On Saturday night, I transformed into a wolf for the first time.
The moon was round and full, the air was unusually warm for the season, and the wind smelled of pine and oak and maple. I ran with wild joy, my legs and paws carrying me quickly through the forests surrounding my hometown, chasing a doe who was losing ground with every passing moment. Leaping over the doe's back, I landed and turned to face the doe, which ran into my waiting jaws. After a few halfhearted attempts to struggle free, she stopped and grew still. I dropped the body and howled triumphantly before digging into my meal.
That was the last night I was normal. No, that's not right. I always knew I wasn't normal. But before that night, I could at least pretend that I was.
On Monday I arrived at school a normal human being, on the surface at least. I sped down the halls towards my locker, aware that everyone was looking at me, one of the most popular girls in school. Before this weekend that had given me great pleasure, to be seen and admired by everyone. But now it only filled me with anxiety. Did they know that I was hiding two terrible secrets? Did they realize that I'd turned into a wolf-creature over the weekend and that I'd come home after gorging on hunted deer in the early morning, climbing up a tree and into my room while completely naked? Could anyone guess that before all that had happened, I had committed one of the worst sins imaginable?
I reached my locker and opened it. The mirror reflected back an unfamiliar face: long strawberry-blonde hair, blue eyes, light complexion. They were my features, but underneath them I could see a panic that hadn't been there before. I looked away from the stranger in the mirror and began pulling out my books for the day.
Just don't think about it. I commanded myself. If you think about it, you'll only feel worse. So just don't think about it. Just don't think about it. Just don't—
"Louise?" I jumped, dropping all the books I'd pulled out. I turned around and Nicola was standing behind me. Dark skinned with long, silky hair, she stood about a foot taller than me even without the high heels she was wearing. Normally I would have been happy to see her. She was my best friend in the whole wide world. But after what happened this weekend, I couldn't even look her in the eyes.
Nicola grabbed my wrist as I uttered a weak "Hey Nicola," and tried to pick up my boos. Pulling me up and dragging me along, she said the four words I didn't want to hear: "We need to talk." I was dragged into the nearest girls' room, which to my relief was empty. Still, I wanted to run. I knew what she was want to talk about, and I didn't want to talk about it at all. I'd rather make it so that Saturday night had never happened, to just believe that instead of sneaking out to Nicola's place to watch Sausage Party I had stayed home like the good girl I was supposed to be. Damn that stupid movie! That stupid taco!
"Um..." I stammered, still finding it too hard to look her in the eyes. "Nicola, I...er—"
"What happened to you Saturday?" Nicola said, getting right up in my face so that I couldn't look away from her. "Where the hell did you go?"
I swallowed, remembering waking up next to Nicola's naked body. I'd then realized where I was, what we'd done. Before I could even begin to process what it meant or what I should do about it, I'd felt tingling on my skin and my body had begun to change.
To my horror and confusion, fur sprouted all over my body. My jaw and nose elongated and merged into a snout. From between my butt cheeks, bones and flesh that had never existed before shot out, long bristly fur already growing in. And as all this happened to me, something weird well up in me that I'd never felt before: a terrible bloodlust, a hunger for blood and flesh and the hunt.
And Nicola was lying there, totally unaware of the creature I was becoming in her bedroom, her smooth back illuminated in the moonlight. It was just too perfect. I wanted to claw at her body, open up her entrails, lick the blood out of jugular. And I could do it too, I knew it as I knew that what I was turning into wasn't human.
Somehow I managed to fight the terrible urge to kill until I opened the window, slipped out, and jumped down, but after that I couldn't resist any longer. Before I knew it I was running through the woods, following scents, hearing every sound the night had the offer, looking for a kill.
"I went out for a walk." I mumbled.
"You what?" said Nicola. She did not look concerned or hurt. She looked angry. I repeated myself a bit louder, and she raised a suspicious eyebrow. "You went out for a walk?" she repeated, hands on her hips. "While leaving your clothes on my bedroom floor?"
"Um...yes."
"And why didn't you call me yesterday?" Nicola asked. "I phoned you a dozen times!"
"M-My phone was broken!" I lied. In actuality I'd been avoiding all calls that day. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to think. I didn't want to exist. I was a monster.
"Look, Louise—" Nicola reached for me, but I shied away from her hands. The thought of her touching me sent a strange and alarmingly pleasant sensation throughout my body, not unlike the one that had coursed through my veins when I'd hunted the doe. It was a feeling I shouldn't be having.
Nicola adjusted her tone, her voice becoming soft and soothing. "Louise, we have to talk about what happened the other night. We can't just act like it never happened."
