This is really sad at some points, including self-harm, so keep that in mind.
Phil's POV
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY PHIL!!"
I yelp, jumping back in suprise. My mum had told me to wake up and meet her downstairs, and I thought I was in trouble. It was quite the opposite really. My mum, dad and older brother were all surrounding me, still in their pyjamas since it was morning.
"Thanks." I smile back at everyone, giving them each a heartfelt hug.
"I can't believe your already 18! Your nearly older than me!" My 22 year old brother Martin jokes.
"I know right." I laugh, looking at my parents who smiled happily at me.
"Go get ready hun, you still have school today." My mood instantly drops. School. My family don't really know how much I hate it, or much I get bullied. All they know is that I have one best friend, but they think I like her.
I nod, running upstairs to shower, get changed and straighten my hair. Once i'm ready, I pack my school bag. Atleast it's Friday, one more day of suffering and then 2 days off. But then it starts all over again.
I walk down the street to school, which, luckily is only a few minutes away. Oh no. The bullies. I like to think of them as 'the monkeys', due to their fuzzy like appearance and horrible grammar. And also because I hate them.
They don't see me luckily, as I swoop past them and jet off to my first class with my form, role-call. I take my seat at the back and wait patiently for the class to begin. My friend isn't in my class. But she is in my next one, so i'll have to suffer for now.
"Hey fag."I hear being yelled from across the room, obvoiusly directed at me.
I don't turn around. What would be the point? I would just be pelted with stupid insults.
I also can' t look him in the eyes. The hideous monster I once called my 'best friend'. Now all he does is skip school and innocent people.
"We're calling you, Lester!" I finally turn around after being hit on the head by a pencil.
"What!" I ask, annoyed, wishing the teacher would get here soon.
"You know nobody likes you, especially me. It was just an experiment, and you fell for it." Dan laughed.
Wow, that hurt. We had been friends since the age of 9, and to say all those years together meant nothing, made tears well up in my eyes as I attempted to quickly wiped them away. But of course, they saw.
"OH MY GOD HE'S CRYING! WHAT A FUCKING LOSER!!" One of Dan's friends laugh, making the whole class turn to me, while I just bury my head in my book in embaraasment. I can hear Dan laughing too, and that's what always breaks my heart.
Finally, after all the taunting and teasing, our teacher comes in to check out attendance. After that, I run off to my next class, Art.
Carrie, my best friend is in Art, so this might not be that bad. Too bad Dan is still in my Art class. He's in practically all of my classes, except for History.
I enter the room early and sit at my desk as other students arrive. Then Carrie arrives, and just her smile immedientely makes me feel 10 times better.
"Lion!!" She squeaks the pet name I love, running to our seat, pulling her bag down as she squeezes me into a hug.
"Hi Carrie." I say back, smiling.
"Happy Birthday, love! I'll give you your present after school at your house." She explains, scanning my face. Oh no.
"Phil. You have been crying haven't you??"
"What? No! No, of course not! I'm perfectly fine. Oh and you didn't need to get me anything!" I add, quickly trying to change the subject.
"Dont worry about it!" She hugs be again, before letting go as out teacher comes in.
The thing I love about Art class is, that the teacher, can actually teach, unlike most of the rubbish teachees in this school. I could be doodling ib my book one day, and he would still consider it, 'Art'.
Twenty minutes into the lesson, the insults return. But worse, they are only from Dan, the one person I thought I could trust, besides Carrie.
"Hey fag! I hear it's your birthday! Are you gonna go home and cry now?!" Dan laughs from across the room, and the teacher is too fascinated in his book to see, obviously.
"Shut the fuck up Daniel!" Carrie yells back. Thank God she's here.
"Are you getting your girlfriend to protect you now?!" He laughs cruelly.
"You just called him a faggot and now your saying I'm his girlfriend?" Carrie laughs, "Get your facts together mate."
"Thanks." I whisper to her. She nods and says" Ignore that idiot."
Finally the lesson ends after another 30 minutes or so. After break, Carrie and I go to the library. We don't usually hang out here, but I needed to get a new book. When we went back outside, I could see from the corner of my eye, someone staring at me. Dan. Luckily, Carrie sees this too.
"What the fuck are you looking at Howell! Why are you staring at Lester?!" She yells aggressively. She's not always this mean, only to Dan and other bullies. Which just makes me admire her more.
