I'm not sure if it's because I know I'm pregnant that I feel so sick or if it's a genuine symptom of the baby growing in my belly. I woke up three times in the night and then had to rush - on my crutches with mum following behind me - to the bathroom twice this morning. Mum was on hand with her ginger ale and Ritz crackers, telling me to eat and drink them slowly.
I turn over in bed feeling like I'm swishing around in a washing machine on a spin cycle, hearing my mum's phone buzz from the counter. If it's Enzo calling again to apologise, then I'm going to block his number. What doesn't the guy understand about the words 'Leave Me Alone'? I grab my ringing phone and press the green button ready to give him a mouthful when Hayley, my boss, at DailyDiets sings down the line.
"How's the honeymoon? Can't take your hands off each other, I bet," she giggles.
I cringe. "Good. How're you?"
"I'm fabulous now I'm going to make your day. I hope you're sitting down," she says.
I look down at my cast and nod to myself. "Yes, I'm sat down."
"Now then, I know you are aware that your time as publisher here is coming to an end."
I get an anxious belly ache. Or maybe, I'm going to throw up again. At this point, I never know. "Yes, I've been expecting it."
"Congratulations, Ambrosia. You're looking at the new full-time editor at DailyDiets. Well done, girl. You so deserve it!"
My mouth goes wide. "What? Me? Really?"
"Yes," she giggles, "You start as soon as you come back next month."
I cringe at how my circumstances now could change everything. "Hayley, I must be honest with you. My leg's in a cast, and I'm pregnant."
The line goes quiet. "Wowzers, Am. Now that's what I call a honeymoon."
I massage my temple. "I know, it's intense, and I understand if you want to give the position to somebody else."
"Are you drunk? There's no way we're letting you go that easily. So, your leg's broken? You can work from home until you feel better. Pregnant? No biggie. Maternity leave only lasts a year, and then you can bring your baby to work if you have to do. It'll all work out."
I choke up a bit. "You mean it?"
"I swear," she laughs.
"Oh, thank you, Hayley." This couldn't have come at a better time.
I can do this on my own; I know it.
"You're welcome, Am. Enjoy the rest of your holiday, and I'll speak to you soon," she makes a squeaking noise, "Oh, and congrats on the Bubba."
I smile. "Thanks, Hayley. Take care."
I press the red button to end the call and put my phone down on the bed, smiling at mum when she steps inside the room. I can't believe they're keeping me on. It's a miracle in a hail storm.
"You sounded excited. Good news?"
I beam. "Yes, that was work. They want to keep me. I'm officially an editor."
"What?" she screeches jumping on the spot. "Oh, Ambrosia. You little superstar."
"I can't believe it."
"I can. You're passionate about your job, and they will see that. I call for a celebration. Think you can manage some pasta?"
I nod. "Pasta sounds good."
"I'll add basil to the sauce," she winks, stepping up to the edge of the bed, leaning down to plant a big kiss on my forehead. "And then we'll watch QVC together. I love the beauty segment."
It's safe to say that I get my QVC addiction from my mum. I remember growing up; we'd sit and watch it for hours in the summer holidays, buying all sorts because it was cheap, and who doesn't love a bargain?
"Perfect," I smile, feeling like I'm about to puke again. "I'll meet you downstairs in a minute." A very long minute.
"Okay, honey. Take all the time you need."
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I hit mum's knee, trying to get her attention as she attempts to get into the chocolate bar. "Nails Inc gift set," I gasp, covering my mouth as my tummy whooshes around.
Mum lifts her head up. "We love Nails Inc."
I nod a few times. "I know. If we buy it we can split it into the colours we both like, the money too."
"A ten pack?"
"Yes," I sit closer to the edge as the on screen nail technician paints the colours on the model's hands. "We should call in before they sell out."
"I'm on it," Mum leaps up from the sofa, dumping her chocolate on the floor, picking up the house phone from the sideboard. "Good thing I know the number off by heart."
"Do you think that they know it's us?" I giggle, only half-joking. We're regulars to the company.
"I did get the same guy answer the line three times the other week when I bought some clothes. By the end of it, we were on first name terms."
"No way," I sit back on the sofa and pull my knees up to my chest. "What did you buy?"
My mum has such a fresh sense of style, which I like to think I inherited from her also. She can pick up pieces of clothing from a charity shop that I tell her she should leave and end up making it look like it should be in Fashion Week. A superstar is what she is.
"A cute little scarf for my holiday to Derbyshire with Mary, it's got pretty little butterflies on it. And two floaty tops to go with the scarf and I thought I could pair with my jeans and skirt."
I smile. "Sounds lovely. I bet you're looking forward to your holiday. It's coming up soon."
