Skylar couldn't decide to slam the door on Mack, or to end the years of silence by screaming loud enough that Blair could hear her two blocks away. And in the midst of her indecision, Mack opened his mouth, struggling to find the words now that he was face to face with the sister that had been ignoring him for four years. With the sister who loved the girl that he killed.
"Skylar, I just want to talk to you. Please let me talk to you. I need to apologize-explain-"
"There's nothing to explain," said Skylar. "And I don't accept your apology."
She couldn't help it. She melted at the sound of Mack's voice. He was her baby brother; her partner in crime; her best friend. He was. That was the key word. Past tense.
And yet, despite everything, she wanted to open the door wide, pull him into her arms, and feel the world settle. Feel every piece of her shift back into place after the earthquake that destroyed her. And then she wanted to pull Jude inside by her hands, and never let go of them.
But it wasn't that easy. Because doing so wouldn't make the world go back to normal. Logan was gone, and nothing she did, or Mack did, or Jude did, could ever bring her back. They could never fix it.
"Skylar, please. Five minutes. It could change everything."
"You changed everything. I'd be living here with Logan, happy, if it weren't for you."
And that wasn't true. Because Skylar was living here, happy. What if Logan had survived-what if the accident had never happened-and they had broken up anyway? What if Skylar was happy without Logan, because they were never meant to be?
She shook her head, frustrated with herself. She had to stand her ground. These were the things she believed; the things she held closest to her heart.
I love Logan. I hate Mack. I can't ever forgive the man who took Logan away from me. If he hadn't done that, my life would've been perfect. Logan and I would've been perfect.
And nothing was going to change any of it.
"Skylar." Jude was soaked from head to toe. Her blue jeans, her grey sweatshirt, her curly hair. All of it soaked. Skylar wanted to invite her in, to warm her up. She couldn't. Jude walked closer, up the driveway, up the pathway, and onto the porch. Mack moved aside, letting Jude stand directly in front of Skylar. "Just let him talk. You've never done it before; what if you're missing out on something huge? He's your brother. It's been four years." Desperately, Jude added, "Please, Skylar. If he ever meant anything to you. If Logan ever meant anything to you, let him talk. She'd want you to forgive him; she'd want you to move on."
"You don't know Logan," Skylar said. Cold.
Jude crossed her arms over her chest, trying her best not to show how much she was shivering-from both the pouring rain, and the nerves.
"But I know that if you loved her, she was a good person. She had a good heart. And a good person with a good heart wouldn't want you to waste so many years of your life ignoring the only family member you have left because you think that's what she wants. That's not justice, Skylar. Maybe Logan doesn't get justice. But you should."
Skylar stared. Again, she felt like everything was frozen. Jude. Herself. Time.
Jude had a point. Why did Skylar have to suffer for so long? Logan already suffered enough. The world didn't need another person to hurt. Skylar didn't need to continue to hurt themselves.
But it was so hard. It would be going against everything she believed. It would be changing everything, like Mack said.
But change was good. Skylar changed when she left the bar and started working at the cafe-a move that distanced herself from Logan's memory-and that had felt good. That had made her happier. And didn't she deserve happiness, after so many years of suffering, of ignoring the person she used to love, and drowning herself in the dark?
Yes, she decided. She did deserve it.
"I'm not saying I'm going to forgive you, Mack." Skylar glanced at Jude nervously, and saw the girl nodding in support. She felt a little more at ease with her at Mack's side. "But fine. I'll hear you out."
And as she pushed the door open wider, she pushed her heart open a little wider, too.
Mack was different. Skylar could see it in the way he walked: his shoulders slouched, where they used to be held high, and full of pride. His feet didn't lift completely off the floor, and with every step, he dragged his heels along the hardwood, like his body was too heavy for him to lift. The last time she had seen her brother, he was athletic, working towards a hockey scholarship. Now, he was nearly as thin as a sheet of paper. His arms were limp at his sides, and she knew if it wasn't for his loose fitting t-shirt-which was tattered, and ripped along the seams-Skylar knew she'd be able to count his ribs.
