I didn't really know what to do after that.
My mom pretty much took over because I'd collapsed into my chair and had just recovered from hyperventilating. I listened to their conversation while I leaned over my knees and had my head in my hands.
'-background checks on the people you hire?' she was yelling. 'You of all people can't recognise a drug addict when you see one? You work in a hospital!'
I zoned out again after that. I couldn't listen to their chatter.
I wasn't going to die.
I just got my whole life back.
'The headaches,' I said, jerking my head up to look at Doctor Cartwright. 'Tell me more about them.'
'They're just normal migraines, Raegan,' he said, seeming relieved that I'd stopped my mother's tirade. 'Easily treatable. Actually... with migraines it's usually best not to over medicate with painkillers. Did they get worse?'
'They got more frequent,' I said slowly. 'But I figured that was because I ran out of the pills.'
'That was probably a good thing. It's not common knowledge but painkillers - overuse of painkillers - can create and worsen headaches. That, along with stress and lack of a proper diet. Skipping meals and not keeping yourself hydrated does not help.'
'I felt nauseous too,' I whispered.
'Another common symptom. Anyway, I suggest you stay off the medication for now - I want to review your dosage and prescription history before seeing what's best for you.'
'Tell me, doc,' I said slowly. 'Have any other patients been effected by this Howard guy? Or was it just me.'
He sighed.
'A few others. I believe your particular case is... well the worst. I think you were one of the last patients he treated. He probably knew his time was running out here and got desperate,' he shrugged.
'I cannot wait to get home and call my lawyer,' my mom hissed angrily.
'I understand. I'll even put you in touch with our legal counsel here. I probably shouldn't say this but... if I were you,' he looked at me. 'I'd take this place down.'
'Why are you saying this?' I asked.
'I can't go into further details without risk of losing my job,' he shrugged. 'But please believe me when I say I'm truly sorry this happened to you. And I'm really sorry but I have other patients to meet today.'
He began to get up and I stood suddenly, surprised at the strength in my legs.
'Before you go...' I said hesitantly, trying to hold it together for a little longer. 'You said my scan was a copy of someone else's. Does... do they know about the tumour?'
'Yes,' he nodded. 'Actually, they've known for years. That was a scan taken from a few weeks ago. But I can't tell you much else - confidentiality.'
‘Can you tell me if they're... are they...
'Dead?' he asked. I nodded. 'No. Not yet. She's in one of our ICU wards though. I don't think it will be long now.'
'She...' I murmured. 'You think it's possible for me to meet her?'
'I can't legally disclose that information.'
'I see,' I said quietly, looking down with a sigh.
I wasn't even sure if I wanted to meet her.
He let out a sigh before leaning over his computer again and rapidly typing. He snatched up a post it note and hastily wrote something down before heading towards the door.
'I seem to have dropped something,' he said dryly before letting the paper flutter to the ground and leaving the office.
I looked at my mom for a second before jumping up and snatching the note from the ground.
A room number.
Bingo.
* * *
I left my mom behind. For some reason I felt this was necessary to do on my own. It was hard to get away from her tears but eventually I managed to l break free.
I didn't even know what I wanted to do or say. I just made my way towards the elevator as if I were in a dream.
I was going to live.
It hadn't sunk in yet. Even as I pushed the correct floor number in the elevator, my mind couldn't process the thought.
The elevator door slid open on another floor and I practically snarled at the woman who tried to join me. She changed her mind and backed away quickly before the doors shut again.
Guess I was angry.
I'd become quite detached from my emotions over the last week. I found it quite difficult to get in touch with them again. I took a deep breath as the elevator dinged, signalling I'd reached my destination.
I was going to live?
I stepped out of the elevator quickly and glanced down at the note in my hand. I followed the signs down to a hallway on the left. I was pretty sure I was supposed to sigh in as a visitor but no-one was around so I decided to just wing it and find the room without telling anyone.
I paused when I realised where I was going.
What the fuck was I doing? Am I insane? Did I really want to see the person who was in my place? What would I even say? Wouldn't she think I was rubbing it in? I guess I didn't have to tell her.
I struggled for a while with my tumult of emotions. My numbness was starting to wear off and my heart was pounding in my chest.
