I was currently sitting in the front seat of my mom's tiny car while he and j where in the back . after I got checked out they were all acting as if im dying . its not that serious all I did was pass out from running so much . that just proves how much of a fat fuck I am . J hadn't told my "parents" about what happened which I was grateful for . I definitely didn't need them-well mom- having a heart attack .
We were on our way home and it was really quiet . I turned up the radio and that stupid selfie song came on . I cringed and quickly changed it only to find out it was playing on the other station too .
"oh my god im going to shoot myself" I groaned . mom gasped and I rolled my eyes at her looking out the window before answering "it's a joke calm yourself ." I don't know why she reacted like that I mean I said it before and its not like she cared .
When we got home I got out and looked at my "home" . I don't know why but I felt kind of sad . I mean .. I guess more disappointed . for some reason I was hoping I would come home to people running over asking if I was alright . handing me cards or something . hanging out and actually caring . but then I remembered I have no friends and im a freak .
I hung my head low making my way into the house I was supposed to call my home . I didn't even bother listening to my mom as she rambled about something I didn't care enough to even pay attention . i walked up to my room and laid on my bed staring up at my ceiling . I sighed heavily . I closed my eyes tightly bringing my knees and hugging them close to my chest . I rested my chin on my knees before opening my eyes .
Why couldn't I have friends ?
Because you're a freak
Why cant i just tell someone what was going on ?
Because you're a coward
Why does it have to be like this ..
Because no one likes you and your to much of a pussy to actually try and help yourself
I closed my eyes tighter feeling a tear silently roll down my cheek . I opened my eyes staring ahead at my closet . I sat up and sniffled whipping my eyes before standing up .
why was I doing this ?
maybe I should end it ?
no .. I cant .. maybe just one .. or two .
I slowly walked towards my closet knowing that I had hid my blades in my back of it . I stopped about 2 steps in front of it . I brought my hand up to open my closet door but withdrew it quickly . i tried so hard not to cut .. I hadn't cut since I got in the hospital which was like .. 2 days ago . I felt my heart beat increase . my hands shaking . my breathes basically coming out in pants . I ... I . should I ?
I slowly opened the door and walked in . I could practically hear my heart in my ears . I walked in slowly to the back and pulled out the small box that I hid in one of my old coats . I shakily opened it revealing my only true friends . i pressed my back to one of the walls and slid down until I was sitting . staring at the blades intently .
I picked one up looking at it for what felt like hours . I lifted up my sleeves to reveal both of my scar covered arms . I felt another tear slip as I stared at them . remembering my reason for every single one . i closed my eyes as the tears began escaping freely . without looking I quickly took the blade to my skin .
Once
Twice
Three times
Until I eventually lost count after about 50 .
I looked down and my arms were covered in blood . it didn't faze me though . I knew I wouldn't die . I clutched my arms to my chest crying harder trying to keep my sobs down . I hoped and prayed that he wouldn't come tonight . i bit my lip hard even the thought of him made me feel disgusted and filthy . I laid down still in the closet and pulled my knees to my chest . I took deep breathes trying to calm myself down a bit . after I stopped crying I just laid there .
You know when you cry a lot . cry for what seems like hours and you just feel exhausted and tired . and your face kind of hurts and your body aches from all the pain .. and then after you just kind of sit there emotionless .. with no emotion and no motivation to move . that's exactly how I was feeling .
Laying in my closet .
Bloody arms .
Broken .
Depressed .
And
Lonely .