The first time she goes en pointe it feels like a dream. Her mother takes pictures in the dance shop of her picking out her shoes. The photo is pinned onto the refrigerator at home, and she is sure to show all of her friends. Her mother beams as she runs around the house in her very first pair of pointe shoes.
The second time she goes en pointe, it is for her first pointe class. Her toes bleed, despite the padding she has stuffed inside. Her friends teach her how to wrap her toes with tape. The tape feels strange in her shoes, but she soon forgets about it as she watches her reflection in the mirror.
The third time she goes en pointe, her feet are still bandaged and sore from the class of the previous day. She takes a Motrin before class and soaks her feet in warm water and Epsom salts that night.
The first time she goes en pointe to get new shoes, she feels bittersweet. She keeps her first pair of shoes in her closet at home, refusing to throw them away. Her mother watches in amusement as the pile slowly grows through the year.
The first time she goes en pointe on stage, she could not be more happy. It is her end of the year performance and she is eager to show off what she has learned. Her mother takes pictures of her in her costume, and places the photos on the refrigerator.
The first time she goes en pointe in a new brand, she has been accepted as a corps member at her dream company. The new brand fits her feet better, or so she is told. She places them in a new pile in her new closet after she wears them out. She calls her mother and shows her the start of the new pile of pointe shoes.
The first time she gets her custom shoes and goes en pointe it feels like a dream. One of the first soloists had suggested she alter her shoes and send them back to the company so they can make her shoes to fit her feet better, and taught her how to cut and sew her shoes. That day in class she is sure to personally thank the first soloist who helped her.
The second time she gets her custom shoes and goes en pointe, she rushes to tie them before rehearsal, already accustomed to the feeling. Quickly tucking the ends of her ribbons, she slips into a back row and joins the rest of the company members for the petite allegro.
The first time she goes en pointe on stage as part of a company she feels like she's flying in an untouchable dream. The principal comes bursting out of the wings as she stands on the side with the rest of the corps members, unseen and unheard, but she could not care less in the world. Her mother makes the flight to take photos of her on stage, despite the warning at the beginning of the performance against it.
The second time she goes en pointe on stage as part of a company, it is less exhilarating. She struggles to ignore the dull ache of her feet in her shoes, smiling up at an invisible audience like the rest of the corps members. That night she soaks her feet in warm water and Epsom salt as she cries at the season finale of her favorite show.
The first time she goes en pointe on the day the promotions are announced she is elated; she has been promoted to second soloist! The first soloist who helped her customize her pointe shoes has been promoted to principal and she is sure to congratulate her mentor. She calls her mother and shows off her name on the promotion sheet.
The first time she goes en pointe for her trio her toes almost cramp but she manages to finish the first run through. The ballet master nods, then points out all her errors. She stands on her rolling stick, trying to stretch out the soles of her feet as he speaks. The next day she double tapes her big toe and places a band-aid on her growing bunion.
The first time she goes en pointe for her trio on stage she is beyond excited, the heat of the stage lights and weight of the costume rushing to the back of her mind like an avalanche. Her toes no longer cramp up after the first eight counts; her endurance has grown.
The second time she goes en pointe for her trio on stage she is exhausted, but is sure to smile. After all, she might get promoted if she does well. One of her partners asks if she is alright after the performance. She smiles, waving away his concern. She soaks her feet in ice water that night.
The second time she goes en pointe on the day the promotions are announced she is elated; she has not been promoted but her friend has joined the company. She calls her mother back after rehearsal, but it goes straight to voicemail. She takes a photo of her growing pile of old pointe shoes in her closet and sends it to her mother.
The first time she goes en pointe in rehearsal for her pas de deux she nearly smacks her partner in the face with her bun. He is the same partner as in her first trio. She apologizes frantically but he waves off her concern, laughing when she nearly does it again.
The first time she goes en pointe on stage for her pas de deux she is terribly nervous. Her pas de deux is short, but her mind is not on the task at hand. Her partner notices and squeezes her hand before they run on stage. She relaxes as her muscle memory takes over and though her mind is somewhere else, she finishes the pas de deux without mistakes.
The second time she goes en pointe on stage for her pas de deux her mind is with her mother. Her partner can tell, and helps her through their time on stage. Afterwards, he asks her if anything is wrong. She waves away his concern, but he gives her a hug anyways.
The third time she goes en pointe on the day the promotions are announced she is devastated. She hardly hears anything that day. Her friends in the company are quiet, leaving her to her thoughts, for which she is thankful. Her mother has died.