I looked away from her and reply, "Can't we? We only did it because we sneaked beers from your fridge, so can't we pass it off as that?"
"You don't get it—"
"No, you don't get it!" I said, rounding on her. Tears welled up in my eyes and my voice shook. "One time when I was eight, my parents took me out to San Francisco to visit my dad's cousins. We wanted to stop at this restaurant for lunch, but the moment my folks saw two guys sit down at a table and start holding hands, they pulled me out of the restaurant with my mom holding her hands over my eyes and my dad saying he wanted to beat them to death for being sodomites! And after what we did—!" I stopped, realizing how loud my voice was getting. "I don't want my parents to hate me," I finished, trembling.
A powerful silence fell between us as tears rolled down my cheeks. Nicola took a step towards me and pulled me into her arms. I let her, even as a voice in my head told me to get away from her before we did something we'd later regret.
"I've known since junior high that I wanted to be more than friends with you. But I never cared that you were a girl. I just loved you for you." I stared at Nicola, her face only a few inches from mine. With a shock, it hit me that no one in the world understood me like she did, and that I never felt happier than when I was with her. Like right now, nothing could compare to being in her arms...and feeling her body against mine...and kissing her—
An electric current rocketed up my back and I felt my nails lengthen and sharpen into claws. At the same time, the bloodthirst I'd experienced the other night resurfaced, just as powerful as it had been before I killed that doe. Panicking, I broke away from Nicola's embrace. "I-I have to get to class."
"Oh." Nicola looked a little disappointed. "Okay. Can we at least talk after school?"
I hesitated at the door. I was trying to control the urge to hunt and feed that was coursing through me. Somehow I managed to force my nails to return to normal, but I felt fangs growing in my mouth and the tingling sensation of fur sprouting underneath my sweater.
"Yeah, sure." I replied hastily. "Let's meet at the library, okay? I'll tell my parents I'm studying."
Before I could hear Nicola's reply I fled, but not to class. Instead I hid under a stairwell, curling up into a ball as I felt the wolf try to take hold. I could actually sense it there in my mind, an entity that was part of me but at the same time completely alien, and at this moment it was trying to claw out of whatever little hovel it kept within me and take over.
The fur on my body receded and melted away, but my ears began to grow and curl around themselves. I covered them with my hands, willing them to stop and return to their normal shape. When the wolf realized it couldn't get me by the ears, it tried to lengthen my nose and merge it with my mouth into a snout. And when I willed my mouth and nose back into place, it tried to force me to grow a tail.
Back! I shouted in my mind, directing all my anger at the wolf. Get back! Go away! You can't come out here! Shoo! At first the wolf kept pushing against me, trying to take control. But then it stopped and turned away, as if it knew this was a losing battle, and slinked back to wherever within me it hid itself. I could sense its smug attitude though, as if it was saying it was only a matter of time before it would get a chance to run and bite and ravish and kill all who stood in its way. The very thought of it taking the reins away from me again made me shiver.
I uncurled myself and lay spread out under the stairs, panting as if I'd run a marathon. Wiping sweat from my forehead, I wondered how I was supposed to fight this thing again the next time it wanted to come out. I couldn't go through all that again, hiding out of sight and trying to beat back the beast. But what was I supposed to do? I doubted anything out there—especially anything like Twilight or Teen Wolf or whatever was in vogue these days—could tell me a thing about actually being a werewolf. And I didn't think I could tell anyone about this. They'd think I was crazy, or, if they had reason to believe me, they'd try to shoot me with silver bullets or get me to bite them or have a romantic relationship with me like in the movies. They would only be helping themselves, not me.
And I certainly couldn't tell my parents, especially if I couldn't tell them about what happened with Nicola. I'd told them when I was nine that my body was going through changes, and they'd thrown a sex-ed book with an emphasis on abstinence at me. I didn't think they'd be able to give me much help anyway. I was adopted from Ukraine as a baby, so I had no actual family history to speak of. As far as I knew, I might as well be the only girl in the world turning into a wolf.
A tear slipped out of my eye and down the side of my face. Why was this happening to me? I'd nearly killed Nicola while she was asleep, and in the bathroom I almost turned into a monster in front of her—
I sat up as I realized something. Both times, the wolf had come out after I'd been with Nicola. To be more precise, both times it had come out of me when I'd been with Nicola, wanting to be with her, to know her, to touch her and kiss her. So maybe...maybe the way to stop the wolf was to stop being near Nicola?
