AUTHORS NOTE: Two chapters in one day? Holy crap! I'm just writing and trying to update as often as possible. Sorry if everything is slow, I really want to develop the story. And don't worry, the SoulMate stuff WILL come more in a while! Enjoy!!
Trigger warnings: mentions of anxiety, depression, self harm, anorexia, insomnia, PTSD, and bullying.
- ALEXANDERS POV -
The drive to Starbucks was silent. I think Jefferson was afraid to talk, afraid to startle me again. After texting my friends to let them know I was ok- or, rather, ok as I could have been after a panic attack and cutting. The car swerved suddenly and I realized we were just pulling into the parking lot.
"Sorry if I scared you, Hamilton. Are you alright?" Jefferson broke the silence by asking.
"Yeah. Much better now that all this has passed." I reply, my voice unexpectedly choppy because of my dry throat.
It was all that crying. What a wonderful way to start out. Now he probably thinks I'm a crybaby or something.
"Let's head inside. Don't worry, I'll buy all our drinks and food and whatever. It's the least I can do." He said, almost equally matching my quietness. He opens his door and I do the same. Together we walk to the entrance, and he pulls the door open for me. I nod in thanks.
"What'll you two gentlemen have today?" A girl with a nametag that reads Sally H. asks us. Jefferson nods at me to say Incan go first.
"I'll have a venti hot Carmel Macchiato with a shot of espresso, and a turkey and cheese sandwich, please." I tell her.
"And you, sir?" She asks Jefferson.
"A venti Sweet Tea and Roasted Tomato and Mozzarella Panini, dear." He says. There's that Southern charm. Wait, did I just say he has charm? What?
Thom- wait no, Jefferson, pulls me gently to a table after telling Sally our names. We find a two seated table and sit down.
"Listen, I know you're afraid of me. I know I made your life actual hell. I know I put on the note I wanted to be friends. I wasn't lying. I want to fix all my mistakes, Hamilton. I'm sorry." Jefferson spills out a few seconds upon getting to the table.
I don't know how to respond. It seemed so heartfelt, so true.
But is it, Alexander? Is it really true? Does he actually care, want to be friends?
No. He means it. He has to mean it. He's changed. He saved me from myself today.
"Thank you. I- I want the same. If we're going to be roommates for 4 years, we might as well get along. And, I never did thank you for earlier. I can't help it sometimes, the anxiety, depression just takes over." I say, after a beat of silence.
He nods. I like that. It isn't like people saying, I know how it is, in regards to depression or anxiety or anything. Because they don't know. They give you a false believe that they do. And at some point, they'll just stop caring.
Just like Dad did. I think to myself. I shudder slightly and push my dead beat father out of my head. I don't want him here.
Our names get called and we pick up our food and drinks, carrying them back to the table. I take a sip of coffee, pushing my exhaustion away. Jefferson nibbled a bit at his panini. I don't eat all that much, but I was hungry. I picked up my sandwich and ate some, happy to have something more substantial than coffee and toast, which was what I ate a lot. Suddenly, I get an idea. I decide, it's now or never, this could be the start.
"Jefferson? I was wondering if you would maybe like to go hangoutwithmyfriendsandIinhalfanhour?" I said the end quickly, hoping I wouldn't get rejected. Jefferson looked surprised when I asked him, but didn't have a look of disgust on his face.
"Y-yeah, Hamilton. I'll go." He said, in a voice that made it sound like it was just a nonchalant thing. I breathe out in relief. I pick up my sandwich and finish it, as does Jefferson. We decide to leave with our coffee and tea, but not before he slides Sally a 10 dollar bill.
"What was that about?" I question when we're in his car.
"Sally Hemings is working at Starbucks to support her child, who she had at 15, after being raped. We're sort of friends, and they don't have much, so I try to give her extra tips whenever it's her shift." He answered glancing at me a few times while he pulls down the street and towards the college where are dorms are.
"That's amazing, Thomas. Really. It is." I say. Then I realize: I called him Thomas. Not Jefferson, or Asshole or anything. Just.. Thomas.
The drive to John and Peggy's was just like the one to Starbucks. Awkward and silent. But with a bit less tension. Finally, we park and walk through the hallway to where I can hear my crazy friends screaming and laughing. I knock loud on the dorm door, so they can hear me. I'm greeted by John Laurens, one of my best friends.
"Alex! Hey man, we were worried about yo- wait a second, what's Jeffershit doing here?" He asks, incredulous. The commotion inside stops at the mention of Jefferson.
"Oh Jesus, Alex, please tell my what you needed to tell us is not about a relationship with Thomas fucking Jefferson." Angelica says, clearly praying in her head that I'm not dating Thomas.
"No! That's not it. We're actually sort of.. friends, I guess. But I do need to tell you guys some stuff. Its not terrible though." I answer Angelica and then regard the whole group. Jefferson spots James Madison in a corner, who seems like he's changed. He taps me and tells me he's walking to James. I tell him it's fine, he can go. I want to tell Angie, Eliza, Peggy, John, Laf and Herc what happened before they interrogate the crap out of me.
I flop on the couch and Eliza scoots over to me, embracing me.