Dan quickly turns around, acting as if nothing happened and mumbles "Eww, why would I wanna stare at that." He then swiftly walks away. Wow, that hurt a lot.
"Ignore him." Carrie reassures, pecking me on my cheek in a friendly way. "Thanks." I mumble back quietly.
After break finally finished, I walked into my next lesson alone, since Carrie has Buisness studies and I have Music. My music teacher isn't that bad, luckily.
"Fag!" I hear being yelled again. Of course it's Dan Howell, most popular guy in school, all the girls love him, bla bla bla. I couldn't care less about his reputation to be honest.
I felt a price of paper hit my arm, thrown across the room and I stupidly open it.
Nobody likes you, so why are you still alive again? :P
-Dan
I scrunch it up and toss it in the bin, for once, not missing the bin, and just try try to block him out.
After class, I had to suffer through Geography, which to my delight went pass quickly for me. I was grabbing some books from my locker when Dan and his 'friends' walk over to me.
"Gosh Lester, your still alive?" His friends laugh at his comment, some of them giving him high fives.
I try to ignore them again, not to retaliate.
"Nobody likes you! When are you gonna go kill yourself already? Even Matt didn't like you!"
That hurt. Matt was my other best friend, who sadly commited suicide a few years ago.
"He just felt sorry for you!" I bite my lip as the tears roll down my cheek.
"Matt killed himself to finally get away from you!" That's when I lost it.
"SHUT UP ABOUT HIM!" I yell, punching Dan's jaw, causing him to fall backwards.
He stands up again, holding his friends back. "Your useless, pathetic, unwanted and unloved. Why don't you get that Lester?!" He taunts again.
"Where were you, when he commited suicide? Huh? Where were you, when he suffered through depression? When he cut, when he got those tablets, and ate. Every . Single. Pill. Where were you, huh?" He laughs.
I lose my temper again. I jump forward, pinning him down as I punch his face as many times as I can. His friends pull me off him, all surrounding me as they start to beat me up. Kicks, punches and insults. The insults hurt the worst though, because I can heal from the bruises, but all those insults will stay in my mind.
The finally left, laughing. I just sat their and cried, like the pathetic wimp I am. I struggle to my feet, and wobble to the boys toilets to clean myself up. I look in the mirror. I'm disgusting. Good thing I have it in my bag. The thing that always gives me a release.
I take out the razor, going into one of ths stalls and locking it, despite being alone in the toilets. Someone could still walk in. I grab it, I grab my razor, and make two deep cuts, before grabbing some tissus to press onto them, so that it won't leak through my shirt.
I walk out, as if nothing happened. I had skipped two classes, because I just felt like shit today. The bell rung, signalling the end of class. I bump into a figure, and murmur quietly "Sorry."
I look up to see Dan. Oh great. He smiles evily at me, and drags me back to the toilets. Probably to insult me and hurt me more, or for more payback.
He laughs, observing my state. I'm shaking, and terrified. He grabs my wrist, causing me to shreik and scream in utter pain. He notices this and quickly lets go, giving me a weird look. He stares at my covered wrist, before he looks horrified.
"Eww, did you..." He trails off, staring at my wrist, looking disgusted.
He walks forward, and before I can protest, i'm pinned up against the wall. I shriek again in horror as he press his fingers onto my wrist, causing excruciating pain from my recently cut wrists.
He stares at me, disgusted, as he forcefully pulls my sleeves down, and sees the many, many scars and cuts.
"P-Please." I beg, for the first time.
He looks at me suprised, i've never begged before for him to stop before.
"Please l-let g-go! It h-hurts so much! PLEASE!" I scream, causing him to quickly release my wrist as I sink to the floor staring at them.
I look up, and to my suprise, he's still standing there.
"A-Are you s-still going through d-depression?" He asks quietly.
"P-Please leave me alone...w-what have I ever done to you? W-What have I ever done to deserve this?! I just want to end this all..." I trail off.
"You-"
"I'm disgusting. A freak. A faggot. Unwanted. Unloved. Better of dead. I know. I KNOW! YOU REMIND ME EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY! I KNOW WHY I DESERVE TO DIE!!" I yell in his face and he stays silent.
