I giggle. I actually giggle. We're drunk. There are bottle's all over the floor. All of which we shared. I don't know whose more muddled. Peeta. Or me. I've done this many times. This is Peeta's first, but he sure knows how to hold his alcohol. He hasn't even shown sings that he might throw up which actually makes me a bit mad. It tastes just as bad coming up as it does going down. Believe me. I'm laying on the couch my legs in Peeta's lap and we're laughing at something. I can't remember what was funny but we've been laughing for a good ten minutes. Every time we become silent we stare at each other and the giggle's ensue. I cover my face and try not to look at him but as we fall silent i peek through my fingers and he's sitting there smiling widely staring at me.
I let out another small laugh and set my feet on the ground. I pull my hair out of it's braid still smiling before looking us over. Our clothes are on us haphazardly. Peeta "loosened his tie" he stripped off his jacket and it was thrown on the floor in front of us. Mine is there too. We've kicked off our shoes and Peeta unbuttoned his shirt partly revealing muscles i always knew he had but hadn't seen myself. "What were we laughing at?" i ask looking at Peeta who's brows furrow in concentration.
"I.. I can't remember." this makes us laugh again. I'm leaning against him clutching his arm . "Alright ok. Thank's for this Peeta but i should.. I should definitely go home." i tell him standing.
"No!" Peeta groans pulling me back down onto him. I don't know if it's an accident or not. I squirm in his arms.
"Peeta! Let go!" i whine. He does and slide off of him and onto the couch with a laugh. "You shouldn't drink." i tell him. "You get all touchy feely and emotional." i tell him pushing the hair out of his eyes. It's almost an affectionate gesture and i don't know why I've done it because the expression on his face changes from one of glee to... I can't tell. Desire? But he doesn't like me.. Right?
Peeta licks his lips and his grip on my arm tightens. My breath catches in my throat. "Peeta." i say slowly. He doesn't want this. I think to myself as he begins to lean in. I want this but he can't want to kiss me. It's the alcohol. "Peeta." i say again as his face is suddenly inches from mine. His blue eyes stare into me. "You don't want to kiss me. You're drunk. It's the alcohol." i say squirming again. I'm leaning back but his grip on my arm is tight and if i lean back any farther my head will be on the armrest of the couch. That might be worse than straining my back by keeping it at a sharp angle. I'll have nowhere to go. Trapped, but maybe i want that.
"I'm drunk and I want you." he murmurs against my skin as he lightly kisses my jawline. I can't breathe. My stomach is in knots. I want to throw him off of me but at the same time i want him near. I'm afraid if he kisses me and i kiss back he'll reject me. He'll see sense. Then I'll collapse. I'll have to play it off and i don't think i can. "I'm drunk and i need you." he murmurs before kissing me roughly. I breathe in and return the kiss locking my hands behind his neck. Then he's hovering over me propping himself up with one hand while the other knots itself in my hair. I can taste the alcohol on his lips and I'm sure he can taste the same on mine. I pull him on top of me. I don't care if he crushes me. I need him near me.
Despite his build he isn't as heavy as i expected. Peeta mumbles something i don't understand. I don't break away to try and ask him though. If i do i might not be able to kiss him again. I'm pretty sure i whimper when his cold hand brushes against the bare skin of my stomach. I think my shirt got hiked up in the process. He runs his fingertips along the hem of my pants and they trail up my stomach. Suddenly he stops. He's off of me in a second breaking my hold on him and standing in front of the couch, his back toward me. I bite my lip feeling the slight tingle. I don't want to say anything. I don't know what i could say.
Slowly i stand, not making a single noise. I pull my shirt down and push my hair back. My stomach churns and i feel like throwing up. I should've just left. I shouldn't have let him kiss me. I stumble as i pick up my jacket. "You can sleep here tonight if you want.." Peeta says quietly. I almsot don't think i heard him right.
"What.. Why?" i ask confused trying to sound nonchalant about the whole thing. "My house is right there and.. Well you know.. I can walk.. It's nice out.. The moon.." i say tripping over every word. He's buttoning up his shirt and picking up his jacket.
"Come on." he says a bit harshly like i odn't have a chose. I do. I follow him. We head up the stairs and i drag my jacket over every step. What is he suggesting? Surely not what i think he is. He's just tiered. I'm tiered. He steps into his room and i stand in the door frame unsure of what to do. He pulls out two plain cotton shirts and pants that match. More matching. He undoes the buttons of his shirt again and strips it off dropping it unceremoniously on the floor before pulling on the loose shirt. I barely have time to stare at his muscular chest in the moonlight before it's covered. "You can change into these." he says as i toss my jacket aside and then proceed to pull of my shirt. "Whoa!" Peeta shouts covering his eyes with his arm and holding out the clothes in the other hand. I try not to laugh.
