Alice was on her knees in the doorway, head lowered, praying so intensely that her mind went numb.
She heard Ben cry out and looked up at the medic, who was checking his watch. She felt a lump in her throat when she looked at her son, lying so still beneath the window. His face seemed to shine as the morning light streamed in through the glass. She thought she saw a smile on his face.
"He looks so peaceful," Alice whispered, watching his face glow.
"Yes, ma'am, he does," one of the medics replied, nodding.
Alice stood up and walked down the hall. At the top of the stairs, she leaned against the wall and then slumped down to the floor. She began to shiver as she heard Ben moving around downstairs in the family room. She tucked her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, holding herself tightly.
She just sat, with her head against the wall.
The medic who had spoken to her sat down beside her. He talked quietly, asking her about her son. She answered in whispers. "No, he had been happy. He had just gone to the doctor yesterday. No, he had been sober for several weeks." She felt goosebumps travel down her arms, something unseen yet sensed.
"I feel him," she whispered.
"I hear that happens sometimes." He replied, calmly.
She sighed deeply and looked at the young medic sitting beside her. He looked the same age as Todd.
"I'm okay," she said to him. She realized he had been keeping her from going into shock, and she appreciated that. For a moment, her mind went blank, and her heart was beating so quickly she felt like it would burst through her chest, screaming her disbelief and her pain.
Blinking to stop the tears, she realized she was still breathing.
"We have to tell his brother," she said, quietly. The medic helped her up, and she went down to her husband, who was at the bottom of the stairs.
Looking at , she said, "We have to tell Adam."
They stood there together, but they were each alone with their thoughts.
"I'll call him," Ben said, and turned away. She could smell the alcohol on his breath. She watched her husband struggle through the difficult task of calling their other child, yet he seemed alert and resolute. They say that shock can make you instantly sober.
Alice could hear his voice trying to stay strong, and the gentleness of the words he chose to use to speak with Adam. The fact that he had started drinking again disappeared from her mind. They had to get through this together. This was a shock to them both. She closed her eyes and asked God to help them both make it through the day.
She used the house phone to call her sister-in-law, Cathy, getting out the words she had prayed she would never say. Cathy was one of only a few people in her world she trusted and needed to have here. Cathy would call her brother.
She hung up the phone and turned to Ben. There were no words they could say to each other that would make this day anything but the nightmare that it was.
Alice leaned into him, feeling his arms wrap around her. They held each other tightly for a few moments, sensing that if one should fall, the other would as well. They did not cry. There was nothing to be said. Neither one of them could answer the question, "Why?"
The doorbell rang.
Alice saw two detectives, one male and one female, standing outside, looking around. The medic who had spoken to her earlier came down the stairs.
"They have to come because it's an unknown death," he explained, and handed her a business card. "If you need anything, just call. I will try to help you with any questions."
Alice opened the door and moved to the side as they went outside. She nodded at the detectives as they stepped inside. She listened as they introduced themselves. Detective Matthews and Hatchett. She led them upstairs and into her son's room.
The detectives looked around the room. The female, Hatchett, took out a black pad while Matthews roped off the doorway with yellow tape.
Detective Hatchett looked carefully around the room, taking notes. She looked down at Todd.
"I'm getting so tired of this," she said, shaking her head.
Alice looked at her, eyes wide.
"Tired of what?" The detective pretended not to hear. "Tired of what?" Alice insisted.
"Tired of these young people doing it 'one more time'." The detective looked more agitated than angry. Alice saw the sadness in her eyes.
"I don't think so," Alice snapped, her face flushed."He never used drugs, and he hasn't had a drink for weeks. He wasn't drinking. I know. I would have known."
Alice felt someone take her elbow and gently guided her out of the room.
"We can talk downstairs, " said Detective Matthews as they went down the stairs, through the kitchen and into the family room. He quietly questioned her about the last few days of her son's life. They spoke for a long time while the detective took notes.
Alice explained that, just yesterday, Todd had gone to the doctor for a check-up because he was feeling agitated in the evenings. Even though he was healthy and worked out, he was also working two jobs. The doctor had examined him thoroughly, even his heart.
She told the detective Todd was content last night. He was proud that he had saved money to buy his own car. He was ready to drive again. He fixed quesadillas for dinner. He was looking forward to his day off. He 'worked' her garden on Farmville. They played Family Feud. He was happy. If there had been anything wrong, she would have known. He would have told her.
The doorbell rang again. Moments later, Cathy came into the kitchen.
"Alice," Cathy said, already crying. Alice went to her, choking back tears as she explained, in a monotone, how she found Todd. She laid her head on Cathy's shoulder and they held each other tightly, best friends like sisters. Sisters like best friends.
Alice turned to the detective who had followed her, walking quietly to his partner who was now by the door. Through the side windows, she watched the team from the medical examiner's office walk up the sidewalk with their gear. Alice stepped back while the detectives motioned upstairs. She felt Cathy touch her shoulder. For Alice, everything was slowing down. Alice took a business card from Detective Matthews as they stepped out the door.
