'You have got to get out of this house!' my mom exclaimed to me one particularly dull Saturday about a week after seeing Tommy.
I simply turned the page of the book I was reading and acted as if I didn't hear her. She made a noise in the back of her throat and stormed across my bedroom to yank the curtains open roughly. I winced as sunlight streamed in and I heard her throw the window open. A cool breeze entered the room and ruffled a few pages of my book gently. I glanced up.
'What do you want?' I asked.
'I want you to do something with yourself!' she said angrily, crossing her arms. 'You're going back to school on Monday morning and enrolling yourself! You have exams coming up for God's sake!' I scowled at her.
There was absolutely no chance of that happening. No way in hell.
'Why would I enrol myself for two weeks of the last year of my high school career?' I demanded. 'Talk about pointless,' I mumbled. 'I'll just get a tutor and do some reading up online... I still have my old textbooks too,' I pointed out.
'I don't want you moping around the house, Raegan!' she told me with a scowl. 'That's all you've been doing since you've came back. You never used to be like this... well only when you found out about the tumour but now even that can't be an excuse for you!'
I groaned at her and covered my face with the book.
'Just go away,' I grumbled, trying to fend her off.
'I will not,' she snorted, waving away my protests. 'Now, get up, get washed and dressed and we'll go to the mall, okay? I need a whole new wardrobe for work plus an outfit for a summer party one of the neighbours is having - you'll probably need to get one too as you're invited,' she rambled.
'Mom,' I groaned again.
'No but's!' she exclaimed. 'You're coming. Come on, we haven't been on a shopping trip in forever!'
'That's because there was no point in getting new clothes,' I mumbled, pulling the book away and folding the corner down. There was no point resisting. She'd murder me if she had to and bring my lifeless body around with her.
'Well now there is! A fresh start!' she said, excitedly.
'A second chance,' I mumbled, rolling my eyes.
'Exactly!' she replied. 'I didn't think you listened to anything I said, but you proved me wrong. I'm so proud... let's celebrate by going shopping,' she prodded.
'God, you're irritating,' I sighed.
'I'm not irritating! Anyone would kill for their mom to offer to take them shopping... I'm talking about wearing down my credit card right now,' she laughed. She really was trying to cheer me up. I decided to amuse her just this once.
'Fine, give me a half hour,' I agreed, hopping out of bed.
'No, no, I'll meet you there, hon,' she said 'I've got to go and weigh a package that I'm sending to Jenny, she's in Dubai, remember?'
Jenny was one of my mother's many friends. She had a hell of a lot of friends really. All over the world. She was what you'd call a social butterfly. The complete opposite of me at this moment in time.
I didn't even have any friends.
'Yeah, I remember,' I nodded absently. 'I'll meet you in the parking lot in about an hour?'
'You will... and if you don't turn up I'm confiscating the keys to your car,' she added.
'What!' I exclaimed. 'I'm eighteen, you can't do stuff like that anymore!'
'I paid for half of it, dear,' she winked. I ushered her out of my room quickly.
'I'll come,' I grumbled.
I jumped in in shower and quickly washed my hair out. Maybe I'd left it a day too long to wash it. I'd gotten pretty lazy the last week.
I'd finally been able to accept the fact that I wasn't going to die now. I had a follow up appointment with Doctor Cartwright and he prescribed me some pain meds but instructed me only to use them at the sign of a headache rather than as a preventative measure.
I hadn't really had many headaches. Not in the day. At night when I lay awake, my brain did start to ache sometimes. I put that down to mostly overthinking.
About him.
I didn't know what to do. I was so desperate to go back. I wanted to see him more than anything in the world but knew he wouldn't want to see me. Not after what I said. Or did. He was right really. I did string him along. I couldn't help myself from falling in love with him even though I knew I couldn't be with him. And then I lied to his face and broke his heart.
Seeing me now would only cause him more pain. He'd never be able to forgive me.
It was best to just stay away. Let him forget that I ever existed. I could at least do this one selfless thing.
Even if I'd think about him for the rest of my life.