Clearly, she wasn't the only one who had suffered greatly these past four years.
But he deserved this. Or did he?
He's my baby brother, Skylar reminded herself. I'm supposed to be protecting him.
While Mack lowered himself tentatively into one of the wooden kitchen chairs, Jude sank into one as if it belonged to her. Skylar wondered how she could remain so confident in a situation like this, and envied her lack of anxiety. Jude walked through the hallways of her house like she owned the building, and Skylar had to remind herself that the girl had never even been here before.
"I'd rather not waste any time." Skylar was shocked to find her voice shaking. Even her body felt unsteady. Before she could collapse, or worse, before Mack and Jude could notice her entire body shivering, she settled into the chair beside Jude. She was glad she was here. Still mad at her, but glad that she accompanied Mack so she didn't have to face him alone.
But still a long way from forgiveness. For both of them.
"So if we're going to sit in silence," Skylar continued, her tone rigid, "you can both leave."
"I'm sorry," said Mack. "That's what I want to say to you. I'm sorry, Skylar."
Skylar stared at him, unmoved.
He shifted, and Skylar noticed a tremor: his torso twitching as he moved his elbows on the table, leaning closer to Skylar and Jude.
"There is not a day in my life that goes by without regret. You have to understand, if I had the power to go back and change it, to not do the stupidest, most reckless thing I've ever done, I would. I'd put Logan in my place. I'd die if it meant bringing her back for you." Mack's eyes, so unlike Skylar's, stared directly into hers, not blinking. Widening. His tone was powerful, yet his volume remained level. He was trying to convey as much energy as possible to make Skylar believe his words were true.
And she did believe him. So she let him continue.
"It is the worst thing I have ever done. I knew it was wrong. The night it happened, I knew I shouldn't have been driving. But when you're drunk, you can't think properly. If someone had been there with me to stop me, it would've been alright. But that's not the point. The point is, I didn't stop myself. It is one hundred percent my fault that Logan died. I know I can't bring her back, and I'll never be able to make it up to you." Mack turned, glancing out the window of Skylar's kitchen. The sky was pitch black now, and rain continued to beat against the back of the house. A muscle in his jaw twitched. "But I'm sorry. That's all I have, and I'm giving it to you. I want you back in my life, Skylar. I know it's never going to be like it was before, but can't we at least try?" Mack paused, ran his tongue over his lips. He still had that nervous habit. Turning, he looked directly at Jude, then at Skylar, and said, "I am begging you to try."
Skylar heard him. She heard the desperation, the loneliness, the aching and the pain. Four years of hurt, resting heavily upon weak shoulders. She heard it all, and saw it in the single tear that left his green eyes.
Jude's presence was weighty beside her. Suddenly, Skylar didn't feel safe. She felt like the walls were closing in on her. Gasping for air, she counted the number of times her chest rose and fell, growing faster with every breath. One, two, three, four, five, six...
If either Mack or Jude noticed her onslaught of panic, neither said anything.
She wanted to forgive him. She believed everything he said. Forgiveness was sitting there, in the centre of the table, waiting for her to reach out and take it. But she couldn't. And she wanted to forgive Jude. She wanted to be with Jude. But everything was so messy, and if she forgave her it would only become messier, and she didn't think her mind, nor her heart, could take another hurricane right now. She was devoid of energy. At least, energy to give to other people.
So instead of saying I forgive you, I love you, please stay in my life from now on, she said: "Get out."
And only added to the hurt collapsing on Mack, burying him in the blood of others from the wounds he inflicted. This was all his fault.
She heard herself saying the words she didn't want to say.
"Get out. I didn't want you to come-can't you tell by me constantly declining your phone calls? I've made a huge effort not to talk to you, Mack. Don't you understand why?" Skylar crossed her arms over her chest. Unable to control her anger. Letting the hurricane run wild, obstructing everyone in its path. "Because you killed my girlfriend. And amongst that, you get to live your life. You get to live freely, because you weren't found guilty in your trial, even though everyone-especially you-knows you killed Logan.
