Happy Reading! -DJ
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"Hey mom" my voice wavered. I paused gathering my strength before continuing. "I didn't hear you call."
"Obviously, what's the point in having a phone if you don't answer it when someone calls." I could just see the frown on her face.
"I'm sorry, I was with Ryan." I said, tracing patterns on the table with my finger. I knew mentioning Ryan would cause her to relax a little bit. If there was one person who liked Ryan more than I did, it was my mother. He's the only boyfriend she's every approved of, hell only friend she's approved of. Growing up I remember she used to always convince me to date him, but I wasn't attracted to him then. It wasn't until our senior year of high school that I finally decided ok, let's give him a chance.
"That's actually why I'm calling." I stilled, why would she be calling to talk about him? "Why is he calling to tell me about a video about you dancing like a common whore?" My heart stopped. "I raised you better than that Elizabeth! You left for college and all of a sudden you changed your name to "Mila," moved in with two guys, and what know you're shaking your ass on camera like that fansonly or whatever it's called? You should be ashamed!" She sneered. I shrank in my chair.
"Mom it was just a funny vide-"
"I do not care! Do you know what this could DO to my reputation at the club?! No of course not, because that means you would have to think about other people besides yourself. Which you don't you've only ever thought of yourself, you rude spoiled brat." She spat out. I choked back the tears, clamping my teeth together hard enough that I idly worried about one of them cracking. "Let alone what it could do to RYAN'S reputation! He's trying to get a promotion, and has a real job, unlike that sorry excuse for a place you work for." She snorted. I could hear papers on the other side of the phone being ruffled. "People here know you're together, they can just as easily search for it. I swear if you had half a brain, you would have known better! Putting something like that on the internet, you are stupid."
"Mom-" I tried to say but she continued to speak over me. I closed my eyes, a few tears spilled out and tracked down my face. I just left them there not bothering to wipe them away. Humilation spiraled in my stomach, and my ribs started closing in. It felt hard to breathe.
"Let alone that you have gotten fat." She scoffed, "yes, I saw the video." The ice in her tone could've frozen over hell. "I swear you are such a disgrace as a daughter. If your father were here today, what would he think?!" I heard the sound of a heavy object being dropped, "Take that video down now! And if I get another call about your behavior, I will not be happy. Do you hear me, Elizabeth?!" Her voice thick with hatred, hanging up the phone before I could respond.
I just stayed sitting in the chair, dropping my phone to the table while I tried to process. Tried not to break even while my own heart was breaking. My lungs burned, the weight of my anxiety making it hard to breathe. To think past the mounting panic. I knew in the back of my head somewhere that I was having a panic attack, but I couldn't remember what to do. I felt like I was grasping at straws as my hands fluttered uselessly.
"Hey! Hey!" Paige dropped into my vision then, her face a mask of worry. "Look at me, focus on me." She gripped my hands tight to her. She started breathing, exaggerating breathing in and out blowing the air in my face. I zeroed in on her, trying to match my breathing to hers. I fought through the rising panic trying like hell to match her. I shuddered out a breath, my heart slowing its frantic pace. "There you go," she said, nodding in encouragement. "Breathe." She continued to breathe with me, until my heart was no longer hammering, and the dull roaring had lifted from my ears. She stood up from the crouch she'd been in. Her purse, keys, and phone on the ground where'd she dropped them on the way to me. I wanted to feel embarrassed, but the fatigue rushed over me. She grabbed me a glass of water, coming to sit down in the chair next to me.
"Let me guess, your mom called."
I nodded. Paige knew that the only one who could make me panic like that was my mother. I dropped my head back on my shoulders, "Ryan," I croaked out, "he told, and I think sent her that video of me dancing." I closed my eyes. Her words were constant in my head, they tore more down. No matter how many times I thought I'd moved on or became strong enough to not let her hurt me, she proves me wrong. Paige winced, having a general idea of what could've been said.
"God... after all these years she still gets to me." I laughed, the sound hollow.
"I'm guessing from the roses; you didn't end things?" She probed.
I looked over at the roses, forgetting that he'd been over here honestly. The roses looked black from this angle, I thought idly. "We talked, I told him to change how he'd been acting or else we'd be through." I shrugged, wrapping my fingers around my wrist. I can't believe he'd gotten so mad, the way his face had screwed up in anger when I'd barely mentioned it. The fact that he'd tattled to my mom seemed worse somehow... I felt betrayed.
"I can't believe he'd told your mom," Paige said. "That's not even a dick move, that's just the lowest" She stuttered, having no words. "He knows how your mom would've reacted, and what she does to you."
"He gets along with her; he probably didn't think." I muttered. My mind still elsewhere. Selfish brat, stupid, whore... it all collided together in my head. Clouding out any other thoughts.
"Still... who calls someone's mom like we're in fucking grade school." She snapped. She looked over at me then, and her eyes dropped to my shirt. "Your buttons are undone,"
I looked down noticing that several of the buttons on my shirt were still open. "Oh." I remembered then what had happened on the couch, what he'd done, and I snorted a laugh. Her eyebrows went up when she saw the amusement on my face.
"What? What happened?"
I laughed then, "you're going to die."
"Oh my god, please tell me!" The conversation about my mom momentarily forgotten.
"We were on the couch and things were getting heated,"
"I have to burn the couch now thanks for that." She said dryly.
"Anywayssss, we weren't even able to do anything because he," I stopped to laugh. Mortification coloring my cheeks. "well, he went... before clothes came off." I snickered.