"But you don't care do you? As long s you look 'cool' infront of your friends, you don't care how much i've been so close to killing myself. You don't care about any of that, of course you don't! I'm nothing to you, just an experiment. Does that makes these cuts an 'experiment'? Those pills I took that never seemed to worked an 'experiment? Or maybe that rope that was too weak? Was that another 'experiment? I wish." I laugh coldly.
He starts shaking, and tears well up in his eyes. What's happening? Why is he crying?
"Are you mocking me?" I ask coldly.
"Your right." He says quietly.
"What?"
"Your so fucking right. I was never like this before, but I...I did it because they did it. It made me have lots of friends, I looked cool. I got to so used to it that it didn't hurt to say it to you anymore."
"I've heard enough lies." I say, struggling to my feet, walking out. I painfully walk back home, with all the bruises scattered on my legs.
Once I reach home, I immediently go upstairs to my room and just cry into my pillow for an hour or so. I hate my life.
I hear a knock at the door."Go away." I say coldly.
To my suprise, Carrie walks in. "Your mum let me in." She explains. sitting next to me on my bed.
My head was stuffed in my pillow and my bruises were covered, so she couldn't see.
"What happened after school lion?" She asks gently.
I raise my face fron the pillow and she gasps. My face is littered with bruises and scratches.
"Phil!" She says sympathetically, hugging me gently so she won't hurt any of the bruises on my arm she probably guessed I had.
"I'm sorry." I whimper quietly.
"Don't be! Phil this us not your fault. It's that bastard Dan's fault." She says softly, stroking my hair as I burt my head in her shoulder.
"I...I know."
*************
After Carrie left, I felt a lot better. I didn't feel like a complete idiot that much. It was 8pm when my doorbell rang again. Thinking it was Carrie who probably forgot something, I opened it. But it wasn't Carrie. It was Dan.
He looked terrible. His hair was a mess, red, puffy eyes, and he looked like he was about to cry again.
"W-What do you want? How did you know where I live?!"
"I remembered." He said quietly, his voice cracking and raspy. He sounded...broken.
"Why are you here though?" I ask coldly.
"I...I'm sorry. That thing with Matt...that was too far."
"Anything else?"
"I'm sorry."
"Okay, whatever.' I was about to shut the door but he put his foot in the way.
"What!" I say, already mildly irritated.
Is this some part of a joke he and his friends had planned? Why is he talking to me? Why is he here?
"Can we...I need to talk to you...:
"No. Now if you could please leave, 'cause I don't know what kind of sick, cruel joke your playing on me but its not going to work."
"Phil, please!" He begs, and I finally give in.
"Fine, we'll talk. But not here, we can talk at the park, come on." I say, grabbing his arm as I pull him to the park, but quickly let go once I know he's following me.
Once we reach the deserted park since it was getting late, I sit on one of the swings and Dan takes the swing next to me. I give him a cold look, and he looks down, looking...ashamed?
He looks up at the cloudy sky, supposedly thinking of what to say to me as we just sit there in silence. Finally, he breaks the painfully awkward silence.
"I...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Phil. I'm sorry how much I bully you. I'm sorry how much I treat you like shit, when you deserve to be treated so much better. I'm sorry I teased, insulted, hurt and bullied you. It was awful, and disgusting and i'm really ashamed of myself, and i'm just really sorry. Especially about that Matt thing, I know that was too far. I'm not asking for your forgiveness, but I just want you to know...i'm sorry."
We sit in a few minutes of more silence, until I break it.
"I...I forgive you, I guess." I mumble quietly.
"You do?!"
"Well, yeah. I mean, you seem really sad about it, and...I may be utterly stupid but I believe you."
"Thank you! Thank you so so much!" He yelps, pulling me into a tight hug. I felt myself relax into the hug from my first best friend and hug him back. It lasted for a few comfortable minutes.
"Dan?" I ask, pulling apart from the hug, suprisingly to see him crying.
I wipe the tears from his eyes, smiling.
"Do you...wanna maybe...go to my house and have a cup of tea? I-It's getting late and it looks like it's about to rain...and I can't let you go home in the rain..." I mumble quietly.
He nods enthusiastically, getting up and dragging me with him. He actually seemed, happy. I don't remember the last time I saw him smile for a good reason, and not just for beating someone up. I liked his smile, it showed off his dimples, just like it used to when we were younger.
