of us were exactly at the top of the social hierarchy in school. He seemed like he would be well-liked, but nerdy. I was just quiet, and focused. Social climbing wasn't something I was interested in.
Dan asks me about my family, and we talk a little like this all the way back to London. I forget Rachel is even in the car. I like talking to Dan - he seems to listen to me, and care about what I say. In such a big city, it is hard to feel noticed. And Dan makes me feel noticed, even if it is within the walls of this tiny car with old music playing quietly in the background.
We eventually make it through the traffic and back into London, where we park in a space Caroline reserved for us under the company building. Dan helps me carry the equipment back up to the office, and Rachel, seemingly embarrassed by the interaction in the car, trots on ahead without offering to help. Guilt spreads through me.
'Maybe we were a little mean to her,' Dan says, echoing my feelings.
I twist my lips. 'Maybe.' I remember how rude she was to me in university, and I cock my head. 'Or maybe not.'
Dan watches me. 'Did she do something?'
I shrug a little. 'She was just never very nice to me in university.' And this is the truth, but not all of it. I don't tell him about how she'd try to sabotage almost all my projects the further we go to the end of our course, and the closer we got in grades. I don't tell him about the things she said, and what they used to do to my head.
But Dan leaves it, which I am grateful for. We drop the equipment in the storage room, and I stand, stretching out my back. It's sore and compressed from carrying all the heavy cameras and lighting. My shirt lifts a little with the movement, and if I hadn't known any better, I would've sworn I caught Dan's eyes brush over the sliver of skin momentarily. I look at him and he smiles.
'I'll cut up the interview and send it to you before I hand it over to Caroline,' I say. It's quiet in the room - the silence is thick, empty. I'm aware that it's just the two of us in a way I wasn't before.
'That sounds good,' Dan says. He tucks his hands into his pockets, dimples cutting into his cheeks with a small smile. 'I'll see you next week, for the meeting?'
I nod. 'Yeah. See you then.'
And then he goes, leaving me alone in the room, wishing he was still here and feeling awful about it.
a/n
so. an update. I KNOW. I'M TERRIBLE.
it's taken me so long but it's finally here! super unrelated, i've always felt a little weird writing fanfiction because these are real people (dan is, at least), but i've realised that once you begin writing they're not really 'dan howell, youtuber' anymore, but 'dan howell, my character', if that makes sense? I don't know the real dan, so this is really just a character i based off some vague things i know. not sure if that makes sense. let me know what you guys think.
thanks for sticking around friends - hope you enjoy the chapter x