I watched him walk out the door. This was all my mom’s fault I mean I’m kinda happy that she did walk in ‘cause I think he and I would have regretted doing something so rash and stupid like that. But she didn’t have to react so…like that! She knows that I’m gay she just can’t accept it.
I ran my fingers through my curls again. Shit, I forgot to do my hair. Kurt’s only ever seen me with my normal gelled style. It probably looked like a mop on my head. He didn’t seem to say anything though so maybe he secretly liked it? I dunno I’m probably just making that up so I can feel a bit better about myself.
Florence was still playing and as much as I loved her I couldn’t listen to her right now. I grabbed my iPod from the top of my drawers looking for something else to listen to.
When I get angry listening to a relevant song sometimes helps I turned it onto shuffle. ‘Enchanted’ by Taylor Swift started to play, I turned it up louder it seemed perfect. I sing along absentmindedly. The lyrics seemed to fit the situation perfectly, I sighed.
I searched around for my phone, I found it on my desk in the study. I flipped it and chucked it around in my hands. I wanted Kurt to know how sorry I was for everything that happened today but decided it was too soon to text him.
“I don’t want that that queer boy at our house Blaine why can’t you see that he is just trying to corrupt you!”
That sentence was bouncing around my head just repeating and repeating itself. It’s okay for her not to accept me but to say that and blame it on someone else, is just wrong. As the song finished a tear fell from my eye. Why are things so complicated?
I needed some air.
The Lima Bean was about a 10 minute walk from my house so I regularly went there when I needed to think. I grabbed some shoes and went outside, the temperature was just right so I didn’t have to wear any kind of coat. I started walking.
I got to the Lima Bean pretty quickly and I automatically joined the line for a coffee out of habit. I ordered my medium drip and was ready to pay when I realised I hadn’t brought any money with me. I looked at the girl behind the check out.
“Erm never mind I seem to have misplaced my wallet sorry about that.”
She looked at me, she looked completely bored and uncaring like she didn’t want to be there.
The guy behind me started to order as I turned away to leave.
“…and I will have one medium drip for the guy that just lost his wallet.”
I turned around to see him looking at me.
He was tall, probably early 20s with longish wavy hair that was the colour of caramel. He smiled at me.
I walked towards him. “Thanks, but why are you doing this?” I said, a coffee shop in Ohio was a bit of a strange place to find Good Samaritan.
“You can be my good deed for the day, I try to do at one nice thing for someone every day. My name is Jeremiah.” He said extending my arm.
I shook his hand “Blaine” I said.
He handed the girl the money as we went over to wait for our drinks.
“So Blaine what brings you here to the Lima Bean on this Saturday afternoon?”
Was he trying to make conversation with me?
“Erm I needed some air and a bit of a walk you?” I didn’t really feel like confiding in a stranger so best to keep is simple.
“I’m on my break, I work at the gap” this guy seemed like he would tell me his whole life story if I asked.
“Maybe I will pay you a visit sometime and pay you back for the coffee.” Maybe meaning I may go to the gap and see him there but free coffee is free coffee.
“Nah forget about it, it’s fine” he smiled again.
At that moment we were handed our coffee I was looking for a way to escape this Jeremiah as I didn’t know him and he seemed like he wanted to talk. I was not in a talking mood.
I heard a little ping from my pocket as I took out my phone. Hopefully this would give me the excuse to get away from this guy.
It was from Kurt, I found it surprising that he had texted me especially since it wasn’t that long ago that he was at my house being judged by my mother.
‘Hey Blaine earlier today I said I was the kind of guy to take things slow and I guess I didn’t really show that, honestly I am I don’t know what happened today. So I was kinda hoping that before we get into anything too serious too soon we could be friends first. Just so we can actually get to know each other first! I’m really looking forward to seeing you on Monday. Love Kurt x’
I re-read the text. I was stunned. I guess I agreed with him, I don’t know what happened today either. I guess I was consumed with lust for him but seeing him saying that he didn’t like me in that way so plainly it kind of hurt. I felt rejected.
I looked back at Jeremiah’s still smiling face and walked back towards him.
“So do I have a coffee buddy for the day?” He asked me.
“Sure why not.” I needed someone happy to talk to, to get rid of this feeling of hurt.
We found a table with two chairs and sat down together. We started to talk, well he started to tell me about his normal life whilst I listened. After a lecture about how he wanted to own his own gap store one day he finally asked:
“So why are you so sad Blaine?”
How could I just tell him about Kurt? I don’t want to inform random strangers about my life.
“Relationship troubles…” I said plainly. Hopefully he would realise what that meant and wouldn’t ask.
“Ouch what’s she done?” that made me giggle a bit.
“well my…” what was Kurt to me? A friend? “My friend and I got a bit too carried away whilst hanging out and he and I almost kissed.”
“what so is one or both of you not gay or?...” Thank god he didn’t suddenly just start judging me.