I felt my heart tear at the thought. Not be around Nicola? She was my best friend! We'd known each other since we were six years old! And even though I knew it was wrong, everyone from the science teachers to my pastor to some of the state senators said it was wrong, I did like her more than girls should like each other.
But doing so might keep the wolf in its hole and keep me human. Nicola wouldn't understand why, but she'd be safe. No one would have to know what we'd done and I could try to be normal. All would be well.
Still, it hurt so much, realizing that I couldn't be near her. So much that I cried just thinking about it.
After my tears dried up, I left the stairwell and made it in time for chemistry class. The rest of the day seemed to pass by in a daze, so that at the end of it I found myself wondering what had happened during the past eight hours. I hadn't run into or gotten near Nicola though, which was for the best. And I wouldn't see her at the library either. I was going to head straight home.
Or so I told myself. But somehow on the walk home I took a detour towards Nicola's home. I hadn't meant to, but it was almost as if I was being pulled there. Around six blocks from her house, I pulled out my phone and called my mother to tell her I was studying at the library. She asked if I wanted her to save some dinner for me, and I replied yes, though I had no idea if by the time I got home dinner would even be feasible.
When I arrived at Nicola's house, I walked up to the door, raised my hand to knock, and stopped. My hand fell to the side, and I stood on the porch, feeling more confused than ever. Why did I come here? I thought I said I'd avoid Nicola from now on! It was all to protect her!
I felt my phone buzz and looked to see a text from Nicola. Where r u? I should go home, join my folks for dinner. Study chemistry and go to bed. Forget all about this terrible day.
I turned to leave, but I didn't go. Instead I stood there, feeling almost rooted to the spot. For reasons I couldn't figure out, my body didn't want to leave. But why? What reason could I possibly have to stay on the porch of the girl I loved even though I knew doing so was dangerous?
I stood there for maybe five more minutes before a car passed by, the pop song blasting from its speakers waking me from my daze. If someone saw me standing there, they might wonder what I was doing and get suspicious. I stepped off the porch, slipped a broken lattice on the side of the house to the side, and hid underneath the porch. From many a childhood game of hide and seek, I knew this was a good hiding place: dry, devoid of insect or animal life, and with a good view of what's outside. I could hide there for hours and not be seen.
Time passed by. I stopped wondering why I didn't go home and got out my homework, though chemistry still confused me. Nicola sent me another text after a half hour or so: I'm starting 2 worry. Txt me back. It started getting darker and getting colder. Another hour passed, and Nicola sent me another text. Heading home. U better b in school 2morrow. We need 2 talk. Not too long afterwards Nicola appeared, walking up the porch and into her house. I could've touched her leg as she walked up the porch steps.
It got darker, and I became aware of how hungry I was. But I didn't dare step out from underneath the house. I still had no idea why I was here, but I knew what the consequences could be if I stayed any longer, if I gave the wolf an opportunity. Speaking of which, where was the wolf? I hadn't heard a thing from it since I got here. I delved into my mind, and found it lying in the entrance of its home, wagging its tail lazily. It didn't seem fazed by me coming to visit it, only yawning and closing its eyes.
I wanted to somehow question it, learn its secrets. Where had it come from? What was its purpose? And had it really wanted to kill Nicola? So many questions, and I knew the answers to none of them. Oh, this was so frustrating—
My stomach growled painfully, and I shivered as a cool breeze passed by. My legs were half-asleep and my joints were aching from staying still so long. Slowly I eased myself out from under the porch. As I did, my eye caught something on one of the support posts, something that looked familiar. I took out my phone and shone a light on it. Around the post was a copper wire strung with beads, coiled round and round with two ends meeting in a large, childish knot. A wave of nostalgia washed over me and I smiled. Nicola and I had strung it there the summer when we were both eight years old.
I remember that day so well: summer camp was over for the day and we'd brought home bead necklaces we'd made in arts and crafts. We'd been so proud of them, all the hearts and stars and seashells and every other type of bead out there. And then my string had broken after I'd tried to tighten the knot.
I'd started to cry then, seeing all the beads scattered on the kitchen table, but Nicola had saved the day. "My dad has some copper wire," she'd said, and after asking her dad, she'd helped me put the beads on the length of wire her dad had cut for us. Nicola even added her own beads to mine to make the wire necklace prettier. And then, with a glint in her eyes, she'd said, "You want to tie it somewhere where it'll last forever?"
Before I'd even finished nodding my head, we'd run out of the house and under the porch, which by this point had become an off-limits place to play hide-and-seek in because it was too easy to hide there. We tied the colorful wire necklace around one of the support posts, and Nicola had held up her pinkie and had said, "Let's make a promise. As long as the necklace is tied around the post, we'll always be friends. Okay?"