Holy shit, I was going to live.
I need to see her. I had a gut feeling and I usually followed those.
I continued down the dim corridor. I couldn't help but peek into the rooms either side of me. A few were empty but the few patients I did see, were all quite old. Maybe in their eighties or nineties. There were a few visitors but it was still eerily quiet except for the faint beeping of heart monitors.
The room I was headed for was at the end and I slowed down slightly. Should I go in if she's awake? What would I say?
Just as I was about to approach, the door swung open a few feet in front of me. I panicked for a moment and for some reason looked left and right as if looking for a place to hide. Hell, I probably looked super suspicious.
I came to a sudden halt as I stared at the guy's back. His dark hair was quite ruffled and messy. And...
Familiar.
As if sensing my eyes on him, the guy turned around and my stomach dropped. His own eyes widened and I saw them slowly look me up and down as if he couldn't believe what he was seeing.
‘Tommy?’ I breathed.
‘Raegan,’ he said slowly. 'What the hell are you doing here?' I winced. His voice was loud in the silence of the hallway.
‘I... well,’ I shook my head sharply, not knowing where to even begin. 'Who's in that room?' I asked, eyes travelling past him.
'Nah,' he said, shaking his head and crossing his arms in front of his chest with narrowed eyes. 'You first. You have a lot of explaining to do.'
'I guess I do.'
* * *
An hour later and I'd just finished spilling my guts out to Tommy in the hospital cafe. He still had a look of pure disbelief on his face as I sipped at my coffee.
'And then you left,' he said slowly. I nodded and he leaned back in his chair. 'Bradley's all torn up, you know,' he added lowly. 'You shouldn't have left him like that.'
I winced. No one had said his name since. Not even me. I tried not to even think his name. Hearing it now was painful.
‘I had to,' I whispered, tightening my hands around my coffee mug. 'I thought... I thought if I tried to get him to hate me then it'd be easier for him to get over me,' I shrugged.
'I get it,' Tommy muttered. 'I tried to talk to him, I went by the house a few days ago. As soon as I mentioned your name and what I said to you that morning... well he didn't like that. He got pissed and told me to leave.'
I realised I was leaning over the table, desperate for him to continue. Any news about him was news I wanted to hear. My heart was thundering in my chest. I missed him so much.
'Look,' Tommy said slowly. 'I'm sorry about what I said. I don't apologise often so don't ask me to repeat myself,' he grumbled, crossing his arms in front of him.
'You were right,' I said, leaning back.
He didn't reply to that.
'Why were you up in that hallway?' he asked.
'I'm not sure,' I murmured, looking up at him. 'Who is she?'
He took a long time to answer then. I saw him rubbing his knuckles with his other hand and his face was closed off. He was pretty good at hiding his thoughts.
'My mom,' he said finally.
My stomach dropped.
'Your mom?' I repeated.
'She was diagnosed a few years back,' he began to explain. 'Few weeks ago we got a new scan back and they said she didn't have long left.' I found myself digging my nails into my palms as he spoke. 'And why,' he added slowly. 'Would you want to see her? Did you want to see what you would've turned out like if you actually did have that tumour?' he asked coldly.
'No!' I exclaimed, eyes widening. 'I'd never- I just felt awful, I-' I broke off and closed my eyes tightly for a moment. 'I don't know. I still feel like it should have been me. She doesn't deserve it.'
'No-one deserves it,' Tommy muttered. 'You certainly don't either, stop blaming it on yourself.'
‘I’m sorry,’ I said weakly. I met his eyes once more and his softened slightly before he sighed.
‘I’ve come to terms with it, Raegan... well for the most part,’ he said slowly. ‘I took a couple of weeks off school when they re-diagnosed her to get an exact figure...’
‘I remember,’ I said with a nod. ‘I did wonder... I wish it were under different circumstances...’
‘Wishing never solves anything,’ he shrugged very practically.
‘You’re damn right about that.'
He looked back at me for a moment before rolling his eyes and placing his hand over mine in an attempt to be comforting.
'Ew.'
'Yeah that was gross,' he grimaced, pulling his hand away quickly. We both looked at each other and laughed.