I turned the heat up on the shower and scrubbed hard at myself. I knocked my head against the wall as the hot water splattered down on my back.
It was hard not to think about him.
Everything reminded me of him. Certain smells, certain words. Whenever I ate something I knew he'd like. Even when I watched TV I could practically imagine his commentary in my head. The neighbour's kid offered me a gummy worm yesterday and I nearly burst into tears. Their mom definitely thought I was a psychopath. Sometimes I saw her giving me wary looks.
I missed him so much.
If I could rewind time and go through all that pain and heartbreak all over again, I selfishly would. Just to hear his voice once more. Or run my hands through his hair. Or tease him and laugh and feel happy again.
I had my whole life back yet I'd trade it away just to be with him. I'd take Tommy's mom's place if I had to.
I had to keep away from him. Maybe he even thought I was dead by now. It was probably better that way. He'd move on easier. He could go to college, get a degree, probably get an amazing job because he's so smart. Get married.
'Fuck,' I muttered, knocking my head against the tiles to launch that thought out of my head. That was too hard to think about.
I scrubbed my face, unsure whether I was wiping away water or tears, and quickly turned the shower off.
I wrapped a towel around myself and frowned when I looked in the wardrobe. I had no clean clothes hanging up. I still hadn't unpacked my suitcases from Richmond.
I sighed and went over to the corner of the room, kicking the case over and unzipping it swiftly. I froze when I saw his shirt right on the top. My heart stopped for a moment. I'd forgotten I'd packed it.
I reached out and slowly ran my hand over the fabric. I couldn't help but pick it up and raise it to my face. Still smelt of him. I felt my eyes watering and I lowered the shirt down slowly before rifling through and grabbing some clothes to wear.
Within half an hour, I was dry and clothed and ready to go.
I checked my phone as I sat on my bed. I was clutching his shirt to my chest like a dramatic girl from a romcom but I didn't give a shit. It comforted me. If only a little.
I had an unread message from a random number I didn't have saved and frowned before checking it. Better not be one of those asswipes I used to call friends. I'd saved a template reply which I copied and pasted to them whenever they messaged. It was not very nice and contained a lot of F-bombs.
Hey, it's Tommy. I'm in town visiting my mom again, d'you want to get a coffee afterwards?
I was surprised he wanted to meet. We hadn't spoken since a week ago.
Sure. I'll see you at one at the Starbucks in the mall.
I tossed my phone in my handbag before snatching my keys up from the side. I carefully folded his shirt and left it on my bed before departing.
I ended up eating a bowl of fruit salad in the kitchen when my phone went off again with a reply from Tommy.
Okay, I'll see you then.
It was kind of funny really. If you told me a couple weeks ago that the only person I was speaking to, outside my family, was Tommy, then I'd have burst out laughing. My only friend in the world right now was Tommy... hell I couldn't even recall his last name.
He wasn't so bad really. Sure he's sarcastic and pretty emotionally unavailable but deep down he was a good guy. He might be kind of rude and short tempered too but he was fiercely protective of his friends.
Wait a second. Was I a female version of Tommy?
I scowled at that thought and tossed my bowl into the sink without thinking.
I stopped for gas on the way to the mall and messaged my mom to let her know I was on my way.
The mall parking lot was like hell. It was prime time shopping hour on a Saturday and all the crazy sale ladies were out and they looked feisty.
I spotted my mom in front of the main entrance and she surged over to me when she saw me approaching.
'There's a sale on, on every store on the third floor, we're not leaving until we take advantage,' she explained, grabbing my upper arm and pulling me forward excitedly.
'Oh, God,' I groaned. 'I'm meeting a friend at one so I'll have to leave you for an hour or so,' I added.
'You're not lying just to get out of this, are you?' she asked, raising her eyebrow suspiciously.
'No, mom,' I chuckled. Definitely sounded like something I would do. 'Come on.'
'Is this friend from here? I thought you hated them all now... you mentioned many swear words last week when I brought them up,' she said casually.