“No we are both gay but we haven’t known each other for that long and he just texted me saying he just wants to be friends and I kinda feel like I want to be more” I realised I was pouring out my emotions to this random guy but did I really mean that? Do I want to be more than friends with Kurt?
“Rejection hurts dude, I’m sorry.” He reached across the table and patted me on the shoulder. “I’ve been in worse scenarios this one time I asked a guy out and just straight up beat the hell out of me. He was straight as a ruler” So he was gay too, that explained a lot.
I laughed at bit. “What made you think he would turn gay for you?” I asked. It was a bit mean but I am entitled to be when I’m in a bad mood.
“I dunno I had a crush on him for like two years and I had been telling myself, go on Jeremiah just do it, the worst thing he can do is say no! Boy was I wrong. But you probably know what I mean!” He seemed to understand which was nice.
“If you mean by getting beat up because I’m gay, yes I do! But to be honest unfortunately I’ve never met another gay guy who hasn’t been taunted because of his sexuality.”
We both awkwardly laughed as we looked back on our own memories of that kind of experience. Jeremiah snapped back into reality.
“That’s why I prefer to stay in the closet now a days, I mean you go if you are out and proud but I’m not strong enough to face the world like this.” He smiled at me weakly as if to say I wish I could be strong enough.
He looked at his watch before swearing under his breath.
“I’m sorry Blaine my break is almost over and I need to back, it was nice to talk to you. maybe I will see you around?” He smiled before picking up his coffee and leaving.
He seemed like a perfectly nice guy. Maybe I would get to know him better. I didn’t really know at this point but I did know it was nice to have someone to talk to. I sighed and put my head in my hands. I had a sip of the coffee Jeremiah had bought me, it was a kind gesture that I was very thankful for.
I loved coffee more than anything in the world. Okay bit of an exaggeration but it was one of my favourite things in the world. I let the warm liquid slide down my throat and let my sadness drift away as I sat there alone in the coffee shop.
Kurt’s POV
As soon as I sent the text I knew it has been a bad idea. It made me sound so heartless like I didn’t care about him or what had happened in the slightest. But I figured I had to get things sorted out with him, I didn’t want a repeat of today, at least not for a while. He seems like a great guy and I do really like him but I just feel if we had…kissed today we would have regretted it. It wouldn’t have meant anything…like every other kiss in my life so far.
I sighed. This wasn’t how it was meant to be. You are supposed to have that connection with someone that you truly love and care about, and sure I cared about him but not in that way…yet.
Images of when Dave kissed me flashed through my mind. I winced. I didn’t want it to be like that. If Blaine and I were meant to be it will happen. Just not yet.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket. He hadn’t responded. Why the hell did I have to bring it up? We could have gone on like nothing even happened. I couldn’t give him the wrong idea about me though.
I read through the text I sent, realising I had sent him about 10 different mixed signals and it sounded like I had no idea what I was talking about. Why the hell did I put ‘Love Kurt’ I decided I should probably write an explanation text, but what if he is pissed at me and doesn’t want anything to do with me now. I sighed again.
‘Can we talk? I just looked at the text I sent you earlier and realised I make no sense whatsoever, so if I haven’t pissed you off and you would still like to know me then please reply x’
I looked over the text, should I send it now? Should I wait till later to send it? Should I just not send it at all and pretend like nothing happened?
Finally after about 5 minutes of going through the pros and cons I just sent it. I mean what’s the worst thing that could happen? Oh yeah him saying that he never wants to see me again because I’m an asshole who only ever thinks about himself.
I didn’t want to lose him. I couldn’t lose him. I wouldn’t lose him. I can’t. I won’t.
Blaine’s POV
I heard the familiar ping of my phone again. I was still at the Lima Bean feeling sorry for myself when I received it.
It was another message from Kurt. What he not said it all in the other text? Did he want to say that he hated me and my curly hair as well?
I shouldn’t think of Kurt like that. He was a nice guy. He was only saying what we were both thinking. He wanted to talk and he seemed worried that he might have offended me. I sighed.
‘Don’t worry I’m not angry at you, I was the one wondering if you ever wanted to see me again after today. Sure we can talk.’
Send.
I put the phone on the table in front of me and waited for a response. I took several more sips of my coffee before it buzzed again.
‘Well this is the bit I have no idea how to say…erm…can I call you or something because there is too much to really say in a text.’
I sighed, Kurt seemed real worried about this and if he wanted to talk about it I wouldn’t let him suffer just because I’m in a bad mood.
‘Well I’m in the Lima Bean if you want to come and talk?’ I sent thinking that if he wanted to talk it would be better in person than over the phone. Anything he wanted to say he could say to my face and we could react to this appropriately.
The screen lit up again and buzzed.
‘I will be there ASAP.’
Simple as. I drank the few final drops of my coffee and put my cup in the bin. I looked completely out of place just waiting for Kurt at the table without any reason to be there so I decided to go wait for him outside.
After waiting at the door for about 5 minutes I started to pace, was he coming? I know I don’t know where Kurt lives, he could live half an hour away for all I knew but surely if he lived too far away he would just say that he lives too far away, right?