'I think I'm used to hating your guts,' I said with a half smile.
'Likewise,' he smirked. 'So... you still want to meet her?' he asked after a moment. 'She's not awake but...'
'Yeah,' I nodded hesitantly.
'Come on then.'
When we reached the room again, Tommy looked back at me for a second before pushing open the door.
The sound of the heart monitor got louder and my eyes fell on the figure on the bed. She had a drip and a few other tubes coming out of her - I didn't really know what they were for.
My eyes found her face. Her hair was blonde. It looked kind of wispy and lifeless and had a few strands of grey streaked throughout. Her skin was very pale too. I wondered just how long she had been in here. She didn't even seem that old, just aged because of her condition.
‘You look just like her,’ I said. He did. The general shape of the face was the same and I bet under those lids their eyes would match. You could tell that in her prime, she would have been very pretty.
‘My dad left us when he found out about the tumour,’ Tommy said, his voice close. 'I tell most people he's dead.'
‘That’s terrible,’ I said, staring at him in disbelief.
‘He’s going to pay one day,’ Tommy muttered.
I didn't really know how to reply. I couldn't exactly say 'you go, Tommy! Kick his ass!' I mean, it was his dad. He did sound like a complete and utter asshole though.
I sighed.
‘Bradley knows about this already,' Tommy went on. I clenched my teeth at his name. 'He... he tried to help me get through it but then his own mom died,' Tommy muttered. 'And I just couldn't handle it. I just- I pushed him away when he needed me most.'
'Why?' I asked.
'I was selfish,' he shrugged. 'Like you. We're no different really.' I met his eyes. 'You push, I push... until everything’s gone and everyone’s gone.' He tore his eyes from mine and looked over at his mom. 'Everyone.'
'You're not wrong.'
'I think you should go,' he muttered. 'Visiting hours are nearly over.'
They weren't. Visiting hours were until six.
'Okay,' I whispered.
I turned and opened the door quietly but paused when he called my name.
'It's not too late you know,' he said. 'You can still do something about it.' I opened my mouth to reply but he interrupted me. 'We're okay, right?' he asked. 'You and me?'
I gave him a small smile.
'Never thought I'd say this to you of all people,' I said. 'But yeah. We're okay.'
With that, I left the room and closed the door quietly behind me without turning back
* * *
I collapsed on my bed for the millionth time this week and face-planted my pillow. I tried to make it sink in by repeating the words over and over again in my head. I’m not going to die. I’m not going to die. I’m not going to die. I’m not going to die.
It didn’t work. I was still in a state of disbelief. I’m not going to die... but Tommy’s mom is. I let out a low sigh.
I heard a knock on my door and I mumbled something along the lines of ‘come in’.
‘How are you, sweetie?’ my mom asked hesitantly.
‘Great,’ I said sarcastically.
‘You should be!’ she exclaimed. 'I mean... you’re fine! You’re not... dying, you’re fine!’
‘Physically,' I grumbled.
I suppose I was being ungrateful. But still, I think I needed to sleep on it and wake up with a fresh mind before I could think clearly. I was drained.
‘Who is it?’ she asked, sitting down on the end of my bed.
‘What?’ I asked.
‘Who is it?’ she repeated. ‘Who is making you feel like this? You've been a zombie since you've been back. I can barely get a word out of you.'
‘Me,’ I sighed. 'It's all me.'
‘Why, honey?'
‘I’m the worst person,’ I murmured, shaking my head.
She touched my back lightly and I closed my eyes.
‘What happened when you went away?’ she asked slowly. 'Did something bad happen?'
'No,' I whispered. 'It was... it was probably the best time of my life,' I admitted. 'I met so many great people but I can't see them ever again. I really screwed up.'
‘It can’t be that bad,’ she said.
‘It is.’
‘Then why don’t you go fix it?' she asked with a sigh.
‘Fix it?’ I repeated slowly.
'Everything is fixable,' she said. 'And especially now - you've got the rest of your life!' she laughed.
‘It's not that simple,' I muttered.
'It's all down to you,' she pointed out, getting up off the bed. 'You've been given a second chance. You choose what you do with it.'
She left before I could reply and I raised my head slightly. A frown crossed my face.
A second chance?