"And this time baby,
Yeah I think that i'll be just fine
And I wish I could say the same for you,
yeah, I do"
CHAPTER NINETEEN
I didn't think getting hammered was the best thing to do two days post-concussion, but now or never right.
I also didn't think drinking on a Wednesday night when I had school the next day was the best thing either but, when life gives you Mike's Hard Lemonade, you drink it.
Remember that.
"The legend has arrived! Everyone clear a path." Archer exaggerated as I walked through the door of the party, immediately grabbing everyone's attention.
Oh, great.
I laughed shoving him, making him stick his hands up defensively.
"Personally I think these people should bow down to you. I mean still running after two girls with blood running down your face and a mild concussion. You're the definition of determination."
I laughed again getting ready to reply, when Imogen cut me off.
"Speaking of." She grunted, making me follow her gaze.
Sadly, it landed on Taylor and Britney, squished in a dude sandwich as they danced.
Gross.
"Oktober, I don't think you should." Chase spoke up, grabbing my wrist as I tried to go after her.
"Better to do it here than to get expelled at school. Let me go Chase." I bit.
"Agreed." Imogen muttered, making Chase slowly let go of me.
She followed me as I walked over to the barbie's, pulling them both by their fake hair outside.
The party followed us, but I didn't care. I was in a criminal state of mind.
Blame it on the concussion.
"Not so tough now are you, Tay?" I grinned, my eyes narrowing into slits. "Perhaps you should get a third person so you can jump me again."
Britney tried to get to me but Imogen stepped in front of her, waving her finger in her face.
"I don't think so bitch."
Taylor looked around at the crowd then back to me, putting her game face on.
"You'd think after you got your ass beat once you'd learn your lesson." She smirked, making me clench my fist.
"Clearly I haven't, but you would know right?" provoked, making her huff. "Oh what is it Tay? Do you need your friends to help you again?"
She lunged for me and I ducked, landing a hard blow to her face as I came back up, making the crowd gasp.
I didn't wait for her to swing again feeling no mercy at all, giving her another hard hit. She almost fell on the ground but I caught her by her shoulders, jabbing my knee into her ribs as hard as I could, making her crumble on the ground.
"Bitch!" Britney yelled, and I nodded towards Imogen.
Imogen let her go, shoving her towards me. I wasted no time in right hooking her, making her stumble back. I returned another blow to her face, making sure to bust her lip as she did mine, grabbing her wrist and pulling it painfully behind her back. I knee'd her on her spine in the same place as last time, making her cry out as I shoved her to the ground, right next to her sidekick.
I went to do some more damage when someone's arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me behind them.
I swore to myself that if it was Axel, I was going to beat the living shit out of him too, but I looked up to find Chase instead.
"Let me go Chase." I spat, shoving his arms off of me.
"Enough O." Chase ordered, a stern look on his face as he blocked me. "Look at them, they're bleeding."
I glanced at the two girls crying pathetically on the ground, indeed bleeding, still managing to not feel fully satisfied.
"Yeah well I got a fucking concussion." I bit, glaring at Chase.
I saw Axel standing in the middle of Archer and Dean, who clearly all witnessed me beating some plastic ass.
Axel's ocean eyes watched me intently, his face expressionless and cold, just like his old self. I didn't like that version of him.
He was mean, harsh, unemotional.
That version of him didn't care, but I liked the one that did, and just like everything else, I had to ruin it. I chose to believe it was for the best, what "fate" had aligned for me. Axel was capable of making me do stupid things, say stupid things, feel stupid things.
Like Archer said, he scared me.
I couldn't control him, I couldn't read him, he was unpredictable, and I didn't like unpredictable. So that's why I had to look away from his gorgeous eyes, before I would do something I'd regret, turning around and walking away from the party.
Walking away from him.
***
"So, Chase's parents are out of town and he's throwing a party tonight." Imogen sang, walking by my side as we entered the school.
"On a Thursday?" I questioned oddly, opening my locker.
"You know why he can't throw it tomorrow, O." She sighed, making me glare at her.
"And if he knows me at all, he'd know a party would-"
"Be the last thing you'd want to go to tomorrow. I know. You don't need to act like it's just going to be another day, O." Imogen cut me off, giving me that frown that says 'You know I'm right so stop arguing'.
"It is going to be just another day." I dismissed, shutting my locker. "A party would be ideal."
Imogen sighed, not approving my answer, waving goodbye as she dropped me off at my first period class.
Major gossip was going around about both of the fights I had been in within the span of a week. Guys I didn't even know high fived me and told me good job for giving the bitch a reality check, while some girls called me their 'hero'. Others looked at me in disgust, ready to pounce because I attacked their 'queen'.
It made me sick, all of it, like I was stuck in some TV that wouldn't stop replaying some sappy, disgusting,
cliche teenage movie.
As expected, Axel wasn't in history class. In fact, I did not cross paths with him all day, which meant I was going to sooner or later.