I started to pace around outside the coffee shop it took another 5 minutes before Kurt arrived.
“Sorry I didn’t think it would take so long but the traffic seemed to take forever. Sorry” he smiled and chuckled nervously.
“It’s fine.” I said probably with too much intensity, I sounded angry but I was in a bad mood I had an excuse.
“okay…erm well do you want to go inside or…”
“no I’ve already drank some coffee I don’t really want some more right now can we just walk?” I cut him off, all Kurt wanted to do was talk about things and I was just being a complete asshole which is what I turn into if I’m in a bad mood if you hadn’t already guessed.
“Sure okay…” Kurt said he looked upset, I bet I was worrying him with how I was acting.
“Look I’m really sorry Kurt none of this is your fault and it’s just that some of the things my mum said about…me…really hurt me and I kinda put me in a bad mood” I took a deep sigh and tried to get rid of all the hurtful words and horrible feelings before taking his hand and walking him towards a direction we could walk, the park would probably the best idea. “Come on Hummel let’s do some talking.” I said finally looking him in the eye and being able to smile again.
The upset look on his face slowly melted into a soft smile that even reached his eyes, he was so beautiful. I would never admit it to him or myself that I had called him that but it was definitely true, at least to me.
His eyes then dropped to our connected hands he blushed slightly, I thought about dropping his hand but couldn’t bring myself to do it I liked his touch, I liked the simple gesture. I liked him.
Once we were under the canopy of trees I started off the conversation, the walk to the park was silent but not awkward just neither of us had anything to say on the way there.
“So…you wanted to talk about today…” I said breaking the silence as our pace slowed slightly.
“erm yeah it’s just well…can we sit down?” he looked nervous beyond belief, I dragged him to the nearest bench and we both say down. “Blaine I really care about you I really do, more than any person should do after only a few days but I just don’t think I’m ready for this, I have this dream set up in my head of how I want my first proper relationship to start and how it should go.” He giggled at himself “I know that I sound completely stupid and weird beyond belief but, this isn’t how that dream goes. I’ve got to know a person before I can do anything like that with a person, a kiss is something you share with a person that you have a deep connection with and every other kiss in my life so far hasn’t meant anything and I don’t want it to continue like that” He sighed shakily as his eyes glistened over with tears threatening to fall “Honestly Blaine if we were to ever happen if I were to ever become your boyfriend I would be the luckiest guy on this earth but I don’t want that yet, I don’t want us to suddenly go into something serious that neither of us are ready for, I know we get along great, but we don’t know each other not really.” I knew all of this was so hard to say for him I kinda felt sorry for him, I believe that he liked and cared about me and he sounded so genuine about what he was saying.
I took a deep sigh before sliding over closer to him and wrapped him in my arms, his head laying against my chest as a couple of tears escaped from his eyes. His own arms wrapped around my waist.
“Kurt…” I tried to comfort him but for once in my life I had no idea what to say, he was right we didn’t know each other. “you have had so many of your firsts taken away from you…I don’t want your first relationship to be ruined by me I don’t want you thinking that just because I was a little bit horny earlier on and even if we had…kissed… I never expected anything from you, I didn’t assume you to feel the same way or if we had to make a thing out of it just because we had done something that should be romantic and it just…wasn’t.” I realised what we were saying was the truth we weren’t ready for this and Kurt has had a pretty tough time when it comes to relationship stuff so why would I want to make that whole experience worse?
“Thank you for understanding…I feel so horrible for saying it but please believe me when I say that I care about you and that I just don’t want us to do something we regret” He said wiping away his tears and pulling away from our embrace he smiled slightly. I did believe him, he does care about me. I think we are in the same boat we don’t know what our feelings for each other are but the best thing to do is wait and see what happens.
“May our love bloom into a beauteous flower” I said trying to be cute and romantic by quoting Romeo and Juliet but it probably just sounded awfully tacky.
“But Blaine why dos though leave me so unsatisfied?” At least he got the joke, he giggled slightly and rested his head on my shoulder.
“Might as well finish our date whilst we are here” I said winking. Well we were supposed to spend the day together why not carry on?
“I’d like that” he said intertwining our fingers again. He looked down at our hands once more and then his gaze rose to look at me. His smile widened and his deep sky blue eyes twinkled.
“Come on then where do you wanna go?” I ask suddenly remembering that I have no cash on my whatsoever.
“Actually I think I’d just prefer to stay here, it’s such a nice day and it’s so peaceful here…” he looked up and admired the scenery around him. “And the leaves are started to change colour for the autumn…” his eyes returned to my face “it looks so beautiful” as he stared into my eyes and said this something in my chest fluttered for a second and my eyesight dropped to my hands as I felt heat rush to my cheeks.
Kurt giggled slightly again as my eyesight rose up to look at Kurt again, maybe something would happen with us just not yet. Only time will tell.
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Just a little note from me! Here is the youtube link to Enchanted by Taylor Swift:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJpKQkzrJTo