"You're mad at me," I stated as we drove through the city on our way to Luca's place. Gabriel was up front, driving the huge black definetely- a -decepticon SVU, me in the back with a fuming Luca and the air in the car was so stifling it was almost suffocating.
"Do you have any idea the kind of danger you put yourself in today?" His voice was low, quiet, cold and rumbling with barely contained emotion. I could tell, just from listening to him, that it wouldn't take much to push him over the edge and if that happened, he'd explode.
Luca had always had an explosive temper, but he rarely ever allowed me to see it, always managing to tone it down with me. Clearly, he was trying to do the same now, but I wasn't sure he could do it.
I'd pushed him today, and he was right, I'd put myself in unnecessary danger by freely walking right into the midst of a situation controlled by the Bratva. I was aware Dmitri and Luca knew each other, knew that at one point they had been allies and from what I'd managed to deduce, they still were. But in their world, now also my world, alliances could change from one heartbeat to another. Truthfully, I'd acted impulsive and without sense when I decided to go to that funeral, and I'd not only put myself at risk, but to some extent even Luca and everything he'd worked for.
"I wasn't thinking," I said quietly in response to his question, my head turned away from him as I gazed out the window at the passing buildings, the people milling about on the sidewalks, streetwendors and people dressed like superheroes taking pictures with tourists. I'd always loved New York, the diversity and vibrancy that always seemed to thrive in the city, but the city of light had dark corners and I was just learning how to maneuver my way through them.
"You wanted to attend the funeral, you should have told me." He bit out, voice so sharp it felt like a blade grating across my skin, and I sucked in a deep steadying breath before I turned away from the window and locked my eyes with his angry ones.
"Would you have agreed? And don't lie to me Luca, tell me the truth." Gritting his teeth, he reached out and gently gripped my chin, his thumb moving up to trace the corner of my lower lip as his eyes roamed my face.
"My world isn't the same as it was the last time you were in it Ana. Back then you were living on the perifery, safe from prying eyes because I was nobody and I could keep you safe by keeping you out. This time, that's not an option. You know who I am, what I do and what I've had to do to get to where I am today, and baby, I know you don't like it. I can see it in your eyes, but still you stay with me, accept me as I am and accept my world as it is." I bit my lip and held his eyes, swallowing as his words settled somewhere deep inside me. I wondered if he understood that, if he could accept the fact that there were things about him I would never fully embrace or accept. Knowing that he understood that, that he didn't hold that fact against me, it calmed a fear I didn't even realized I'd been harboring.
"I'm doing what I can to protect you from that, but-" he went on, his eyes still holding anger as his fingers tensed on my chin and I held my breath as he pulled my face closer to his, "you are making it very difficult to protect you when you run away from the people assigned to protect you, and run towards the very things I'm trying to protect you from. So, to answer your question, would I have agreed? Probably not. That doesn't mean you shouldn't have talked to me about it."
It sucked, but I had to admit he had a point, and now I was feeling guilty because I knew most of his anger stemmed from worry and that sucked even more. My eyes slid away, my thoughts shifting through everything that had happened that day, and how lying and keeping secrets from the man I'd agreed to spend the rest of my life with, was probably not a very healthy way to build a relationship.
Shit.
"Ana," His voice pulled me back to the present, and I had no idea why, but as I looked into his eyes again, I suddenly found myself blurting out, "I'm going riding with Elena on Saturday. It's probably a good idea if you clear it with Dmitri first, you know, just in case." He stared at me, his eyes boring into mine and I watched his jaw clench as his eyes moved to the ceiling and then I watched him take in a deep breath that expanded his chest before his eyes came back to mine.
"Anything else you want to tell me while you're at it?" His hand dropped from my chin as he leaned back in his seat, spearing me with a dark angry look as he adjusted the cuffs of his suit jacket and I bit my lip as my eyes moved to Gabriel who was doing a very good job of pretending like he wasn't there. Still, I was pretty sure, whatever we had left to discuss was better to do behind closed doors with just the two of us. Not that I didn't trust Gabe, it was just that I wasn't a big fan of fighting in front of other people, and to quote Ragnar from Vikings, I didn't like to "flaunt our dirty laundry in front of other people."
