"A connection too deep for destruction. Two souls, eternally destined."
---Perri
Maybe I could start fires with what I felt for her. When I first saw her, slowly the attraction crept into my heart turning into a heart melting obsession and then the dream to have my happily ever after was unaccounted but I knew that she was the best and worst thing that ever happened to me. No one ever could want anything more than I wanted my Nandini. I knew that she deserved the entire universe and I was just a star; nothing in comparison to her illumination.
It was getting darker and the curves of the mountainous roads growing narrower. It rained an hour back and thus it'd be correct to say driving cautiously was the only option I had. I increased the temperature of the heater of the car for it was getting unusually colder. The weather seemed strangely celestial with raindrops falling arrhythmically on the car roof and everywhere within my eyesight. The sound was so calming. I glanced over Nandini maintaining my control over the steering wheel. Could she feel me missing her? I had it maintained all these years that I wouldn't be talking to her until she came back to being my old Nandini but God knew why I ended up choosing the antipope. Unlike the previous years, I wanted to talk. I wanted her to listen to me and even knowing that she'd reply with her silence, I was ready to talk to her quietness too. Placing my hand on her lap, I faintly smiled at her, a smile that she always wanted to grow livelier.
"Cabir and Navya got hitched today...I'm so happy for them and you know right, Aryaman is next on the list? Next month it is...ahh finally he's getting settled. You know right, I used to get so jealous of him in the beginning because I thought he and you had something in between." I tittered shaking my head. "God, only if I knew then that your heart would belong to one and only me. Am I worth it? Hm?" I kept driving looking through the wipers leaving one of my hands on her thigh as it was. It calmed my soul.
"You always read sad novels, Nandini which wasn't a very right thing to do, don't you now think so? You made our lives one like that." My questions were never answered by her blankness.
"When Cabir saw Navya arriving today walking through the aisle, that shine on his face was worth every sacrifice in the world. That look... that..that wait when you finally see your beloved bride walking closer to your life and you can't help but foresee a happily ever after for the two of you as if all.. your prayers got answered." I sneered sadly and it was an engulfing silence feeding her soul at the cost of my tranquility. I prayed to the nature to make us meet, soon and I heard the nature promise back. I just knew.
"I.." I sighed "Do you love me Nandini, still? Because having not heard those three words from you have eaten my cores slowly." I acted like it wasn't a big deal when it really was breaking my heart. It felt like I was waiting for the right train on the wrong platform; something that would never ever happen.
In the beginning days of this agony, I just wanted to scream but gradually everything inside me calmed and then numbed and creepily died. Just for once I wanted to see that spark in those dull eyes; the ones that guided me to light. In a way Nandini fixed me but in another way, she also broke me. But I also knew, just because her lifeless eyes never teared didn't mean her heart never cried.
"I love you Nandini" I kissed her cold fingers bringing them close to my lips.
I wanted her to blush. I wanted her to look away shyly which stole my heart millions of times. I wanted her to bite her lips whilst she fidgeted the ends of her hair. I wanted her to slid in my kurta and pretend like she owned it. I wanted her to jump over me again whenever I'd sleep and whisper my name in my ears as her lips would brush against my skin. I wanted her to cajole me to bunk the party and spend the night with her watching our favourite movie cuddling under the same duvet. I also wanted her to moan my name as we made love; I knew that she knew how much I craved to hear her scream my name. I wanted to see that redness on her face whenever I touched her sexually. I wanted her to scream and throw the bucket of popcorn on me whilst watching a horror movie, I loved putting them on because she'd stick closer to me through out. I wanted her to breathe against my skin as she slept securely tucked inside my arms. I knew how she watched me sleeping for hours early in the morning but I pretended to sleep for I never wanted to break her reverie. I wanted her. I wanted Nandini and I wanted her in my yesterday, today and all of my tomorrows. Moreover I miss the me I was with her.
~We loved with a love that was more than love~
-Edgar Allen Poe
Turning my face at her, a chill ran down my spine as if a cold wind had cut through my soul. I was shook as the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I felt nauseated at the sight of....blood.
Blood oozed from her skull as she without any reaction or emotion kept staring at the road ahead. I slowed down the speed a little touching her forehead with my finger. She bled. My eyes never left the little thick dark red droplet which came rolling till her cheek and I gasped. It was not the first time in the entire three years. It bled in the layers of her brain because of swelling and compression on the injured side of her brain and I knew I needed to rush her to the nearest hospital before she suffered any graver haemorrhage. In my life the dark clouds came and hid the Sun and my sunshine was nowhere to be found.
I kept re-dialling her doctor but damn the weather which blocked everything for me, every way out, every escape. Speeding up on the accelerator, hastily I kept glancing over her making sure it didn't get any worse. I slipped my fingers under the layer of her hairs on her skull and the shade of darkness of her blood scared the hell out of me. It was turning darker than the hell itself.
"Nandini, my baby, you'll be alright, okay? I'll let nothing happen to you." I spoke to her pushing the gear to the top. Just because she couldn't react never meant she suffered no pain. My heart broke for her at each passing second.