"And you," said Skylar, turning to face Jude. She seemed to shrink in size, allowing herself to be swallowed by Skylar's harsh glare, harsh tone, harsh words. "I've done the same to you. I'm ignoring you for a reason, Jude. So can you stop fucking calling me? I'm so sick of both of you. You're putting so much weight on me, asking me to forgive the senseless things you both did. You're criminals. How can you expect me to forgive you?" Skylar stopped, licked her lips-a family habit, apparently-and took a deep breath. The walls were so close to caving in on her. "I told you before. And I'll tell you again. I hate you, Jude. Okay? I hate you. So please, don't come here again. Stop calling me. I don't want either of you in my fucked up life."
Silence.
And then, "I take full responsibility for that."
Skylar raised her eyebrows at Mack. "What?"
"I take full responsibility for your life. For it being fucked up, as you said."
He was breaking. Skylar was breaking him. Over and over again. And yet she heard herself say, "I wasn't asking you to take responsibility. I'm asking you to leave me alone, so I can deal with what you did to me in peace. Is that too much to ask?"
Mack swallowed. He glanced at Jude, who nodded her head towards the door. Jude, small, but tough. Jude, always pretending to be strong. Jude, hearing the girl she likes tell her-again-that she hates her. Jude, wiping away a few tears as she pushes her chair backwards, exits the house with Mack in tow, and doesn't looks back.
Small but mighty, indeed.
Skylar wished she could be like that. Because the minute that the door shut gently behind Mack, she broke down. Sobs that had been caught in her throat for months were unleashed, and in a matter of seconds, she was falling apart.
Everything was wrong. That had been her chance to make it right. But she just couldn't. There was something inside of her that was so reluctant, and so powerful, that it controlled her. Did she want to be stuck in this state forever? Ignoring her brother, remembering Logan, hating Jude? She knew the answer to that question was NO. And yet she couldn't bring herself to say it.
In twenty minutes, Blair was there, sitting in the same chair that Jude had been in. Her arms wrapped around Skylar, a strong grip, as if she was afraid the girl was about to fall at any moment. Skylar felt it, too. She feared slipping, losing herself, and falling completely. She didn't know where she'd land. But she knew it wouldn't be good.
"Tell me everything," Blair whispered. "Everything."
Skylar rested her head on the blonde's shoulder. Trembling, she said, "First, I want you to promise me that you'll tell Jude to move out. I know you and her are friends. You're so strong for doing that-so much stronger than I am. But I can't come to your apartment every day and see her. I don't want to see her again. And she needs to get back on her own feet. I know that she's hurting, too. She needs to find her own place, to figure out who she is without anyone else to tell her."
Blair was surprised, and nearly pointed out the genuine concern that Skylar had for Jude. Concern and care, mixed together with hatred and anger.
But as Skylar told Blair everything-about Mack's visit, about her wanting to forgive and be with Jude, but not being able to, and not even being able to explain why-Blair understood this confusing concoction of feelings.
"You need to take a few weeks, Skylar. Sort yourself out. For real, this time. You can't keep living like this. Logan is gone. Forget your feelings for her. Forget what Mack did to her. Remember that he is your family. Remember that you want to forgive him. You need to make yourself, to push yourself in the right direction. And move on from Logan. Date someone else. It doesn't have to be Jude right now."
"But eventually."
"Eventually." Blair smiled. "She'll be waiting for you when you're ready."
Those words scared Skylar. What if by the time Skylar was ready, Jude was gone? And she didn't mean gone as in moved on to someone else. She meant gone as in Logan, gone.
But they still provided comfort. Blair stayed the night, making herself comfortable on the couch in the living room. Skylar tried to collect herself as she made her way up the stairs and into her bedroom, but found it too difficult. She was broken glass, and by trying to fix herself, she was only making herself bleed.