"When we get to your place," I murmured quietly and saw his lips thin, knew that even though he seemed calm enough and still hadn't exploded, he was still furious and the bomb was still ticking.
***
Luca's condo in downtown Manhattan, was gorgeous, modern and about four times the size of my own apartment. Of course, the security on the place was air-tight, and when he brought me there for the first time a few weeks ago, I hadn't even been surprised to find out he owned the two-floor penthouse apartment.
The only access was through an elevator and you needed a special key to get to the penthouse-floor. But, it wasn't like the elevator opened right in Lucas living-room, you got off in a huge entry-way and to enter the apartment you had to use the special key and have your handprint registered on some super high-tech pad next to the front door.
At first it had all seemed a little bit overwhelming, but after a while I realized why a man like Luca would need all those safety-measures, and one thing I was starting to learn and didn't like all that much, was that now I would need those safety-measures too.
Gabriel dropped us off in the underground garage, I got out with a small wave and his lips curved slightly when I did, then I walked to the elevator and waited as Luca spoke quietly with Gabriel before tapping the roof of the car with the palm of his hand and Gabriel drove off. Every part of me wishing I could jump into the back and he could drive me to my parents.
Neither of us said a word as we took the elevator to the top floor, standing on opposite sides of each other, both of us seemingly lost in thought, only I was worried what he was thinking about, so actually I was just thinking about him. Luca seemed to be going through something, a look of confliction on his face and in his eyes, but even so I knew his anger was still there, I just wasn't sure what he was mad about anymore.
After using the key and pressing his hand to the pad, the door swung open and Luca waited for me to preceede him before walking behind me into the condo and locking the door behind us. Walking down the steps to his sunken living-room, I tossed my purse on the coffee-table, shrugged out of my coat and threw it over the couch and with my heels clicking against the floor, I walked over to the floor-to-ceiling windows and stared out at the gorgeous view of my city.
It was a little eery, standing that close to the window, looking down and seeing how very far a drop it was. If I stood where I stood and the windows for some reason should break, the drop would break every bone in my body, I would be unrecognizable. No chance of survival what so ever, kind of how I felt like facing the prospect of a confrontation with a seriously pissed off Luca Valente.
"You gonna tell me what you didn't say in the car?" His voice was level and I could see his reflection in the window as he approached my back, he'd tossed his own jacket and loosened his tie. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, top three buttons undone and his hair was slightly disheveled like it was when he ran his fingers through it. I watched him come closer even as I crossed my arms, moved my attention back to the view as I felt the heat from his body slam against my back and knew only inches of air separated us from touching.
"I'm not sure," I told him honestly, feeling the vibes of his anger grow stronger at my answer. He never liked lies, even way back when, and he could read me so easily it used to drive me insane. He could still read me like that, but this time I was used to it, it didn't bother me as much because I was always prepared for it. But, I wasn't the only one keeping secrets and while I understood there were somethings he would never tell me, in his pursuit to keep me safe, it still didn't feel all that good to know he kept things from me.
"I'd advise, amore, that you tread very carefully going forward." A chill traveled down my spine, not from his words but from his tone, it was one I'd never heard from him before, but it was terrifying and I didn't like it one bit.
Turning around, I tipped my head back and glared at him, feeling my own anger rise in response to his behaviour.
"Don't threaten me, Luca. You do, and you might as well take your ring back, because no way in hell am I marrying a man who'll threaten me when he doesn't get his way." I shot back, my voice vibrating not with anger, but with pain at finding out this new side of him. Earlier in the car, he was right when he said I'd accepted him despite not liking some of the things he'd done, but this was one side of him I would never, under any circumstance, accept into our lives.
"This isn't about me not getting my way. This is about you putting yourself in danger, keeping secrets and refusing to talk to me." He growled and that's when I lost it.
The bitter laugh that followed was so foreign it surprised even me, and I saw it in Lucas face, the way his eyes sharpened cautiously as I did. Pushing up on my toes, I got in his face and then I let it all fly, the reason things ended last time, the reason I still didn't really trust him, and the reason he had no right to get pissed about me keeping secrets.
"You're one to talk about keeping secrets, Luca. Then again, your little fuckathon with Deanna back in the day wasn't really meant to be a secret was it? Or did you fuck her the entire time we were together and I was just too stupid to notice anything?" My voice was a hiss, laced with fury as I tried my best to keep the pain away, but it was coming on fast as the memories pushed rapidly to the surface.
Using both of my hands, I pushed hard against his chest and he went back a foot, enough to give me the room to slide past him and stomp away from the windows and across the room to the liqeur-cabinet. I needed tequila, or vodka, or something even stronger like absinthe, but I wasn't even halfway there when Luca's hand clamped down on my wrist and he spun me around to face him.
My reaction was instinctive as I yanked my arm free, took two steps back and held up a hand in his direction, "Don't come near me." He froze, whether from my voice or my words I didn't know, and in that moment I didn't care. The floodgates were open, Luca had gone above and beyond to get me back, so he should know exactly what he left behind the last time.
"I still see it, you know. Walking down the street, rounding the corner heading for your place and seeing you standing there on the sidewalk, holding her in your arms, kissing her. Every time I'm anywhere near that street I see it, like it's burned on my retinas. You already know you broke me Luca, but it wasn't just my heart you broke, it was all of me."
"Baby-"
I didn't let him cut in, I was on a roll and I couldn't find it within me to stop.
"For a month I was like the Walking Dead, I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, didn't shower. Maybe you think I'm overly dramatic and I probably was, but everytime I looked myself in the mirror all I could see was how I was nothing like her. So I stopped looking myself in the mirror, Luca. I stopped eating because she was ten pounds skinnier than me, I didn't sleep because everytime I closed my eyes all I saw was the two of you and how perfect you were together, and I didn't shower because -- quite frankly -- I didn't have the energy. I was never going to be perfect like Deanna anyway, so why bother?"
Taking a deep breath to refill my lungs, I didn't notice the expression on Luca's face as I picked up again, "It was my family who forced me back to life again, my family who made me see that I was perfect just the way I am. It took me a while to see that Luca, after you made it so it was almost impossible to believe there was anything even remotely attractive about me. I was young and you knew that, probably too young, and we both knew that, but that didn't change the fact that I loved you more than anything and things ending the way they did... that didn't just end my world Luca, it ended everything. Then when I was finally ready to live my life again, there I was out clubbing with Letty and who would I bump into but the lovely, perfect Deanna? And she told me Luca, she told me how much fun the two of you had, how amazing you were and boy did she enjoy rubbing that in my face. So don't you threaten me for not sharing with you what I want to keep for myself, you have no ground to stand on, and you know it."
At the end of my rant my chest was rising and falling in tandem with my rapid, shallow breaths. As I stood there, attempting to calm myself down and make order out of the chaos that was my mind, slowly my eyes focused on Luca and then I stopped breathing all together.
His face wore an expression I had never seen on him before, and there was no other way to describe it than, sheer unadulturated pain.
In that moment I realized I'd been wrong earlier; Luca wasn't the ticking time-bomb, I was, and I just exploded, the impact rougher than I could have ever imagined. For me, it was a relief to finally have it all out there, like a heavy rock had been crushing down on my chest since the minute it happened and now it was gone, but for Luca... it wasn't a relief at all.
He stood there, three steps away just staring at me with that expression that cut right through me, and the strangest thing happened. After giving voice to all the pain and fury I'd kept locked away for so long, witnessing that lost expression on Lucas face, all I wanted to do was comfort him somehow, but I tamped down the urge and forced myself to stay where I was.
The silence that followed lasted what felt like years, neither of us moving, neither of us speaking a word. It could have gone hours before Luca moved, his hand lifting to curl around his neck, his eyes slid away as he moved past me and walked straight to the bar cabinet.
I didn't blame him for needing a drink, I could actually use one myself, but truthfully I'd been hoping for a different reaction.