Paige sat with a blank face before absolutely losing it. "BULLSHIT," She guffawed. Her raucous laughter bounced around the house. She cried wiping tears from her eyes, "oh shit, my stomach, oh it hurts." She still laughed clutching her stomach now. "I'm sorry," she sniffed, wiping her eyes again. "Fuck," she wheezed.
I laughed along with her, not quiet as animated. I was purely frustrated earlier, but now I could see the humor in it. I couldn't believe that had happened.
"That has never happened to me in the history of. ever." She said winding down finally, still a few laughs escaping. "And you're gonna marry this man?"
"I mean sex isn't always bad," I shrugged.
"Nah, sorry sex and the word bad should never go together."
"You've never had bad sex?" I raised an eyebrow, vividly remembering a time where I had to pick her up from this guy's house who'd asked her to meow. That's some people's cup of tea wasn't hers,or mine, for that matter.
"Alright smartass, yes I've had bad sex. But I wouldn't STAY with someone who's continually bad at it."
"So..." I chewed my lip. I'd had one other partner before Ryan, but no one else to compare him to. "Sex is always amazing? Or should it be always amazing? You've never been left like... that's it?"
She leaned back in her chair, propping her feet in the one across from her. "Well, no, it isn't like in the books ya know, you don't always see stars or gravity doesn't shift, but it's still decent, makes your toes curl, but you should at least always get off when you have sex." She finished her thought, choosing her words carefully. "One or two times is normal, that you don't go, but more often than that and... it's just plain they suck." She shrugged.
I nodded my head, digesting what she'd said. I never thought it would be this big issue for me, but as it's becoming more common place that I'm going without, or not being satisfied, it's becoming where I'm frustrated. In turn... I feel like it's something I'm doing wrong. It makes me feel self-conscious like I'm bad at it. I didn't think I was bad at it, or that I was unattractive. I was short, and curvy. I had wide hips, and thick thighs that no amount of cardio could slim. Fat stupid whore. Was I those things?
Sometime while sitting with my thoughts Paige had gotten up, telling me she was going to go change. I grabbed my phone, going to my instagram. My finger hovered over the delete button, but I remained still. I watched it play over and over, noticed how happy I looked in this moment. Carefree.
No.
No. I was not those things. I closed out the app before I could talk myself out of it. It'd been up for a while, whoever was going to see it would've seen it by now, and actually as I stood up from my chair. I felt the weight ease off my shoulders a bit.
____
"Are you expecting company?" Paige stuck her head outside shouting at me, I lifted my head from where I was lounging on the pool float.
I thought for a second, "FUCK!" I shouted moving to quick, and tossing myself off into the water. "Ryan was coming to pick me up for a date! FUCK!" I shouted again scrambling out of the water.
"Oops," she said laughing. "Guess you gotta stay here now."
I shot a flat look at her, rolling my eyes as I hurried and wrapped my towel around me.
"Whatt?" She said exaggerated, "remember we're mad at him anyways. He tattled to mommy," She sniffed.
I had blissfully ignored that fact for a while before she brought it back to the forefront to my brain. I had ignored my phone for the past 4 hours instead hopping in the pool with Paige and drinking frozen daiquiris.
"Can you go let him in while I get changed?" I asked running into my room, "please!" I threw over my shoulder.
"Fine, but I'm not going to stand here with him." She huffed.
I ran into my room, throwing clothes out from my bag, trying to find something somewhat decent to put on. I wrapped my hair in the towel hoping I would get lucky, and it would look like the beachy waves.
I heard voices come from behind the closed door, but I tuned them out trying to get together quickly. I put my leg through the foot hole of a romper, but I looked down, and my towel came out of my hair and knocked me off balance. I fell onto my butt, hitting the floor hard. "Shit!" I hissed under my breath. I got my legs through the romper and pulled it up, tying my towel back onto my head when I heard the yelling start. Fuck.
I raced out of the room seeing Paige square up in front of Ryan, "oh yea, well why are you such a little BITCH and told her MOM about a video? Couldn't handle her happy without you so you had to ruin it for her?! You dickwad!" She spat. Her eyebrows were drawn, and her mouth was pressed together tightly, as if she had more to say but she kept it in as her eyes met mine.
"The video," he hissed. "Shouldn't have been posted! If she'd not been drinking, she wouldn't have posted it, but you are SUCH a bad influence that she does whatever you say to do."
"Wow, excuse me." I brought a hand up, stepping into the room. "You make it sound like I can't think for myself?"
"Mila, baby" he turned towards me then. "Why aren't you ready?"
"Because I-"
"I made a reservation for us, we really can't be late."
"I got in the pool, and I forgot. I'm sorry."
"We won't make it now," he gritted his teeth. "I was trying to surprise you and make up for yesterday. Guess that won't be happening now."
"Don't speak to her like that, if you would get your head out of your ass then you wouldn't need to be attempting a backup date."
His expression darkened, "Paige I know your own pathetic excuse for a life is boring but why don't you keep your nose out of mine,"
Paige sucked in an enraged gasp getting ready to fire more insults, but I stepped in before she could. "Hey, fuck you don't speak to her like that." I sparked with anger, it was one thing for him to be an ass to me, but Paige was off limits.
"I can't wait till she wakes up and realizes what a pathetic excuse of a man you are." She pointed a finger towards him.
"I'M pathetic?" He snarled
"yupp," she popped the 'P', her smile widened. I sudden sense of panic rose in my chest, but I couldn't stop her before she said the words that would surely end my relationship. "I mean, what kind of a man leaves his fiancé high and dry like that?" She arched an eyebrow.
Shit.
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