We sat on my bed, sipping at the hot.drinks whilst watching Adventure Time on my TV. Dan's laugh was still as cute as ever. Thankfully, it never changed. His eyes looked amazing when they were happy. That never changed either.
"Phil?"
"Yeah?"
"I was such a dick to you."
"You were, yes."
"And i'm truly sorry."
"It's okay Dan."
**************
At school the following Monday, I wasn't teased, insulted or hurt. In fact, it was marvellous. Dan randomly approached me at lunchtime whilst I was putting my books in my locker.
"Hi Phil!" He greets happily, waving his hand.
"Hey." I say quietly, confused to why he was talking to me.
"Um, I kinda...left my friends. They were a bunch of dickheads who thought they were better than everyone else anyway...so, I was wondering...if I could maybe hang out with you an your friends?" He asked hopfully.
"Yeah, I mean I guess. You did just kinda leave the most popular group in school just to hang out with 'lonely Lester' ". I say, referring to the nickname he used to taunt me with.
"But, my friend Carrie..." I trailed off, thinking he got the point.
Dan nodded understandingly. Carrie wouldn't take this very well, since she was always the once who stuck up for me when I got bullied. But she knew about the days when Dan and I used to be friends, so she might understand. Especially since he did abandoned all of his friends just to hang out with me.
"Do you love her? As in, more than a friendly way?" Dan asks suddely, looking into my eyes. He looks...sad?
"Of course not. Besides, i'm sure you would know this by now, but I am gay. Well, bisexual, but i've never actually been with a girl." I say quietly.
"Oh." He says, smiling. He looks a lot more happier.
"Shall we go find her?" I ask.
He nods and we go off to find Carrie. She was in the libary reading, like the lovable nerd she is.
"Carrie?" I interrupt her book, making her look up.
"Yes lion? Whoa, why is he here?" She asks angrily, pointing at Dan.
"Let me explain." I walk over to her, taking the nearby seat.
We whisiper quietly for about 10 minutes, arguing, compromising and then finally agreeing. We finally agreed on letting him stay, though she wasn't exactly 'over the moon' about it.
Dan and I just walked around the feilds at lunchtime, since Carrie claimed she had hayfever and was not going anywhere near the grass. I have it too, but not as bad as her I guess.
Dan and I sat on the grass and I talked about Buffy, Muse, Lions and whatever else I could think of, and Dan just smiled, listening to every word, just like old times.
We were plucking at the grass, Dan talking about how sarcastic he had gotten when I started sneezing. Once. Twice. Three times.
"Are you okay?" Dan laughs, grabbing a tissue from out of his pocket.
I take the tissue thankfully, blowing my nose and wiping my eyes which were now very watery.
"It looks like your crying." Dan said sadly, looking into my eyes.
"I'm not, I promise. Just hayfever." I laugh, as my eyes tear up some more.
"Do you want to get off the grass?"
"Naa, it's not that bad."
"P-Phil..." Dan asks nervously, his brown eyes looking hopeful and slightly scared. I think i'm falling for him again. This isn't good.
"Yes?"
"C-Can I kiss you?" He asks timidly.
My eyes widen in suprise. Dan wants to kiss me. Dan fucking Howell, the boy I have been in love with for almost 7 years wants to kiss me.
"Um, s-sure." I stutter nervously, a lump in my throat.
He cautiously leans forward, placing his hand on my cheek. He wipes away some of the tears still there from my hayfever, staring into.eachothers eyes for a few seconds.
Dan leans forward, and so do I. Our lips meet, and it wasn't a perfect kiss, but it felt electric. Butterflies were forming in my stomach and my chest was pounding. We pulled apart, staring at eachother. Then I start laughing, and he looks at me utterly confused.
"You have a ladybug in your hair." I raise my hand up into his hair, the small insect crawling onto my fingers, as I show Dan.
"Aww." He laughs, staring at the small creature before it quickly flies away.
"Phil, I kinda...I kinda love you. Well, for a long time...but I never told you, and I wanted to tell you now, because I still have those feelings." Dan mumbles, looking down making his fringe cover his beautiful brown eyes.
"I love you too Dan." I say back dreamily as we pull in for another kiss. I'm glad i've got Dan back. The old Dan that I love.