'No, he's from Richmond,' I said, dodging around a particularly vicious looking woman who looked like she used her walking stick for more than just support.
'He?' she asked, turning to squint at me. 'Is he the one giving you so many sleepless nights?'
'No,' I said in a slightly constricted voice. She glanced over to me, concerned, but I waved her away and distracted her with some talk about clothes.
So after an hour of trudging around from store to store whilst my mom tried on a lot of clothes and pressured me into trying on some too, I managed to escape with only a minimal amount of baggage.
'I'm going to go now,' I called over the curtain separating us. 'I've got to go meet Tommy. I'll find you again after.'
'Tommy? That's a cute name, you should invite him around for dinner,' she called back.
I grimaced. I'd like to see his face if I invited him over for dinner. That was never going to happen.
'Whatever, mom,' I snorted. 'I'm going to leave my shopping with you,' I added loudly, shoving the bags under the curtain.
I slowly made my way through the mall and up a set of escalators. I'd almost reached Starbucks by the time someone called out my name.
'Raegan! Hey! It is you!'
I turned and came face to face with Penny. I used to hang out with her all the time before the diagnosis. After that she pretty much dropped me.
'Wow, you look fantastic!' she said, sliding to a stop in front of me. Her blonde hair was braided back artfully and she had arms full of shopping bags. 'I heard that you're better now or something, right?' she spoke quickly.
'It was a mis-diagnosis,' I said bluntly.
'Ah yeah, sure,' she smiled. 'Anyway, now that's over with, you wanna hang out? Kate's having this huge end of term party in a couple weeks-'
'I'd rather die than go to that,' I replied.
'You're so dramatic, Raegan,' she laughed. 'It's why the guys always liked you. I guess you know how to get all of their attention,' she grinned conspiratorially. I looked back at her with an incredulous expression but she didn't seem to notice it.
'So,' she continued, clapping her hands together. 'You want to go dress shopping together? We could start-'
'Fuck off, Penny.'
She blinked in surprise.
'Sorry?'
'You should be. Now fuck off and don't talk to me again,' I said, turning away.
'You really are a psycho,' she said, scowling now. 'Guess you just like being the centre of attention all the time.'
I walked away as if I couldn't hear her and heard a snort of laughter from beside me. I blinked in surprise this time.
'Benny,' I said.
'You going to tell me to fuck off too?' he asked with a grin, walking closer.
I'd seen him around a couple times but hadn't bothered talking to him. Or anyone. I mostly pretended that no one existed whenever I had to go to the store anything.
'Depends what you're about to say,' I shrugged, attempting to feign at least some interest in the conversation. I supposed I'd been rude enough for one day. And he wasn't as bad as Penny, that was for sure.
'Nice to see you again,' he said slowly. 'Is that an acceptable thing to say?'
'It's not unacceptable,' I replied.
'Glad you're okay,' he said, face turning more serious now. 'Heard about everything. My dad's actually looking for that Howard guy. Apparently he resisted arrest and everyone's still looking for him.'
'Bastard,' I said, pressing my lips together in annoyance. 'Your dad a cop?' I asked slowly starting to walk towards the Starbucks.
'Yeah, he is,' Benny said, trailing at my side. 'Hey, um... I know we don't exactly know each other all that well but would you want to go out sometime?' he said quickly, pulling to a stop.
I looked over at him and felt bad all of sudden. I don't know why but it felt like... cheating. Me and... him. We hadn't even been together. Yet the thought of dating anyone else repelled me. It felt so innately wrong that I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't even force myself to reply and ended up just staring at him in what felt like horror.
'By that look, I'm going to take that as a no,' Benny said slowly with a rueful smile.
'I - sorry, Benny,' I managed to get out, shaking my head slightly to clear my brain. 'I can't.'
He eyed me appraisingly for a few moments then.
'Is it that guy I saw you with?' he asked. 'From Richmond. The football player?' I looked away and couldn't find any reply to make which wouldn't end up in me bursting into tears. 'Thought so,' he said quietly. 'He's crazy about you. I could tell just from the way he looked at you. And the way he looked at me, like he wanted to kick my ass just for breathing the same air as you,' he laughed. I couldn't join in. I couldn't even talk yet.