"Okay!" I'd said enthusiastically, wrapping my finger around hers. At that time I'd thought that we would be together forever. In fact I'd hoped that would be the case, that nothing would ever keep us apart as long as the necklace was tied there. Somehow we'd imbued those beads with some sort of magic, a spell that would keep us together throughout the years, through thick and thin.
And it was still there now, covered in cobwebs and minus a few beads, but hanging there nonetheless. I reached out and touched the necklace, the beads clacking against each other as my fingers brushed them. Boy, what a cruel joke life was. If we had imbued magic in those beads, then it was dark magic that had become a curse. We'd wished to stay together forever, and that desire had turned into something heretical, bestial, disgusting. Why did things have to turn out this way?
I slid out from under the porch and started heading to the street, feeling glum again. As I reached the sidewalk though, I heard a door open behind me and a voice called out my name. I turned. Nicola was standing there in the doorway. "What are you doing here?" she asked, arms folded across her chest.
I hesitated, wondering what to say. Should I tell her I was out on a walk? Should I tell her that I'd hidden under her porch for the past couple of hours just to see her?
"May I come in?" I finally asked.
As I was warming up in Nicola's room, I looked around me with fresh eyes. There on her desk was a picture of Nicola and I from a Halloween party dressed as a police officer and a ninja warrior, the frame decorated in hearts. Hanging from the wall was a poster I'd bought her for her fifteenth birthday, featuring two mourning doves flying together. And in this bed, the one I was sitting on now, was the pillow and blankets and sheets we'd—
Nicola walked in, carrying two steaming mugs of hot chocolate. I accepted it gratefully and took a deep sip, burning my mouth as I did. Nicola sat next to me, taking much slower sips of her cocoa. "So you ready to talk?" she asked pointedly. I had a feeling "no" wasn't an option.
I fidgeted where I sat. "I don't think it's safe for us to be around each other." I said, placing the mug on the bedside table. Nicola's expression was utter disbelief.
"And why not?" she asked angrily.
"You know why." I replied, avoiding her eyes. "It's not okay, what we...what we feel for each other. And besides...I'm changing."
"Into what?" asked Nicola. While I struggled to answer, Nicola talked instead. "You think these feelings make you a monster? It's not like that. And even if it is, you don't need to be ashamed of it. It's just the way you are. What's so bad about that?"
I felt a shiver up my spine, wondering if Nicola knew about the wolf. Even more disturbing, something was telling me she was right, that this wasn't just something weird about me, it was just the way I was.
But I wanted to be normal so badly. Was that such a bad thing?
Nicola continued talking. "I've known since junior high how I felt for you. And I thought I was a beast because of it. I felt like a beast. But you know what? I got comfortable with it. I realized I wasn't hurting anyone by being this way. Only myself, and only if I let it hurt myself." She turned my face towards her. "So would your changes have anything to do with this?'
I didn't answer. I didn't know how to answer.
Nicola embraced me, and before I could stop her she was kissing me. I kissed her back. I know I should have stopped, but I couldn't help myself. This was what I really wanted, not to be away from her, not to pretend we didn't care about each other. I just wanted her, forever and ever.
The wolf bounded forward from its hole. I tried to stop it, but it knocked away all my defenses and began to take over. Fur sprouted from my body, my teeth turned into fangs, a snout rose from my face, and a tail pushed out from behind me. With my last bit of control I pushed Nicola away and jumped off the bed. The wolf turned my body back towards her, its teeth bared.
Nicola stared back with wide eyes. Only, she wasn't Nicola anymore. At least, not the Nicola I was familiar with. This Nicola had short, tawny fur covered in black rosettes, golden eyes and a tail tipped in black. The new Nicola flexed a clawed hand and smiled a mouth full of fangs at me. "So you too, huh?" she said, her voice a growl.
Somehow I was able to move past my shock and take back my body a little, the wolf offering no resistance. Instead I felt the wolf's tongue reach out and lick me gently, like a dog with its owner. The feeling was strangely pleasant.
"How?" I asked, my voice deep and gravelly.
Nicola shrugged. "I don't know." she answered. "I never could figure it out. But why fear what we are or how we became that way, when we can enjoy it?"
Nicola leaped off the bed with a growl, tackling me to the ground. The wolf and I snarled and fought back, but Nicola was bigger and heavier than us. And as we wrestled, a whirl of fangs and fur and growls, our fighting became slow. Languid. Gentle. Almost like a caress.