"Are you alright, Alex?" She asks, concerned about me. Eliza is like a sister to me, even though we dated for 3 months in 10th grade. She's one of the only people I trust. I met her in 6th grade and when I started cutting in 8th, she was the first to find out.
"I'm ok. Shaken, sure, but ok," I reply. "Im going to tell the group what happened."
"Hey! Ang, Peg, Herc, Laf, and John! Get over here!" She called them over to the couches and they gathered around, looking at me expectantly, yet with a fear that I would tell them something terrible.
"Whats up, mon ami? We're here for you. Tell us what's up!" Laf says. He's probably the sweetest guy in our squad.
"Yeah, man, let's hear it!" Hercules, Laf's boyfriend adds.
"Well.. I had a panic attack," I begin. Peggy and Angelica gasp, along with Laf. They all look at me sadly. "Jefferson scared me. He didn't do a thing but I had a flashback, and I.. well, I had blades and I.." I stopped talking a simply pulled my sleeves up. Peggy looks like she's going to cry. Maria walks in the unlocked door right before I pull my sleeves down.
"Alex, I heard it all from outside. I assumed that's what it was but, honey, we need to help you." She said with tears threatening to spill down her cheeks. I felt bad. I cause 8 people pain.
"Well, Thomas came in and calmed me down. He saw this," I said gesturing at my arms, "and took all my blades and the knives in a safe. I don't know the password." I tell them.
"So, wait. You mean to tell me that Thomas Jefferson, who caused you to cut and attempt suicide more than once, helped you out of a panic attack and cleaned your cuts up, meaning he's no longer a total dick anymore?" John asks, surprise etched on his face.
"Yeah. And then we went to Starbucks because he said he felt bad." I tell them.
"Damn." Angelica, Lafayette and Peggy chorus at the same time, then break into a fit of laughter. I feel like this day hasn't been all crap. I think, aside from a few details, today was pretty good.
- THOMAS' POV -
I pulled into the parking lot a little sharp, scaring Alexander. Apologizing, we stepped out and I opened the door for him to start making up for it. I had so much to make up for.
We order our food and Sally is working the counter. Hamilton orders a big coffee with espresso. Does this man even sleep? He doesn't look like it. I gesture a bit to the food, trying to get him to eat, which he also doesn't look like he does. We order and find a table.
"Listen, I know you're afraid of me. I know I made your life actual hell. I know I put on the note I wanted to be friends. I wasn't lying. I want to fix all my mistakes, Hamilton. I'm sorry." I genuinely mean what I say. I was so bad to him. I led him to attempt suicide. How could I do that to a person?
"Thank you. I- I want the same. If we're going to be roommates for 4 years, we might as well get along. And, I never did thank you for earlier. I can't help it sometimes, the anxiety, depression just takes over." He responds. I feel so bad. Insomnia, anxiety, depression, suicidal, probably PTSD and anorexia. He has such a terrible life. But he's letting me in. And that's enough for now. I wait a moment, watching him scarf down his sandwich as I do the same. The suddenly,
"Jefferson? I was wondering if you would maybe like to go hangoutwithmyfriendsandIinhalfanhour?" I'm a little shocked. But happy. I tell him yes. We leave but I slip Sally her a 10 dollar bill. Hamilton asks me about it in the car. I tell him how Sally was raped at 15 and is providing for her child, but they don't have a lot.
"That's amazing, Thomas. Really. It is." I blush barely at the use of my first name and his compliment of me.
We get to his friends dorm, and there's a lot of noise. I'm pretty sure Hamilton gets freaked out easily by loudness, and I look at him to see if he's ok. But he just laughs a bit and walks on.
We knock on the door and we're greeted by none other than John Laurens.
"Alex! Hey man, we were worried about yo- wait a second, what's Jeffershit doing here?" I'm not really offended by the name; I guess I deserve it after bullying John Laurens best friend for so long.
Alex pulls us inside and I spot Angelica, Eliza and Peggy Schuyler, Hercules Mulligan, Marquis de Lafayette, and James Madison, my friend, who was a bit further away from everyone else. I tap Alex's shoulder to let him know I'm leaving him.
He nods and I walk away.
James grabs my arm as soon as I get near him.
"You're friends with Alexander Hamilton? Is he ok? Are you ok? What's going on?" He asked, rushed and confused. I hear Alex quietly explaining to his group. A small lump forms in my throats when he pulls his sleeves up a bit. Maria Lewis walks in. I don't hear everything but I catch,
"Heard it all.... assumed that's what it was... get you help..." she looked a second away from bursting into tears. I turn back to James.
"He's my roommate. We screwed him up so bad in high school he cut and still does. I have him a panic attack, then helped him out of it. He had cut himself and I took his blades and hid them and helped clean him up. We went to Starbucks and he asked me to come here." That was a mouthful. James just stared.
"We were assholes. Jesus, he almost died. Thomas, can you tell him I'm sorry? I don't want to scare him." James pleads, his face pale.
"Of course. When I go back to my dorm with him I will." I say, knowing James means his apologies.
Maybe this day wasn't so bad. Maybe, minus a few details, it was actually good.
Word Count: 2111 words