'Well,' Benny said as I looked back over at him. 'If you're ever single - or just bored and want to hang out- then let me know.'
'Thanks, Benny,' I said, forcing a smile and almost stumbling over my words. 'See you around.'
As he walked away I managed to keep the smile up for a few seconds before dropping it and letting out a low sigh.
'Well, can't say you're not loyal,' Tommy said from beside me.
'Holy shit!' I exclaimed, leaping away. 'Announce your presence!'
'Wanted to eavesdrop,' he shrugged. 'Come on,' he added, walking further up until we reached the Starbucks. I trailed behind him. 'You get hit on a lot in malls?' he called back to me.
'Shut up,' I grumbled, throwing myself down into one of the few seats left. He chuckled and joined me on the opposite side and within a minute someone came to take our order.
'You look like crap,' Tommy said, giving me a once over.
'Wow, way to boost a girl's confidence,' I said sarcastically.
'I didn't mean like that,' he replied with a laugh. 'You just look... worn down.'
'I feel worn down,' I muttered. 'How was your mom?'
'She's okay... getting worse though.'
'I'm sorry.'
'I don't want your pity,' he said, turning his face away. I couldn't help but laugh at his words and he shot me a narrow-eyed look.
'I'm just seeing similarities between us,' I said. 'I didn't want the pity either. We're oddly alike sometimes.'
'That is undeniably true,' he said after a pause.
'Undeniably,' I confirmed. 'So why did you want to meet me?'
'Hey, you're my friend, aren't you?' Tommy said with a smirk. 'A friend is allowed to see their friend.'
'I've forgotten the meaning of the concept of friendship,' I admitted. 'I can tell that you have some kind of ulterior motive,' I added, leaning back as the waitress placed two coffees on our table.
'I've got it,' Tommy said.
'Thanks,' I replied as he handed over a twenty dollar bill to the waitress and told her to keep the change with a wink. 'Hey,' I said slowly as a thought occurred to me.
'Yes?'
'How do you afford to keep that apartment?' I asked.
He wrapped his hand around the cup of coffee and shrugged.
'Well they aren't exactly expensive,' he said slowly. 'But I do have a part-time job... I try and get as many hours as I can.'
'Oh,' I said stupidly.
I took a sip of my coffee and wrinkled my nose. No sugar. Tommy tossed a few sachets of brown sugar to me and I poured them in swiftly
'How old are you?' I asked as I stirred.
'Is this twenty questions?' he smirked, raising his eyebrow at me.
'I don't know anything about you,' I pointed out.
'I don't know anything about you,' he replied. 'Except that you take sugar in your coffee.' I tilted my head at him as I waited for him to answer. 'I'll be nineteen in a couple of months,' he said eventually.
'So in other words you're eighteen,' I replied.
'It sounds better my way.'
'Sure,' I rolled my eyes.
'My turn for a question,' he said suddenly, leaning forward. 'What does it feel like to be told you're going to die?'
I looked up from my coffee as I considered the question. He had a curious look on his face and seemed eager for my reply so I decided to answer as truthfully as I could.
'It's the worst,' I said, looking back down. I started to shred an empty sugar packet. 'Everything's over for you in a second.' I frowned. 'I guess it's different depending on each person,' I murmured. 'If you're eighty years old, dying probably doesn't seem like such a surprise but eighteen...'
'My mom was forty,' he replied. 'When they first diagnosed her. Wonder how that felt.'
'Pretty shitty, I'd imagine,' I murmured.
'Yeah,' he agreed, leaning back and letting out a huff of air. 'Pretty shitty.'
We didn't say anything for a minute or so then. I sipped at my coffee and tried to figure out why he was here. I'd suspected an ulterior motive but maybe he did just want to talk. He really didn't seem like a... just talking kind of person though.
