I feel awful! My co writer is just an amazing person who works SO HARD! She's hilarious, she's always been there for me, and she's a fantastic writer! PLEASE go show her some love and support! She's truly an amazing human being! Love you Kyleigh!
Closing my suitcase, I sat on the edge of the bed and stared off into space.
After battling with myself all night about whether I should go or not, I finally decided that maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea. However, with the packing done and my thoughts left to wander, I started thinking that maybe I wasn’t ready for this.
Going back wasn’t going to be easy.
Heck, nothing about this journey would be easy. I didn’t know if I could go back to the place that shattered my life. I didn’t know if I could handle the pain of seeing all the people I used to know; the same people that knew her; that knew what I had done to her.
I could feel that little knob of fear welling up inside the pit of my stomach. Could I face the people that loved her? Could I face those places that were so special to her...to us...to me?
I didn’t think I could do this. Just speaking on the phone, thinking about the past, broke me. I hadn’t felt this low in months.
At first, I wasn’t going to go.
When I brought up having to go somewhere to my boss, I guess I kind of hoped that he wouldn’t let me take off work so I could use that as my excuse for not going. It would have been a wonderful excuse except my boss granted me leave for a few days. He told me to take this time as vacation time.
I think my boss was happy to let me off for a few days. He knew my past was painful, but he didn’t know anything else about it.
He didn’t know about the death I was responsible for.
I could see it. The image flashed so quickly in my mind. I could see Adena, lying on the ground. I could remember my heart stopping when I saw her blood. I threw my head down, trying to push the image from my mind.
A new image took it’s place.
Adena’s eyes filled with tears as she took off and away from the prom. I saw myself standing there like a moron. I didn’t move. I didn’t run after her. I let her slip out of my hands; slip from this world.
Burying my head in my hands, I could feel the tears rushing to my eyes.
I remembered Adena’s body lying in my arms. She felt so lifeless; so dead. I could hear myself repeating ‘I love you’ over and over. I could feel her forehead against my lips as I kissed her goodbye. I remembered the paramedics telling me she was gone. I remembered having to be pulled away from her.
There was a slight pounding on the door, startling me. I glanced up, finding Victoria standing there.
“Grady has to go to work soon.” She smiled, warning me my time was up.
“I’ll be out in a minute.” I nodded, glancing at my bag one last time. I felt like backing out. The flashback was enough to rattle me.
“Are you alright?” She questioned in a soft whisper. My head fell down, I couldn’t seem to find the answer to that question. “You can do this, Dylan. I believe you can.”
“Thanks...” Victoria opened her mouth, as if to give me her words of wisdom. Instead, she just closed her mouth. Looking at me intently one last time, she turned around and left the room
I sighed, knowing it was time. Grabbing my bag, I glanced one last time around my room before heading out the door. Victoria met me in the living room.
“I’m going to miss you, Dylan.” She walked over and gave me a hug. I forced a smile as I dropped my bag onto the ground and hugged her. I couldn’t choose an emotion in this moment, I was experiencing so many.
I was angry. Angry that I had to go face my past.
I was sad. Sad that I had to deepen the wound that was on its way to healing.
I was also happy. I hadn’t felt this kind of affection from another person in so long, it was nice to feel it again.
Pulling away from the hug, I could see her eyes glistening with tears. Not being able to see her in pain, I snatched my bag from the ground.
"Are you ready for this?" She questioned, following me towards the front door. Stopping before I reached the door, I turned to face her. I had asked myself this question many times.
"I… I don’t know." I sighed, finding it nearly impossible to look at her. I had been fighting so many things in my life since she died and now, I was on my way to confront them. I knew I couldn’t do it. So why was I trying?
I didn’t know.
Grady opened the front door, eyeing both Victoria and I.
“Ready?” He questioned. I didn’t answer him. After all, how could you answer a question you couldn’t? The truth is I wasn’t ready.
Pushing past Grady, I made my way down the apartment steps. He followed behind me slowly, keeping his distance. As I got to my blue pickup truck, which sat directly outside the apartment complex, I found myself stopping in my tracks.
“What’s wrong?” Grady questioned. Ignoring my sudden pause, I threw my suitcase into the backseat of the truck. "Dylan... Come on, dude, talk to me."
"About what?" I questioned, shutting my car door.