Turning as he walked by me, I watched him grab the crystal decanter filled with bourbon and pour himself a healthy glass before he tossed it all back in one gulp.
I didn't know what to do, part of me needing him to tell me why, how he could do that to me, and another part wanting nothing more than to get the hell out of there.
"You came to me, every thursday afternoon after your shift at the restaurant. Eight o'clock sharp, it never failed."
I'd been just about to make the choice to leave when he spoke, my fingers curling into my skirt as I stared at him.
He stood with his back to me, his fingers curled into the bar-cabinet, and his deep voice moved over me as he went on to say what I soon would realize was my much needed explanation.
"Back then I was just a soldier, muscle to carry out orders and do what I was told without asking any questions. But, things were shifting inside the family, there was a power-struggle and neither of the men vying for power were good candidates. Dmitri Volkov approached me, I knew he was taking advantage of the situation, playing kingmaker in his own way, but I wasn't hard to convince and it didn't take long for other members of the family to get behind me."
"Why are you telling me this now?" I cut in, confused about all of it, and not sure I even wanted to know.
Luca turned around and pinned me in place with his dark unreadable eyes, emotionless mask firmly in place as he leaned back against the wall and folded his arms, then he picked up right where he left of and didn't answer my question.
"To do what had to be done to get to where I am today, I couldn't afford any distractions. And you Ariana, you have always been my biggest distraction, my biggest weakness. I knew, those who wanted to get to me could easily do so through you, and I couldn't let that happen. I never fucked Deanna, I just needed you to think I did."
He might as well have punched me, so brutal was the blow his words dealt that I stumbled back two steps and my breath rushed out of me.
Luca watched me do this, his body tense, jaw flexing and without giving me more time to process his words, he went on.
"You're the strongest woman I know amore, and I knew I couldn't tell you the truth and you would understand and wait for me. I knew if I did that, one of two things would happen; either you would fight to stay with me while I did what I had to do, and I couldn't allow that to happen... or you would leave me for good. That was not an option either. So I did what I had to do, made it so you'd let me go at the same time I could get you back later."
"You're an asshole," I whispered, wishing that I'd just kept my mouth shut and Luca never would have told me anything.
"I have never pretended otherwise. There is nothing I won't do in order to protect you, even if it means breaking your heart to do it. I'd rather you be the Walking Dead than dead-dead and in a fucking coffin." He shot back and I felt the tears slide silently down my cheeks, because I didn't want him to have a good reason to hurt me, but he'd hurt me to save me and that hurt even more.
Swallowing over the lump in my throat, I kept my eyes locked with his as I lifted my left hand and with my right I slid the engagement ring off my finger.
Luca straightened to his full height, his hands falling down his sides as he pushed off the wall and stalked towards me with steely determination.
He made it to me and I pressed my left hand to his chest, not to push him away, just to halt him and before he could say anything, I did.
"I'm giving this back to you, so you can ask me again later." I stated and his hands settled on my waist, giving me a quick squeeze.
"You and me, the last couple of months, everything that's happened between us, it all happened so fast. Too fast, Luca. We need time to get to know each other again, the people we were then isn't who we are now, and I don't think either of us have come to terms with that. What you did back then, whether you slept with Deanna or not, I can forgive it now that I know the truth and why you hurt me like that, but it's harder to forget and I need to work through that with you and on my own. I need you to give me that, and I need you to give me time. Please Luca, you know I love you, but I need you to give me that."
Pulling slightly back, I put my right hand palm-up between us and slid my left across his chest, over his shoulder and down his arm to pull his hand from my waist so I could put the ring in his palm.
"Keep that safe for me, I'm gonna want it back one day."
Closing his hand with my own, I slid both hands up his chest to curle around his neck, then I got up on my toes, pressed my lips against his in a slow sweet kiss, and then I pulled way.
Turning away, I walked over to where I'd dropped my purse and coat, grabbed both and with a final look back at Luca, I left his apartment and hoped I wasn't making a mistake in doing it.
***
Hey guys :)
So I know this has been a long time overdue and I'm really sorry for the wait. I know this chap was a little long, and a lot of information coming forth, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway! :)