"Floyd Mayweather, everyone." Dean announced as I walked over to the lunch table, actually making me crack a grin.
"Better shut it before I beat your ass too." I teased, making him smirk.
"I'm shaking."
"Bet you are."
We both laughed as I sat down in my usual seat next to Imogen, staring at the empty one across from me.
He never showed all of lunch and I felt fooled to hold him to it, despite knowing I shouldn't care.
Without him around me, I felt strong, empowered. With him around me I felt weak, vulnerable, and all around off, forming the conclusion that distance between us was good.
I left lunch, walking by myself to last period, despite Imogen's protests. I assumed she didn't trust that Barbie and The Plastics were done with me officially but, one on one, two on one, five on one, I could handle it.
They simply got away the first time was because one of them thought it would be a good idea to bash my head on the wall, and I was damn sure I handled that well, their bruised, busted, and swollen faces proving my point.
I entered chemistry to find our lab table empty, no sign of Axel. For the whole class he didn't show and I realized I had been waiting for him to, but he never did.
I was hurting myself, truly, holding some sort of power to Axel, lying to myself that I didn't need him or want him around me.
I was hurting myself, and he was letting me.
***
When Imogen said Chase was throwing a party, she wasn't lying.
The house was packed, cars filling up both sides of the street, undoubtedly pissing off the neighbors.
I decided to give myself a get out of jail free pass, considering at the last party I didn't get to do much partying. My hands were partying though, dancing on Taylor and Britney's faces, so my hands were therefore retired for the night.
Unfortunately but expectedly, the night was over as fast as it started, my eyes landing on Axel surrounded by a bunch of his groupies, his attractive smirk on his lips, making the girls sigh in awe.
I felt heartbroken by the sight. Not because I was jealous, not because I wanted him all to myself, not because it should be me and not them, but because he was just like every other douchebag guy. It hurt that I thought he was different, better than that. The longer and longer our hatred continued, the longer he proved to me that I had been right all along, that I was always right.
His eyes landed on mine before looking away, as if I was invisible.
My anger subsided and was replaced by a feeling that hurt, a gaping whole in my chest.
I grabbed the nearest bottle of liquor before walking away from the party.
Turned out the only place that was vacant was the roof and me knowing Chase practically all our lives, I knew how to get up there. Now a roof plus me plus alcohol was not the best equation, but then again I was bad at math and knew I just wanted to be drunk, void of all my thoughts.
I didn't know how long it had been since I had gotten out there, but it was long enough for me to start shivering, making me pull my jacket tighter around me, though it did nothing.
Alcohol was supposed to make you feel warmer but I assumed my heart was too cold to allow me to feel warmth.
The bitterness I had wasn't the life I wanted, it wasn't what I planned for. Things can happen so fast, in an instant, that changes your world completely, forever. That was what happened to me and I turned out broken.
Damaged.
Wrecked.
Unwanted.
The sound of footsteps on the roof snapped me out of my rare self pitying moment, making me look up from my boots.
"It's freezing O, what're you doing up here?" Axel spoke, making me clench my eyes shut.
Stop. Showing. Up.
"Please, go away Axel."
My voice was weak, making me sound weak, but it was because of him.
He made me weak.
"Oktober what is this? What's the point?" Axel sighed angrily, grabbing my hands.
"We had a good thing going." I admitted, pulling my hands away as I looked out over the sky. "I enjoyed it while is lasted, truly. But then I noticed that you would ruin it and I would always be the one running back to you to fix it. That's not me, that's not who I am."
"What are you talking about?" Axel's eyebrows furrowed as he looked at me.
It was nice to see him actually notice me.
"You, Axel. You don't mean anything you say to me." I laughed to avoid the pain. "You treat me like shit then like I'm your most favorite person in the world. You constantly get with countless girls then get angry at me when I talk to your friends. You say you care about me and then show me the exact opposite like I'm just another one of your admirers, like I'm nothing."
"Because you keep pushing me away Oktober!" Axel exclaimed, looking down at me with wild eyes. "You push me away like that's all you know how to do!"
"We will never work Axel!" I laughed bitterly. "You will ruin it or I will, it's inevitable. I'm damaged goods, can't you see that?"
"Damaged goods or not Oktober, I don't care! Why can't you see that? Why can't you let me care?"
"Because I don't want you to care!" I yelled, pushing him away from me. "You hurt me Axel! More than I let anyone! You make me weak because you made me want all of this! You made me want you to care! But all you do is hurt me, so please, just stay away from me."
My eyes filled with tears as I stared into his emotion filled ones, almost thinking he felt what I felt. But I knew better because of him, I knew nothing was real for him.
He was a bad boy, incapable of emotion, incapable of settling for one damaged girl instead of the countless others throwing themselves at him, so who could blame him?
I refused to watch him walk away like all the times before. I knew I couldn't handle it.
So I walked away from him, praying that it would be the last time.
***