"It's alright." i say taking the t-shirt from him and pulling it on. "I don't mind." and it's true i don't. I've basically been naked in front of him before when i had to clean my wound in the river.
"I still.. It's not.." he stops and breathes out and doesn't say anything else as i push down my pants and take the one's he offering out of his hands.
"It's ok now." i say softly walking past him to look out the window. He still hasn't changed his pants yet. I don't know if he wants to do it in front of me or slip out of the room so i stare out into his backyard which is a replica of mine. A tree of some kind off in the corner ivy growing around the brick wall different colored flowers in the beds. The only thing that's different is the easle resting the grass with a half painted rosy sky. "Everything looks the same." i say when i feel that he his directly behind me.
"What do you mean?" he asks when i turn around. He's changed in the room but i try not to think about it.
"Here. In District 12. Everything looks the same. Everything feels the same, but it's not the same and i can't figure out why." i don't know if I'm making sense but Peeta seems to understand.
"Everything is the same. We're not." i try not to smile at his use of 'we'. We as in plural. Us. I don't think he meant it that way but i'll take it anyways. "I'll sleep downstairs." Peeta says as he turns toward the door.
"Wait." i say quickly catching his arm. He looks back at me blue eyes full of worry.
"I mean.. It's your house. I'm intruding. The bed's big enough for two and I.. Sleeping alone.. I hate it. Please." he hesitates then slowly he nods. I sigh and he walks around to the right side of the bed. I head toward the left and Peeta pulls back the silk covers. They smell like him. Paint and the forest. I bite my lip as i climb in. I rest my head on the pillows and sneak a glance at him. He has one arm behind his head and he's staring up at the ceiling with such intensity i think it might just fly off. "Night Peeta." i whisper. He doesn't reply. I turn around so that my back is to him feeling really stupid. This was a stupid idea. I should leave. I should go downstairs and just walk out the door. But my eyelids are heavy. I'll never make it out of this bed. One thing I've learned about sleeping in them is that you never want to leave. Just as i begin to drift off i hear Peeta shift next to me. He brushes the hair out of my face and kisses my temple softly.
"Goodnight Catora." he says. Then i fall into a dreamless sleep.
I wake up because the heat is suffocating. I groan a little at the light bouncing off the mirror and shooting into my eyes. Should've closed the curtains before jumping into bed. I think to myself. But my curtains are never open... Wait.. My eyes shoot open and now i feel the weight around my middle and something pressed up against my back. Actually it's a someone. Peeta. I squeeze my eyes shut trying to wake up from my dream. I don't. Peeta is still there. With his arm around me pressed up against my back. I try not to hyperventilate as memories from last night rush through my head. He kissed me. Pretty passionately too if i might add. But he jumped up. He got off of me. He stopped it. So why is cuddling up against me? Maybe he rolled over in his sleep. My brain whispers. It's the most likely explanation. I can find no other.
My eyes are still shut. I feel him move against me. His arm slips away the heat from his chest is gone. I think he's sitting up because a shadow falls over me. I wish so badly to look at the expression on his face. Is he confused? Does he remember last night? Have his feelings for me changed? But i don't open my eyes. I wait for him to leave the room. It's silent for a while. I know he's still sitting there. The bed dips down slightly by my back and i feel his fingertips lightly brush my hair out of my face. I've slowed down my breathing so as to appear asleep. I don't think he's buying it. Instead of calling me out like i expect him too he kisses the side of my face gently.
"Good morning Catora." he breathes out. I don't know if i should reply. Does he know I'm awake? He moves away from me and i hear his feet touch the ground and walk around the bed. He doesn't go out the door like i expect him too but stands in front of me. I know he does because the blinding light that pierces my eyelids dims. I think he crouches down in front of me. "I really hope you don't remember last night." he mummers. "I was drunk. We both were and i took advantage of you. I'm sorry." he places a hand on my cheek and strokes it with his thumb. Took advantage of me? I wanted him to kiss me. That's all I've ever wanted for a really long time. '"It would be best if you didn't remember. I really want us to be friends. I can't mess this up." he kisses my forehead and i think i might just start crying.
He remembers but doesn't want too. Am i really that unappealing to him? Does he really not like me that much? "I need you to get better. You can't just run around drinking til you die like Haymitch. We can't have another victor like him." Oh so he doesn't like me because i drink? I drink because he doesn't love me. I drink to forget that he doesn't love me. I drink to forget the games, and i drink to forget the pain the Games brought. He stands slowly. "I'm going to make breakfast." he's talking more of to himself than to me now. As soon as i hear the door close quietly i open my eyes and sit up slowly. If he doesn't want to remember i won't. I'll just forget. Like i try to forget everything else.