"In the middle of the night I woke in a sweat, I saw the man who killed my children just staring at me, with that sick grin on his face. I had never encountered anyone so sadistic, especially considering how young he was," the woman on the news shed a tear, and quickly wiped it away before continuing her story.
The one thing I dislike about the purge is it's opposing liberal propaganda. Nobody was stopping her from moving to Canada for a few days to protect her children, nobody opposed her investing in a new security system, so why does she get to complain when her children's deaths could have been so easily avoided?
I pick the remote off of the black marble kitchen table and switch off the news. In all honesty, I was sick about hearing debates on the purge. Have it, don't have it, I don't care. People will die either way. Just don't spend hours on pointless discussion and take up television time.
"Everything alright, sweetheart?" My mother asked cheerfully, setting down a bowl of cereal in front of me.
I smiled half heartedly and explained that I was fine. Ever since my school had suggested that I go to a counselling programme a year and a half ago, my mother had been on my case non stop. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the sentiment, but I feel so claustrophobic with every "are you okay?".
I'm fine. Really, I am. Why would I lie to my own thoughts?
I look down at my crooked school tie and straighten it, I'll have to wear this uniform in group therapy (or 'group session time' as they have so politely changed it to) and I don't think I'll have the energy to change clothes. We've been having a lot more sessions recently, we always do around the purge season.
Our 'advisors' as we're meant to call them (they're really discount therapists who say they care more than they do) have arranged both individual and group sessions for everyone in the next three days. We were meant to have one yesterday, but it was so late notice that nobody bothered to turn up. They had given us 20 minutes until we were meant to have been there. Even though I could have easily gone, I decided to save myself the trouble.
I eat enough cereal until my mother is satisfied that I won't faint again and I begin my walk to school.
It felt like I had only just stepped out of the door when zoey came running up to me to say hello.
I trusted zoey, a lot , actually. She wouldn't hurt a fly, but she can be so naive sometimes. Especially when it comes to her boyfriend. I worry about her but there's only so much sympathy I can give to someone who refuses to deal with their own problems.
"Vale!" She squeals, hugging me. "You haven't been in school for two days, I've missed you," she informs me and we begging our walk together towards school.
"That's sweet of you zo, but I'm feeling better."
"So what was wrong anyway? You didn't return my texts about it.. I was getting pretty concerned." She looked towards the ground as she talked, worried about upsetting me.
"Stomach bug" I lied. "Sorry I didn't reply, I think I was about to but then I must've fell asleep and forgot about it." I replied, smiling. It's so strange how happy I always acted around zoey.
"What's going on with you?" I asked, changing the subject.
She immediately began telling me about her boyfriend and that's when I zoned out. I wouldn't be able to say if she was complaining or praising him, really. I had gotten so good at drifted away when in conversation with someone else.
I had started doing that during school, guess I might as well start now. I'm not going to remember a word the teachers say, but at least I can mentally skip these boring lessons.
-----
"Vale? Vale! VALE!"
I jolted awake to my name being shouted.
I looked around me to see empty chairs and no teacher, I must have either fallen asleep or zoned out pretty bad. In front of me there was a boy with slicked back blonde hair staring down at me.
"Wake up! It's therapy time," he spoke with gleeful sarcasm as he left the room.
'What an asshole' I thought. Oh well, at least he woke me up.
I looked up at the clock to see I was 10 minutes late for my ride with my mother.
Shit
I quickly ran through the near empty halls, somehow not bumping into the guy from earlier (I think his name was reece, rhys? Something along those lines) and spotted my mothers car as soon as I got outside.
I hated making her panicked. The last time I was late home from school it was because I had collapsed in the guidance councillors office.
I opened the car door and immediately began to apologise.
"Mom I'm so so sorry I completely lost track of time and -
"Honey don't worry about it, you're only a couple of minutes late. Just try and text me about it next time, alright?" Well that was surprisingly calm. I'm not gonna knock it.
I nodded and agreed to do so, apologising once again.
The car ride went by in a second and I was finally at Clearwater institution.
I smiled at my mom, thanking her for driving me and I walked inside the white doors.