Finally I gave up, laying on my back with my chest heaving and my tongue lolling out of my mouth. Nicola lowered her muzzle to my neck and gave the skin there a soft, playful nip. She then looked into my eyes, which looked back, seeing every hair on Nicola's face and body. My nose smelled a hot, musky scent on her breath, and my ears picked up the creak of every joint and tendon in her limbs. It was thrilling, unlike anything I'd ever experienced before. And I found myself wondering how I ever thought something so wonderful, something so beautiful, could be so bad.
With a burst of energy, I threw Nicola off of me, and this time wrestled her onto her back. My snout touched her mouth and then we were rolling around the room, playfully snapping at each other's necks and legs. The wolf and I barked and snarled in unison, and I heard laughter. It took me a moment to realize it was me, laughing with Nicola. I didn't feel any desire to hurt her. I wasn't sure I'd wanted to hurt her to begin with. Maybe I'd just wanted her.
At some point we stopped and I lay on my stomach, panting. I was so happy, happier than I'd been in a long while. Nicola laid her paw over mine and her head on top of my neck and made a contented growl from the back of her throat. We lay there in blissful silence for a while when I heard my stomach growl. I had forgotten how hungry I was. Nicola got off me and motioned with her head towards the door. I followed her, knowing on an almost instinctual level what she meant for us to do.
Past houses and streets, behind cars and through carefully tended gardens. We were in the open, but what did it matter? Let someone look outside and see us. They'd only see creatures of the night, joyful in our freedom. We ran towards the forest, the grass tickling our feet and the wind singing in our ears. I smelled the air, ripe with the delicious scents of the forest. The wolf and I jumped over a boulder, howling away the last of my worries. In that instance, and in every instance since, we were one in our minds and in our shared purpose. And that purpose was just to be.
Eventually Nicola and I found a badger clan burrowing near a river. With joyous roars we pounced upon them, scattering the eight or so badgers in all directions. I went after a large male, the wolf and I snarling as it hissed at us. We fought the badger with all our hearts and strength, ending it quickly with a snap of our jaws. The wolf and I dragged the body towards where Nicola had caught a medium-sized female and together we lay down to enjoy our meal.
As we finished eating, I found myself transforming back into a girl. Beside me, Nicola was transforming as well. We stared at each other, entranced by each other's naked bodies, gooseflesh running up our limbs and blood caked on our chins and chests. We embraced, kissing and touching, unmindful of the cold or of where we were. We were drunk, but it wasn't like when we were drunk on Saturday night. We were drunk on the hunt and on the air and on the blood and on each other.
And nothing else mattered.
Nicola closed the trunk and slid into the driver's seat. "Ready to go?"
I made sure no one was watching before giving her a quick kiss. "Ready."
Nicola switched into reverse and pulled the car out of her parents' garage. It was finally winter break, so Nicola and I were going on a trip with friends to a snow lodge to ski. Or at least, that's what our parents thought we were doing. In reality, we were going off for a few days to hunt and run and love without having to worry we might get caught. A couple of our friends, who really were going on a ski trip, promised to cover for us as long as we told them what we were up to when we got back. One of our goals for this trip was to figure out what we'd tell them when we got back.
But first and foremost, this trip was for us. We were tired of having to hide in dark corners just to kiss, or to go miles out of town on foot just to make sure the police didn't start thinking they had to look out for dangerous animals. For a few days, it'd be just us, and we could be who we were without fear.
As Nicola drove onto the highway, she pulled something from the compartment behind the gear shift. "Got these for us," she said, holding up two bracelets. I stared, because I recognized the bracelets. Or at least, I recognized what was on them: beads. Lots and lots of beads. And the bracelets themselves were made from copper wire, very old copper wire.
"Are those...?"
"Yep," said Nicola, handing one to me. "Our little luck charm. I added some new beads, of course. For a new level of our relationship."
I slipped the bracelet on, staring at it reverently. "Thank you," I said.
Nicola had put her bracelet on already. She took my hand and squeezed it as it became a paw up to the elbow. Her own hand become yellow and spotted and clawed. We smiled at each other, all the love in the world passing between us.
I looked at the bracelets on our paws again. When we had tied the copper wire around the support post under Nicola's house as kids, some sort of magic had gone into the beads and had given us the means to stay together no matter what. Now as bracelets, that magic was still there. I only needed to look at our paws to see that was so.
I don't know where our lives will go from here, I thought. I don't know what we'll have to face. But I have you. You have me. We have our magic. And together, no matter what, we are stronger than anything the world can throw at us.
And the wolf in me gave a contented growl.
D;T'