Mum purses her lips looking as if she's trying not to smile. "I have a surprise. It's impulsive, and you might tell me off."
I give a reluctant laugh. "I'd never tell you off, mum."
A while passes, then she says, "I booked us a fortnight's holiday on a P&G cruise around the Mediterranean. We leave in two days."
It's not often I'm stumped for things to say, but as I sit here in front of my mum as she nervously bites on to her nails and slides her bare feet back and forth against the carpet - I'm lost for words.
"Am I allowed on with my cast?"
"Yes, I checked it with them. We'll hire a wheelchair for when we spend the day in the different countries."
"You aren't kidding with me are you?"
Mum closes her eyes on a slow blink. "No, honey. I'm not joking. I just saw you so upset last night and wanted to do something to cheer you up. I have some money stored from a bond your father, and I took out, and I wanted to spend it on you."
"Thank you," I burst into tears, and stumble up from the sofa, crashing into her embrace when she opens her arms for me. "A holiday will be just what I need. And, going with you is perfect."
We move back to the sofa and fall into the cushions, cuddling for a while as mum tells me of the things we can do while we're there and the weight on my chest lifts a bit.
"We can sunbathe all day every day if you want, or we could go visit the sights. When we're in Pompeii, I'd love to go up to the ruins."
Enzo and I went to Italy the other year for a long weekend...and, I'm not allowing my mind to go there. It's too raw right now. I feel jaded as the good times we shared together blur into bad stale memories.
"I vote yes to all of that, sunbathing and sight seeing sound amazing."
Mum reaches out and runs her hand up and down my arm. "Good, we can go shopping for a few last minute clothes tomorrow if you like?"
I nod, already looking forward to the girly day. "I do love me a good shopping trip. Can we stop off at the cute little coffee shop in Seven Oaks?"
"Yes, the owners are dying to see you. I was telling them all about the wedding-" she cringes, closing her eyes tight. "Oh, I'm sorry, honey. It's a slip of the tongue."
There is no wonder weddings are on her brain, as we were planning mine for months together, attending wedding fairs, cake tastings and dress fittings. The moment Enzo slipped the engagement ring on my finger, I thought it meant forever.
It's a shame my husband didn't feel the same.
"Don't apologise. I want to forget about everything for a week. I want it to be like old times with the both of us travelling around Europe, okay?"
Mum places a firm kiss on the side of my head. "You got it, honey. We're going to have a ball. You'll see."
"Even when I feel sick?"
"Even then," she laughs, pressing her finger into my nose.
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I keep the two swimming costumes in my hand while searching through the sale rack in River Island to see if they have any linen shorts. I see denim, corduroy and latex, but no linen. I guess denim could work, but I don't want to be sweating if I can help it.
"Am, I'm just going to try these dresses on in the changing rooms," Mum calls from across the shop.
I nod. "'Kay, mum. I'll wait out here."
"All right, love. I'll come out and show you if I'm not sure."
I move my crutches to the side and balance in my good leg. "I can't wait to see them."
Mum beams at me. "You shout if you need me."
"I will," I reply, not able to stop smiling at her worry. It's comforting, and I'm gobbling it all up.
I move on to the second rail of clothes, sourcing through the jumpers, finding a few cute tops in my size. I pick them up too, seeing as though they are only a couple of quid. If we choose to sunbathe, then I'll only need my swimsuit for the day, but if we go exploring I want to be a little more covered up.
"Ambrosia?"
I stop what I'm doing and turn to see Camila standing a few rails away from me, Willow by her side, sucking on a lolly. It's a living nightmare when she steps forward opening her arms up for a hug, probably knowing my leg will stop me from moving anywhere quick. And, since when has she ever hugged anyone?
I go as stiff as a board and get a lungful of her floral perfume. Willow takes the lolly out of her mouth and stares at me like I'm the dirt she just wiped off her shoe. Six years old and already giving the sass. Wow. Camilla pulls back, arranging her black curly hair behind her ears, glancing down at her child with a flick of her head in my direction.
"Go and give aunty Ambrosia a hug."
Willow puts the lolly back in her mouth and tilts up her head. "No."
"Willow," Camila growls, pushing the little one forward, throwing me a big smile. "Do what I say."
"I want to go home," she says, stamping her foot with her head tipping up.
"Willow, hug your aunt right now."
"Fine," she steps forward, throwing her body into mine, sending me stumbling back a step or two.
"Willow, be careful!"
I put my arm holding the swimwear around her tiny body, giving her a gentle squeeze before she pulls away. The crutch helps me gain my balance when it becomes hella awkward. There is nothing to talk about, and I can't help but wonder why she's in London and how we magically bumped into each other.