'And what did it feel like to be told you're not going to die?' Tommy asked, breaking me out of my reverie.
'I'm still trying to figure that out myself,' I mumbled.
'Hmm,' he murmured, tapping the table with his fingers and narrowing his eyes at me. 'Guess what?' he asked, sitting up straight all of a sudden.
'What?' I asked cautiously.
'I don't like coffee,' he said. I frowned at his full cup and looked back up at him.
'So you do have an ulterior motive!' I exclaimed.
'I never denied it in the first place,' he pointed out.
'Go on... tell me what you want,' I sighed.
'Go back.'
'What home? Is this discussion over already?' I frowned.
'No you effing moron,' he said, shaking his head.
'Hey you didn't swear,' I said.
'Only when I'm angry usually,' he replied.
'You just strike me as the type who would swear a lot,' I mused.
'Well I'm not - hey, don't make me drift off topic!' he scowled.
'Tell me what you mean then.'
'Go back to Richmond.'
I froze.
'Why would I do that?' I asked cautiously.
'I thought I was pretty clear the last time I saw you,' he said. 'Do something.'
'What are you expecting me to do exactly?' I hissed leaning closer.
'Go back and face your problems,' he shrugged. 'Bradley deserves to know everything. Doesn't he? Don't they all? It's not just him you've messed around, you know. Remi, Tara and George are all worried about you and him. It's your fault.'
I looked down and pursed my lips.
'I know it's my fault.'
'Then why are you sitting doing nothing about it?' he demanded.
I reached over and pulled the coffee cup from his hands as he was close to spilling it. A couple of people were looking around at our heated discussion and I let out a calming breath.
'What else can I do?' I replied.
'Fix it.'
'What if I can't?' I whispered.
I looked up at him desperately and he leaned over, grabbing my hand in a tight, almost painful, grip.
'You won't know unless you try,' he said before looking down and pulling his hand away with a frown. 'Ugh, I've got to stop doing that,' he complained with a disgusted face.
'You really do,' I agreed with a half smile. It disappeared quickly though.
'Go back now,' he repeated. 'And make it right. Any good person would at least try.' He paused then and met my eyes once more before cocking his eyebrow. 'Unless you're too scared, of course.'
'I'm not scared,' I snorted in annoyance.
'Seems like you are,' he said casually. 'I know what fear looks like by now.'
'So what if I am?' I muttered.
'You're going to let a little fear run your life?' he asked. 'Run back to your mommy and let her look after you? Just in case you haven't realised it by now, mom's aren't around forever.'
'Shut up,' I scowled.
'Only when you get up and go back to Richmond,' he said, leaning back in his chair. 'If you don't go, I'll haunt you 'til your dying day. Trust me.'
'Shit,' I said, slamming my hand down on the table and causing a few people to give me dirty looks. 'I need to go back, don't I?' I said slowly.
'You need to.'
'I've got to try,' I whispered. 'I owe him that much.'
'You owe him a lot,' Tommy murmured. 'And...' he hesitated. 'He owes you a lot too. When I said you weren't good enough for him... I think I was talking about myself. Not that I want to hook up with him,' he assured me with a half smile. 'I mean... shit, you know what I mean.'
'He's pure,' I murmured. 'He'd never hurt anyone. And he selfless. And kind and... fuck, Tommy,' I said, digging my nails into my palms. 'I love him so much.'
'Then, what are you still doing here?'
I jumped to my feet then, nearly knocking both of our drinks over in the process.
'Thank you,' I said, darting away from the table. I paused with a scowl and turned back to him. 'Hey,' I said. 'Don't insult my mom again. She wanted me to ask you around for dinner!'
I turned to leave.
'Tell her I'll gladly come,' I heard him call behind me in an amused tone of voice. 'So long as you're not there!'
I couldn't hold back a laugh as I sprinted away and soon I was violently forcing my way down the escalators and through the crowds of swarming shoppers. I finally made my way outside and flat out ran across the parking lot to my car, not caring about the strange looks I was receiving so long as I was moving forwards
Towards Richmond.