"This is considered an "unknown death," he explained. "The autopsy will be done today. I'll call you if they find out anything today."
As she led them to the door, Alice saw her oldest son, Adam, coming down the driveway, ignoring all the commotion outside. His wife, Lindsay, was by his side. He bounded up the steps and into the house.
Alice reached up to hold him and saw the tenderness of disbelief in his eyes. She held him tightly. They were both too numb to cry. She pulled Lindsay into their embrace, and felt Ben's arms as he pulled Cathy into their sad circle.
Alice stood within the circle as reality overwhelmed her.
Her youngest son was dead. Her world as she knew it was no longer. A large piece of her life was gone. Alice blinked back the tears as she pushed back on the emptiness that tried to creep into her heart.
Slowly, she stepped back as each dropped their arms and turned towards the kitchen. Alice felt the immense sadness that overwhelmed the room. She watched Cathy move to make coffee, dumping out the liquid that had cooled through the morning.
After the coroner's team had left and the detectives finished their interview, Alice leaned against the door to close it. Racing thoughts overwhelmed her. Her mind was going deep into darkness. She took a breath and sighed, blinking back tears that sought to express how she felt inside. She felt dead.
"Mom, It's already on Facebook," Adam said, glancing at his cell phone. "Jeez, how did it get out so fast?"
Alice looked at her husband, who was leaning against the sink, head down.
"We need to tell your parents."
He nodded and as he passed, Alice felt the soft brush of his hand across her back. She watched him go upstairs, head down.
They rode together in silence for the 20-minute ride. Alice insisted they tell Ben's parents in person. This was not something to say in a phone call. She remembered when her own father had died suddenly in a car accident over thirty years ago. It was the immediate family, Alice and her siblings, Nanny, Butch and Jenna at her mother's suggestion, who drove over an hour to tell two elderly parents that their youngest son had just died.
Alice remembered her own confusion, being young with no children. She couldn't understand their grief when her own mother had just lost her husband. Her grandfather was in his room, and it was the first time she heard such sounds coming from anyone. This high-pitched keening was the epitome of the anguish of loss. She had heard it in movies, but never in real life. His agony filled the entire house that night years ago. She hoped she'd never hear such a sad, forlorn sound again. She chided herself for not understanding before about the love between a parent and a child. With the birth of her first child, Adam, she finally understood. To lose a child was to lose a part of everything that made one feel complete.
Alice was the one who told Ben's parents. Her words came out simple and direct, with a calmness that surprised her. Todd had died during the night. No one knew how. They would find out later today.
Their reaction and the graciousness with which they accepted the news helped Alice cope with her own pain. They could understand her pain. Alice loved her in-laws and knew in her heart that their true grief would be expressed once everyone left.
. She was exhausted by the time they returned home. Her brother had brought several footlong subs and assorted cutlery, and Cathy was arranging the table. Lindsay was busy setting out glasses and sodas. The landline and cell phones were ringing and chirping with texts. No one answered. Alice tried to listen to the words of comfort coming from the phone, but her mind only heard soft mumblings of sympathy. She reached over and muted the message button.
She was not hungry. Slowly, she started up the stairs. Soft footsteps behind her told her Adam had followed. From the living room, she heard Ben apologizing to someone for pouring another drink. She heard her brother's quiet words, and she heard Ben begin to sob. She didn't care right now that he was drinking. It just didn't matter. Her heart was breaking and so was his. She wanted a drink with all her heart. Yet she knew it wasn't to drown out the pain. Deep inside, she just wanted to not be here.
Alice stepped into Todd's room and Adam reached to swipe away the yellow tape. She tried to explain what had happened, looking at the spot near the window where she last saw her son. Her words trailed off as the memories of that morning flickered quietly. Was it still the same day? Did this all just happen this morning?
"Todd....," she said, holding back the tears as her mind raced to keep calm. She went to the window and sat on the edge of the bed, looking down at the spot where she had tried to give him life. She laid back into the soft impression that he had left on the blanket.
"I can still feel him...." She whispered, breathing in deeply.
"Mom...," Adam stifled a cry, as he flopped gently on the bed beside her. He reached over and put his arm around her to comfort her. She leaned into him and together, both mother and brother, held each other. Their tears mingled on the blanket below.
"I knew he was already gone as soon as I saw him," she whispered. She looked up at the ceiling, as tears streamed down her cheeks. "But when I held him, he gurgled. I thought he might still be alive. I mean, he gurgled...."
Her voice trailed softly, and turned to Adam. She reached out and touched his cheek. She saw the pain and worry on his face.
"We're going to be alright." The words sounded hollow and she tried to mean them. Almost on cue, they both sat up, gathered their thoughts and hugged each other one last time.
The doorbell rang and Alice stood, moving towards the door. Adam stayed on the bed, saying he'd join her in a minute. She nodded and a sad smile told him she understood. They were three years apart, but they were close. Adam needed time to feel and be near his brother one last time.
******
Consider naming him earlier, near his first mention.
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