"I wouldn't blame you for breaking things off with my brother, you know," Camila says out of nowhere, gripping her fingers around the carrier bag handle in her hand. "You are too good to him."
Is my brain functioning okay? Did I just hear Camila - who has had it in for me from the get-go - say that I'm too good to her brother? I must be dreaming.
"You are telling me that I'm too good to Enzo? After the way you treated me for years?"
"Yes," her cheeks grow pink. "I guess I gave you a hard time because I'm jealous of you."
I laugh, unable to understand why she would be. "Jealous of me?"
"I know it's selfish of me. But, yes, I envy you," she waves her hand up and down. "I mean who wouldn't? You're kind, intelligent, loving. You have a good job that makes you lots of money. And, let's be real; you're smoking hot."
Now it's my turn to get embarrassed. "Camila, I'm none of those things."
I find it impossible to accept a compliment when I'm so hung up on my insecurities. And now I can add failed marriage to the long list it's eating me alive.
"I know you don't believe me, but it's true. I remember when Enzo first brought you home to my parent's house. They fell in love with you within five seconds of meeting you. Mum wouldn't shut up about you for days to all of her friends. I've never gotten that with her. All we do is argue. I think a part of me thinks that she classes you as a daughter more than me."
I'm in no fit state to give out a therapy session, but how can I stand here and let the poor woman believe her own mother doesn't accept her? Because that's what this boils down to. Camila is just as self-conscious as I am, only we portray it in different ways.
"Your parents are proud of you, Camila. You have to know that. Whenever Janice used to call me in the week, she'd always gush about you. Maybe, because you are so set on everyone thinking you are the bad guy, you miss the love they are showing."
Camila blinks a couple of times and then nods. "Thank you. It means a lot to hear those words."
"It's okay," I whisper back.
How funny that we are having a heart to heart in a clothing store. Maybe, if we opened up a little more to each other, then we wouldn't need to do this.
"I mean it. I love my brother with all my heart, but he's a bloody idiot sometimes. If it makes you feel any better, he's a state right now. I think he's convinced you are going to end things."
I tilt my head down and stare at my feet. "I don't feel better for hearing he's upset."
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you. I guess a part of me is sympathising with you. Jerry and I are going through a rough patch. It's horrible."
I reach out my hand. "I'm sorry to hear that, honey."
"It's fine," she gives a deep frown and then shakes her head. "I'm hard to live with, I get why he's always angry with me. I just love him so much it hurts. I'm petrified he'll leave me for someone else."
And her behaviour makes sense. "How long has this been going on?"
"A few years. Right before Winston was born, really. We never settled into life when Willow was born, and then another baby made things worse."
My hand automatically goes to my stomach at hearing baby. Camila' eyes follow my movement, and then they snap up to my face.
Busted.
"I found out I'm expecting at the hospital," I take a calming breath, "Enzo didn't tell you?"
"No," she shakes her head, eyes frosty with tears. "No, he didn't. I'm going to be an aunty?"
"Yes, I'm going to my first pregnancy doctor's appointment in a few weeks to find out how far along I am."
"Is this a honeymoon baby?" she laughs, covering her mouth to dim the noise.
Fire burns in my cheeks. "No, I don't think so. Maybe a before wedding baby?"
"Either way, it's a miracle."
I glance around the shop to make sure mum doesn't need my help and then turn back to Camila wanting some advice. "Before I knew I was pregnant, I was taking my pill. Will that have harmed the baby?"
"No, I don't think so. The pill stops ovulation, doesn't it? I don't think anything harmful passes to the baby from it. It's something you can bring up when you see the doctor, though," she says, smiling gently.
"Yeah, it is," I nod, trying not to let my recent Google search frighten me too much.
Miscarriage.
It's something that I know could happen and it scares me to death. Yes, I wasn't ready for pregnancy, but now it's happened, I wouldn't change it for the world.
Camila grabs Willow's hand and tugs her closer to her side. "Hey, do you fancy getting a drink? Or some brunch?"
I shake my head. "No, sorry. I'm here with mum, and we're having a girly day."
I understand," she holds her hand up. "Enjoy the rest of your day."
I point over to the changing rooms, feeling on edge. "I should go and see how mum's getting on with her dresses."
"Okay."
I don't know what to say. I don't know what to say.
"See you later then," comes out of my mouth and I guess it works because Camila is smiling again.
"Bye," she hesitates a second and then says, "take all the time you need, Am. Enzo will wait forever."
CRACK.
My heart splits open all over again.
...
Thank you bunches for reading!!
Hugs,
Holly 💗