"Baby, see..you can't give up, okay. Your Manik is here. Together...we'll everything, remember we promised?" I myself was shaking in fear. I tried stabilising my hold on the steering wheel which was trembling.
Shit.
It tore me more apart thinking how much pain she was suffering, I so wish I could take all of her pain. I felt crazy in a moment with voice ditching me. For a second, I thought my body would explode as I underwent a panic attack then and there. Looking at her face growing paler as the blood drained out of her body, I died. It drove me insane. My hands touched her heart which still was beating at a lower pace and I let out a frustrated sigh feeling my heart sink in the deepest of depth. The road seemed longer as the time ticked shorter. With my white handkerchief, I supported her skull which turned dark red in a fraction of minute and I felt losing the beat of my heart. I opened to draw some air but my mouth as I felt nothing inside. I was so panicked that everything around me zoned out even the fact that I was driving.
"Nandini...." my eyes were absolutely on her. "Just a little bit baby. We're almost there." I caressed her forehead. My eyes reached her peach dress which had stains of blood and I felt like the most helpless man on earth. I was seeing everything sleep through my fingers but I was prick to not have found any way out. I whanged.
"We are just th-there. Hmm? Noth-nothing will happen to you." I gulped thinking if I was consoling her or myself? With real or fake promises?
"Damn this weather!" I tossed my phone aimlessly at the stereo running hands wildly through my hair pulling them from their roots. I breathed a little rubbing hand on my face.
"Listen baby, ke-keep listening to me. We'll ta-talk and the road will pass in a... in a blink." I gulped harder finding no saliva.
"Nandini???" I nudged her body a little and rested my hand on heartbeat which was dropping at the speed of light.
"Fuck!" I swore. "Nothing baby...it's nothing." I rubbed her back. Fuck knows I didn't know what exactly to fucking do that'd help her. I pressed and nudged her cheeks messing with the blood on them to make myself assure that she was existing.
"Nandini!! Keep listening to me. Don't give up. Don't give up on us. Th-this is not the time baby. Our lives haven't even started yet. I.. I want lots of babies, okay. Nandini..?" I was crying "I..I will learn making pancakes for you..you love them na? I'll make them every morning. Ju-just don't give up. I'll do anything for you. I'll try be a better dancer and no-not make you ashamed at parties. I'll never keep the towel on bed and throw my shoes aimlessly in the room. I'll give up everything, just ask me. Baby, we can't be done. We can never be enough. We just...... OH FUCKKK"
My eyes noticed through the terrible windshield under the rain the blinding headlights a convertible jeep full of youngsters approaching our car at a maddening speed. Fuck my speed which was near to the maximum level. I insanely pressed down the brake which seemed to have lost its mind.
"OH SHIT" I mindlessly revolved the steering of my car and I could say the way those youngsters were terrified who also wheeled their steering to some other direction. It was in such a fraction of second that everything in me went blank as we saved the collision. I dreaded seeing the jeep coming from the other way in an attempt to save it hit the barricade and slid through the cliff. I was petrified at the sight seeing that car just slip down the edge of the mountain and disappear out of my vision. Swiftly turning around, as I badly tried controlling the insane speed and steering of the car, it gave me the feeling that I was failing miserably.
Everything was happening in the blink of an eye as I heard hood crumpling and glasses shattering as our car hit the body of a mountain. My head got thrusted against the steering and when it separated blood spurted. The steering wheel slipped out of my grip and I heard the huge squealing of the tires making my lungs choke.
"Ahhh" I bellowed feeling the sharpest edge of a glass stab in my head as the glass on my side of the door disintegrated.
I couldn't feel a thing even though the car we were in rolled. I just blankly saw scenes changing up and down while the lower portion of my body deprived sensation. It just rolled bottling up as flashbacks of my entire life in a second. My benumbed body couldn't sense any pain as my head got hit with the hard roof as the car whirled. I squeezed my eyes instantly as the splintered glass pieces jabbed my back, killing it there. The biggest of wound meant nothing because the shock was bigger as I couldn't foresee anything for any longer. But everything in me died when I heard the earth crashing sound of my windshield smashing noisily and violently and to my death, Nandini's body dashed and flew outside the shattered glass as the car kept turning over and over. I wanted to scream for her but I was a useless bastard for not having been able to do that at least.
The torment of the car stood still sparing me for a second as upper portion of my body threw out of the glass from the driver's door. It horrendously as it knocked the living daylights out of my when my back thumped against the harsh road and I coughed feeling pain in my chest. I tried turning to my side opening my mouth as the pain hardly blew out of my lips but neither could move nor cry. I kept lying in the middle of the road blankly staring at the clouded sky as nothing came to me. Nothing. I thought just nothing. I lied feeling the warm blood gush out of my head as the aftershock left me numb and poor. My breath grew weaker; my lips quivered as I felt swallowing the blood inside my throat. Did death look like that?
Seconds turned into minutes when devoid of my senses I kept lying looking blankly at the sky when it had hit me like lightening.... Nandini? I saw her flying out of the car windshield but..but where the heck was she. Was she..