The fourth time she goes en pointe on the day the promotions are announced she nearly cries. Her friends crowd around her as she hides her face, excited for her new position as first soloist. She has more energy in class that day, and only after rehearsals does she notice that her feet are bleeding. She soaks her feet in warm water and Epsom salts.
The first time she goes en pointe as first soloist, she is teaching her friend how to customize her pointe shoes. The week after, she watches the look of unbridled shock and delight on her friend's face as she receives her new custom shoes. Her old partner laughs as she recounts the story to him during a break.
The first time she goes en pointe in rehearsals for her first solo she could not be more happy. True, her solo is short, but she has finally gotten the chance to perform on stage alone. She wishes her mother could have seen it, but pushes the thought to the back of her mind.
The first time she goes en pointe on stage for her first solo, she is happier than she has ever been. The stage lights are hot, threatening to melt through her stage makeup, but she does not care. Her old partner embraces her as she runs off into the wings after her solo, whispering superlatives into her ear. He hands her phone back to her, and she prints the pictures of her on stage to put on her own refrigerator.
The second time she goes en pointe on stage for her first solo, she almost falls out of a turn but manages to land it without anyone noticing and hides her mistake with a flourish of her arms. Her feet hurt, and she takes a Motrin before class the next day.
The third time she goes en pointe on stage for her first solo, her right ankle screams with pain. She grits her teeth, forcing her face into a smile as she finishes her solo. When she makes it into the wing she collapses into the arms of her old partner, whisper-shouting at him to get her backstage. Her scoops her up into his arms and rushes her to a chair, but has to get back to the wings before he can get her any ice. Her friends crowd around her as she pulls her pointe shoe off her right foot. Someone hands her ice and she binds it to her ankle, brushing away tears. She is unable to dance the rest of the ballet, but the corps members cover her empty spot on stage.
The first time she goes en pointe in class after her injury, she wraps her ankle tightly. She can still dance, but the break and the surgery have made her muscles weak. She is unable to dance in the upcoming ballet, but she sits in the audience and takes photos of her old partner to place on their refrigerator, despite the warning at the beginning of the performance against it.
The first time she goes en pointe in rehearsal after her injury she can barely contain her energy. Her role is a minor one, but she has finally make it back to the stage. The ballet master can tell, watching as she jumps to heights he has never seen her achieve before. Her friends can tell as well, and remind her not to injure herself again.
The first time she goes en pointe on stage after her injury she cannot contain her energy. Her legs shake with excitement, causing her to nearly fall over, and she bites her tongue to try keep it in check. Her ankle is fine, but the ballet master gives her a look the next day, and she explains what happened.
The second time she goes en pointe on stage after her injury, her excitement has been channeled into the correct places, and she dances with energy rather than with recklessness. The ballet master nods in satisfaction as she heads towards the massage therapist's office after rehearsals the next day.
The seventh time she goes en pointe on the day the promotions are announced she does cry. Against all odds, she has made it to the position of principal dancer. Her friends scream as she hides her face, completely shocked. Her old partner scoops her up in his arms and whirls her around, and she laughs. That night he makes her dinner and they spend the night watching her favorite show as she soaks her feet in warm water and Epsom salts.
The first time she goes en pointe in rehearsals as the lead in a ballet she is focused. The role is challenging, more difficult than anything she had faced before, but she is ready. She wraps her ankles the first day, just in case anything should happen. Nothing does, but her ankle hurts nonetheless.
The first time she goes en pointe on stage as the lead of a ballet it feels like a dream. Her toes bleed, despite the padding she stuffed inside them, but she could not care less in the world. When she runs out of the wings to take her final bow she nearly cries. Her old partner takes pictures of her from the wings, and frames them.
The last time she goes en pointe she is grateful. Despite her injuries, her career has been a long one. At fifteen years after joining the company, and eight years after being promoted to principal dancer, she dances her final performance. When she runs out of the wings to take her final bow she cries. She is aware of the flowers that are being thrown on stage, but it isn't until someone hands her a bouquet that she becomes truly aware that this is her final performance. As the curtain falls she blows a kiss towards the audience, then pads away towards her dressing room.
She sits alone in her room, gazing wistfully at her reflection in the mirror. She takes off her headpiece, her makeup and her costume. And then she takes off her pointe shoes, carefully wrapping the ribbons around each and tucking them inside one another. She changes into her everyday clothes, and slips away through the backdoor of the theatre. Her old partner, now her husband, is waiting for her.
She holds her shoes tightly in her hands as she walks away from her dream and steps back into reality.