A Lover on the Left, A Sinner on the Right
It didn't take Ava long to realize that she wasn't good at being normal.
After the night at the creek she became uncomfortably conscious of herself and we went back to being nothing more than just best friends in public. Because she was terrified of what her dad would say if he found out, she begged me not to tell.
If the word got out that we were sleeping together, the rumors would get worse. And people might start believing them. More than anything in the world, I wanted to protect her. I wanted to make up for all the time I wasn't there.
There was something enticing about the idea of having a secret. Another bond to further cement our eternal relationship. So we never told anyone what happened and they didn't suspect a thing. Not even when she let it happen again. And again.
And I didn't mind. In fact, I kind of liked it. A lot. That's when I discovered the beauty in sex. On the surface, it was a big joke that everyone bragged about, because they didn't actually understand. But what Ava and I did wasn't for anyone else's ears. They didn't need to know every minuscule detail, because they weren't part of the moment.
The night at the creek and every night after that was just for us. The way her hair shined as the water trickled through the creek bed was private. I was the only one that got to know how her eyes glowed and the stars twinkled. Only I could feel her skin against mine. I could taste her. No one else was allowed to have visions of moonlight gleaming from the silver ring as she dressed herself.
They didn't need to know what happened, because it didn't concern them. And that was incredibly beautiful. All those other people discussing their backseat trips to heaven and home alone visits to spirituality were all vying to be the most normal. They were taking the most basic, most carnal instinct and amplifying it to an immortal level, when in all actuality it was simply human nature.
Anyone could have sex. But it became something special when suddenly it wasn't just for discussion. It was the fact that Ava and I were completely vulnerable. As we laid wrapped in blankets under the stars, we were so close to becoming a single person.
A lover and a sinner. A pretty little girl and the boy that could talk her into anything.
There was something so innocent and yet so freeing. Something that no one could feel for us. It was the way the shadows fell across her face and her hands shook, and I was the only one that could ever relive those moments. They were all mine. And hers. And no one else's.
Sometimes people would make a crack about Ava being the stuck up virgin and she'd laugh, her gray eyes shining. They were the ones that didn't know anything. Maybe they knew how to write smut with their words, but she could paint fantasies from the shell of memories at the creek. She dreamed up colors from the feeling and emotions that only singed and sparked in the tantalizing embers of secrecy.
She'd smile with those thin, pink lips and I'd know that for that moment we were connected in a way no one else understood. And sometimes, I thought Ava didn't want to understand. Sometimes I wondered if she ever even thought about the massive disappointment.
Because she was so good at lying. So good, in fact, that it became part of her.
Ava's a good girl. She's waiting for her wedding night. But she wasn't. She hadn't waited for anything. And that made her mine. All mine.
That's what I wanted. I wanted her to think about me at night the way I thought about her.
I wanted Ava to love herself.