It was your stereotypical mental hospital. White everywhere, except for the truly inspirational "don't kill yourself!" Posters. I'm sure those really did a lot of good.
I walked down into room B14 , and braced myself for another joyous round of group therapy.
I slowly opened the door and walked it. "Sorry," I said, acknowledging the fact I was late.
I looked for a chair to take, luckily it wasn't next to the guy I saw earlier, but it was directly opposite him.
"That's quite alright vale, please take a seat" Dr. Anderson replied. I sat down and stared at the floor as her continued whatever he was saying.
"We were just discussing productive things to do instead of hurting ourselves" he said matter of factly. I nearly laughed at this. I began to smirk.
"What is it, vale?" He said with an annoyed tone, knowing how insensitive I was to these things.
"It's just- if Someone wants to hurt themselves, why stop them? Why offer an alternative? Just let them get on with it if that's what they want to do," I reasoned.
"What a beautiful way of putting it. Slit your wrists if you're gonna! Thoughts , doc?" The boy from earlier asked leading back on his chair, backing me up.
"Well ,Rhys, Vale, I think that that is an awful way of reasoning with yourself. Hurting yourself is an abnormal thing to do and should not be used to cope with thoughts or feelings that could otherwise be talked about in a more positive manner," he explained.
Rhys dramatically yawned and I grinned at his mutual lack of enthusiasm.
"Come on , doesn't anyone have any ideas on how to distract from self injury?" Dr Anderson prompted.
There was a brief silence in the room before Melissa ,the most timid girl I have ever met, shyly raised her said and said "maybe you could read a book?"
I immediately burst into laughter, as did one or two other people in the group- including Rhys-, this unfortunately made her facial expression go from hopeful to shameful.
"Vale!" Anderson snapped. "That was a very good suggestion from Mel, so what do you find so funny?" God, everything's so serious with this guy.
I look to the floor and then back up at him.
"It's just" I said after finishing my laugher, but unable to contain my grin. "With all due respect, If I wanna cut myself ,doc, then I'm gonna cut myself, not read a goddamn book. That's like saying 'you wanna cook a stir fry dinner? Go paint a bowl of fruit on a canvas!' "
This earned a few laughs once again, but also a harsh scowl from Anderson.
Anderson rolled his eyes, I hadn't spoken up like this in a while. He was clearly sick of my outbursts
"Vale, I'd like to extend our one to one therapy session today." He said sternly.
I groaned. "By how long?"
"20 minutes. Now let's get back to the discussion, and I only want to hear productive, useful things." He announced, looking straight at me.
I slouched back in my chair and began to zone out again, when I heard something interesting from someone in the circle of chairs.
"..all I'm saying ,doc, is that instead of injuring yourself, you could injure somebody else"
I smiled at that thought before I was carried away by visions of the purge night, picturing how it would go and what I would do.
Instead of injuring yourself, you could injure someone else. Blissful.
---
"again?" I heard a voice say as it tapped me on the arm. "Wake up, sweetheart, a certain handsome doctor wants to see you now,"
Well that wasn't disturbing at all.
I opened my eyes to see Rhys. Why does this guy keep waking me up when I'm happily in a zoned out sleep.
He offered me a hand up, which I took thankfully. God, how long did that session last for?
"Doctors waiting, sleeping beauty," He said with a low-key sinister grin.
He exited the room and sat in the waiting room, I think we had the same doctor. It was Anderson, the one who ran today's therapy session.
I lazily yawned and walked along the corridor until I found B23.
I took a deep breath before opening the door.
I pushed it open carefully and sat on the red chair opposite dr Anderson.
"She's finally awake" he remarked sarcastically.
"How are you, vale?" He asked.
I noticed my right leg was bouncing slightly, and I was very fidgety. Huh.
"Same as yesterday, been more manic recently."
He looked at my leg and my hands "I can tell. I hate to press you on the subject ,vale, but any self injury recently?" His tone was more serious than earlier.
"Two weeks clean doc, you know that."
He doesn't answer before flipping through his notes. "Yes but that's my concern , vale, you seem to have this cycle of two weeks manic and one week depressed, which is when you begin to exhibit suicidal tendencies,"
I rolled my eyes, and looked out of the window.