I turned my head the slightest which seemed breathtaking and running hands on my head where it pained the most, I felt only and only blood flowing. I wanted to have some water as my soul dried up but who could I ask? I turned my head a little right and my heart flipped. I saw what I yearned to see... that spark.
Nandini's body lied few meters away from me in a puddle of blood but her...her eyeballs made a movement. It did. It fucking did. For the first time in fucking three years they did. They were on me seeing my struggle for life and I could see water running through them because of excessive pain.
"Nan-dini..." I extended my hand and her lips quivered parting a little as if she's caging a heavy breath inside. But..but I could feel her feeling me and my cries. I smiled seeing her. I forgot my pain and the bloody state we were in seeing the movement in her body before everything got still as she let out a heavy breath.
Still as the middle of the ocean.
My smile started fading out as I saw the last blood mixed teardrop roll from the corner of her eyes as her lifeless vision got fixed at me. She looked at me but not really at me. Her quivering lips iced. The chest of hers that rose up and down flattened.
"No..." I couldn't hear myself. "N-no.. No.. Na-Nan-dini.. Na..." I tried shifting nearer but the lower half of my body was stuck under the rolled car impossible for my the then strength to pull out. I screamed but nothing reached my ears and I knew I was late. Very late.
Crazily, I blew some air through my nostrils but only smelt blood which blocked my nostrils. I died to breathe. My fists punched the road seeing my dead girlfriend meters away and more on the fact that I couldn't take her in a last embrace. My tears got mixed with my very own blood as my vision started blurring but the only picture in the blurry vision of mine was Nandini's lifeless body. What did I do to her? She didn't deserve to die like this. Fuck she...
My entire body grew more dead except my eyes and cheeks which felt the raindrops on them as it washed the blood away after they again pooled up. I couldn't see clearly as blood flooded my eyes and I tilted my face to the sight of the mountain which beheld the same beauty only.. I was seeing everything in red as I awaited for my last call.
It felt like someone crushed my heart under a boot when I saw Nandini before my eyes walking ahead in her same peach dress. She seemed fresh. Fuck, she walked? How could she? She looked unharmed and healthy with not a single mark of cut on her body. How's that possible? I rotated my head back which thrashed my probably broken neck and my breath hitched seeing that lifeless body of Nandini intactly lying there. What..the..
I turned again seeing her smile as she walked away and I felt deja vu. Or, maybe that I was hallucinating. My breaths started ditching me as I felt pain in my chest and abdomen as if someone splintered me repeatedly and mercilessly. My vision started clogging; throat giving up and the tensed muscles froze.
"Nandini! Wait..." I heard my voice but it wasn't really me, not the one lying on the road. I fought with ny destiny to keep my eyes open when I fearfully saw myself walking closer to her. Fuck what. But I lied there? Just right there on the road drenched in blood. Insanely, I had not a single tear on my body and my shirt was fresh like it was just then ironed. I looked content. She turned back to my lying frame and then to the frame that stood before her.
"Manik... wh.."
"I told you in my nightmare Nandini, wherever you go I'll follow you and bring our worlds closer. Don't push me away because now I've no reason to go anywhere else." She smiled through her tears.
"I love you Manik." I could feel my chest explode in happiness inspite of all the pain as she pronounced them. "I missed talking to you. I love you so much. I hated lying dead for three years and seeing you cry."
"I told you Nandini, you'll be my death one day."
I couldn't understand a thing and slowly everything made sense that I wasn't hallucinating. Her being there normally wasn't illusory. Neither was mine because we loved with our souls. Nandini meant Manik and Manik meant Nandini and nothing else was required. Nothing mattered. I felt a hitch in my breath causing me gasp out loud and my hand clasped the shirt right on top of my chest as it felt something was slipping. The Manik and Nandini before me kept staring at me watching my disastrous pains as I battered the back of my head for some oxygen. Why did I struggle? Why couldn't I just give up and become one with Nandini, at least that's what I wanted from the nature. I wanted to embrace death the earliest I could because every second away from her killed my world. Absence and death were different because her absence would kill me but a death with her would put an end to my lifelong suffering. I wanted to go wherever she'd take me and if she wasn't in this world, then the world wasn't mine. I took a last look of her dead frame and then the smiling face standing closer before closing them for the very last time as I awaited death keeping her as the most beautiful thing inside my heart. And never opened again. Never knew an ugly truth like death could be so peaceful. Because all I prayed for was a life with her... if not, death seemed fancy too; at least we'd be together and happy.
••••
"Will the people ever know Nandini, that a love died in the middle of the road? Will this city ever know?"
"We don't belong to here anymore, Manik. So why bother? I can't wait to walk towards our happily ever after towards that sunset right now."
"I hope you regret nothing."
"A love with you? No. An afterlife with you? Never. Manik, you're the star I've made my home."
Manik wrapped his hand around Nandini's waist pulling her closer watching her blush red as they walked towards the setting sun believed to be on the other side of the mountain.
~So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're apart. For every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart~