TEEN PROGRAMME by Hadley_Swiss
Congratulations for earning a spot in the LGBTQ+: Sun-Kissed Anthology! ♥
I had always been slightly... awkward around people. Not because I was naturally awkward, but because there had always been that nagging thought, "What if they don't like me?"
Now, my brother, Julio, was looking at me, his lips kinked up into a smile. "You'll just have to suck it up now," he said, and I nodded, my emerald eyes casting looks at the ground.
"Yeah, I'll try..."
For the first time, Mum had put her foot down. "This year, Raegan, you're going out there. You're going to have a great time, and you'll be in the Teen Programme." I had smiled slightly- I mean, my Mum really believed in me. Julio not so much.
Now, I stood before the huge building. It was more like a college block or a huge secondary school than anything else, and the walls were a pastel purple, some of the paint peeling at the edges. I took a deep breath, and started to walk forwards again, Julio just a few paces behind me.
At the glass front doors, I turned around and tried to give Julio a hug. He backed away for a second before giving in, muttering, "Remember not to think about what they think, OK?" His huge arms encircled my petite frame. I could smell his strong, distinctly male deodorant, and my nose rumpled up. What on earth was the point of wearing a chemical odour?
Suddenly, another girl came up to me. She was walking quickly on ballerina flats, her black handbag swinging from her shoulder in a chaotic way. "Hey, shouldn't we be inside by now?" she asked me.
"Err, I don't... I don't know."
"It's her first time here," Julio explained.
"Ah OK. You'll love the sleepovers!" the girl said, looking at me with raised eyebrows. "They're just-"
"Sleepovers?" I asked, turning around, my hands on my hips. "You didn't say anything about sleepovers!"
Julio's eyes were wide. For a moment, he hesitated, his hands held mid-air, and then he let them drop languidly at his sides. "See you next week, sis," he said, before strolling away. What?
For a moment, I just stood there until the girl touched my arm with a long, red fingernail. A fingernail as red as her lips. I was painfully aware of the physical contact- as aware as I was that I wasn't perfect. "We should probably go. My name's Rachelle, by the way," the girl said.
"Oh. Er, Raegan," I introduced myself, staring at the floor.
"Cool! One of my best friends was called that, too. She seemed totally different though."
I suddenly remembered having drunk hot chocolate that morning. Did I still have a chocolate moustache? I didn't know what I'd do if I did. As casually as I could, I dragged my fingertips over my mouth, simultaneously asking, "Is that good or bad?"
"Definitely good. What's life without everyone being different?"
Instantly, I felt a kind of slight warm sensation tingle in my chest. Perhaps I could trust this girl, Rachelle. Especially as she didn't seem to mind me. I mean, she just said difference was key. And I was different.
Then, she opened the door and walked into the building. I watched her straight back, the way she held herself with such dignity, her chin high. Her brown hair swung behind her in a cascade of curls. My hair, in comparison, was straight and hung in a ponytail.
We reached classroom 101 quite quickly, after having checked in at the reception. "Ah, welcome back, Rachelle. I do hope you won't make as much drama as last year!" a young woman in her mid-thirties exclaimed as we entered.
Rachelle laughed a little at that, her lips curling up in a really cute manner, before turning to me. "This is Raegan. She's new this year."
"That's cool. We'll be deciding on this week's Teen Bucket List activities."
I nodded. "Isn't a bucket list something before you die? I mean, no offence meant, but-" I blustered.
"Well, technically yes. But here it's just a list of things you want to do before you stop being a teen.
And so Rachelle and I ended up sitting next to each other at the table at the end of the classroom. We both had papers in front of us, but while her pen literally flew over the page, mine hovered in the air. I bit my lip, shooting a glance out of the window. Sadly, the nature didn't inspire me for anything I'd like to do...
"You seem pretty shy," Rachelle commented, her eyes still fixed on her paper. My throat seemed to close up right then and there, so I didn't answer. Instead, I concentrated on the breeze, which hovered against me neck. It was heavy with the humidity from outside the window, making me shiver. Finally, she looked up. "Why are you like that?"
"I don't know. I just am."
"Why? Are you afraid of something?" Rachelle asked, her eyes round and deep.
For a moment, I hesitated, biting my lips softly with my too-big front teeth. "I guess I'm afraid of judgement. I don't usually talk to people much," I told her, and I was amazed that I hadn't stuttered.
Rachelle must have seen how my eyes had widened, my lips parting into an O, because she let out a soft giggle, and to my surprise, I joined in. "You should be proud of yourself though," she remarked. I raised an eyebrow quizzically. "I mean, you're talking to me."
Finally, I let myself slump into my chair, every muscle in my body strangely tense and relaxed at the same time. "Yeah. Fourteen years old, and learning how to talk," I joked, and she actually laughed!
That was the beginning for me right then. I found myself thanking my Mum for being so stubborn, and yet, I knew I'd still have a long way to go till I'd be as proud and tall-looking as Rachelle.
And even worse than that, I was about to discover something about myself that I would want to hide.
* * *
We walked through the days- Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and then Friday- the before, before last day of my Teen Programme. So far, we had danced in the rain, had a disco, and looked after chicks, and still Rachelle was my only friend. Not that I minded.
Friday came too quickly- a charming day and a blissfully sun kissed one at that. I found myself watching Rachelle's every move as we walked with our group to the park. A small backpack sat on my shoulders, red with white polka dots and a crimson zip. "Cute bag," Rachelle had commented as we left the Teen Programme establishment.
I had smiled lightly. "Thanks." Somehow, I felt free outside, with only Rachelle to talk to. I saw the way her brown freckles contrasted with her pale, white skin, and occasionally let myself glance at her red lips.
We both lay down on the grass near the lake we were visiting, our picnic covers beneath us. My back felt itchy from the stubs of grass prodding us from beneath us, but even worse than that, there seemed to be a constant itch to reach out for Rachelle. Yet, I knew that would be wrong.
Soon, it was lunchtime, and then afternoon. "Can I play with your hair?" Rachelle asked. I nodded eagerly, My lips parting in a smile. So, we both sat down on our knees, me in front and her behind.
I accidentally sat down on her yellow, floral dress, but all she did was laugh. It made me feel like someone actually cared. She laughed, but never got angry, and it made feel warm and fuzzy. I found myself anticipating every moment.
I also found myself paying close attention to the way her hands fiddled with my brown hair. My head kept leaning back towards her so that she would laugh and smile. And then, I closed my eyes and fell asleep, right there at her side. How stupid of me. How innocent.
* * *
The grass was a vibrant green in the prairie.The sun shone beneath a grey sky, and the flowers swayed lightly in the breeze. Rachelle sat opposite me, her hands playing with her hair. It seemed like a common pastime she'd use, just brushing her nails through her dreadlocks.
My mouth opened, and a strong voice floated out into the open. "You know what I like about you? It's the fact that you're so proud and accepting. Me, I'm just shy. I've never known friendship properly, nor love."
"You haven't? I can't imagine why!" Rachelle replied, leaning towards me. The cliche seemed so unique though, and suddenly, our hands were in each others. I looked up, and though it was me, I wasn't myself. I was strong. I was ready.
"I love you," I whispered, and then everything faded away.
* * *
I woke up to the dazzling sunlight against my eyelids. I felt something solid and warm against my back. "You're so cute when you sleep. Who were you saying that thing about liking pride and strength to?" Rachelle whispered into my ear. I looked up, and there was her chin, right above my eyes.
"I said that out loud?" I mumbled, mortified, before covering up, "No one. Absolutely no one." Quickly, I stood up, rocking on my feet. I had slept with my back to Rachelle's chest. I had almost admitted something.
Was I really in love with her? I mean, one couldn't fall in love that quickly, right? I looked back at Rachelle, so accepting and kind, sitting stunned on the blanket. I shook my head, my heart racing. I couldn't be in love with her. If I was, it meant I was a lesbian, and what would my family say to that?
I remembered my strength in the dream, and I willed myself to be strong. As strong as I had been then, but I found fears chasing my thoughts. I found myself quivering. Rachelle would want nothing to do with me if she knew. But did I really know? Was I sure I loved her?
I couldn't risk it. I couldn't risk making a huge mistake, and so I made a small one. I walked away and sat along beneath one of the willow trees by the lake, my head in my palms, my thoughts racing. No, I couldn't be lesbian.
* * *
Saturday. Today was the real sleepover night. The other teens were planning on pulling an all-nighter. However, all I wanted to do was fall asleep. Rachelle hadn't talked to me since yesterday, and a drowning feeling was pulsing in my chest.
I felt like I was being submerged beneath the waves, the cold licking at me even as the summer sun shone with abundance. Why had I left Rachelle? The answer was quite clear. I was a coward. I was not considerate. I was afraid, even though she had treated me so kindly.
Now, I watched as she talked to some of the boys. They kept making inappropriate jokes, and all she did was giggle. Every move she made seemed to me as if she was flirting. No glance was spared for me. It was as if I was someone unimportant who she'd merely forgotten.
Her attitude felt like cold, hard rejection. I found myself watching her even more than before, needing to reach out to her, and yet I couldn't. She'd be angry. She'd be prejudiced against me. She'd think badly of me.
And then there was that other feeling, which seemed to boil inside me. Every time she smiled at someone else, I would grit my teeth or simply turn away, hiding my face beneath my curtain of silky hair.
And so the day progressed, always seeming only to get greyer and greyer. I watched from the side lines, and stared at the empty piece of paper which was my teen bucket list. Then, when I could stand it no longer, I wrote down one thing I wanted to accomplish.
Forget my fears and tell her what I feel.
My resolve to accomplish this was almost zero, but I told myself, You can do this. Plus, if you do, it'll make you strong.
But most of all, it was the image of myself looking proudly into Rachelle's eyes which kept me going. And then, that night, the opportunity presented itself.
* * *
It was uncomfortably dark in the hallway, but I had needed to go to the loo. As I walked down the corridor, my steps devoid of any energy or motivation, I saw a shadow move towards me. The shadow wiped its eyes with a hand hidden inside a light, breezy sleeve. I recognised it instantly.
"Suck it up," I heard Julio tell me in my memory. For a second, I stood there frozen, and then, I called out.
"Rachelle?" I whisper-shouted. Her head snapped towards me, and for a second, she just stood there. Then, she walked forwards and brushed past me. I grabbed her arm.
"Let me go," she seethed.
"No. I'd like to apologise. I just... have to tell you something." I took a deep breath, and for a moment, it looked as if Rachelle was going to snap at me.
Then, she closed her eyes for a second, taking a deep breath. "What?" she asked as calmly as she could muster.
"Yesterday, I was... afraid that you'd be prejudiced against me." The hard look left Rachelle's face. My lips crumpled together for a second.
As they did so, she stared me in the eyes, deep brown meeting green, and asked softly, "Why should I be prejudiced against you?"
For a moment, I rocked on my heels, biting my lips. I couldn't believe that she was just standing there, so relaxed once more and beautiful. After a moment, the words left my mouth. They were the hardest to say, and yet, they were also easy. They were the truth, and if she hated me for it, then I would know she wasn't for me. Yet, I couldn't imagine my life without her anymore.
"I think I'm lesbian. I think I love you." I imagined hearing laughter down the corridor, but reassured myself that it was just that. A taunting voice in my head.
A huge smile such as none I'd seen before crept onto Rachelle's face. I reciprocated the same smile, and my heart really did seem to leap as she said, "You shouldn't have been ashamed. Being a lesbian is perfectly fine and great." She didn't even seem to need to take a big breath before saying, "I love you, too," and it made me love her even more.
Awkwardly, she opened her arms wide, and I wrapped my arms around her, too. I felt the way my palm fit against her lower back, and this felt safe and secure. It didn't feel like electricity, as the books described it. It was more of a fuzzy joy, which pulsed through me, joining the ecstasy of her confirmation.
I sighed as I buried my head in her long-sleeved blouse. She'd make me strong. She'd be the other half of me, even if love came with difficulties, as they always said it did. I'd manage to overcome my shyness, and I'd be the same person as I was in my dream. Me. The one and only me. I'd be as proud as the summer sun and crazy and unique. And I'd love it.