He cleared his throat. "Are you planning on purging this year, vale?"
That caught my attention. I looked back at him.
"Yes." I answered simply. I should've lied, the rest of the session is just going to be him telling me not to purge.
"Even after what happened last year?" That hit a nerve. Who does he think he is, bringing that up?
"Last year was.. nothing. I'm still here, aren't I?"
Nothing much had even happened. So I had a shitty boyfriend at the time, doesn't make a difference to me now. I'm over it. I got him before he got me.
"Yes but vale another one of my concerns is how you will react to the sigh of blood, as much as you can't see it now , it is one of your biggest triggers towards suicidal tendencies and behaviours . If I thought those would only last for one night I would allow you to take the decision to purge lightly, but I think they might last for a while afterwards. My guess is a week, maybe two. We can't keep ignoring these cycles. We need to do something about it."
I sighed, maybe he was right. I took out a pack of cigarettes and began to light one.
"Vale! There's no smoking in here,"
I rolled my eyes and lit him one, handing it to him.
He took it reluctantly and began to smoke with me.
"I don't know why you try and help me, doctor. I'm not getting anywhere. Maybe it'd be better for the both of us if I just sat in the road waiting to be killed during purge night."
"Vale, this is what I'm talking about. These self destructive inner monologues. They're not healthy for you. Listen, I can't stop you from purging. If you're really set on it.. there's nothing I can do. But I want you to promise me something."
I looked up at him, flicking some of my cigarette ash out of the window. "What?"
"If you're out on purge night and you see something that maybe sets off a response in you, you have to call me. I won't judge what you have done or what has been done to you, but if it's serious then please, call me. Here's my number," he said, taking out a pad of post it notes and a biro pen. He wrote down his phone number and handed it to me.
"My phone will be on the whole night. Do not hesitate to call me."
I took it, wearily. It was a nice gesture I suppose. "Thanks, doc. I appreciate it."
"I suppose we could end the session a little earlier today," that was music to my ears "but, before you go I have to ask for my own personal curiosity- do you know Rhys? I mean outside of group sessions, that is."
"Kind of, he goes to my school but we don't really speak. He's been a lot more vocal recently, he's usually quiet, what's up with that?" I asked.
Anderson sighed. "Sorry vale I can't discuss another patients mental wellbeing with you, but you're not wrong for noticing a change."
"How come you asked, though?" I said curiously.
"I suppose I've just noticed you talking more during group sessions. That's all," he concluded the session by reminding me that I could call him anytime on purge night, even before or after if I was getting bad.
I thanked him and left.
I went to the waiting room and spotted Rhys.
I took a seat near him and sighed.
"Get ready for some anti purge talk," I said.
"Anderson loves to crack down around this time of the year. Let me guess, he talked to you about how the sight of blood would set you off?" Rhys replied.
"Yeah, God I wish he would leave it. I bet anything that he's going purging too."
"But sweetheart, he's sane so he gets to enjoy it more than we do." He said sarcastically. "Can I have one?" He asked.
"What do you mean?" I said, confused.
"I can smell smoke on you, can I have one?" He politely asked.
"Guess I'm giving them all away today, had to give Anderson one just so he'd shut up about me doing it," I grinned, I took out the packet from my backpack along with a lighter. I threw the pack over to him. He caught it, took out a cigarette, lit it, and threw the pack back to me.
"Haven't had one of these in 3 days, thank you, dear,"
The way he talked was so old fashioned, I couldn't help but love it.
I took some perfume out of my bag and sprayed it over me. "mom would kill me if she smelt smoke on me, sorry for choking you with the smell of strawberry vodka"
"Not to worry, dear." He finished his cigarette and flicked it on the floor. "I suppose I should give the doctor a visit. Maybe I'll be converted to his anti purging. Goodbye , love" he said, as he stood up and walked out the door.
Well that was, strange to say the least.
I felt my phone buzz and knew it was my mother texting me to let me know that she was outside. I walked out, trying to focus on getting to the car, bur for some reason I couldn't get Rhys out of my head.