"Come on. I've known you for years... And this isn't an easy thing to go through... are you going to be okay?"
"Yeah... I'll be fine," I lied.
"Why are you going a week early than?" Grady wondered.
"I uh..." I had to think quick of an excuse. "I wanted to check some stuff out," I finished lamely, hoping he wouldn't push it.
"Like?" Grady said. As soon as he did, he raised an eyebrow and I knew he was suspicious of me.
"Umm..."
"Or did you decide to go early because you want to sit in your room, sulk, and drink because I wouldn't be there to stop you?"
"Grady! Why do you always go right to that?"
"Dylan, I'm not trying to start a fight. I just don't want you to do something stupid."
"And why would you think I would do something stupid? I do know how to take care of myself!" My anxiety started turning into anger; anger that was directed at Grady.
"Dylan, calm down."
"Don't tell me to calm down! Unlike you, getting over Adena was as easy as finding myself a new girlfriend! I'm still attempting to heal and this, right now, isn't something easy to do!" A flash of hurt crossed Grady's face. He swallowed a few times.
"Dylan...I..." he stopped. Grady and I paused and I realized I was taking out everything on him. He didn't deserve this. He was the one person I had left.
"I'm sorry..."
"It's..." Grady couldn't find the words to forgive me. But I didn't blame him.
"I better go before I manage to make things worse..."
"Good luck. Sorry I can't come with... It's just with work and all." Grady rubbed his neck. I now could see, he wasn't ready to do this either.
"I understand." Grady looked at me with an odd emotion in his eyes. It was, as if, he knew exactly what I meant. I was telling him that it was okay to not to be ready to go.
Because that was the same boat I was in. But in my case, I didn't really have a choice.
I needed to go back. I hadn't told anyone, in fact I hadn’t completely accepted this myself, but Adena was slowly slipping further away. She was a memory that was fading into the background.
I was terrified to lose her.
Giving Grady a quick hug goodbye, I jumped into my truck and turned it on. Looking to Grady, who was standing nervously to the side, I said:
"I'm not ready for this either." With that I pulled onto the road and headed towards the one place I never thought I would go to again.
My old home was eight hours away from where I was currently. I had managed to go nearly an hour without thinking about Adena. But, of course, she slowly crept into my thoughts.
I tried to remember everything I could about her. Her smile, the way her nose crinkled when she laughed. Her cute little frown.
I shook my head and turned my attention back to the road. I knew if my thoughts strayed to far, I could cause an accident. I was fine for about an hour and half until Adena yet again became all I could focus on.
I couldn’t stop thinking about how easy it was for me to talk and open up to her. She always listened to me and I felt as though she truly cared, unlike the other people in my life. She was the one who helped me deal with my family problems, well, at least part of them. She understood me like no one else and I felt like dirt.
No.
Worse than dirt for abandoning her. I could only imagine how she must have felt having someone else in her life disappoint her and leave her. I shook my head. I was getting into an area that I didn’t want to be in.
I focused on the signs passing by to try to keep my mind occupied. It worked because soon enough, I spotted an all too familiar white sign, indicating I was coming up to the town. Just reading the towns name sent chills down my spine and all I could see was her.
Adena was smiling, laughing about something. This memory was fuzzy.
Then, out of nowhere, the memory changed. I could see her, eyes filled with tears, running away from me. Shaking my head, I tried to focus on the road. I couldn’t stop more memories from taking over. I could see Adena lying on her floor. My eyes started to water as I could feel her body in my arms. I could feel her blood on me as I screamed for help.
The memory played like a movie. I couldn’t shut it off, no matter how hard I tried.
Without knowing it, I swerved into the other line. A large semi truck honked, which seemed to pull me from my thoughts. Grabbing the wheel, I jammed it to my right. The car shot across my lane and into the grass. Slamming on the brakes, I stopped right in front of the sign.
I dug my fingers into the wheel as breathed heavily.
I was frozen in fear.
That memory had been so real, so vivid, I felt like I was reliving that horrible day all over again. I felt disgusting. Anger boiled in my veins as I realized it was a mistake to come here.
Having no other outlet, I found myself screaming in pure rage. Slamming my fist into the steering wheel many times before I let myself break down. Burying my face in my hands, I sobbed.
I missed her.